Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Sometimes Losing is Winning

I hate being bored. Okay, no one probably enjoys boredom. I hate not having anything to do.

I have a list for everything. Lists of chores, of work tasks. And, I include everything on a list. I will include relaxation time and/or activities if I can.

Because of my anal retentive nature I think Sir finds it difficult to give me tasks and chores. At least in a domestic sense. Part of that, I think is that with small children, and both of us working full-time it’s all hands on deck. Occasionally he’ll give me a specific chore that needs done, but that is usually because he is doing something else already. The other part may be because he knows I already know. I have a cleaning list that I made myself. I don’t need to be told that the bathrooms need cleaned.

We tried domestic control with tasks last fall. I had daily, weekly, and monthly tasks on a schedule. I had an application on my phone that was connected to his, so when I checked something off he was notified immediately. It worked for awhile, but we both just lost interest. I would forget to update until the end of the day and he would forget to ask. Tasks wouldn’t get done and there wasn’t follow-through on either of our parts. Motivation crumbled. And considering I often struggle to motivate myself just to get the cleaning done, this did not help.

Sexual or D/s tasks are very different. Tasks or challenges within a scene are generally very hot for both of us. Sir is a big fan of position challenges. Setting me up with all my weight on my clit smashed on a bar. Or holding his towel while he’s in the shower on my tip toes. Some have been successful; some have left me frustrated and upset. Obviously I want to please him, so I take my failures very seriously.

However, it is important for me to remember that often his tasks are set to fail. He wants to see how long I can last or how much I can take. There isn’t a set finish time; it’s just how long I can go. Him watching my struggle is 90% of his enjoyment (I am assuming the 10% is because I’m usually naked).

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Begging for Control

Control is an odd thing for me as far as a kink. I cannot really explain it without sounding really selfish, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that that is okay sometimes.

I love rules and structure. I hate surprises. So knowing exactly what he expects of me is a kind of gooey comfort that I can’t adequately explain.

But the biggest thing about control that drives my kink, is the attention. It seems backward, I know. I guess I should be saying that control is my favorite kink because it’s an opportunity to serve Sir and be what he wants me to be (blah blah blah). The reality is, it’s a totally selfish thing. If he is in control with rules and restrictions, then he has to be paying attention to me. He has to check in with me and he has to be aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like Sir can go adrift in the evenings and not have any idea what I’m doing or what I managed to accomplish during the day. And I’m not looking for validation or ego-stroking with everything I do, a simple understanding of my daily tasks would be huge. If he was setting them and monitoring them, I think that would not only help my motivation, but also my mood.

A lot of self-reflection as I’ve dabbled with submission in all areas of my life has shown me that I want and benefit from control. Being held accountable for my diet, exercise, and work is necessary to see good results. One of the only places that I have noticed that I can motivate and control myself is with my own business. I want to work on that. I want to make it amazing. I know that makes it sound like I don’t care about other stuff, I do. I care if the house is clean and how much exercise I get, but admittedly, it’s not the same kind of gratification I get when something that I created does well. It’s just easier to motivate myself to do something I really love to do.

Control during sex is pretty obvious for me. Holding my hair while I suck cock. Smacking or punch my ass while taking me from behind. Nothing makes me gooey faster than ordering me to kneel, even in the middle of the day. But control in other aspects of my life have quickly taken on more significance. I’m still working to make it less about attention and more about Sir’s benefit. And I’m always curious to see how people use control in their ‘vanilla’ lives. Even if Sir and I cannot have a 24/7 D/s relationship right now, I love trying different control aspects outside the bedroom to see how they fit for us. Hopefully it will help us add things slowly when we do eventually have the time. Until then I will kneel happily at every ‘good girl’ I receive.

Organizational Plan

Yesterday was all about a clean start, literally. I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Every room was scrubbed, vacuumed, and dusted. I even cleaned off the ceiling fans, which, if I’m honest, I’m not sure I’ve ever done before. They were gross. But it felt good to wipe away the dirt and grime. Not just because it makes my body twitch when I see how dirty the boys can make our house in one afternoon. But because I know it’s something that Sir appreciates. With his work hours he comes home tired and looking at a mess when he walks in the door isn’t really helpful. He knows that I have a lot on my plate, and anyone with kids knows that most cleaning is an exercise in futility.

So I was happy to see his smile last night when he got home. I think I was able to show him how much I enjoy my service. I don’t take it for granted. And it really gave me a chance to clear my head and remember what is important. Last night he used me and I wasn’t sure if I would get to cum. And the best part, I didn’t care. I came back to bed as satisfied as if I had an orgasm myself. To be used by him and to hear ‘good girl’, was the most relaxing feeling in the world. It reminded me why I crave this. I want to make him happy that I am his.

So today starts the next step in my organizational plan. I’m going to try and complete one small task each day. Probably not sexy, but something that will show him that I appreciate the chance to serve him and make coming home a little easier. The next few months will be hectic with the renovation and the move, so my daily tasks will help to chip away at that. Packing, sorting, cleaning, hoping every little bit will make a small difference. He’s allowing me to have the kids in daycare and preschool all day so I can be more productive; I don’t want to waste his generous gesture.

In any case, we are both feeling better today. Sir and I talked about some new rules regarding talking to him if I feel that we are getting too distant. Life happens, and I need to be more direct when that starts to get to me. As going forward, bratting (per his definition) will not be tolerated. He has enough to contend with and doesn’t need my poor behavior on top of it.

I’m sorry that my actions upset him, but at the same time, I’m glad we had this hiccup. We were able to work through it and realized a lot about how we deal with situations. We have a way to go, but I think, all in all, we processed it well. Not perfect, but well. These problems will happen from time to time and we’ll need to keep working through them. It was nice to know that we can without falling apart. We both want this enough.  That realization for the both of us was worth the bump in the road.

Barking Children

This week’s Wicked Wednesday topic is revisiting an old blog post. So I went about as old as I could. I found a post back in 2010 called Bad Neighbors. This was when I was blogging about Sir and my’s journey to become parents, long before we found kink and BDSM. But I was writing about my concerns in balancing two dogs with a job and housework. What a difference five years makes.

But this writing is coming back around to me as we are buying our first home. The idea that we would be seen as bad neighbors scares me. We are hoping this will be our forever home. If we make a poor impression to the neighborhood, how do we come back from that? Right now we have one dog, but Sir and I have already talked about getting a puppy. Between a new puppy and the two boys, we could be the terror of the cul-de-sac if we’re not careful. And we want to make friends. We have little kids, so as much as it would great to have a complete circle of kink friends and other parents, it may not happen. We don’t live in a big city. The BDSM community exists, but it’s not large enough to meet all of our needs socially (that’s ok). So having neighbors with children that like us and will keep an eye on our house when we are on vacation would be nice. We want to get involved in our community (BDSM and local), and having a dog that barks all the time may hinder that. Though our current dog is actually pretty mellow, it’s the boys that will ruin us.

I do love how worried I was about becoming a mom. Worried that the balance wouldn’t work. Not sure I’ve figured it out yet, if I’m honest. Two kids, a part-time job, the house; I’m certainly struggling. Getting everything done is usually based on how much coffee I can mainline in the morning. But Sir’s happy with what I can accomplish, so I’m okay with it. And the kids are healthy (the baby is actually in the 90th percentile in every category) and happy. They have tantrums like every other kid, but they aren’t maiming small animals or breaking into the liquor cabinet just yet, so I’m not really worried.

And our current neighbors don’t hate us, so I guess it’s a win. I mow the lawn so it doesn’t look awful and the dog doesn’t terrorize everyone who walks by (just those who come onto the porch). Though the standards might not be as high as they will be in our new neighborhood. The house on our left has been empty and for sale since we moved in last year and our other neighbors are hoarders. But they are hoarders who like us, so….win.

See other bloggers visits to their pasts for this weeks Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday

Too Damn Good

Sir and I have been taking part in Community Support Agriculture (CSA) since we moved to Ohio. For those who don’t have space or time for their own garden, a CSA is a great way to get fresh vegetables and support small farmers. The veg we get are all organic and the amounts are perfect for weekly use and freezing for the winter. It basically forces me to use vegetables in every meal (which I should be doing anyway), and trying new recipes.

Last year I was not prepared for the amount of tomatoes that we would get. Starting in mid-July I brought home at least two bags a week. Sir and I can only eat so much tomato salad. So I start perusing websites and blogs for recipes on freezing and using tomatoes. Especially cherry tomatoes, as we continued to get pint after pint each week. So I found a roasted tomato recipe that I decided I could rework to use the smaller tomatoes. Sir loved it. So this year, as they again began to fill my bags, I loaded up on supplies and started freezing.

I know it’s not very kinky, but this recipe is too good not to share. Consider it my favorite domestic slave tip.

Honestly, you can make this with any type of tomato. I used larger ones just yesterday and they turned out great. But I do like using cherry tomatoes for their size. I usually do a rough chop on the spread when it’s done, but that’s really not necessary. I’ve used this on sandwiches, bruschetta, and wraps. Most often though, Sir and I put a spoonful over our pasta as a rich, flavorful sauce. A little goes a long way, but I couldn’t fault you for wanting more; it’s that good.

Roasted Tomato Spread

imageWash your tomatoes. I usually try and do about two pints of cherry tomatoes per batch. But honestly, you can scale it to however much you have. Cut the tomatoes in half, or in quarters if they are on the larger side (if you use big tomatoes, cut them down into bitesize pieces). Put them in the bowl.

imageAdd minced/grated garlic. I usually do about six cloves per batch (3 per pint). Sir and I really like garlic though, so feel free to scale up or down depending on your preference. Even with six cloves, it won’t overpower the tomato flavor, which is really the star.

imageAdd a pinch of salt and black pepper. Add two or three tablespoons of olive oil.

That’s it. Isn’t that so easy?

Mix the ingredients together. I use my hands, but you can use a spoon, just don’t smash everything up too much.

Pour the tomatoes in a pan and spread them out evenly. I have used a 9×13 glass pan covered in foil (for easy clean-up). I have also used a cookie sheet, so it’s really whatever you have on hand. I do usually cover the pan with foil. I find it makes for very easy cleanup.

imageRoast the tomatoes in a 350 degree oven (180 Celsius/4) for about an hour. I would peak in on them after about forty-five minutes and then every ten minutes or so. I’m looking for most of the liquid to be gone, but you don’t want the tomatoes to burn or get too dry. The spread itself, once it cools, will have a little liquid, but it will be on the thicker side, especially if you give it a rough chop.

image Once it comes out of the oven and cools, you can do just about anything with it. I usually split the batch in half. I will put it in zip lock and freeze it. The ones I froze last year are still good. You can put it in a container in the fridge for about a week. I have some in a rubbermaid that I will pull out for sandwiches and pasta. You can eat it cold, or warm it up in the microwave or on the stove.

It’s just a really versatile recipe that I encourage you to play with and make your own. It’s also really fancy looking for guests and they think it takes a lot more work than it really does. And, as an added bonus, it makes your house smell amazing.