Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

This is Different, He’s a Man

I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.

Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.

This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.

I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.

So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.

I am so nervous.

Sometimes Less is More in the Dating Scene

I’ll preface this with saying that I don’t currently have (or have ever had) a dating profile online. A comment on my Fetlife about how I am looking for a play partner is about as close as it gets. I hate talking about myself in any sort of advertising way. However, for the purposes of trying new things I created a hypothetical ‘dating profile’. It would read:

Sexy 30-Something Looking For Fun

Married, hetero-flexible submissive looking for a poly friend with benefits. Play-dates and romantic evenings possible. Looking local, but will travel. Non-smoker a must.*

Short, sweet and reasonably vague. Isn’t that how they are supposed to read? I look at it like meeting a first date in person. You don’t want to scare them away, but you want to make sure that boundaries are laid. It really doesn’t provide the whole story though.

What about an ‘It’s all on the table’ version?

Submissive Mother Looking For Emotional Support with Sex

I’m a married, hetero-flexible mother looking for a break from her children and daily responsibilities. I love to give and receive oral sex. General submissive who also falls under labels of little, human pet, and masochist given the right Dom. Would love the right partner to spoil me and let me be myself. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but I do love dogs and am completely addicted to coffee. Big nerd who likes body hair, tattoos and people who love food. I don’t generally wear make-up and will always choose sweats over dressing up. Very high sex drive who also loves to cuddle. If you’re brave enough to give me a chance, I’ll try to be less crazy in person as I seem on paper. No promises though. Non-smoker a must.*

See, there’s something about the shorter one that makes me think I’d get more responses.

 

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

 

*Unless it’s cigars. I don’t know why, but I love the smell of cigar smoke. Sexy as hell.

Peace and Quiet

Those of you with small children may hate me reading this, so I don’t judge you at all if you just skip over this post today.

My children are gone. My mother-in-law came last night and left this morning with the kids. Right now I’m sitting on my couch, by myself, in the quiet of my living room. It’s insane. I have a list of things to get done today. Cleaning the living room as I know it will actually stay clean for a day or two. Organizing my craft space in the basement where I can get away, my own woman cave. I would love to go for a walk. Get to know the neighborhood better and get a good workout in would be nice. Hell, I am drinking my coffee out of a mug rather than a travel cup as I don’t have to worry about small hands knocking it over. It’s all about the little joys, right.

And I’m planning a date. A with someone else date. It’s going to be interesting. Sir is supportive. In fact, I think we’re both a little excited. A new experience for both of us. But I’m looking at it as a chance to help me define my submission better. Sir often asks what I want from him as a Dom and I really struggle with that question. I am hoping that interacting and possibly doing scenes with another Dom will help me to clarify what I enjoy and need from him. It’s a scary thought though. I realized the other day that I haven’t had sex with anyone else in ten years. It’s just a little heady that today that could change. On the other hand, we could not mesh well at all and just go our separate ways having met a new kinky friend. I’m sure either way I’ll be reflecting and writing about it for a few days.

I’m nervous though. Sitting here in my peace and quiet and I just want to make a good impression. Maybe I need another shower.

The ‘Perfect’ Date

I was born in 1985 (no, I am not trying to rub it in). So I am part of a generation (Y, I think) that didn’t really date. I grew up in a rural community where it took half an hour to drive anywhere, and there was nothing to drive to. In high school I had boyfriends, but we mostly hung out in groups or at one another’s homes. I think I went out to dinner before my senior prom, which, looking back, is a night I would rather forget all around. But that was pretty much it. I didn’t have a ‘real’ date until I was in college.

It was the summer before my senior year and I had just gotten back from my semester abroad. I felt worldly, but also incredibly horny and I hadn’t been in a relationship for over a year. So, when a friend suggested a guy that she thought I might like, I didn’t immediately shut her down. Why I agreed to a blind date though I will never know. An act of desperation. I think I wanted to feel special, and get laid, I remember really wanting to get laid. Maybe even just felt up in the movie theatre, there is no harm in that.

Rather than have him pick me up at my house, we both met up where I worked. The girls I worked with all came to critique my outfit and ‘prepare’ me for the evening. I didn’t think I was that much of a spaz in my early twenties, but apparently that view is not agreed upon by all. Adam (I honestly can’t remember his name, so this may or may not be a successful attempt at anonymity) was on time and nicely dressed, but I knew the evening was a bust as soon as I looked at him.

I grew up in a farming community. Where everyone knows everyone and your probably related to most. Where the idea of leaving the country was scary, and people thought I was weird for not knowing how to shoot a gun, much less own one. And as soon as I set eyes on him, I knew that when I told him I wanted to go to grad school in Scotland he would look at me as if I had grown another head. It would have been really hard for me to have sex with someone like that, horny or not.

So we went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. We hit all the non-religious and non-political conversation topics. It was awkward as he described what he was looking for in a woman, especially when he said blond. Guess he took sex off the table pretty quick too. But we went to see a movie and then drove back to work. I don’t remember what movie we saw, or much else about the evening. I remember feeling pretty disappointed at the end of it. My mom asked me how it went when I got home and couldn’t really answer her. Obviously not well, but it wasn’t like it was his fault. I think I told her that he wore a camouflage baseball hat and she just nodded and went to bed. We just didn’t mesh. I don’t remember us having anything in common. I think he commented on how he liked that I ate like a person, as all of the other girls he dated only ordered salads and left half their food. I took it as a compliment.

But it was a date. A ‘he paid for everything and I wore a dress’ date. My one, and hopefully only, blind date. I did feel special, but not by him. By all the people who wanted me to have a good time and who asked me how it went. They made the experience a fun memory.

This was my only date before I met Sir. I know it sounds pathetic, but considering my bad experience, I’m not too torn up about it. Sir and I rarely get the opportunity to date now. Maybe a dinner out here or there, but any outing that includes a run to the grocery to buy diapers doesn’t count as a date in my book. I can probably count on one hand the number of times in the last few years that I have been able to dress up and look my best for Sir. But, then again, it all depends on what is important to you. For us, occasional junk food and curling up on the couch naked together is a perfect evening. Or at least, me kneeling in front of the couch anyway.

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