Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Wrong Kind of Right

Sir’s surgery went well.  He seemed to be feeling okay when we got home. I talked with him during dinner about sleeping downstairs on the couch so he could stretch out on the bed, but he assured me that he was fine. After dinner he went upstairs to rest and my mother-in-law and I wrangled children until bedtime. This included a rather pathetic (and I’m sure humorous) attempt at the two of us playing a Wii game with my 4 year-old laughing at our repeated failures. The things we do for our children.

During a spirited game of Trouble a while later I received a text message:

You will sleep on the floor of my bedroom, after performing for me.

I responded with a ‘More than happy to Sir,’ and tried to remain calm as I lost miserably to that same 4 year-old. To say I was excited would be an understatement. After my post on missing the floor and some of the control aspects that came with it, I have continued to reflect on my goals for our continued D/s. This step was huge for him and I was positively gleeful.

As I closed up the downstairs for the night I grabbed an extra comforter for padding, checked all the doors were locked, and headed upstairs. The kids had gone to bed without much fuss. Having Grandma here to help makes a big difference. The dog had already claimed her space near Sir’s closet. She watched me lay out the comforter on the floor on Sir’s side of the bed, then curled up on her own blanket, and was snoring before I turned out the light.

Sir was already in bed, but put his computer away and took his pain meds to help him sleep. He walked around to where I was kneeling on my pallet. Grabbing my hair he thanked me for being such a help today. He appreciated my care and dealing with kids. Releasing me, he told me to lay down. The side light was turned off and he was snoring in almost no time.

I’ll admit I was a little disappointed not to have been able to ‘perform’ in whatever capacity he had intended. But, considering his day, I knew he must have been exhausted. I couldn’t blame him. I lay down on the blanket and tried to sleep.

And tried…and tried…and failed.

First, and probably foremost, the floor was exceedingly uncomfortable. I know you’re thinking, ‘Duh Rye, what did you expect?’. But I was honestly surprised. Our other home had incredibly comfortable floors. And I can’t believe that it was made all that different simply by the carpet pad and carpet. The other possibility is that the comforter I chose for padding was bad. Previously, I think I had used one of our thicker duvets, which probably would have provided more of a barrier between me and the hardwood.

No matter which way I turned I couldn’t get comfortable. My hips hurt when I lay on my side. My back ached when I tried to lay on my back. I tried to think of it as hurting for him, but that didn’t seem to make any difference.

Then, of course, there was everything going on in my head. Everything that needs to get done today and how crazy our schedule it. I am taking one child to school this morning. The toddler has a doctor appointment, so I will come back and get him for that. Then he will get dropped off at school and I will go to work. Then Grandma is picking them up from school and taking them to her house for the weekend. When I get off work I am coming home to check on Sir and then driving to my parents house for one night, maybe two, to help them move. And my over-active worry brain wanted to have every second of that mess planned out before it let me sleep.

Finally, I realized that while I could hardly hush my brain, I could attempt to make myself more comfortable. It would just require me to do something I really didn’t want to do. I had to wake up Sir. It took me probably whispering his name five or ten times before I raised my voice enough to rouse him. I asked if I could please crawl into his bed with him. He shifted over and I climbed up. Curling his arm around my stomach he pulled me into him and began snoring again. I was glad I hadn’t woken him for too long.

So, now comfortable, I focused on trying to quiet my maniacal brain. However, now I had something else to chew on. After writing and talking about wanting more control and how much I had missed sleeping on the floor for him, I couldn’t even make it through one night. Laying awake for five hours on the floor didn’t count. All I have talked about with him in regards to our D/s was how much more control I craved. More restriction, more oversight. And the first time he offers me a carrot I spit it back out at him.

I am just bummed that it didn’t go better. If could’ve slept and showed him how much I appreciated his gesture maybe it could become a more regular occurrence. And I don’t think that this necessarily negates that option, but I know he will think hard before doing it again. The idea of me not sleeping, even in my happy place, isn’t pleasant for him. In order to keep his house moving and everyone happy, I need sleep. He knows this. Hopefully next time I will remember to try another mat and hopefully that will change the comfort level enough to fall asleep. Not having such a crazy day before and further hectic day ahead may make a difference as well. Though my brain is not one for being predictable; even for me.

I laid in his bed for another half hour or so before just getting up. I’m currently writing this from the couch downstairs. I may try to get some more sleep down here, but most likely will try and clean the kitchen or something else productive. When life gives you lemons and all that.

Switcheroo

What would I do if Sir and I switched roles? I complain a lot about what he is or isn’t doing. About how I’m not feeling the control and other general whining. What would happen if I was responsible for him?

Well first, I would orgasm a lot more. I guess that is obvious though. My sex drive would definitely be the focus of his service. Being realistic about domestic chores would be necessary. His work schedule doesn’t allow for him to be in charge of all the cleaning and cooking. But I may add a few cleaning routines to the weekend. And the occasional foot rub.

But Rye, you say, what about supporting him and his general improvement? Don’t worry, I’m getting there. I think we would both go on a diet and exercise plan. I know that I cook now, but I don’t want to cook seperate things for each of us and the kids. And having someone to exercise with me would help both of us. I know he isn’t as focused on his weight as I am, but I think it would be proactive to get into an exercise routine. I would also consider adding a writing requirement for him. He does write out his feelings well and I think it would help me gauge how he is doing.

All in all I can talk a big talk. It’s easy to write about all the things I would do as a dominant, but that doesn’t mean it would manifest itself that way. I’m sure I would mess it up somehow. I read a lot of blogs about FLMs (Female Led Marriages) that seem so easy and wonderful. And I’m sure there would be a pretty big learning curve with the strap-on too. I could never get the vibrator lined up with my clit when we played with it before. I would probably just have to forego my own pleasure and just focus on the control over him.

Thanks for indulging my mind wandering. Don’t worry, this masochist sub is not switching sides any time soon. And I’m not sure Sir could put up with more than a day of taking orders from me. He wouldn’t mind all the oral though. That Dom sure loves his pussy.

Haves vs. Have Nots

The twitter boyfriend and I were talking about mindsets yesterday after my post. We are both submissives and sometimes we struggle to understand why dominant personalities do the things they do. Trying to understand their choices and motivations arouse me as much as they confuse me.

Twitter boyfriend saw Sir’s actions as wasting an opportunity. Why would he masturbate when a willing slave was right there? The only answer I had in the moment was that he understood that I was tired. But obviously he intended me to be awake when he came, so was my tiredness really a factor?

This led to a discussion of abundance. When you are a dominant, you have the control. You get to decide when, where, and how to experience your pleasure. Submissives take what is given. So I understand that he would see it as a missed chance. When you rarely get to have sex in general, much less come, I could see how making my back gooey wouldn’t be appealing. But from a dominant’s perspective, it was just what he was feeling at that moment. And when you have the option to wake your sub up in the middle of the night for oral or a rough fuck, you don’t have to question your desires. It’s that control of knowing when your next orgasm will be because you can order it whenever you want.

A submissive, even if orgasm control isn’t a kink, usually can’t guarantee their next release. When you don’t get to come very often, or even just as often as you’d like, it is hard not to be jealous of those who do. But that comes with the territory of being a sub. And I know that Sir likes to know that I am in a near constant state of horniness. I think that is why he doesn’t mind if I flirt with others online as it keeps me ready for his use whenever he pleases.

The moral of the story is: you should be a dominant and then you can have sex whenever, however you want. Including spraying cum all over your sub’s back and rubbing her camisole in it while she tries to sleep.

The biggest smile

I can’t describe my smile right now. My mouth hurts. It’s like I’ve been facefucked.

The husband and I met for lunch. The last few days have been a little overly emotional. We’ve chatted about how we were committed to each other and where our D/s has taken us. The realization that I was happy was a big one. I’ve changed so much through our time in this house. I’ve become stronger, especially in the last few months, and he doesn’t want me to lose that.

But we sorted through a lot. We are starting small, but I have hope. Hope that we can be as happy as we were. Letting that connection run through us and keep me going throughout the day.

I was practically jumping up and down in the car on the way home. And when I got here, I had another reason to smile waiting for me.

Subject: Instructions

Rye,

You said you would send me pictures of your orgasms. I don’t want pictures. I want video.
Specifically, I want you to get the good camera, set up on the tripod, with the AC cable plugged into the wall. I want you in the guest room and the camera set up roughly opposite the long side of the bed. I want you to get the lamp from out in the hallway and I want you to try to light the room. I want you to get the doxy and a dildo and I want you to fuck yourself nice and hard. Maybe put clothespins on your nipples or slap your ass. I want you to have fun. I want to see you having fun. I want you to look into the camera and talk to me and tell me how much you like putting on a slut show for me. I don’t care how many orgasms you have. I just want you to have fun being a slut.
I want to watch the video with you, tonight.
I love you, Rye.
This day is full of smiles. Maybe he’ll even let me post my slutty video for you all. I have my Sir back.

Just so you know…

I am a submissive. It says so in my twitter bio. I will happily admit that I like to be complimented and flirted with. I will occasionally post pictures of my pussy, tits, and myself in various states of undress, just like I do on here. I’m an exhibitionist. I am proud of that fact.

And, if you want to chat with me and flirt or send me photos of yourself I will be flattered. Thanks. However…and this is a big however, I’m not leaving my husband for you. I probably won’t even masturbate to your pictures. If you contact me with your stats and think I will drop everything to tell you how big your cock is, you just might be delusional. I have two kids, a dog, and a house to take care of. I hardly get to go to the bathroom alone, what makes you think I have hours to tell you how wet you make me?

Look, if you talk to me like a person, I will chat with you. I have several friends and other bloggers on twitter than I keep in contact with. A select few that I will actually masturbate to their generous photo offerings. But that is after a friendship has been established. I don’t lie on twitter, believe it or not, so don’t expect me to pander to you either. If you’re a 17 year old pretending to be 38 and just the Dom for me, you will have your bubble burst my friend.

And certainly don’t think that my husband isn’t allowed to read my DMs. He laughs at your dick pics, just so you know. I don’t lie to him. And you can ask all you want, he’s not going to let me play with you. If he ever feels comfortable letting me be topped by anyone else, it’s going to take a lot more of a vetting process than checking out your penis. He will always have final say. He’s the father of my children. We have a bit more of a connection than you telling me how big and luscious my tits are (not that I don’t appreciate it).

I love talking to people. I don’t want this to be a discouragement for anyone to talk to me on twitter, on here, or should you see me on the street. This is just a statement of fact. That even though I’m an exhibitionist and sub, that doesn’t mean I kneel for just anyone. It’s going to take a bit more than flattery for that to change.

Moving Forward

He lied. He lied to himself as well, but that doesn’t really change things; it just makes it harder to be truly angry with him.

He doesn’t want BDSM. Or D/s. He’s up for kinky sex, but that’s it. No power exchange, no domination. He tried to do it for me, because he wanted me to be happy. How can I be mad at him? I mean, I’m upset at him for lying. It hurt a lot that the last several years weren’t happy for him. It made my submission feel fake. He was trying to feel what I felt. Trying to get that complete feeling that I get when I submit. But he couldn’t force it, and just drove him to want to walk away from sex completely so he didn’t have to deal with it.

And now I don’t know where to go. Yesterday I was ready to close down the blog, disable my twitter account, everything. It seemed more harmful to try and continue feeling this part of myself that I couldn’t experience. And that hurt. It was scary. I love reading the sexy blogs and experiences of others; the writing and feelings that this community brings to the table is inspiring. I don’t want to lose that. So it was a tough time. But how could I continue to write on here about being collared when I’m not? How could I hope to write a sex blog when I felt so incomplete. So lost.

The idea of never being a slave is odd. An interesting split of dissappointment and relief. Not an even split, but are you really surprised. I struggled a lot yesterday with what losing my submission would mean to me. I mean, I’m still a submissive, nothing can change that. But will I feel like a piece of me is missing, or gone? Will I feel empty?

But he came home from work last night and we talked. (I don’t know what to call him since he’s not Sir anymore.) We talked about stopping everything outside the bedroom. Any kink in the bedroom would be limited to sex only. Control is something he can’t even fake right now. And I don’t want to submit into something like that. 

I have decided to keep writing for me. I am hoping that you keep reading for both of us. Hopefully still writing about great sex. But also my work to balance my largely vanilla life with my need to submit. I actually feel good about it. The husband feels bad enough about not really being able to Dominate me, he doesn’t want me to give this up. And honestly, I don’t want to either.

We did reach a good place last night. It’s not perfect, but marriage isn’t about getting everything that you want. And I want him as he is, so we’ll make it work.

The sex toys are staying put. He enjoys the kinky sex and wants to try and continue working D/s in our sex life. So, pictures, spankings, and some bondage may remain. It’s the control outside our bed that he has no interest in. He admitted that he needs me to handle the house without his oversight as he sets up his business. He doesn’t want rules or protocols or punishments. He doesn’t get anything out of tracking my every move. And that’s hard. I really feed on the control aspect of D/s. But maybe after things get settled with the move and the business that could change. I just need to prepare myself for the maybe not.

Last night, after a lot of talking, we had make-up sex. And not just any ‘regular old fight’ make-up sex. I was trying to show him that I still loved him, even if he wasn’t my Master or my Dom. And he was trying to show me that our lives were going to be anything like vanilla. I got to have a little make-up sex with myself to let go of the day. He watched and enjoyed. Then we took the time to enjoy each other. Usually our D/s scenes were rushed and predictable. Something that should have been a tip off to me that he wasn’t really that into it. No offense to him, he’s a blow job type of guy (and who can blame him, I do good work). But this was more fluid. There was a lot of fun kink, multiple orgasms, it was good.

So today looks better. It’s going to be different. I still hurt. I wish he had been honest with me from the beginning, but I can hardly fault him when he wasn’t being honest with himself. I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but here we are. Those three years helped me learn about myself. And now, even if it can’t be 24/7, I know that I don’t want to live without submission in my life. I just have to make it fit into my life. I’m nothing if not a lover of a challenge.

 

A whole new set of fears

I don’t know how to be a dominant. I am organized and I have high expectations, but that doesn’t translate to a FLM. I think it will be a lot harder for me to make a dominant headspace work. But I want to do what I can to help him focus on his career right now. But, in that same vein, how do I do that? Can I tell him to help me with housework? Or to buy me a gift just because I want to be spoiled?

The idea of this switch set up is to help both of us stay focused. Helping me to process my sexual energy better. Maybe I’ll masturbate on Skype and make him watch. But that won’t be being very supportive of his workload.

We have been using my organizational strengths as part of my slave responsibilities. I pay the bills and manage our budget, but I would still need to ask for permission to spend. So, turning that around for half the day could be confusing. It’s possible that some things may have to stay in a sub headspace. So I have already started to think about how I can compartmentalize these two frames of mind. As well as my job, the kids, and the renovation.

I don’t want to screw this up. I want to give it my full attention and focus. I have my reservations about my own abilities, but I need to show him that I’m serious about wanting to make things work. And if that means not getting to be a slave 24/7, then I can live with that. Honestly, if I can do this, then I believe that it will make my time as a submissive better. More fulfilling as I will helping him to be as satisfied as I am. I just want him to be happy. And I’m worried that I will ruin it.

He wants me to think about a name for myself. His organizer. It doesn’t have to be a dominant name. But I will run his life during the day so he can run mine at night. Not sure of a good name for that. Miss Secretary doesn’t quite sound fun enough. Mistress sounds too formal. And Rye puts me in my slave headspace, so I want to stay far away from that. I will take suggestions.

Techniques to Self-Domination

Don’t you love how the title of my post makes it seem like I know what I’m talking about. Please don’t be fooled; I’m just reaching in the dark here.

It’s amazing to me how many realizations I have when I just talk out loud. Thinking about things in my head usually sends me in circles and it’s not until I have to explain it or clarify something that I usually reach a startling conclusion. So, with that in mind I was talking to Sir on the drive down to the new house on Saturday. We were talking about those things that make us feel complete. And I realized, as we chatted, that submission does that for me. That moment when I kneel at his feet and look up into his eyes, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be.

But reality is a crappy mistress. Even more so than my sadist husband most of the time. And I have to learn to deal with that. But it’s hard when you know where you’re supposed to be. What you’re supposed to be doing. But you can’t get there. There is a line of obstacles and responsibilities that lie in your way. And I hate the idea that I look at my children as a burden that keeps me from my true purpose. However, I gave up on the mom of the year award a long time ago. And I love them, so as far as responsibilities go, it’s not so tragic.

So I need to figure out where to go from here. I can’t wait for those odd moments to make me happy. I need to make them for myself. But how? How do I give myself what I need? Isn’t that a crazy question. Shouldn’t I be able to quickly come up with a solution?

Maybe I can find a way to be my own dominant. Make my own rules. The only problem is when I get into a spiral of punishing myself. A slippery slope that I’ve gotten into before. But I can’t quit trying. I have to hold myself to a standard rather than just expecting Sir to do it for me. I guess a good submissive should be able to take care of themselves. And I can. Maybe I just don’t want to. I want him to take care of me, so I fight against taking care of myself.

A week of family and comfort food seems like a good place to reorient my thinking. Maybe coming up with my own tips to help me take on my own inadequacies. Find the dominant inside to make myself complete, all by myself.

Fix Me

“When we start in a D/s relationship we invite intervention, in fact we seek it out. We want to find the love and connection again, we want to be fixed, we expect them to fix us.” -Twitter Boyfriend

We were talking about my post from yesterday and this was part of his response to my feelings. It made so much sense. And I’m sure that this isn’t the way it works for everyone, but apparently there are some people in the world with self-confidence. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people. And I think I expected that D/s would magically give that to me. Like the collar would create self-worth for me somehow.

In some ways it did. Being his in this new dynamic made me feel worth it. I have been more secure in our relationship and our marriage than I ever did when we were vanilla. And I think I find myself taking it one step too far. I start finding other parts of my personality that I keep looking for him to improve. Rather than working on myself, I’m just sort of dumping all the negative aspects of myself into his lap. And he’s not interested in it. His desire to control isn’t about nitpicking specific faults. Most of the things that bother me about myself he doesn’t care about anyway. While he is encouraging me to get healthy, he doesn’t care about my weight. He has expectations that have nothing to do fixing me and everything to do with serving him.

By looking for him to ‘improve’ me, I’m making it about me. And the reality is that that’s kind of the opposite of what M/s is (just in case you were wondering). It should be all about him.

I just need to take a chill pill. My father always said that. I just need to relax and let him lead. It’s like I want him to lead a dance that I’ve choreographed, so I know all the steps and I keep telling him when he makes a wrong move. Not a good slave plan.

I’ll just focus on him and I’m sure he will let me know if I need to change anything in my behavior. Likewise, I have faith that he will provide motivation and instruction on how to fix those faults. If you’re curious, ‘motivation’ is what I call this pinch and lift thing he does to my nipples.