Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Celibacy Sucks

My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. He fingered me a few weeks ago. I gave him a blow job and a hand job last weekend. Yesterday he rubbed my thigh. This is the extent of the physical interaction we’ve had lately.

I’m trying to take a step back and keep perspective. Sex isn’t everything. He and I get along great and enjoy spending time together. I wish that was enough.

It’s not like this was a sudden thing. He has been losing interest in me sexually since I was pregnant with our second child. Ever since then he hasn’t really want to initiate sex. And now he says that it’s because I always seemed disappointed in sex. Like he was never good enough. But that’s an oversimplification. His desire of me began fading a long time ago. And his refusal to take responsibility for his part in this is probably what bothers me the most.

His ‘explanation’ makes my submission the root of the problem. But it’s not actually the issue. My submission merely explains my need for attention and my dislike of asking for sex. I don’t even feel like my personality has even changed, it only makes more sense to me. My sex drive has increased, but I’ve also tried really hard not to pressure him with that.

Obviously this is all from my perspective. But I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to make him more comfortable. I’ve worked to seduce him. I have purchased gifts, preformed acts of service, even worked to ignore all my needs to put his first. And I thought if I could just do that until he was out of his funk, that things would become better. But it hasn’t worked.

He’s still so distant from me and I’ve pushed down so much of myself. I tried to masturbate the other day and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on enough to get anywhere. It was soul-crushing.

Needless to say I don’t think celibacy is for me. Though I’m not sure I have much control over it.

****

I wrote the above yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I went upstairs to try and masturbate. My husband came up and fucked me with a dildo while I rode the Doxy. It was amazing. It’s this type of thing that keeps me in constant confusion. But at the same time, if opposite day is going to work with my post drafts then prepare to be inundated.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.

Poly Hotel Guide

What to look for when you are meeting up with your lover at a hotel for a few days:

As Jack and I have planned this his visit I actually considered quite a few things when determining what local hotel to use. We decided for space and comfort reasons that we would stay at the hotel and then visit the house during the day. That way there wouldn’t be pressure for any threesome activities if Sir wasn’t up for it. And we don’t have to wash the sheets, so bonus. He’s flying in to an airport around an hour away, so we wanted to stay there rather than finding a hotel around my house. For privacy reasons, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep my hands off him that long.

  1. Room service. Our hotel doesn’t actually have this amenity, but it is one that I would generally recommend. Jack and I are trying to force ourselves to get out a bit. Without the possibility of food being delivered straight to room we will have to get dressed at some point. We’ve talked about a honest to goodness date. This may degrade down into a drive through so we can get back to the room faster, but I’m holding out hope. I have nicer clothes (i.e. clean pants that are sweats) packed just in case. If your goal is to stay naked as much as possible, room service is a must.
  2. Free Wifi. Not that we plan on spending too much time on our phones, but internet access is pretty crucial. There are the obvious twitter updates and photos to share. It’s also nice as sometimes #4 isn’t an option and finding your own is necessary.
  3. Late check-out. This is pretty obvious and I’m not honestly sure what ‘early’ check-out is anymore. No one wants to be rushed out on their last day of vacation. Especially as I will have to drive Jack to the airport and say goodbye until who knows when. The longer we can stay cuddled in bed the better.
  4. Porn. I have written about porn in hotels before. Most don’t have it for purchase anymore, which is sad. I am a huge fan of porn as entertainment or background noise. Jack and I are bring some and can always download more though. And, not having porn is always a good excuse to create some of your own. 🙂
  5. Local sights  Nope, 1-4 pretty much covers it.

Needless to say I’m looking forward to some fun this weekend. We are also hoping to visit my house and small town for some lunch and maybe some time with Sir. Some board games and beer could be a nice break from all those orgasms.

When Excitement Becomes a Problem

I leave for vacation in less than a week. Bright and early (very early) on Tuesday morning I will be driving to the airport for my flight and six days in California. I am beyond simple excitement. At this point the reasons why should be obvious.

The first two days will be with a couple that I have never met before. I have followed their blog for years and starting chatting with them on twitter in the last several months. This poly pair is lovely and I am thrilled that they are willing to host me for a few days. The gentleman and I have had numerous twitter exchanges and I have been shocked at how much we have in common. We even have the same birthday. Our flirting, fantasies, and mutual masturbation sessions have only increased my excitement for next week.

Also, after I leave my sure to be new lovers/friends, I am taking a train down to visit my cousin for a few days in Los Angeles. She attempted suicide this spring and our family has been trying to visit her as often as possible. I was determined to make the money work so I could go and spend a few days when she was off work. We always have a good time and our six-year age difference is nothing. We are planning to get matching tattoos while I am there and she is going to show me around the city. She has been good about talking. Sir and I have both shared our experiences and continuing battles with depression, which I think have helped.

In any case, next week should be an amazing experience as my first trip to the west coast, my first vacation as a mom without my kids, and probably several sexual firsts. This has, surprisingly, started to have a negative effect though. I am so excited I just want to be there. Work is boring and dull. The boys drive me crazy with great speed. I’m not sleeping that well (though I’m not positive that’s connected).

I started a packing list last night to try and calm myself down. It didn’t really work. I’m afraid if I get the suitcase and start to pack it that I’ll just drive up to the airport tomorrow morning rather than going to work and just go.

That sounds so horrible. What kind of sub/wife/mother does that make me? I think it’s just the craving for the chance to read my book. And the hot sex (though I thought it was obvious).

Threesome Etiquette

So you know that nervousness when you are going to go on a date? Even if you knew the person in some other capacity beforehand. Somehow the transition of your relationship with the official status of ‘date’ changes things. That is how I am starting to feel about my upcoming California trip.

We have been chatting for a long time. Sharing pictures and stories of our jobs and families. It’s crazy to me how much sexual tension can be generated through our text conversations. We have a lot in common, and I think that has helped our sexual attraction to grow.

I wasn’t nervous when I bought the plane tickets. And I was fine when I confirmed everything with him that he and his wife have child care sorted out. Yesterday was three weeks until I fly out and my cousin texted to say that she and her roommate had bought a new couch at Ikea, so I would have somewhere to sleep when I visited her. I am heading to her place in L.A. for the last two days of my trip.

It was the conversation about the couch. My brain immediately went into a panic about where I was going to sleep while in their home. What is proper manners where a threesome is concerned? Should I assume that I will be in bed with them, or is that too forward? If I am in bed with them, what is the least intrusive position? Should I plan for the couch and go with the flow? Should I take pajamas?

I’m just nervous that I will say or do something wrong and one or both of them will be upset with me. Then what? I’m planning to stay with them for two days. What if my first threesome freaks me out and I turn into an emotional mess? So an upset submissive or a pissed off couple, not sure is worse there.

I don’t know what I’m really that worried about. We have similar opinions on religion and politics. We both have kids and blogs. I’m not worried that he is going to sit me down and try to get to me to go ‘be saved’ or something (no judgment if that’s your thing, but just leave me to my sinful life, trust me, I’m happier here).

Maybe this is just a standard reaction. Maybe I am over thinking things. Perhaps this is just my brains last test to make sure I really want to do this. And I really really do. So this last piece of the puzzle can just fall into place.

And who am I kidding, this nervous excited feeling makes me feel young. Feeling young will help my back if I end up having to sleep on the couch.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Boundin’ Rebound

I am currently in the middle of a low dip. I’m almost out of it, but not fast enough, obviously. Great things seem like flukes and bad things feel like the routine.

I am trying to slow down. Work is going well. My co-workers are nice (most of them) and appreciative of my work. My boss is already talking about promotion and ways she can bring me on to various special projects. It feels good. And I need to focus on that good stuff more.

I just get bogged down too easily. Getting frustrated that I am not losing weight fast enough. Getting confused with what our D/s is or isn’t (as the case may be).

I think I just keep trying to define myself as a submissive first. My collar is the first thing I reach for whenever anyone asks about me. Subconsciously it is the first place my mind goes. Even in vanilla discussions I play with it as I answer questions to feel comforted by it’s weight around my neck. But maybe that’s not a great plan. Maybe the weight of it is holding me in place. Maybe I need to be other things first. And perhaps Sir just needs to be my husband for awhile. The labels seem to be creating more stress than pleasure lately. And I’m not even sure I know what they mean.

I consider myself a submissive because I enjoy being dominated. Not just in bed, but in my life. It makes me feel cherished and loved. I always feel like I have to be in control and on top of everything, having someone else take that on sounds so freeing. The idea of being someone’s spoiled pet is a dream. But it also seems highly unrealistic with the requirements of a job and family. The real world isn’t full of billionaires who want to give us an Audi and track our every move.

So this fantasy world I’ve created in my head is doing more harm than good trying to achieve it. I keep digging my own hole with crazy expectations. Rather, I could just accept that being submissive is part of my identity and let it go at that. Don’t force it into something. Just let that be it for awhile. Enjoy the lovely kinky sex when it happens and not freak out when it doesn’t. Maybe that would give Sir the chance to see what his sadism and dominance means to him. When he doesn’t have to fit into my checklist and he can create his own. What type of sadist would be then?

I know a lot of this is easier said than done. The horny will continue to remain. But control outside the bedroom hasn’t been a part of our relationship for a while, so it’s not like I’m losing anything I had.

*One billion bonus points if you get the title reference. You don’t have to admit it if you won’t want to announce your goober status. Just know that I love you for it*

Control Queen

Sometimes I think I crave control so someone else will be responsible for punishing me. I beat myself up. A lot, according to Sir. So the idea that that would be someone else’s job sounds appealing.

The fantasy versus reality of that is what is difficult. Because I hold myself to such a high standard I am often hard on myself. Guilt and self-depreciation are common when I make a mistake. Sir blames my mother for this. I struggle with that as I am almost thirty-one and should have gotten over it by now. I can hardly blame her for everything forever.

However, because I am usually hard on myself, I expect Sir to be also. And those expectations cause problems. When he ‘let’s me off the hook’, or doesn’t come down on me for a mistake I get confused. My head gets mixed signals saying that he doesn’t care enough to punish me or I somehow got away with something I shouldn’t have. Then guilt starts that I shouldn’t question his decisions. I start to wonder if he really wants this responsibility. Am I asking too much? Does asking at all make me less submissive in some way?

The more I reflect on control in general I find myself getting confused. On the one hand, I think I need a very firm hand. Someone to hold me to a high standard and punish/correct the smallest mistake. On the other hand, I always try my best. So a harsh dynamic may just beat me down. Basically taking my self-deprecation and handing it to someone else. Which probably isn’t healthy and definitely would not be fun.

Maybe I need to consider becoming more specific with my desires. In general and with Sir. Maybe Sir and I could work on more strict control during scenes? Harsher punishments and more difficult tasks to complete. Then, in our vanilla lives, less control as part of the dynamic. At least for now. Sir doesn’t know if 24/7 is ever going to be back on the table anyway. So focusing on control in that sense is just a recipe for disaster.

I think I’ve just been so focused on everything else lately that control and my many desires around it have been put on hold. It’s always the first thing to go as stuff often just needs to get done. Pulling up my vanilla big-girl panties and sorting it out just happens. And then Sir being upset at the aftermath of beating myself up usually can’t be helped. Then I just feel worse. Spiraling into a bad mood that I’ve put myself in.

Maybe I just want someone else to blame.

#subfail #justanotherthursday

Slippery Slope

We’ve been trying a D/s dynamic again for hardly four days and I am already mind-fucking myself. Don’t get me wrong, when he does it, it’s hot. But when I do it to myself, it just sucks.

We had an amazing Saturday. An great start to the day with shower together and some afternoon play while the kid’s napped. It was so rejuvenating after an emotional week.

Then Sunday started slow. He had work to do, so he was upstairs for awhile. I had a cleaning list, which I interspersed with my trashy novel and my coffee. We were both productive and the day went fast. But late in the afternoon I found myself getting down. I was a little sad that we hadn’t had any time to play. I think I was just craving an orgasm after a mini withdrawal. I was feeling a little ignored.

After our break, I thought getting back into any form of power exchange would be easy. But last time we were attempting 24/7, this time we are basically just in the bedroom. So I know I shouldn’t be expecting anything throughout the day, but you know me and my stupidity when it comes to expectations. I hate that I am already looking for more control. We haven’t even been going a week. I think this is just one of those things that I need to talk to him about so it doesn’t become an issue again. I cannot self-sabotage.

A lot of reflection and learning from the past. Starting February back in my kinky comfort zone. Just trying to keep perspective and a positive attitude. So I need to give it a chance to evolve and actually let him lead. I never realized how needy I was. Give me an inch and I want a mile.

****

This is from back in the winter of this year. I didn’t edit it or anything. It’s just crazy to think about how much my perspective has changed and yet stayed the same. I still want control, and I’m still needy. But Sir and I have come along way from this. We are talking more and trying to stay realistic with how often we can play. Especially now with me working, a good fuck in the laundry room is amazing.

With a little luck things will keep clicking into place. Maybe we’ll even find a kinky, foodie, board game playing, video game loving friend with benefits who lives close. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming.

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Stress, lack of sleep, and your own stupidity can lead to not so smart decisions. I will be the first to admit that I have done things without considering how wrong it can really go. And testing that theory seems to be my new M.O.

So as part of not thinking things through and trying to work out the easy solution, I stopped taking my medicine. The medicine is for depression, I’m not on any anti-psychotics or something really serious. But that may be part of my problem. Maybe I don’t take them seriously enough.

Looking back, I’m not even sure how I justified it to myself to just stop cold turkey. Mostly that I didn’t think they were helping. Over the last few weeks I have had several breakdowns. I kept blaming the meds; I don’t know why. But just stopping them seemed like the right idea at the time. I made it around five days. I didn’t call my doctor, I didn’t tell Sir. Both pretty big rule breaks for me. Obviously the justification to just stop the medicine was the same as it being okay not to discuss it with Sir first.

The conversation earlier this week and subsequent sexless night just pushed everything over. I started the morning randomly crying at something pointless (laundry or spilled coffee). So finally I realized that I’m a numb-skull. That stopping my meds was not a solution. As much as I pretend to know my body, I don’t know anything about my depression balance. There is a reason that it takes professionals to give out these medications. Just stopping them can cause all sorts of other issues. And they have. When I took my medicine after a long break I felt sick. My mood was secondary to the physical bollocking my body was giving me for the cold turkey break.

Sir handled it with calm and control. I had directions for what to do to get me through the day and how to deal with side effects. He wanted to support me and understood why I did what I did; even though it was a bad plan. And people on twitter where helpful and supportive as well. It was very comforting to know that I’m not the only person who wakes up one morning and thinks it’s a brilliant idea to just stop their depression medication.

So perhaps this is just one more way that the universe it trying to tell me that I am not cut out for the medical or pharmaceutical field. Or basically health care of any kind. I guess I’ll stick to reading, writing, and watching porn…all while on my medicine, of course.

Mental Health Awareness Month Badge

***And I’m not sure where the title of this post came from. Though my mother and I loved the show when it was on the air. And Sully could roll me around that farm anytime.***

Balance

A new friend on Fetlife asked me about balancing my submission with young children. They then commented that they found the blog, but considering how bad it was yesterday I had to laugh. I don’t balance my submission and my kids. They laugh at me as they control my day more than Sir ever has (or wants to). Currently I spend my day making snacks, washing clothes, and trying to keep them from injury. My 21mo thinks that climbing on furniture and opening every cabinet in my new kitchen is a fun afternoon. The dog and I just sigh as their toys litter the floor around us.

But that is just the daytime ‘routine’, if you can call that hectic mess a routine. Then Sir gets home from work and everything shifts. I try to have dinner underway, if not finished, by the time he arrives. But, if the kids feel the need to push my patience, I can be an emotional mess when he walks in the door. Then he thinks that I have had a bad day (when it may have only been twenty minutes) and doesn’t want to hold me to our rules to give me a break. Which then puts me in a worse mood as I feel like a crappy sub and mom for not being able to reign them in and keep it together. I want him to hold me to those high standards; nothing makes me feel weaker than having him have to change his expectations because of my mood.

So balance is definitely still a struggle. I am hopeful that once the summer program starts at the end of May and they are running around with other kids all day that things will improve. Being able to get back to my work will be amazing. Feeling at least somewhat productive in my professional life will certainly help to ground me in other life areas. But I guess I am fighting the change in routine as much as they are.

Hopefully balance will be an attainable goal sooner rather than later, but right now the submission is out of wack. Being horny and ruled by your kids is not the happiest place to be.