Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 6

#6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Wow, this should almost be four completely different days. I will try to answer this without boring you to  death with tropes and cliches.

Roots

I believe that the ‘roots’ of my submission is honestly genetic. My father’s side of the family has a name for several of us. We are called ‘burnt toast moms’. The idea being that we will take toast that is burnt and offer a ‘better’ piece to a loved one. I actually got this from my father (we still say ‘mom’). And, to be clear, my husband eats burnt toast so the analogy doesn’t quite work. The idea behind it is true though. We are happy to sit in the middle of backseat on car rides and take the smallest servings of ice cream. We get inside smiles from giving to others. You should see me at Christmas; my bliss is buying the perfect gift.

Childhood

I think that a lot of my submission, specifically my ‘little’ nature comes from my childhood. This isn’t the part where I pull out my Christian Grey tormented youth. I had a good childhood and wouldn’t change it for anything. But when we adopted my developmentally disabled brother I grew up pretty fast. My parents were dealing with him and I was trying to help them and help take care of them. The idea of getting to curl up with a hot chocolate (or more likely coffee) and watch cartoons sounds like heaven. I love to color and bake cookies and cuddle. There is something about being able to relax that reminds me of being a child and my brain connects those.

Discipline/Sex

There is a certainly domestic discipline aspect of it. I like chores and tasks to make the evening and/or environment better for my Sir. Taking care of dinner, or setting out his slippers. They don’t have to be complicated, but they make me feel good. Even aspects of previous D/s attempts with diet and exercise restrictions/requirements went well. And that, also leads into sex.

Sex is a huge part of my submission. I am a masochist and I love pinching, biting, spanking, and choking. I’ll admit that it might not be everything. There is a lot about the idea of being a spoiled human pet that has nothing to do with sex. But being fucked from behind while my hair is being pulled sounds fucking hot. Orgasm denial doesn’t work well for me; I just turn into a stroppy mess. But I’m sure that could be ‘corrected’ with a patient Dom if they so choose.

Conclusions

I am not a broken person. I was not ‘driven’ to BDSM because of my depression or PTSD (they are completely separate). In fact, my mental health was at its most stable when my husband and I were practicing 24/7 D/s. My kinks have been effected by childhood and upbringing. I have a stuffed animal on my desk at work’ it’s just who I am. And that’s the thing. My submission is just a truer version of myself. The real me without all the filters and coverings that I portray to society.

I’m not sure the world could handle a 24/7 horny, cuddly, burnt toast mom me.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Prompt #21: Write a letter your 10-year old self

Prompt #21: Write a letter to the 10-year old child you had been

Dear 10-year old Rye,

Stay strong. Not matter what. The next few years are going to test you. Just remember that you are beautiful and strong. I don’t want to give too much away, but your teenage years are not going to be easy for you. As difficult as it will be, your life will not end with high school. There is so much more for you to experience. Enjoy and appreciate those opportunities, even though they may seem like trials at the time. Don’t depend on others, trust yourself to know what you need.

Which leads me to a topic that you haven’t considered. Sex. I know you are only ten and have a world of growing to do. My advice is just to let yourself grow. Don’t compare yourself to others and try and race the curve. Try to be open to experiencing things that we weren’t necessarily raised to consider normal. Pleasure is found in different ways for different people. Don’t judge.

You are a good writer. Don’t stop writing down all those ideas and random story lines. All those ideas for novels deserve to be written. Don’t give up on that dream.

For every tough thing that you face, trust the people around you. Your parents and family love you. You turn out alright, trust me.

Love,

Your future self

P.S. You are going to get your first period, like, tomorrow. It’s going to suck, just FYI. Sorry, nothing I can do about that.

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This is in partial fulfillment of #4 of my 101 Things in 1001 Days task, which is to use 10 writing prompts. This one isn’t very sexy, but with my grandmother’s funeral yesterday I have been thinking a lot about childhood and family.