Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Update: Brotherly Love

Last fall we discovered that my brother that was in an abusive situation in the care home where he lived. I wrote my anger and frustration at not being able to help more. Several of you were very supportive and understanding of my non-kinky rant.

I just wanted to follow up and say that we had him over for lunch on Sunday and he’s doing much better. We have him back in his previous home and things have improved. He has lost a lot of weight and his moods have leveled. There are still weekly meetings with the psych, but on the whole he’s massively better.

I just want to say thanks again to everyone for the support over the last few months. 🙂

Finding the Positive Through the Trees

My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.

The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.

Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.

Nothing wrong with that 🙂

Staying Positive

This week has been an emotional sinkhole. The ground beneath me falling away and a constant drizzle of stress and pain.

My collar is off. My website should just be mom at this point. Or maybe submissive mom. No matter what, I’m still a submissive.

Husband and I are doing okay. Taking the collar off was rough. I held it together, barely. He was really cold about it though, and that hurt. He tried to cuddle after we got the boys to bed, but I just couldn’t. I needed to be left alone. It was my choice to take it off, but that didn’t change how much it hurt for me. I’ve had that collar on since before my youngest son was born. Nearly three years of it’s weight as a physical representation of my submission to him disappeared from my body. I knew it was going to hurt, but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would hit.

Now, more than 24-hours later things have calmed. I don’t know how positive we both feel, but we’re pretending pretty well. He is trying to be more attentive and I appreciate that. We are both planning to talk more this weekend about where we stand. I love him and I know he loves me. But I’m not sure how we are going to compromise to meet each others’ needs.

I just hope he’s ready to fight for me. Lately it feels like he wants me to tell him to go so he doesn’t have to make the call. He said that he doesn’t think he was a good dominant because he doesn’t get off on extra responsibility. Honestly, I should have seen that. But he seems to be withdrawing from all responsibilities lately. And as much as I have needs that aren’t being met right now, our family needs to be the priority.

Despite all that, I’m trying my best to stay positive. We care about each other; that’s what matters. I may have to alter how I meet my need for submission, but that doesn’t mean that it has to ruin my marriage. I’ll find a way to still be me. To still be that collared mom, even if the collar is in a drawer right now.

Poly Problem #72 – Distance

Obviously distance is not a problem for all poly relationships. Some polys all live together in the same house or see each other for regular dates. But no, I couldn’t do this the simple way. Finding a local poly guy who was interested in me in my local, conservative community was never going to happen. Even expanding the search area to the tri-county area wouldn’t yield positive results, though perhaps some pretty sketchy ones. No, I had to find a guy who I have a ton in common with, have a wonderful sarcastic rapport, and an amazing physical attraction. The catch is that he lives 2,500 miles away. And while a 38-hour drive (trust me, I’ve mapped it) sounds good most of the time, it doesn’t fit in my daily family responsibilities.

So, how should we get through this large gaps between our sexy visits? We talk everyday. Considering how well we generally get on and how much we just enjoy chatting, this helps a lot.  Having ‘regular life’ things in common like jobs, kids, and similar general annoyances, we can always strike up a conversation about something. Having a message when I get home from work about legos or something silly his daughter said always makes me smile. And being jealous of the photos of food help distract me from missing him.

There is the sexy stuff, obviously. The fact that he can make me feel sexy from three time zones away is amazing. And the videos of him stroking himself and moaning my name definitely help me get through the day. Having those videos and photos from our time together, while they do make me miss him, also make the distance seem doable. I smile as I flip through those memories and I know that they will happen again.

We also close the distance with lots of everyday photos. He likes to send me shots of him in the shower, getting ready to run errands, or cleaning. It seems mundane, but that’s why I love it. He makes me part of his everyday life. Sharing bad and good days helps us to support the other and our spouses. It’s all one big positive vibe.

Now I say that with only a small percentage of jest. Some days the distance is crushing. When I have a bad day at work or the kids just won’t go to bed I think how nice it would be to be hidden away in a hotel room with Jack. There are those moments when running away from responsibilities makes me look at flights to California. But usually just talking to him or my husband about my rough day makes it better. And having that support and encouragement from two people is wonderful.

I will say that distance poly, at least for me, is different from a ‘traditional’ long-distance relationship. Because my primary partner is a part of my everyday life, there isn’t the same loneliness. I still miss Jack terribly, but we get support from our spouses to help us through. And I don’t remember this much sexting from my previous relationships, though I may have been doing it wrong.

Christmas Dry Spell

Christmas for me is about stress. Ever since I reached the age where I began purchasing gifts for friends and family. I always want to find that perfect present. I really look for personal gifts. Finding something that I know a person would enjoy is always a goal. Often there will be something that is a joke or memory attached, or something they  really need.

One year I found a rare Care Bear on Ebay that my Aunt collects. Another year I did and Etsy Christmas were all my gifts were handmade and I made my own cards and wrapping paper. That was obviously before we had kids and I still had time and money to burn.

For the last few years Christmas has been a mad scramble. I am usually optimistic when I start the shopping list and budget in early November. But by the first week in December I am a mess. I am almost always over budge (four years and counting) and can never find time to get caught up with everything that needs done.

The wrapping piles up until the last hours before Christmas. This year everything is down in the basement as that’s the only place we can regulate the kids’ access. And every night I plan to go down and get a little bit done, but some other immediate need comes up and it continues to be pushed off.

Then there are the last minute, “oh shit” people that I forget to buy for. This year it was the boys’ teachers. Last year it was the husband’s boss. So some last minute shopping trip(s) is inevitable. Again sucking up time and ruining my carefully planned budget even more.

I know, my whining has nothing to do with kink. But it has a lot to do with sex. As in, we don’t have any. I haven’t done a factual study, but I’d wager that December is easily my sexless month. Jack’s recent visit aside, obviously (that is not, though hopefully will be standard). I am just too stressed out. I hardly sleep. Getting to bed late and up early doesn’t give us many sexy opportunities.

There is also the influx of extended family time. This year they are coming to our house. Which, while it does mean we get to sleep in our own bed, does mean that quietness is paramount. When we travel I always feel a little weird having sex in someone else’s house. A hotel is fine, but I never know how squeaky someone’s guest bed is, or, how thin the walls are.

So we usually spend the weekend drinking, getting horny, and then going to bed frustrated. Or we’ll stay up chatting with family or fighting with the kids to stay in bed until we pass out. Either way, I guess I should only speak for me, but I’m a grumpy mess by the time everyone leaves. Making sure that everyone else is having a good time and getting everything they need is exhausting. And as I only get Monday off this year since Christmas falls on a Sunday, I’ll be heading back to work on Tuesday. My poor co-workers.

**To spite this post I grabbed the Doxy and had a marvelous orgasm last night. To spite me right back, as soon as I put the Doxy away I remembered I don’t have a dinner planned for tonight.**

Kink of the Week logo

The New Definition of Lonely

If I stop trying, then I can really see how much he has given up. Talk about having no power. I feel like I’m crawling behind him, begging for scraps. If I stopped crawling, would he even notice me at all. I hang on his every word, hoping for something positive. A compliment, a smile. Most of the time he won’t even look me.
I’m just throwing myself a little pity party, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t hide my sexual frustration, especially after a week or so. And his lack of desire for me is having a much greater impact on my self-esteem than he realizes. But it’s more than that. It’s that he’s using this lack of sexual desire as an excuse to stop everything. We don’t talk, we don’t play games. We interact through the kids and that’s it.
I just feel like I’m a burden to him. Some sex-crazed manic that he has to deal with when he would rather be doing anything else. I know that deep down it’s not my fault, that I didn’t do anything to make his sexual desire wane. But my heart doesn’t feel that way.
This is worse than a year ago when he decided he didn’t want to do 24/7 D/s anymore. The kids and I are some horrible burden of responsibility that he would love to abandon for something more fun. Working hard and earning a living for our family is a waste of his time. Yet I go my low-paying job every day so we can have insurance.
I think this is probably just a backlash to the week. Feeling like I have no power in the country I live in. Worried about our future as a nation and the safety of friends and family. The joy of getting to see my brother yesterday, only to be crushed by how much he has changed. His face looking at me in confusion and pain; like how did I let this happen. It was all I could do not to cry in front of him. But how could I possibly add my pain to what he has already suffered.
I want to be angry. Angry about all of it, but right now I am just sad. I will wear my safety pin until I am strong enough to take more action. And I have to get that strength from myself.
This is going to involve a serious wedgie from hiking up my big girl panties and a large amount of coffee.

Self Care Doesn’t Pay the Bills

Twitter Boyfriend: I do hope that you are giving yourself enough care and attention and not trying to be superwoman or supermom too much.

Me: Self care and attention doesn’t pay the bills. I am trying though.

Twitter Boyfriend: I know it does. But I do see some things that you’ve worked on taking a bit of a backseat at the moment. Just want to know that this is only temporary.

Me: Like what?

Twitter Boyfriend: Your writing and diet tracking are the two I’ve notice. I suspect there are other I don’t see – reading/craft I suspect.

Me: I wish I could argue with that.

***************

Balance is something that I used to be good at. At least, I thought I was. I would make sure I set aside time for myself when I was working. I would take a half day or even a whole day off every few months to relax. I would wear sweat pants, sew, clean; it was nice to feel productive and have ‘me time’. I could always balance time with Sir and his work without issue. Even in law school we managed to set aside time for one another.

Flash forward to two kids, a house, a dog, and two full-time jobs. Three if you count my business. My tight rope has gotten narrower and my balance has worsened. And that isn’t even taking into account our attempts at D/s in and out of the bedroom. I just feel like the ‘have to’ things are always taking precedent over the ‘want to’ items. The twitter boyfriend commented that my writing and diet tracking haven’t been great lately. But they haven’t. Work and birthday parties have been my focus for weeks now.

So now, how to get balance back? I hate to put too much pressure on it, but I have high hopes for my California trip. Even the plane flights. Time to read my book, or write some flash fiction. I have a day on a train. No joke, I get on the train at around 9:30 am and don’t get into L.A. until near 10 pm that night. I’m honestly just as excited for that as I am for my first threesome. Don’t judge me!

I think over the next few weeks before my trip I want to try and find a better way to balance things. Hopefully that won’t continue to mean that my diet and creative projects aren’t ignored. Maybe even some more regular D/s play could be found to fit in somewhere. Full bondage or wax play may not work in the schedule, but more spankings are always a good thing.

Just one of those days

Tuesday was just an off day. I really tried not to let it bother me. I tried to be positive and up beat as I struggled with each little annoyance. But it didn’t work. It took so much energy to wear a smile through each an every problem that by the time I drove home after work I had a massive headache. And having a headache as you walk  into a home with two toddlers (one of which is sick) is not a good plan.

The 2 year-old is on the mend. My dad came to stay with him on Monday so Sir and I could both go to work. Yesterday, however, we had to tag team time off. I stayed home in the morning so he could go to a meeting and then I went into the office in the afternoon. Getting to lounge around in comfy clothes was nice. But the crying child made it slightly less relaxing. That and my brain constantly worrying about the piles of work on my desk kept the morning rather tense.

Once I got into the office things calmed down. Except, of course, one of my co-workers who decided that I smeared my son’s snot all over my clothes before I left. She was positive that I was merely an incubator for my son’s illness to infect her immediately. This, while slightly annoying, would have been easy to ignore. But she let my presence sour her entire mood and preceded to sigh and grump to everyone for the rest of the afternoon.

This was after Monday when I got the call that my son was sicker than we thought. That was when she informed me that that is why she was a stay at home mom (her kids are college-age now). Because, obviously, since I was a working mother, that explained why my son was ill. Like I was being punished for my employment or something.

Sorry for the mini-rant, but without significant outside assistance, it is very difficult to be a one-income family anymore. If you can do it, good for you. But don’t judge and tell me that I am somehow a poor parent because it’s something that I have to/choose to do. I love my job. Don’t even try to make me feel guilty about it.

So, anyway, headache when I got home…

It wasn’t even like I could enjoy a good drink and a hard fuck either. My calories for the day were shot and after two nights of little sleep Sir and I were knackered. Well, almost knackered 🙂

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Positive Vibes

This weekend was spent preparing for and hosting a two year old’s birthday party. And I do believe that it all went well. Lots of smiling faces and the kid got a pretty good haul. Maybe not the ideal weekend with no children and lots of moans and screams, but it could have been much worse.

The pinata in its un-decorated, cardboard stage.Friday night, rather than working on the erotic story that I had in my head all day while I was the office, I turned into the crafty mom. Sir and I had talked about what a two year-old would really like for a party. Whacking something with a stick until candy falls out seemed the obvious choice. And, because I am my father’s daughter, I decided to make the pinata rather than buy it. It wasn’t too hard, actually. I was pretty happy with it. Not surprisingly, we still have a lot of cardboard boxes and painters tape laying around for just such an occasion.

The pinata all decorated in rainbow pride.Then Saturday was all about party prep. Luckily we had another set of hands as my mother-in-law came to help. A mass of divide and conquer to get all the groceries and cleaning done. It felt like a very productive day. Though I was bummed that I didn’t get a post up. I did get my Sinful Sunday post ready to go and the pinata was decorated. As I decided that my son wouldn’t really care what it looked like I went through my surplus craft supplies. I was happy with my first attempt.

The pinata, post whackingAnd Sunday the party turned out wonderfully. We had great weather and the food was good. The poor birthday boy is working on his two-year molars and had a fever for most of the day. But some pain medication and a lot of people willing to cuddle with him helped. And, not surprisingly, when the opportunity arose to destroy my craft project, he felt just fine. His big brother, my brother, and our cousin had to help him, but annihilation was soon achieved.

And because I am a smart mom, I didn’t buy a lot of candy that Sir and I would eventually have to eat. Instead, I just used packs of fruit snacks that my children already fight over and Sir bought one bag of suckers. Family members were encouraged to fill their pockets before they went home. So we actually don’t have too many left. All in all, it was a good weekend. After everyone packed up and left the entire family (dog and all) crashed on the couch. A quick nap and some cartoons helped.

Not a terribly kinky weekend. Though one of my birthday presents arrived early and Sir had me wear it for a few hours yesterday during the party. Because he never makes me feel vanilla for too long 🙂

Whose really getting the vacation?

Today after work the kids and I are heading to the beach house my parents are renting. It’s just for the weekend. They have been their for the last week sending me torturous pictures of them sitting in lawn chairs with mixed drinks while I’m at work. I am hoping to get through one smut book a few cocktails while my dad chases the kids around.

Sir is staying home with the dog to try and get work done.  It’s terrible, but I’m a little jealous. No kids screaming in your ear at 5:30am. No house full of people to pepper you with questions about life, job, house, etc. And no 3-hour drive with the kids complaining that we aren’t there yet. Why did I agree to this again?

All whining aside it should be a nice time. And considering my Californian sex vacation in October, I can’t really begrudge Sir this break. I’m just trying not to think about work that I should be doing. It will all be here when I get home, so I’ll just focus on my book and drink instead.

I’m not sure about the quality of the internet connection though. So I may be M.I.A. until Monday. I am trying to sort out a Sinful Sunday post though, so we’ll see. And hopefully I’ll at least be able to post lovely pictures of me relaxing on twitter.