Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Boss Dom

Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.

She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.

However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.

This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.

The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.

So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.

This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.

Define Your Kink: Day 5

#5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different?

Sorry for such a long gap between #4 and #5. I’ve sort of been avoiding answering this question. I considered skipping over it and coming back, but that would be a cop-out to the process. I think it’s just the reality of my answer.

I have been in three D/s dynamics. Two one day experiences that were negative for very different reasons, and one long-term. Each taught me something in their own way, but for a variety of reasons none of them worked. That’s a hard thing to admit, that I haven’t been successful. And it’s easy for me to say that as I was the only common denominator in these experiences that I must be the problem. This isn’t the case, there were all sorts of factors. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into that self-destructive trap though.

Twitter Guy

When my husband and I were considering opening things up to others, I started chatting with several Doms online. Mostly in a friendly context to learn about their relationships and how they structure their rules. There was often flirting, and there were a few conversations about taking it further. The only one of those conversations that didn’t fizzle out was a gentleman who also lived here in Ohio. The idea of having another Dominant close by was very enticing. We chatted a lot and seem to have similar kinks and boundaries.

Then one day we decided to try and online scene. I sent him a few pictures and was even punished for forgeting a ‘Yes, Sir’ in a response. After the interaction we were talking and he told me not to tell my husband about it. The moment killed any good feelings I had. I told my husband and stopped talking with the Dom. It was difficult as I felt horrible. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy.

May Visit

Once we got settled in the new house, I started reaching out to try and find local Doms. We had made friends with a few couples on Fetlife, but each of us had branched out to locate individual partners. I started talking with a Dom about a few kinks and the possibility of getting together. He wanted a regular sub and respected my husband’s boundaries, which was nice. I should have listened to my intuition regarding the fact that we had little in common outside of BDSM. None of my vanilla relationships have worked when we didn’t have anything in common; I should have realized that D/s would be the same.

In May of 2016 he came over to the house. It wasn’t a great memory, but I did learn a lot about my limits. I haven’t been with another Dom since. Trust is so vital to what I am looking for in a Dom, I’ll never jump into that dynamic again.

Husband, Father, Friend (too many posts to link)

My husband and I have been through a lot together. Ten years of graduations (four in total), moves (six of those), and two crazy kids. He jumped right in when I discovered I am kinky and gave it 100%. I really appreciate his effort in trying to be what he thought I wanted. But, as a submissive, pleasing my partner was about what they wanted, not what they were doing for me. There was always this feeling of me forcing him to do things and never being able to relax in the moment. I was always worried that he was unhappy and unsatisfied. We were both trying so hard to make the other happy that neither of us were.

As difficult as this has been to lose our D/s, it has helped us communicate. We talk more openly and honestly than we ever did before BDSM. And while loosing my collar was painful, at least I’m not worried about ruining my marriage.

At this point is just figuring out how to move forward. I have a Dominant friend that currently chat with on Twitter. He’s the only Dom that I’ve felt comfortable with since my last negative online experience. He’s not local, so I’m not sure what it could ever be. Maybe a few visits a year, like Jack in California. Not sure I could handle two long-distance relationships emotionally, but we’ll see what happens. I do know that D/s in some form needs to be part of my life.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Right Kind of Wrong

Scotland sign indicating handicapped carriage.
When you need clear directions on what’s ahead.

Do you ever feel like you are doing it all wrong? Like there was class you missed and no one will share their notes? I actually feel that way about life most of the time, but right now I specifically referring to BDSM.

I know there isn’t ‘one right way’. Kinky relationships and encounters are a constant recipe change of add a bit more salt or turning the oven up for the last ten minutes. Little changes can have an enormous impact on the entire dynamic and have to be made with care. But Sir and I don’t have the luxury of small changes over a long period of time. Between the kids, the two businesses, and the upcoming move, we are lucky to get a chance to play at all. We try to talk about scenes, but changes in our dynamic are sporadic at best. It just feels like everyone else got the memo on how to do this, but our emails both crashed that day, apparently.

The hardest part is that I think we know what we want, and even better, those wants aren’t that disparate. But as much as I crave something closer to 24/7 and even though he’s game for that, we can’t seem to make it work. I feel like I’ve already given up control, it just wasn’t willingly, and numerous people have a piece of it, including the dog. Even trying to incorporate small acts of D/s outside the bedroom has had to compete with other priorities. Because work and the boys refuse to share their time, our personal time (limited though it may be), is usually the first thing offered up for more play opportunities. And I can’t judge Sir for wanting to keep that time. He works hard and those relaxing moments alone are rare enough as it is.

Maybe it is just the general stress of life right now. A lot of things seem to be prefaced with, “once we’re settled in the new place,” and maybe our D/s routine will have to be one of them. I just can’t help but think that there must be an easier way. Maybe not easier, I do want to work through to find the right path for us; I’m not trying to skip the work. I guess I just read these blogs about the D/s relationship once it’s established. There may be some tiny bumps and a fight or two, but the foundation is there. Sir and I love each other and our marriage is solid, but this new layer keeps tripping us up as it wasn’t there from the beginning. And I have been surprised at how tricky the process has been to alter some of our older understandings.

I think that I would love for this testing phase of the dynamic to be over. It would be lovely to move into the new house with our relationship solidified. Because, even once we move there will be stressors pulling on our time. And I am more that a little bit ready to have one of those ‘boring’ kinky dynamics everyone talks about. Growing old as Sir and Rye with my daily bondage wear and successful play parties with all our kinky neighborhood friends. What more could a slave ask for?

Even with those lofty goals, I will try and keep perspective and appreciate the journey. I guess if there is no ‘right way’ then our trial and error cannot be too wrong. And I guess steps forward, however small, are still moving in the right direction.

You guys would tell me if we were making a complete mess of it though, right?

Please Fuck Me Sir

I am a needy girl. Not sure where that came from. Maybe vanilla sex just wasn’t worth begging for. Sex now is a totally different ball game. Sir doesn’t seem to mind his insatiable sub, but sometimes I feel guilty about it. He gives me everything. It is the classic BDSM line though, he gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want.

That is not to say that he is mean, well, not too mean. I don’t need the hours of sleep that he does. And, as much as I complain it about it, I get to wear sweat pants around the house all day with the kids; he has to put on a suit and go to work. So it’s not really fair that I want to stay up half the night and play. But once he gets me worked up, I just keep going. It’s not a stamina thing, I just get into this groove where orgasms come easier and I just roll into this subspace of sorts. I’m still cognizant, I can still talk, mostly. I can see the change in his face when he slips into too tired. There’s a moment when the evening changes from being for him to being for me and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I love that he takes care of me in that selfless way. But should he? It feels good at the time, obviously, but afterward I feel like the crappy submissive. Should I really be begging for what I want; shouldn’t I just be happy with whatever he decides to give me. Then, just to make this more convoluted in my head, is he granting my request because I begged nicely, or because he wants to?

I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth, aren’t I? I’ll shut up before he changes his mind.