Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.

Growth

Last night I was talking to Sir about being in a good mood. I told him that I like it better when he is a good mood when we go to bed. I meant that in order to get the boy to bed smoothly and to play, it’s just easier when he’s in a good mood. I wasn’t trying to be cryptic. However, in the past, I haven’t been clear.

He read it that I wanted to talk to him about something serious. Not sure why he pulled that from what I said, but he did. He thought I wanted him in a good mood so that I could give bad news or something.

This used to be a big trigger for him. He would ask me what it’s about. Peppering me with questions until I broke down and told him. Even if I wasn’t ready or had thought through everything I wanted to say. This would lead to confrontation and one or both of us saying something that we didn’t mean. I would be frustrated by being pushed and he would always feel like I was holding back. Like I was keeping what was really bothering me from him.

When we got into bed he seemed very relaxed. I asked if he was ok.

He said that when we used to have the ‘threat’ (his word, not mine) of a serious conversation he would get really stressed. But tonight, he felt good. Like he trusted me more (again, his phrase). He wasn’t worried about what I might say (when he thought we were ‘talking’) or what I was keeping from him. He knows that if I need to talk, I will, and I will be honest about whatever it is. There is no longer concerns about what I am keeping from him. This dynamic has given him the confidence in me and us.

I think it’s the calmest he has ever been. Calmer that post-orgasm. He came to bed happy, just like I wanted, and he went to sleep happy, just like he expects.

 

 

New Skills

I’ve never been good at masturbation. I was in a long distance relationship in college, so I tried once or twice. My roommate hardly left our room freshman year, so her showers and class time were my only opportunity for alone time. I just never really had that much luck with it. I could think dirty thoughts, even tried looking at porn a few times, and I just couldn’t hit my own buttons.

Trust me, I tried. If I could’ve taken care of myself all these years, think of the well-rounded individual I could have been. *Cough Cough*

But sadly, it was not to be. When Sir and I started dating senior year, he didn’t push it. We took care of each other, like good college students should and I’ve never been apart from him for more than a few days since.

Now with our new arrangement, Sir has ‘challenged’ me, shall we say, to try and be successful. A little over a week ago he gave me a task at work to put the plug in. I tried warming myself up first to make it easier and I accidentally came. Talk about an awakening. I got into some wonderful trouble that night. He was almost more surprised than upset. But since then, we’ve been working on my newfound skills.

I don’t know why it was always so hard. Maybe I just never found the right happy place before. Now I have all these great dirty pictures floating around in my head. Before it would take a good ten or fifteen minutes of foreplay just to get me in the mood. Now I can make myself all gooey in less an half a minute just thinking about a couple of tumblr photos. Poor Sir sometimes has a hard time keeping up (don’t take that the wrong way, he’s a stallion, make no mistake).

But this is one of those blessing/curse kind of deals. I’m home alone with two kids who need my constant care. It doesn’t leave much time for personal pleasures (nor should it). And with all the mountains of stress that Sir and I are climbing right now, pouncing on him when he walks in the door isn’t always appreciated either. I must learn to control my new power.

It’s been torture, let me tell you.