Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

My Protector

Why are you naked?

Are you complaining?

No, of course not. I just thought you said you were heading upstairs to get dressed. He walked over to brush my bare stomach. Grabbing our son’s school folder, he walked back over the counter.

I think I need to change to a white bra and I know I have a clean one down on the drying rack. I walked into the laundry room and chose one of the lacy white bras that I washed earlier that day. What are you doing? 

I’m just finishing up the paperwork for parent-teacher conferences. Did you decide where you want to go for dinner?

No….I thought you said you were doing paperwork. School folder abandoned, he was now back at my side rubbing my nipple piercings.

Wanna play? Of course, he already knew the answer, but I put on the innocent smile anyway. I started to squirm a bit away from him and he reached around to slap my ass. I giggled through a ‘No’ and started laughing. He reached for me again, but we were both stopped in our tracks by the barking.

Our dog, a ten year-old boxer rescue, is a very sweet thing. She is a daddy’s girl and I’ve often said that she would turn on me and the kids in an instant for him. However, his recent action would prove  me wrong. Her barking increased until he stepped away from me. As soon as there was space she got in-between us and turned to him. She continued barking as she sat on my feet.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Apparently her face was priceless as she stood her ground to ‘protect’ me. Even when he tried to assure her that it was okay, she refused to move. I bent down to tell her that I was okay. Even rubbing her belly and scratching her ears she kept her butt on my foot and wouldn’t let him get close.

It was the sweetest thing. And she eventually did forgive him his perceived abusive transgression. I think she’s been a little bit more attentive to me though. I would’ve have thought that in all our previous BDSM fun that she would have witnessed him hitting me before. So I don’t know if it was just context, or because I said ‘No’.

In any case, it was really funny. After we both realized that we had not emotionally scarred our dog, of course. I was just so impressed at her immediate reaction and the way she came to my aid; even if it wasn’t necessary. I’ll just have to remember never to take her to any play parties or the poor thing would have a conniption.

That’s a bad idea

Have you ever wanted something so badly, but you knew it was a terrible idea? This happens to me more often than I’d like. And I’m usually good at being an adult (okay, I’m mediocre at best). I can resist the temptation for quite a while, using logic and reason to deter my bad judgment.

We have a dog. She’s a lovely a boxer that we rescued. She’s amazing with the kids and the perfect amount of cuddly. I would love to get another dog that she can train. A friend to spend time with while Sir and I are at work. Ever since our other dog passed away tragically in 2012, I’ve struggled with the idea of getting another dog. But now that we are settled in our own home, I think it would be good.

Getting another dog is a great bad idea. The reality is that Sir and I both work full time. So adding a new dog (possibly even a puppy) to the house when we wouldn’t be here to train them is a terrible plan. That and since our other dog died, our boxer has gotten very comfortable being an ‘only dog’. She does okay when my parents or mother-in-law visit with their dogs, but she’s pretty territorial of us. Forcing her to take on a puppy when she already deals with the kids doesn’t seem very fair.

This is how my bad ideas go. Even with all the logical reasons why I shouldn’t, I still really want a puppy. I’m sure it’s an emotional crutch, but as soon as I felt I was ready for another dog I wanted one right away. Even though it wasn’t a good time for us. So now that we are in a better place, it’s eating at me again. The same thing happened when my biological clock started ticking and I wanted to have a baby. It wasn’t a good time, but I didn’t care. Sir and I came up with a plan and what we need before we could start trying; I was an emotional mess for almost six months. Then each month I wasn’t pregnant was shit show.

I think it’s the way that some ideas in my brain demand immediate gratification. I have a tattoo on my back from college that I got because I woke one morning and wanted it. I don’t really regret it, but I probably should have thought about it longer. All my tattoos mean something to me; that one represents not only my college roommate, but also my lack of patience.

So these good bad ideas come up from time to time. And it’s not that they are inherently bad ideas. It’s just that at the time it is not going to work out how I want. This thing with the twitter boyfriend is like that. There are so many outside factors that I have no control over. And rather than take a step back and let things work themselves out, I get impatient. Being upset doesn’t help anyone and it just makes me feel like crap. I don’t want to be this selfish person.

I just need to let some bad ideas go until they can be good ideas. Hopefully this fall when Sir starts working from home a puppy will be more realistic as he will be here to care for it. And maybe if I let some other things fall into place first, my emotional situation with my friend may improve. But even if it doesn’t, I won’t have caused irreparable damage.

March Q&A Madness

It’s that time again. The month of March is blogger world’s time of questions and answers. Nothing is off the table. I have very few secrets myself, though I keep others well. If you really want to hear my son’s birth stories or how I organize my work piles I will share it. Ask at your own risk for sheer boredom or ick-factor.

Questions for Sir will be put to him, but his answers may depend on his workload this month. I know he still struggles with getting back into D/s and coming back to the blog to post or answer questions, but I also know he wants to. After our ‘break’ over the holidays he stepped back from here. Possibly feeling judged or just not wanting to read how I was feeling during that dark time. I know it was just as hard for him to watch me go throw that, so I guess I understand that he wouldn’t want to read about it. So I guess that’s just a word of warning about asking him about that ‘break’ period. I’m not sure we even have all the answers to those questions yet.

I will start off the month with a question for myself and any other bloggers taking part who happen to read this post. Please feel free to answer below or post to your own blog. Can’t wait to see what we learn about ourselves and each other this month.

What is one positive thing that you have given to the world?

I love dogs. And I love to provide care and a good home to rescue dogs. My one positive thing was our dog, Toby. He was an adorable puppy (see below if you don’t believe me). And for his entire life he was happy and healthy. As tragically as his life ended (he was hit by a car), I try to remember the happiness that he had with us. He prepared me to be a good mom and he showed me how wonderful rescue dogs can be. Now I can’t imagine having any other type of pet. And I will be forever grateful to him for that. I miss him everyday.

Toby as a puppy sitting on Sir's lap.
Toby on Sir’s lap in 2009.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten all teary-eyed…

Can’t wait to answer your, hopefully happier, questions and read other bloggers answers throughout the month.

Bad Neighbors

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I have two sleeping puppies next to me on the couch, looking peaceful and quiet. Yet, why do I feel like a bad neighbor. Our next door neighbor yelled at D yesterday about their barking. Even though it isn’t our dog that’s barking (it’s another neighbor down the street), I still feel bad about it. It makes me feel like we are bad neighbors. Our yard is not great. Neither of us have time to deal with it. There is a dead tree that needs removed and a lot of mud where I pulled up weeds last year and never planted new grass. Yesterday I wanted to move so bad. It totally ruined my entire day. I was so productive in the morning too.

They just look so peaceful. Like they couldn’t hurt a fly. It is just hard. D has a full-time job with school. More than full-time really. And I have at least 50 hours with the commute every week. We’ve had to change priorities to get everything done, but the yard has really taken a back seat. It makes me think that if I cannot even juggle my job and my yard, what does that say about me being a mother. My fatalist nature tells me I won’t be thrown anything that I can’t handle, but sometimes I wonder. What makes a person ready to be a parent? It is all about money? Or the ability for one parent to be a stay at home caregiver? I hope we are ready. I hope we are good enough.