Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Disappointment

With a three year old and an infant, my sex life is strained, to say the least. And with Sir and I ready to jump back into BDSM full throttle, it’s been even more stressful for us. The pregnancy put everything on hold and now the lack of sleep is continuing that trend.

So, you can imagine my joy when Sir told me that we were going to scene Sunday night…

I was literally jumping up and down as I put the kids to bed. It took Tiny longer to fall asleep as I am pretty sure he could sense my excitement, and the aforementioned jumping probably did not help. But, eventually, both boys were asleep.

Now, I cannot tell you my head space all afternoon in preparation for this. Turning my submissive head on and off with two small children is hard. It often makes me jealous of the 24/7 slaves that can just sit in that headspace. Maybe someday, like after Tiny moves out, but I digress. When dealing with my boys, I feel like being strong is essential to teaching them how to treat women. So I find myself switching back and forth to my comfortable submissive nature only when my husband and I are alone. It’s a lot more mentally draining that one would think. So the idea of sinking into subspace for a few hours sounded lovely.

So when the scene went wrong, I lost it. Scene issues are rarely just the fault of one person, but after months of half-hearted play I was so disappointed, and it was directed at myself. Sir was a champ. He just held me while I cried. He took a lot of responsibility too, but I was just so crushed. Once in my submissive headspace I want to do everything perfect. In my everyday life I could care less about dirty dishes or the last time I vacuumed, but sub me is a different story. Considering how seldom we can squeeze together time in, I was devastated that Sir did not get what he wanted. A rough night, to be sure.

With life being so crazy, I really look to my submissive side to take on all the stress relief and relaxation for the rest of me. And since she has not had the chance to come out and play, I am so tense and stressed it is driving me up the wall. I may have to break down and get a mani/pedi or a massage or something. Which may sound good to some of you, but I would take a good beating and rough sex over a massage any day. That’s a lot to put on one side of myself though. So I really need to manage my expectations and give myself a break.

I just want to find a way to move past this. I need to get over this hiccup so that we can get back on the horse. We are just getting our BDSM relationship sorted and I do not want this minor step back to be a huge derailment for us. I know Sir would not accept that, so the sooner I can let this go, the better. Fingers crossed that I can get this all out of my head before he decides that we are jumping back on the horse again.

50 Shades of Anniversaries

This week is my ’50 Shades of Grey’ anniversary. I read the trilogy for the first time this week last year. I know that for most in the BDSM lifestyle 50 Shades is a swear word, but it means the exact opposite to me. I won’t try and convert you to why I love the story and why the writing style doesn’t bother me. This novel, however, helped me to realize that I am a sexual submissive. I didn’t use this book as the be all end all of BDSM resources, I used it as a jumping off point to further exploration into what the lifestyle has to offer. People have life changing experiences all the time. Some when they visit a new city, or when they become parents. This was my first personal awakening brought on by a book, but it was an amazing experience.

After reading these books Sir and I had a large relationship shift. We both used the story to help us talk to each other and come to an agreement about how we want to change our sex life. Finding a common resource like that was invaluable to us as we embarked on these drastic changes in our relationship. It’s not perfect, but we took something away that most don’t.

I swear I am not trying to sell more copies of this book (not that E.L. James needs my help). I guess I am trying to sell the experience that I had reading it. Going through that kind of life changing event is something that I hoped to have when I did my study abroad semester. Even through various moves and our growing family, it was this book that brought about this epiphany. So these types of realizations can happen when you least expect it. Always be open to trying something new and don’t be afraid of what may come out of it. I ended up in bondage.

So…ready for my cheesy line for the day:

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

The Extremes of Sex

I am a worrier. I always have been. Every possible horrible thing that could happen to you, I’ve thought of it. I don’t troubleshoot, I just worry. I had grey hair long before I had children.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about what I would do if something happened to my husband. If he died, for whatever reason. I immediately thought that I would never want to get married again and possibly even avoid another committed relationship. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I took a step back and thought ‘wow, that’s a bit extreme’. But as I really broke it down, I don’t know if I could have another emotional relationship like I have with him. We are each other’s best friend. He and I have cried tears of sadness when our dog died and tears of joy when our sons were born. I’m not sure I could be that open with anyone again.

But, the nymphomaniac in me did stop to consider my sexual needs. And that part of me was a tad bit pissed off that it wasn’t the first thing to come to mind. But it wasn’t. And that got me thinking about emotional vs. sexual aspects of committed relationships. Sex is so integral in a committed relationship, but it’s often the most abused. Look at the divorce rate, look the number of people trying ‘open relationships’ to avoid the issues arising around adultery. And our culture puts so much emphasis on it. We have the bachelor/bachelorette parties before weddings, the ‘seven year itch’, and the constant focus on ‘spicing up your marriage bed’. Our society is determined that your married sex life must be lacking and in need of added flare to avoid cheating.

Sir believes that this is because our pre-societal ancestors were in polygamous relationships. Whether due to gender imbalance or cultural standard, he is correct. But does that really have that much affect on our interactions today? Is the divorce rate high because that many more people are unhappy in their choice of spouse or is it just more accepted now. Would more people have gotten divorced 100 years ago if it was as easy and culturally normal? I don’t believe so, but that’s just me.

Our generational gaps have placed an emphasis on different values than they used to. The clearest example is television. Programs in post-World War II America showed couples sleeping in separate beds, with limited, if any, conversation about their sexual relationship (ie. I Love Lucy). Now look at Friends, How I Met Your Mother, or Grey’s Anatomy. These shows depict sexual encounters without emotional relationships, divorce, and pillow talk. I’m not a prude, I’ve watched all these shows; my point is simply that the landscape has changed. Society is much more open about our sexual encounters and fantasies. We are also looking for more in a sexual relationship. Sexual compatibility is no longer as simple as procreation. As one who is still trying to find her place in the BDSM world, there are a million and one ways to feel sexually satisfied. And, if your partner or spouse can’t give it to you, there is someone out there who can.

Does that make us too comfortable with sex? To clarify, have individuals made their committed relationships too much about sex? I understand that for most, getting married means faithful behavior in the bedroom. Is that all it means anymore? My thought when I considered the loss of my husband was that I would never feel comfortable really crying in front of someone else. The idea of someone else seeing me naked was much further down the line. I will admit, I did think it, but loosing my partner in life was about so much more than our sexual relationship. In media it seems that that is not the case. Television and film has sex as the central issue in the start of a relationship; so much so that I think it has had irreparable effects on societal norms.

Maybe I am way off base. Maybe everyone slept around in the 1950s as well, they just didn’t talk about it. And because no one talked about it, no one got divorced because of it. Everyone had Jackie O’s dignified stance of plausible deniability.

In short, I plan to pass before Sir so he can find himself another good slave and I won’t have to worry about it.

Smile Time

My two month old looked at me and smiled today. It melted my heart. Talk about a wave of motivation. And right now I need all the motivation I can get.

The job search is halting. Jobs that look interesting won’t give me the time of day. I’m sure that other people experience this. Some sort of required education or experience keeps you from a job that looks good or that you would be great at. I would be an amazing personal assistant. I keep this family organized and I know I could do it for someone else. But getting someone to give me the opportunity to show that is difficult. Our society is so ingrained in ‘who you know’, that I have no shot. I hate the idea that my parent’s limited social circle has somehow punished my employment options.

What really scares me is that my social circle could change my son’s lives. When my little boy smiles at me like he did this morning, it just makes me worry even more that my incapability to find a good job now and create those connections so my kids can get a position in the future. My careful nature when choosing my friend and confidants could alter their employment. I don’t know if that makes me want to be more outgoing, or just depressed about how little my work ethic and commitment means when I apply for a position.

Right now I will apply for jobs and focus on the beautiful smiles of my sons to get me through. Maybe I can talk Sir into an orgasm or three tonight.

The Priority Game

My husband makes fun of me, because I wasn’t allowed to play video games. He thinks that this has ruined my chances for good dexterity and hand/eye coordination. Well, joke’s on him, because I’m a mom.

My day consists of the balance of priorities game. I’ve become a pro at going back and forth to each thing that requires my attention.

Morning:

Wake-Up – Get Baby 2.0 up and calm. Get Boy in clean clothes.

Shower – 7.5 minutes of me time

Breakfast – Get Boy breakfast and start cartoons. Start coffee for Husband. Let Dog out. Get morning bottle for Baby 2.0. Curl up with Boy for cartoon cuddles. Get laundry from upstairs. Bring Baby 2.0 downstairs so Husband can get a shower. Pour coffee for myself and Husband. Get clean diaper for Baby 2.0 and start feeding him breakfast. Remind Husband to pack lunch and ask what he wants for dinner. Finish feeding Baby 2.0 after Husband leaves. Start Laundry. Get snack for Boy. Rock Baby 2.0 when he wakes up. Try to get Dishes done until Baby 2.0 wakes up or Boy needs a drink. Let Dog out. Attempt to eat breakfast. Sneak to bathroom when possible for 30-45 seconds of alone time.

Lunch – Repeat breakfast

Dinner – Repeat lunch. Do dishes until bedtime routine.

Bedtime – Get Boy in pajamas, get him water. Get nighttime bottle sorted for Baby 2.0. Remind Husband to fill his water glass. Read Boy book(s) or feed Baby 2.0 (whichever Husband isn’t doing). Beg Baby 2.0 to fall asleep to white noise machine while gently rubbing his head. Crawl into bed until nighttime feeding.

This is my day. I would be impressed with my own skill at balancing two children, a dog, and this house, but I feel so inadequate. I don’t have any time to work on me, much less get a job, be a good submissive, or any kind of growth.

Ok, I need to start dinner and the late afternoon routine. Baby 2.0 needs a clean diaper and Boy will want his afternoon snack soon. I will give myself double points if I can survive this another few months of this.

Power of Submission

I want to start this with a disclaimer stating that I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle and my husband and I are just starting to integrate it into our lives. No statements made here are judgements or criticisms of other peoples’ relationships or definitions of words used below. These are merely my interpretations of a lifestyle choice.

I realized that I was sexual submissive about a year ago. If I had thought about it, I probably would have come to that conclusion a long time before that. After talking with Sir and doing some extensive research together, we decided to start a Dominant/Submissive relationship. He wants to take this outside of the bedroom, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I guess I am already starting to have differing views on how this change in our relationship is going to play out.

Being a submissive doesn’t automatically mean that you have no power, i.e. doormat. Some people chose for it to mean that, but not everyone. Some take a step farther from submission and become a slave. Each relationship has it’s own parameters and limits. While I am collared, I am not a slave. My submission is only in sexual and service context and doesn’t effect our children or any large life decisions (house, job, etc.).

I would like to clarify that being a submissive (or slave, for that matter) is not easy. It’s not being walked on and jumping when my master says (mostly). And I have seen other blog comments that question ‘why would you do that’? I see it as a complete act of trust of my husband and lover. I trust that he will be caring and loving in return. That he will accept and appreciate my submission. It’s a large responsibility, but so is wearing a collar. He has given me as much power as I have given him.

Which leads me to my current conundrum: How do you deal with relationship issues that arise? When we were in a standard vanilla relationship, we just sat down and talked it out. But now, everything carries more weight to it. Honesty is still a necessity, but this is now a delicate balance of power. How do I tell him that I’m uncomfortable without upsetting the scales? How do we talk about sexual issues in this new set-up? I just don’t want this to be over before it really begins. I don’t want my submission to be seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card whenever he screws up. Turning on the Dom voice and ordering me to clean up the mess isn’t going to fly (or is it?). And while I am perfectly happy providing for his sexual needs, a neglected sub is an unhappy sub. He has responsibilities too. And I don’t want a conversation about him shirking those responsibilities to be seen as me questioning his commitment or his trust.

I guess I am just feeling melodramatic today. Reading too many BDSM romances. Obviously ready for the weekend and a chance to get out of the house.

Holy Emotional Melt-down Batman

Well, today was a day…

Started with a serious lack of sleep thanks to my eldest. So the morning was more of a struggle than normal. I chose to try and be proactive and take the kids to the grocery early and get it out of the way. However, fate was not on my side today. I was bringing the groceries in the house and I dropped a gallon of milk on the floor. It shattered and made my kitchen look like someone slaughtered a cow. There was milk everywhere. Then I had two screaming kids while I was trying to clean it up. I called my husband crying and he came home to find me on the floor in the kitchen crying and trying to feed the baby. It was quite a morning.

Looking forward to visiting with a very close friend tonight. Maybe I will have a drink or three to forget the afternoon.

Kink vs. Romance or Kink & Romance

Can you have kink and romance or are they always mutually exclusive? My fingers are crossed that they can be found together, at least occasionally. My husband does his best with both. It seems that most romantic novels on the subject either highlight one or the other. Very few can adequately portray a BDSM relationship, must less with any romantic twist. I have found a few that do cross the divide without being too cheesy or judgmental.

The Masters of the Shadowlands Series by Cherise Sinclair
There are currently seven books in the series that revolve around a BDSM club in Tampa, Florida. Each story follows a relationship in the club touching on various aspects of the lifestyle (general misconceptions, sadism, master/slave, discipline). Most include a growth of either the master or his submissive in various ways and an element of action.

I have tried several other authors, but most don’t cover the romantic or kinky bases effectively. I will admit, however, that some of this has created a bias as I look at my expectations of my own BDSM relationship. But hey, what are good romance novels for?

The Witching Hour

There is an hour, between 9 and 10 in the morning, where both my children push every possible button I have. I think there is some chemical trigger that sets them off. They know my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet and Sir has left for work, so they attack with everything they’ve got. By the time 10 rolls around I am near tears and spend the rest of the day trying to recoup my sanity. This rarely works.

Coupled with lack of sleep and this hour is the constant downfall of day. Being a stay at home mother is harder than anything else I have ever done. I know it was for the best, with Sir’s job forcing the move, it didn’t make sense to commute and pay for daycare. But the last six months have been full of change and craziness.

As a continuing theme of life change in 2014, Sir and I have decided to ramp up the BDSM now that I am healed from childbirth. This, of course, is purely up to his whims. And I know that it makes me a terrible submissive, but I feel like he is really dropping the ball. I can feel myself turning into a brat in the effort to get attention. Being home with a three year old and a 3-month old doesn’t leave much time for me. The idea of getting to serve and have some sort of personal release is getting too difficult to ignore.

We’ll see how much longer I can attempt to keep everyone in the house happy. As long as I continue to ignore my own need to sleep and personal happiness, then I have a shot. The dog seems to think I’m doing a good job.

February Rain Showers

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

February rain. Now it’s turning into ice as it hits the ground, but it’s rain. The massive storm didn’t turn into too much actually. Hopefully it won’t get too cold tonight and snow, or my commute tomorrow will be fun.

However, tomorrow is a big day. D and I go for our first ultrasound. We are pretty excited. We’ll get our official due date and hopefully a picture or two. My parents are coming this weekend, they are the last important people we need to tell. We have been trying to keep everything quiet until we tell them. I had to tell a few of my coworkers as my morning sickness was getting fun, but other than that we have been pretty good.  We traded in our sedan a little over a week ago for a larger car and we told D’s parents then. And after this weekend we are going to start telling people. But I’m really nervous about how my parents are going to respond. I don’t think they will storm out or anything, but that’s not the same as being happy for us.

Right now I just need to get over this cough thing. I guess it’s been going around Pittsburgh. But I just can’t shake it.

Well, big things happening lately. Hopefully my being sick won’t ruin them all.