Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Shock and Awe

“You seem much calmer lately.”

“Honestly, I just don’t care anymore.”

I think my answer shocked us both, but I walked away before my mother-in-law could comment further.

I wasn’t shocked that I said it to her. She and I have always been direct with one another and I rarely hold back with her. It was more that what I had just shared was actually true.

Obviously, I want my children to be safe and happy, they need to have food and warm clothes. But they do. They have everything they need and rarely want for anything (except Legos and candy).

Outside my children, however, I am running on emotional empty. My new job is fine, except for my Devil wears Prada boss. My sex life is non-existent except for masturbation videos occasionally shared with my transcontinental lover. And our bank account dwindles while my husband talks about numerous things we can’t afford that he still wants.

I think my current solution seems to be to just emotionally shut down. I’m not saying that this is a good plan. In fact, it’s probably the worst plan, but I’m out of ideas. My doctor has increased my meds, but it will be a few weeks until I notice a difference. Everything I try to reach to make my husband and/or boss happy flies back in my face. So sex and job satisfaction have just disappeared from my to do list. I can function without them; other people do it all the time.

So for right now I’ll just walk around and pick up toys and ignore my bosses glares. I’ll try to lose too much empathy as I continue to shield myself from whatever this is. I just feel bad about complaining, so I don’t. We haven’t experienced a hurricane in Ohio and we still have our health insurance. It could be so much worse and me not having sex for months just doesn’t seem to make the cut. But I still feel the lowest I’ve ever been, and that’s not a pleasant thing for me.

On the positive side, I can still shock my mother-in-law.

Have you ever noticed how…

Taking a shower is just like masturbation:

Rye stepping into the shower.

  1. You always want to stay longer, but then your fingers get pruny. There is just never enough time and the pruny thing can be difficult to explain at work.
  2. There are all sorts of bottles of lotions and liquids to make it more fun. Cause you’re worth it!
  3. It’s fun with a friend. Or more 🙂
  4. It’s best with the lights on, feeling warm and comfortable (this may just be me). As an exhibitionist, I do love a good show.
  5. Touching yourself all over is optimal. And fun.
  6. A child walking in ruins the whole thing. Trust me, personal experience.
  7. Toys can be fun. Come on, you all have a rubber ducky, right?
  8. Hair can sometimes make the whole process take longer. And sometimes that’s a good thing.
  9. You can never spend as much time doing it as you want. I mean, sometimes my kids just won’t accept cereal for dinner.
  10. To feel refreshed, it’s best if done every day. A good mood and smelling clean are necessary for being the best you.

 

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Christmas Dry Spell

Christmas for me is about stress. Ever since I reached the age where I began purchasing gifts for friends and family. I always want to find that perfect present. I really look for personal gifts. Finding something that I know a person would enjoy is always a goal. Often there will be something that is a joke or memory attached, or something they  really need.

One year I found a rare Care Bear on Ebay that my Aunt collects. Another year I did and Etsy Christmas were all my gifts were handmade and I made my own cards and wrapping paper. That was obviously before we had kids and I still had time and money to burn.

For the last few years Christmas has been a mad scramble. I am usually optimistic when I start the shopping list and budget in early November. But by the first week in December I am a mess. I am almost always over budge (four years and counting) and can never find time to get caught up with everything that needs done.

The wrapping piles up until the last hours before Christmas. This year everything is down in the basement as that’s the only place we can regulate the kids’ access. And every night I plan to go down and get a little bit done, but some other immediate need comes up and it continues to be pushed off.

Then there are the last minute, “oh shit” people that I forget to buy for. This year it was the boys’ teachers. Last year it was the husband’s boss. So some last minute shopping trip(s) is inevitable. Again sucking up time and ruining my carefully planned budget even more.

I know, my whining has nothing to do with kink. But it has a lot to do with sex. As in, we don’t have any. I haven’t done a factual study, but I’d wager that December is easily my sexless month. Jack’s recent visit aside, obviously (that is not, though hopefully will be standard). I am just too stressed out. I hardly sleep. Getting to bed late and up early doesn’t give us many sexy opportunities.

There is also the influx of extended family time. This year they are coming to our house. Which, while it does mean we get to sleep in our own bed, does mean that quietness is paramount. When we travel I always feel a little weird having sex in someone else’s house. A hotel is fine, but I never know how squeaky someone’s guest bed is, or, how thin the walls are.

So we usually spend the weekend drinking, getting horny, and then going to bed frustrated. Or we’ll stay up chatting with family or fighting with the kids to stay in bed until we pass out. Either way, I guess I should only speak for me, but I’m a grumpy mess by the time everyone leaves. Making sure that everyone else is having a good time and getting everything they need is exhausting. And as I only get Monday off this year since Christmas falls on a Sunday, I’ll be heading back to work on Tuesday. My poor co-workers.

**To spite this post I grabbed the Doxy and had a marvelous orgasm last night. To spite me right back, as soon as I put the Doxy away I remembered I don’t have a dinner planned for tonight.**

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A Crazy Week

This week has been emotionally and physically exhausting. The kids went to grandma’s house on Friday night and all Sir and I could think about was a good night’s sleep.

A dear friend found out his daughter was sexually assaulted by someone they knew.

All you can do is try and be supportive. I started to get upset with him when he indicated that she might not pursue prosecution. But, after reflecting, that really wasn’t fair of me. I have never been through such a horrific experience, and it’s not my place to judge. I just wish I could do more for their family as they struggle with this tragic event.

Took on a big grant project at work.

Much more positive than above, but still overwhelming. I am really looking forward to the challenge and showing my boss that I am the amazing person they thought I was when they hired me. And it’s a long term thing. The complete project isn’t due until January, but it will take a lot of piece meal work whenever I get a moment. Usually my desk is covered with requests and filings, so finding extra time may be tough. But the rewards could be worth it if I can get us a chunk of money next year, so fingers crossed.

2yo has decided that sleep is for the weak.

It’s been about a week and a half now. I’m not sure why, but 4:30, or 5:00 if we are lucky, has become his new morning. Which he chooses to share with Sir and I by coming into our room and poking Sir in the stomach. I don’t think it is really sustainable as we are both grumpy and he is falling asleep before lunch at school. Running around at night isn’t helping though, so more devious tactics may be required.

Sir talked to his doctor about his libido and is changing his meds.

Neither of us are getting ahead of ourselves with high expectations. We’ll see if he notices a difference in the next few weeks. I feel bad as I am afraid that he just got tired of me whinging on here. But at the same time, if it helps, I don’t think either of us will be complaining.

Had my STI screening done before I go to California next week.

Everything came back negative, but it was still a tense few days. I don’t know why, but testing like that always freaks me out. Neither Sir nor I have had an symptoms, it was just a formality really so I could take paperwork with me. The last thing I want is for my friends to feel uncomfortable. And the clinic was actually very nice. I was worried they would be judgmental as I numbered partners, but they were informative and polite.

Pinched a nerve in my neck which incapacitated me for several days.

And, the reason I haven’t written much this week is that I pinched a nerve. I wrote a bit about it on Thursday, but it continued to get worse. On Friday, while the kids were at grandma’s and we were supposed to be enjoying a sexy evening along, we ended up at Urgent Care. They prescribed some muscle relaxers and sent me home. After a good night’s sleep I felt a lot better, now it’s mostly a light soreness. But last week was a mess of unproductive evenings.

Luckily, even with everything going on, yesterday was amazing. We had some good family time and I got a lot done. Business stuff and house cleaning got caught up and Sir and I were even able to connect. Hopefully, this week before I go to California we will be able to focus on each other and really have some time together. I want to ensure that we are in a good, solid place before I leave him with the kids for a week so I can have a sexual tryst. His support and mutual excitement for me has been amazing, but connecting with him before I go and after I get back will be the real test to see if this will ever happen again.

#MomLife

5yo: We need to lift my bed up. Way, way high up. And then put a ladder on it. I am a very good climber. And then we can put a bed underneath by bed. So someone else can sleep under my bed.

Me: Like your brother?

5yo: No mom….like my dog. She is not a good climber.

~

Sometimes life isn’t always sexy, and that’s okay.

Snip Snip

Sir and I have a big day today. I am only at the office this morning and then coming home at lunch. We have made the decision to be done having children. To make this a permanent decision Sir has decided to have a bilateral vasectomy. The procedure will be done this afternoon and he will be home from work until Monday.

I will continue to keep my implant as it releases hormones that my body needs to stay on track. But at this point, when it comes out, I may not get another one. Maybe if we are having regular sex with other partners, but we’ll see.

Sir decided that this option was much safer than me having a tubal ligation and doesn’t require an overnight hospital stay. He only has to be off work for a few days and has some sick time built up. My mother-in-law is also coming up to help make the school run tomorrow and, I think, also taking the kids this weekend. I will be helping my parents move into their new condo, so he will have peace and quiet. Just the dog, the couch, and rotation of frozen bags of peas for his dick.

I know I’m making light of this, but it’s a big deal. It means the world to me that he’s willing to take this pain on so I don’t have to have surgery. Taking off an afternoon of work is a lot less than the week I would probably lose if I was in the hospital. And he does get a weekend of computer games and quiet.

Honestly, the only bummer about it is that we can’t have sex for ten days. My Doxy and I will become even better friends, but it will be hard to be hands off of him. We’ll have to be good on our anniversary. I will probably encourage him to have some fun with one of his favorite canes after the kids go to bed. We’ll just have to make sure he doesn’t get too turned on and rip his stitches.

The kids are going to grandma’s

I hope you all realize the beauty of that statement.

What you may not realize is how needed it is. Sir and I are burnt out. No of our kids, we love them. Their snotty, screaming faces brighten our day. But the craziness of work, kids, travelling, and general stress have worn us down. And the first thing to get cut when time crunches happen is our time together.

Honestly, the last few nights we have said ‘I love you’ as we crashed into bed and that’s the most we’ve talked all day. He and I have taken to texting when time allows at work, just so we know each others’ schedules. Time at home is about entertaining kids while trying to keep piles of dishes and dirty clothes at bay.

Both of us are craving some connection. Some bondage, pain, and sex sound good too. So we’ll see how things go. No expectations. Birthday celebrations could be anything.

Aside from a chance to look sexy for Sir, I’m not all about fancy nights out. Some pizza, cider, and porn would make for my perfect birthday night in.

Or…

Reading this month’s submissions for Elust out loud while Sir cooks dinner could be fun too.

Or…

Taking an afternoon nap curled up with Sir as we enjoy a chance to catch up on some sleep.

All of these activities would, of course, be preformed naked. Preferably directly before or after sex.

Sounds like my weekend plans have been finalized.

Whose really getting the vacation?

Today after work the kids and I are heading to the beach house my parents are renting. It’s just for the weekend. They have been their for the last week sending me torturous pictures of them sitting in lawn chairs with mixed drinks while I’m at work. I am hoping to get through one smut book a few cocktails while my dad chases the kids around.

Sir is staying home with the dog to try and get work done.  It’s terrible, but I’m a little jealous. No kids screaming in your ear at 5:30am. No house full of people to pepper you with questions about life, job, house, etc. And no 3-hour drive with the kids complaining that we aren’t there yet. Why did I agree to this again?

All whining aside it should be a nice time. And considering my Californian sex vacation in October, I can’t really begrudge Sir this break. I’m just trying not to think about work that I should be doing. It will all be here when I get home, so I’ll just focus on my book and drink instead.

I’m not sure about the quality of the internet connection though. So I may be M.I.A. until Monday. I am trying to sort out a Sinful Sunday post though, so we’ll see. And hopefully I’ll at least be able to post lovely pictures of me relaxing on twitter.

Working Woman

I head out this morning to my first real client for my business. They aren’t related to me or anything. Okay, they are friends of mine, but it still counts as I am being paid. My bank account is up and I am happy to get going. So we’ll see how it goes. Going from a part-time job to a full-time job and a business is a a challenge. But it’s amazing.

I feel so good. I’m busy. Sleep is overrated anyway. But I feel like I’m contributing to the family and even though I have less time with the kids, the time I do have is more positive. I’m happy and calm rather than stressed out and frazzled like I have been. I think the weight loss is helping too, though I’m not sure which is the catalyst for the other.

It’s just generally been a really positive experience so far. Working has always been important for me, and Sir has supported that. As much as the thought of being a 24/7 kept slave sounds amazing, most of me knows that it really wouldn’t be. I’d love the control, but I’m not sure it would work out how we both would want it do. And with two boys appetites growing exponentially, having two incomes is quickly becoming a necessity.

So we’ll see what happens with my business. It will probably just stay an evenings and weekends thing for awhile. My full-time job has insurance and that is important for us right now. Eventually I would love to be able to work for myself full-time, but I’m not sure I have enough friends to pay for that.

Plans for the Night

One of my goals for July is to have a date night. Sir and I both working full-time now is putting a strain on us. When we get home we have the kids and dinner to sort out. We have about an hour or so after we get them both to bed. Sometimes sex happens, sometimes not. But either way we don’t get a lot of time to talk. A date night would be a great way to sit and just enjoy each other for a bit.

Due to late evenings and child care, it will probably have to be on a weekend. Maybe some Saturday night when Sir’s mother can come and stay with the kids. Even just so we could go out to dinner. Maybe some shopping afterwards so we can walk around and hold hands. The youngest is coming up on this second birthday, so we could walk around and play with toys for a bit. Actual toys, not sexy ones.

So if we do get some evening out, what should we do? A movie could be good for cuddles and groping, but not much conversation. Shopping, again good for PDA, but the budge wouldn’t allow for a lot of spending. We could try to find a night for a local BDSM activity and try to attend that. We both really want to get active in our local to meet people, we are just limited because of the kids what we can really commit too.

The other option is to try and have my mother-in-law take the kids out somewhere and we could stay in. Maybe do a fun scene in the basement full of pain and moaning and hopefully sexy pictures. Could be a good choice. A night of M/s would be fun considering how little we usually get to play.