Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Largest

I really don’t want to admit this to myself. So I’m going to write it here so I can’t escape this truth. I currently weigh the most I have ever weighed. At this moment I weigh in at 207lbs/93.89kg. That’s more than when I was pregnant with either of my kids. Which sounds bad, I know, but I was sick for most of both pregnancies, so they don’t really count. I actually lost weight with my second one. And I was back to my pre-baby weight before I even left the hospital either time. It sounds nice, but it was actually horrible.

Anyway, the concern is that I’m overweight now.

A lot of it is residual stress. The old job got me about twenty of these pounds in the last year. Then lack of good sleep, stress with money, and lack of sex aren’t helping either. But more than that, I’m just not taking good care of myself. I’m not eating well. And my exercise regimes have disappeared. My flexibility and endurance have worsened as well. I’m just turning into a blob.

And that’s just not good enough.

I mean, how can I really enjoy sex if I’m only focusing on how unhappy my body makes me? And, in a much less selfish way, I have two kids to watch grow up. I have to get back into shape and start making better food choices. I bought my wonder woman water bottle and have been trying to drink more water to stay hydrated (ignore the fact that I left it at home yesterday). But, obviously water isn’t enough on it’s own.

Fern (@Ferns_) is doing an #fwocrew workout tracking week this week. My goal is three. And I’ve only got until Sunday to fit them in. It sounds easy, and it probably should be, but I have a feeling it’s going to be tough to set aside the time. Usually I have some time in the mornings. The boys are often up though, and constantly in need of something (milk, apple, cartoons). It’s difficult to get into a good rhythm when you are constantly being interrupted.

So I have a lot of mini-goals as I try to tackle this weight. But until I can get the water and exercise into a more consistent pattern I don’t want to add too much more. Eventually I want to get back to calorie counting and maybe look at a step counter. Since my last one broke a replacement hasn’t been in the cards. That may end up on the Christmas list.

I just can’t keep this slow creep upwards in weight. My clothes are getting a bit too tight for comfort and my lack of energy is really getting to me. And, as much as I would love to blame my husband’s low sex drive solely on him; it’s not like I’ve been making a good effort either. I don’t expect that losing twenty pounds will suddenly make him want to sleep with me again. But taking care of myself is my best shot to stay in a good place for him.

The next few months will be a bit rough. But I need to do this for me as much as for my family, Dom, lover, and all those who care about me. I deserve to be healthy; even if I have to be my own worst enemy to do it.*

*There is nothing wrong with being healthy. I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s some great hardship. I just have an unnatural love of mayonnaise, ranch dressing, and fried foods. It’s more learning how to deny myself, which, as a self-spoiled little, it no easy task.

Spoil Me Thin

Okay, that title is crap. Well, I think it’s crap. I’ve never really been spoiled too much before. But I’m pretty sure I cannot blame that on me being overweight. If I can, please let me know immediately.

As my twitter boyfriend and I near the holidays we are trying to push our weight-loss into overdrive. We have issued a challenge to one another. The goal is to lose at least 8 lbs. by Christmas (1 lb. per week). We are going to try and support one another to exercise more and stay on top of our diets. Between vacations, emotionally tense situations, and life in general, we have both let things slide. Me much more than him, if I’m honest.

So after a week of logging food (again), and even attempting to exercise, I have gained a pound. Yeah, because my body can’t say ‘fuck you’ enough. I didn’t even eat that much candy this weekend. Though after I stepped off the scale I certainly wanted to. Instead I went outside and raked leaves for a little over an hour. Feeling good about myself I then ruined all my hard work by having Taco Bell for lunch. Yes, I know, I’m a glutton for punishment.

I’m just so up and down mood-wise lately. And it honestly surprises me how much that will mess with my sleep and weight patterns. And stress is going to be around for awhile, so if I’m going to meet this challenge I will have to find a way to push through. The twitter boyfriend has made the offer quite nice.

We talked about gifts and different things to reward ourselves with if we make it. We decided that in order to get the rewards, we both have to meet the goal. This way it’s about supporting each other, rather than it becoming a competition. He has talked about giving me a spa day. I have always wanted a full wax, so it certainly sounds like good motivation. Buying for him is more difficult though. He doesn’t like the idea of me spending money on him, and we aren’t sure how his wife will feel about it. As neither of us want to mess with their current progress, we are still working out his reward.

I’m hopeful though that this will restart my weight loss. I went down twenty pounds over the summer and then completely stalled out at the end of August. I haven’t put a lot back on (except for that fucking one pound!). However, I’m still shy of my goal weight by quite a lot and I’m worried that this plateau may be permanent.

While I thought that more sex may help, it has not had the desired affect. That or I just haven’t hit the threshold for sex to be considered a workout. I was planning on participating in All Anal November this year, so it’s possible that Sir and I can make it work. Not that I intend to make this some sort of diet or weight loss blog, but I will keep you posted. A wax is on the line, and being the exhibitionist that I am I need to win it so I can post pictures. It will be a happy holiday for everyone.

Self Care Doesn’t Pay the Bills

Twitter Boyfriend: I do hope that you are giving yourself enough care and attention and not trying to be superwoman or supermom too much.

Me: Self care and attention doesn’t pay the bills. I am trying though.

Twitter Boyfriend: I know it does. But I do see some things that you’ve worked on taking a bit of a backseat at the moment. Just want to know that this is only temporary.

Me: Like what?

Twitter Boyfriend: Your writing and diet tracking are the two I’ve notice. I suspect there are other I don’t see – reading/craft I suspect.

Me: I wish I could argue with that.

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Balance is something that I used to be good at. At least, I thought I was. I would make sure I set aside time for myself when I was working. I would take a half day or even a whole day off every few months to relax. I would wear sweat pants, sew, clean; it was nice to feel productive and have ‘me time’. I could always balance time with Sir and his work without issue. Even in law school we managed to set aside time for one another.

Flash forward to two kids, a house, a dog, and two full-time jobs. Three if you count my business. My tight rope has gotten narrower and my balance has worsened. And that isn’t even taking into account our attempts at D/s in and out of the bedroom. I just feel like the ‘have to’ things are always taking precedent over the ‘want to’ items. The twitter boyfriend commented that my writing and diet tracking haven’t been great lately. But they haven’t. Work and birthday parties have been my focus for weeks now.

So now, how to get balance back? I hate to put too much pressure on it, but I have high hopes for my California trip. Even the plane flights. Time to read my book, or write some flash fiction. I have a day on a train. No joke, I get on the train at around 9:30 am and don’t get into L.A. until near 10 pm that night. I’m honestly just as excited for that as I am for my first threesome. Don’t judge me!

I think over the next few weeks before my trip I want to try and find a better way to balance things. Hopefully that won’t continue to mean that my diet and creative projects aren’t ignored. Maybe even some more regular D/s play could be found to fit in somewhere. Full bondage or wax play may not work in the schedule, but more spankings are always a good thing.

Updates on Life

House fireplaceIt’s been a crazy few months, but things are finally settling down around here. We’ve been in the house for almost two months now. The contractors are done and gone. Our kitchen is well and truly lived in, though I try and clear the counters completely at least once a week. My dad is donating his time one day a week this summer to help finish up little projects around the house. It’s been really helpful to finish the trim painting and getting things done. The fireplace he did for us out of barn wood from my great-grandfathers farm is amazing. I can’t decide if it’s out of place in our more modern kitchen or not. Honestly, I don’t really care.

Starting Picture of Rye before diet
Starting Picture

I’ve started the diet and exercise in earnest. My twitter support group, #fwocrew, is amazing. And I’m working with the twitter boyfriend on dieting and counting calories. I’m only down about 15 pounds so far, but in only two months I am pretty happy with it. And the inches I’ve lost on my thighs are noticeable enough in my dress pants too. Hopefully I will get this set as a new lifestyle and get down to my goal weight by next year. It’s not easy. I fucking love ranch dressing.

I started a new job about five weeks ago. I still have my business, but I quit my work from home job. I get out of the house now, and I have nice clothes. It’s a bit crazy. But the work is interesting and I’m learning a lot. It’s not a ton of money, but there is potential there. And I like what I’m doing, so that counts for a lot. Sir and I are both out of the house during the day now, which makes it difficult for everything to be cleaned and neat all the time. But we’re managing.

Rye in BDSM sceneKink is another story. That reads poorly. We’re still enjoying all our kinky fun. It’s a little less consistent, but that’s just life. And we’ll spin it in a positive way and say it’s more spontaneous instead. We have started to make steps towards more of an open marriage relationship. Right now that has only had me playing with one other person (not a wonderful experience), but we’re taking it slow.

I am super excited for my trip in October though. I’ve been in contact (shamelessly flirting) with a guy on twitter for awhile now. So this fall I am flying out to spend two days with him and his wife. Even if it ends up being a fun visit with friends and a mini-break it will still be amazing. However, I am expecting some amazing sex and my first threesome. Great pictures and my first trip to the west coast. It will be fantastic no matter what. After I see them I am taking a coastal train down to L.A. to see my cousin who moved out there last year. She is like a little sister to me and it will be great to see her. There may be a matching tattoo trip as well (pictures might will follow).

So that’s a good all around basic update, right? The house, the job, sex, and upcoming fun. The kids are going to grandma’s tonight, so Sir and are hoping for some play time and a chance to sleep in tomorrow. If I make it to 7am I will call it a win, but Sir says getting up because you want to and not because you have to is the point. And he said it, so it must be true 🙂

Coming Down

I have been in a shitty mood lately. Not really sure why.

I think I have been riding the high of getting this job so fast and finally feeling good about my career. Now that I’ve been going for a week and half, it’s just my job. I’m still very new to everything and schedules are still being sorted, but the high is gone. Now I come home to a million things to do and have less time with the kids and Sir. Dinners have been quite haphazard and not the healthiest. It’s just part of the overall transition and I’m not handling it the best. Are you really surprised?

At least the mood isn’t because of the diet. I am trying to work out how to spread my calories across the day so that I have energy in the evening. I feel bad crawling into bed when I lay the 4yo down. Sir and I are going to forget what each other’s genitalia look like soon. Well, he’s not, because he can just look at my cunt on the blog, but I’m getting fuzzy. In reality the diet is going well. The pounds aren’t falling off as fast as I’d like, but I’m not really known for patience. My push-ups and sit-ups have made my arms and abs very sore though. Sir is jealous. The other night in bed he kept having me roll over as he knew it hurt and wanted me to continue to hiss in pain. Sadists *slowing shakes head*.

Even with all this schedule madness, we are hoping for some good scene time this weekend. Maybe some fun toys, and some lovely hitty things. Rope and pain in the basement sounds like a great way to spend a Saturday. After my workout and mowing the lawn, of course. And the meal planning for dinners next week and the subsequent grocery run. And changing the sheets and the general weekly clean. On second thought, maybe Sir can just squeeze my nipples first thing in the morning before the boys start yelling for cartoons and fruit loops. There might be enough time for that.

New Rules

So the twitter boyfriend and have finally come up with some rules/definitions for what we’re doing. He doesn’t really feel comfortable with me calling him Sir, as he doesn’t consider himself a dominant. But a mentor/coach also seemed off as we want to leave this open to possibly become more in the future. So when he chooses a name I’ll be sure to let you know. For now, twitter boyfriend will have to do.

My last post regarding my new ‘pet’ status seemed to confuse and worry some people. The last thing I want is to be seen as trying to break up a marriage or encouraging a good friend to keep something from his wife. So let me be clear; both spouses know what is going on and are supportive. This is, as you will see below, because largely our relationship isn’t control. It’s help with a diet and workout routine. No perimeters for reward or punishment exist. And both of us have an out if things ever start to put stress on our primary relationship. Like I said last time, we are just taking everything slow.

So this is what we’ve got so far.

Twitter Boyfriend’s Rules for his pet

Rule 1

Cardinal rule – respective spouses take precedent in all matters including ending this arrangement

Rule 2

A food diary will be maintained detailing all foods consumed as accurately as possible on a daily basis

Rule 3

A calorie intake target will be agreed based on weight loss goals. This will be reviewed from time to time. It is used as a guide only at this point in time and not a ‘no more’ than amount

Rule 4

On up to two occasions within a calendar month, one meal in any given day can be substituted with a notional calorie amount regardless of the food and drinks consumed during that meal

Rule 5

The food diary will be reviewed and advice given on possible food options to provide better nutrition or weight loss outcomes

Rule 6

Body weight will be measured each Sunday at as close to the same time each week, recorded and shared

Rule 7

Every four weeks body measurements are to be taken, recorded and shared. Body shape tracking photographs are to be taken and shared at the same time as the body measurements

Rule 8

An agreed workout schedule will be developed. The schedule will include a minimum of 3 planned activities of between 30 – 45 minutes duration each week. The workout will be logged and the completion tweeted using the #FWOcrew tag.

Rule 9

The preparation of one meal a week will be set as a challenge to expand healthy eating options and to try cooking different foods. The recipe will be selected and agreed in advance. You can choose when to prepare it within the week (Sunday – Saturday). A photo of the result is to be tweeted using the #foodporn.

Adjustment to rules are by negotiation. Additional rules maybe added from time to time.

Please remember that we are working towards a lifestyle change that is sustainable for the rest of your life. Food is not the enemy and should be enjoyed.

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 This is just a start and what we’ve agreed to. I’m sure there will be changes and possibly additions to what we have listed. I think that both of us would like more, but we are committed to respecting Rule 1, so that may not happen.

And as a test Sir and I and the kids are going out for breakfast this morning for Father’s day. We’ll see how I do with the healthy options when strawberry covered pancakes are staring me in the face. Wish me luck!

A Pet for Good Behavior

After my experience with being loaned, I realized that a permanent second dominant wasn’t going to work in my life. Between work, my kids, and Sir there just isn’t enough time left. I would always feel like I was short-changing him. However, I still craved the control and attention that Sir didn’t always have the time or energy to give me. I’m selfish like that.

Enter my good friend from twitter. He has always classified himself as sub, an unrequited sub in most cases. We have been talking for a long time and have quite a bit in common despite our age difference. He has supported and helped me through a lot in the last several months and I consider one of my closest friends, even though he lives half a world away.

He has been doing a lot of reading as of late and is entering an amazing new period of discovery of himself and his relationships. So we are looking at redefining our friendship as well. I am now his pet (Can I just say **Woohoo** as this has been something I’ve been reading and fantasizing about for a very long time?). We are really taking our time with this. We don’t want to alter our friendship so much that it cannot be repaired if this experiment doesn’t go to plan. We started working on our diets and exercise together, so we are just going to ramp that up a bit. I have to take body measurements and he is going to put together an exercise schedule once I get settled in the new job. Like I said, slow.

Sir has been supportive. Controlling my diet is not on his list of fun things. That and he knows how much I go gooey when I am called ‘pet’. I have been wearing a smile the entire weekend and I don’t think he is going to complain.

Both of us have marriages (his isn’t D/s) and kids and jobs, and we want to respect that as we play around with adding this dynamic to our friendship. We don’t really have a label as yet, though he calls me pet (which I find gooey and lovely, if you were following along). There will be slow changes as we add things and change rules and reporting. Eventually he may decide to set up some sort of reward/punishment system. Sir has offered to give punishments. Somehow he was quiet when rewards were mentioned. But again, there are things to take into consideration. Buying me things isn’t an option until his wife understands what this is, if then. And rushing him isn’t what this is about, for either of us.

So I’m sure I’ll be talking about how this relationship progresses and what comes of it. Maybe I’ll see, as we sort out some sort of label for this, if I can put him on my cast list on here too. Either way I’m sure I will be wearing a smile for my first day of work this morning.

Tipsy Shopping

I’m not a big drinker (unless you count coffee). I get quite ill (no TMI, I promise), so I haven’t really over-indulged since college. And, especially now that I am trying to diet and count calories, I have reduced my alcohol intake even more. My favorite ciders have too many calories to have very often, and drinking water is a lot cheaper anyway.

But every once in awhile I have enough calories left at the end of the day to have a drink with dinner or as a nice relaxing dessert. A shot or two of rum in a mixed drink can go a long way and not kill my diet. My tolerance has dropped significantly since college and one or two drinks gets me to a pretty comfortable state of tipsy. I get more handsy with Sir; I have to watch my language around the kids. I think I get more entertaining, though I’m not sure Sir would say that.

I have found something that he does enjoying doing while I’m tipsy heading toward drunk: shopping for sex toys. I found that I will agree to try just about any toy. I normally balk at the idea of the cost of some and how much they might hurt. But give me a cocktail and the idea of a cat of nine tails seems wonderful.

So…moral of the story is…give me a drink and I’ll think all forms of BDSM are a great idea. And, Sir and I will have to monitor the post over the next week so the kids don’t intercept any packages 🙂

TMI Tuesday: Guilty Pleasures

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1. What TV show do you love to watch but are a little embarrassed to tell friends that you simply cannot miss an episode?

Hoarders. I love watching it. I don’t know if it makes me feel like we have our shit together or just redefines a messy house. But I will actually re-watch old episodes while I work and think nothing of it.

2. What website and/or magazine do you read and it’s your guilty pleasure?

Do romance novels count? I moved more boxes of those to the new house than I care to admit. I read a lot of sex blogs, but I don’t really feel guilty about that. The only problem is when I get caught up and lose and hour or two of work time.

3. What is the grocery store item you buy but you know you should not?

This has really become a problem with the diet. Everything bagels should really be left on the shelf with all the carbs. But my Achilles heel is cheese. Specifically blue cheese. There is nothing more luscious to me than a creamy, rich cheese.

4. Tell us about something you do at work that you would not want your co-workers to know that you do.

Luckily I currently work from home, so my afternoon masturbation sessions don’t bother anyone but the dog. But I am currently looking for work outside the home (I actually have an interview this morning!). So eventually I will have to wear clothes after I drop off the boys. Maybe my twitter flirting and sexting to Sir will have to be reduced at a ‘real’ job. Maybe.

5. Do you have a secret stash? What is it?

I used to have a secret stash of chocolate before I started my diet. Lately I’ve been trying to keep from buying anything that I would stockpile. What is terrible is now that I’m on a diet I have started stashing food for Sir and the boys. The kids have snacks and Sir has lots of things to take to work with him to munch on at the office.

Bonus: What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?

Embarrassing has really be redefined for me since having kids and getting into BDSM. I really love masturbating in front of Sir. I usually only feel embarrassed until I relax into it and then I don’t care who is watching. Which apparently is why Sir has started shooting video to send to a friend of ours. Reviews have been very positive and the embarrassment has faded.

So maybe ranch dressing should be my worst guilty pleasure. Sir has often offered to cover his cock in it as he is pretty sure I would give him the best blow job ever. Can’t argue with results. 🙂

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I’m hungry

And not for healthy salads or protein shakes.

I’ve been doing this diet for around two months now. We don’t have a scale in the house, so I don’t actually know if I’ve lost any weight. My mother always had weight issues growing up and so we never had a scale at home. Sir has been taking photos of me in my ‘uniform’ every few weeks. I don’t really see any changes just yet. Sir stopped me this morning as I was getting dressed and had me turn for him. He says I’m thinner. I think I just suck it in whenever I know he is looking.

Whether the pounds have come off yet or not, the work outs are getting easier. Starting with half an hour and now an hour a day. I’ve been surprised at how I have managed to fit it in. Things are still hectic and my work has been piling up. May have to put in some late nights before I visit the office next week. But it’s worth it.

Though a bacon cheeseburger sounds amazing.