Especially when your mother-in-law is visiting and has taken the kids downstairs so you can sleep in for once in your life. When you both decide that a shower together sounds like the perfect way to wake up.
Honestly, just throw the soap at that point (don’t hit him, he won’t like that). You won’t need the soap. Nothing cleans you off like a first thing in the morning shower fuck.
Wait, what? I must have missed something. The three-year old pulling on my arm about where the toy store is must have distracted me. I didn’t even hear someone ask him a question. We continued walking the mall, bought some clothes for the kids and tried not to be too embarrassed when either yelled or cried. Then, on the way back toward the car,
“Oh, no. I don’t think I can do this again.” Again? “Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
“No, thank you.” Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. I kept moving as I didn’t want to lag behind him with the stroller. The sheer willpower he had to say no to two adorable girls peddling bites of sugary heaven was impressive. But to do it twice?
I am constantly surprised by Sir’s strength. Anyone who can turn down boxes of Somoas or Thin Mints can chain me to the bed anytime.
So much for hiding out for a few more days. Baby 2.0 has his six month check-up tomorrow and with Winter Storm Linus heading this way, I actually came home last night instead of this morning. It was nice to be home; the kids even slept in the car so I could belt out my random mix of music without reprisal. And Sir was happy that we were home safe too.
Until the kids went to bed…and he pulled out the ball gag so show me my mistake in ordering the black instead of the red.
He didn’t appreciate me telling him that the color really doesn’t matter. That the strap was black on both and the colored portion will be in my mouth.
He also didn’t really like me reminding him that he’s basically colorblind anyway, so black and red could look similar. I mean, the man can’t tell the difference between black and navy pants to save his life. But he just saw that as some sort of challenge to make the marks on me darker so he, “could see them properly with [his] weak eyes.”
But I probably pushed too far when I said that maybe if he wants something that specific he should just order his own toys next time. I knew it was a stupid thing to say, but after two days of small talk with his mom and driving two hours, I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. I think I was subconsciously trying that guy thing where you ask them to wash dishes or something and they purposefully do a terrible job so you never ask them again. Or, I just got distracted and forgot to double check the color when I hit the checkout button. I doubt either excuse would have made him very happy.
And after last night I am about ready to see if I can find mouth-safe paint that will adhere to medical grade latex red.
The new whip and ball gag that Sir told me to order arrived today. He called me just so he could make thwap noises with the whip on the bed. And to let me know that I am in serious trouble because I ordered the wrong color ball gag. I must have accidentally added it to the cart without changing it to red. Eep!
And, stupid me, now he has a new whip to punish me with. Maybe I will just stay at his mom’s for a few more days.
1. What is the nickname a lover had for you that made you cringe? Sexy. As in ‘hey, sexy’. Which is hilarious, considering we weren’t having sex when this became my little pet name. And, truly cringe worthy, he felt completely comfortable calling me this in front of my parents. He was a winner.
2. Where do you most often toss or keep your excess change (coins)? We have a glass vase in our dining room where we throw coins. They don’t last long there as my son takes the coins and moves them to his own bank. It’s like our own money laundering service. Except we don’t get the money back.
3. If someone wrote a book about your past lovers and past sex life, which category fits best: a. Abnormal psychology book b. Steamy romance novel c. Sad sad story Sadly, if I’m honest, it’s A. A drug addict, the friend that I shouldn’t have gone there with who then revealed his anger management problem. The guy with commitment issues. And, of course, the one night stand. But it’s ok, I ended up with Sir. The sadist whose parents were both ministers. Yeah, definitely A.
4. Some say sex is like driving. Pretend you are a car. Are you: rear, front or all-wheel drive?
In my vanilla life I was front wheel. But now…now I’m all-wheel everything.
5. What is it that you do daily that you would like to stop doing? Does changing my son’s diapers count? I cannot really stop doing that. I guess more realistically I would like to stop laying in bed in the morning. I need to get up and moving in the morning, but it’s just so easy to stay snuggled up (usually with Sir, a dog, and one or more boys).
6. What is the biggest lie you ever told to get someone into bed or the biggest lie you ever told in bed? “No, I don’t have the flu.”
Bonus: If married, who was interested in marriage first, you or your spouse?
I would have said me, but every time I talk about how I pushed it, he gets all huffy. So, we’ll say him. Although, to be fair, we were engaged after only a few months, so I’m sure we were sprinting down the road together.
Sir told me to go and slap my clit five times. I may have kept it up until I came. There may or may not also have been some nipple pinching. I’m probably in trouble. But I can still smell my arousal on my fingers. I hope it’s not bragging to say that I smell good.
I hope I can remember that when Sir gets home and finds out I had an orgasm without permission.