Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

I wish sex was as rough as my life

Yesterday was rough. I have meeting with my doctor every once and awhile to talk about my meds and how I’ve been feeling. Our meeting went well, we just started talking about all the things coming up in the next month or so. About how the renovation was more expensive than we planned and how the kids being sick has kept me from working on the business when I get home. How Sir is stressed with his own job and other family crap that refuses to give him closure. It was nice to talk to her, and she even said she was impressed that it seemed I was handling things well.

And I was…until I got in the car. The whole way home the panic attack was crawling under my skin. When I got home Sir noticed that something was wrong, but he had to get ready for work. He asked if I was okay and the damn broke. I felt terrible doing that to him and then him having to leave for work; he didn’t need that. Everything just felt like a wave trying to carry me off with it. I’m a good swimmer (literally and figuratively), but this riptide is wicked. Someday I’ll write about the time I actually nearly drowned in a riptide (sorry, it seemed on topic).

The positive bits and pieces and each day aren’t overshadowing or even balancing out the negative lately. Those brief moments of bliss when I wake up in the morning, or when Sir gives me release don’t add up to staring at a pile of bills and a house that needs cleaned and in many cases still unpacked. I know this will pass.

The new job is going well. There is a lot to learn, but everyone is nice and positive about my progress. The long weekend will be good too. Definitely going to save my calories so I can have a drink or two.

Everyone in my life is just under a lot of stress. The twitter boyfriend has a mountain I can’t even begin to explain. I hate bugging him with anything less than fantastic news to brighten his day. Sir’s work stress continues. My parents are condo shopping, which is turning out to not be as fun as my mother expected. It’s just hard to find refuge in people when everyone else is looking for it too.

Yesterday was just the price of doing business I guess.

[Dirty Kitchen Pun]

I have been fantasizing about playing in our new kitchen ever since we moved in. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with Sir, sometimes with other fun friends. Well, last night I found a clean space on the new counter and I put it to good use….repeatedly.

Rye loving herself on the kitchen counter

We all know how much I struggle with holding still.

See who else is being sexy this Sunday by clicking below.

Sinful Sunday Kiss Logo

Getting There

I finally found the computer among all the boxes. It’s been a tiring few days, but everyone has a bed, a pillow, and the TV has been hooked up. It’s all about the important things right?

But we are officially done with the old house. We are no longer renters! The carpets steam cleaned great and when I was done cleaning that house it looked amazing. Better than it ever did when we lived there. But it’s done. That’s all that matters.

Today is the first day I am home with the kids. Unpacking boxes while filling snack orders and keeping the laundry train moving. I think we are all going to run laps around the backyard this afternoon to wear them down. Fingers crossed we all survive.

Either way I will beg for an orgasm or five to help me fall asleep tonight.

And hopefully I can get back to regular writing soon. I have missed writing.

Time Lapse Kitchen

So the contractors are finishing up in the kitchen. Some simple hook ups are left for the range and the dishwasher. They should be done by the end of the week. It’s hard to believe that it originally looked like this:

The original kitchen
Our pre-demo kitchen.

I can hardly believe that there wasn’t a single light in the entire kitchen. The light on the counter was the only light in the room.

The original view from the front door.
The entryway closet that we removed.

I think these pictures were taken in October when we got the keys. That’s my mom’s leg with her knee brace and she’s in shorts, so it can’t have been to late into the fall.

Stage two of the kitchen with open floor plan.

This picture was from around February. You can see how big the space is without that closet and the added dining room space.

Kitchen cabinets
Cabinet delivery day.

Cabinets were delivered on time and Sir and ran circles around the room with joy. Well, I ran around the room, he laughed at me.

Kitchen Cabinet Installed

It took until mid-March, but kitchen finally started to take shape as the cabinets were installed.

Kitchen island

The counter top and back-splash made me want to stay. Definitely more than one ugly lamp for lighting now.

Finished kitchen

Finished kitchen

These pictures were taken about a week ago. The faucet has since been installed in the island. I’ll have to put up completely finished pictures when the house is all done. But this is our pretty kitchen. We never could have done this kind of work ourselves. With only my dad’s help and weekends as we all work, it would have taken us a year to complete. And the Amish built custom cabinets were worth it.

But now you guys can see why I want to just have full on sex with my new kitchen. My new fantasy is just to have a massive orgy on my new counter top. And hey, we chose the floor and the solid-surface counters for easy clean up. Because why do a remodel of your kitchen if at the end you can’t have sex in it?

Back to Monday

I felt weird not posting this weekend. Though I’m not sure you would have been entertained by me talking about stain colors and the process of applying polyurethane. Lots of good hard work though. Dad and I finished the upstairs and Sir painted the fireplace. The contractors should finish the first floor this week, which is good as we are moving in on Saturday. We’ve taken several car loads of boxes and some small furniture down, but there is still quite a bit to put in the truck.

Now we are getting down to the nitty gritty though. Lots of changing mailing addresses and sorting through paperwork. Maybe I’ll pack naked this afternoon to feel a little sexy.

Some Air

Sir and I finally got some air. Things have been tight financially as we’ve gotten closer to the official move and through some finagling and some luck we got a breather yesterday. It’s not a lot, but it is just enough at the right time.

When he came home from work last night he seemed lighter. Both of our good moods seeped through the house. The kids were cute and nondestructive (mostly). We even packed several boxes and loaded my car for drop-off.

I was almost surprised when, after the kids went to bed, he ordered me to kneel and shoved his cock in my face. Not complaining, it had just been so long since that has happened that I wasn’t prepared. It was nice. Not a big scene or anything, we’re easing back in. Getting back to regular sex is a good first step. Whips and chains are easy to add as we go (easy for me anyway).

Sometimes you just need that one positive thing to make everything more manageable. Your brain is so overwhelmed and depressed, but one piece of good news and remind you that you can get passed it. Whatever it is may not magically fix everything, but it crosses one thing off the list. When that list has done nothing but grow, it’s amazing how much lighter it can make you feel. Both Sir and I last night had some air and some breathing room. Sir even came twice. He hasn’t been relaxed enough to do that in months.

I am heading to the house today to stain floors and finishing painting the upstairs. I’ve been really happy at all the work I have been able to do either by myself or with dad’s help. I think it will be great to be able to say that we did all the work in renovating the upstairs. Since we are looking to move at the end of the month I will probably need to spend the weekend there to get the floors finished, but they do look nice so far. And some of the stress relief from today is going to help us finish up some of the projects downstairs too.

It’s so nice to finally feel like we are getting there. Though it does reinforce how ready we are to be out of this rental. Hoping to use the motivation to pack more boxes the next few days. The boys are going to think it’s Christmas in July when we unpack all these toys we have had boxed up the last few months. Maybe we won’t have to buy anything for their birthdays this year. Knowing my kids I doubt it.

Struggling

I wish I had something sexy and/or inspirational to say. But I don’t. Sir spent yesterday afternoon upstairs working and I packed. Slow but sure. But we’re hopefully going to be out of here in twelve days (don’t judge my countdown). So last week I only clocked nine hours of work. Between work at the new house and cleaning this place so they could show it to new renters I got little else completed.

And sexy is a word that hasn’t really been mentioned lately. We’re both just so stressed out. Trying to make money work, being worried about mom, and just keeping things together is sapping all our energy. We are sort of just working passed one another. Trying to put out fires as they appear. Slowly making steps to make our current landlords, the kids, and our bosses happy. We are just wiped.

At least, I hope that is all this is. He’s been so distant. I think it’s just stress, but it’s like he doesn’t want to be here (here with me and the kids, not here in this house). His work is overwhelming and it just bleeds into everything when he gets home. We crawl into bed, play on our phones for ten minutes, and then pass out. I’m not sure we even touched each other that much yesterday.

I’m going to try and make this my last whiny post though. If I don’t have anything positive or sexy or happy to say than I will just take the day off. Hopefully once we are moved then I get inspired to write something worth reading again.

When Sir Hurts

What do you do when your Sir hurts? Physical ailments are easy. You can pamper and care for them through any illness. But what about problems that you can’t fix with a foot rub and a bowl of soup?

Sir’s father passed away in 2013. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in early 2012, but survived almost a year more than a he was given by the doctor. It was a struggle. He passed the day we found out we were pregnant with our second child. We didn’t get to tell him. But as difficult as it was to lose him, the process since then has almost been worse. His second wife was named executor of the estate and has been dragging her feet (in our opinion) in executing the will.

Then there is Sir’s job. Helping people is great, but it’s a lot of pressure and stress to perform. As he gets ready to start his own firm there are the fears of failure and what it would mean for our family. Telling him how much I believe in him isn’t enough. He comes home from work thinking about how much he has yet to get done. Dinner and time with the kids is filled with deadlines. It’s hard not to complain about time with him, but it’s how we pay the bills. And me whining about it doesn’t help him feel any better.

And, of course, there is D/s. We both want more; I want a lot more. But D/s isn’t a solid thing. Right now it has to be fluid and just squeeze into the gaps of our lives. And lately there just isn’t room. And believe me, it shows. We are both cranky and stressed. We want the release. Him beating me, me being beaten. But we just are connecting will any regularity.

So how do I help him feel better? I am trying not to be too bitter and pissy about the lack of BDSM. I am trying to deal with all manner of issues of the house, the move, the kids, and each new outcropping of bills that appear. I would lovingly suck his cock if he asked me to. Trust me. We just tend to get into this cycle where he gets stressed out, I try to help, it’s never enough, then I get pissy and he feels guilty and more stressed. Rinse; repeat. My attempts to help usually backfire or are ill-timed with something else that has gone wrong. I try to stay positive for as long as possible, but eventually I hit a depressive slump and then have to pull myself out while also trying to motivate him.

Reading this I’m realizing that it seems like I only want him to feel better for the D/s. Obviously I want him to be happy with or without it. But I’ve seen the look on his face when we play (the few times he’s let me keep my glasses on). He is so relaxed after anal, or a good blow job. Everything else that’s going on isn’t important and he can just focus on us. That is one of the reasons I love it so much as well. But when we don’t play, I don’t get that chance to refocus and refresh. And because I know what it can do for both our moods, I really do try to get him to a place where he wants to scene. But lately I can’t even do that.

I’m just worried about him. These last months have been a lot to take. And while moving in two weeks should help that, it’s also going to be hectic. Everything is still in the ‘once we get settled in the new house’ stage. I’m just concerned that it won’t get better once we are settled. Fingers crossed though.

I obviously need to stop ruminating on his mood and just be happy myself. Hopefully a happy sub will help. Right now it’s all I’ve got.

Work for the Weekend

Thank heavens this week is almost over. I’ve already had my fill. My OBGYN called on Monday to say that I had an irregular pap smear and they wanted me to come back in. Time to trigger my panic. The last few days have been panic on top of worry with a side of stressed. When they call and try to schedule you for their first available appointment it is usually time to start worrying.

Well, I went to the doc yesterday and everything is okay. No cancer or HPV concerns. Apparently the IUD can cause my body to create some bacteria that can throw off the results. They just wanted me to come in to talk about symptoms and to double check that everything is alright; which it was. And I probably wouldn’t have freaked out so much if this wasn’t coming on the heels of mom’s accident and all the moving stress. And I didn’t want to tell my parents about it until I knew what was really going on. So instead, it’s added another layer of stress to the beginning of the week. But it’s one less thing to worry about now at least, so I am glad I took that first appointment.

Our landlord has started coming down on us about the house. It was completely out of the blue and it ruined Sir and my moods. We have two kids and a dog, the carpets are going to get a little dingy; it’s not like we weren’t going to clean them before we left. But they did a showing of the place the other night and the realtor took pictures (which I did not give permission for) and she sent a nasty email. We talked and she apologize, but it just tipped the scale of how much we are both ready to be out of here. This weekend will be the last big push to get things done at the house before we start moving in. Hoping to get the floors sanded and sealed and the last few closet doors painted. I’ll have to do another renovation post on the kitchen. They did a beautiful job.

So, we’ll see how the next few days and the weekend go. Mass packing will fill my next week and probably several trips to unload them. We’ll probably have to get a truck to move the larger pieces of furniture, but I am hoping to call on some burly cousins to help with the lifting. Fingers crossed it won’t be long now. We should be able to celebrate Mother’s Day (the US one) in the new house. Then we can focus on jobs and paying off some of these bills.

Maybe people will give us Xanax for housewarming gifts.

A perfect evening

Some people love to get dressed up and go out to a fancy restaurant or a club until the whee hours of the morning. Wearing a tight sexy dress and matching eye shadow, dancing with friends while perfectly balancing a martini in one hand and a phone taking pictures in the other. Hardly noticing the four-inch heels amid the thumping music and fruity cocktails. Crashing into bed around 3am, possibly with someone they met that evening to enjoy a good fuck before passing out.

This, in case it wasn’t painfully obvious, is not my idea of a perfect evening. Not judging if it’s yours, go you for having stamina that I will never have. I like to go to a club and dance (or at least I did ten years ago), but now I just feel old and out of place. That and the small scraps of handkerchief that girls can wear in most clubs wouldn’t cover my stretchmarks very well.

No, my night idea of a perfect evening (date-wise) was last night. The boys went to grandma’s for the weekend, she came to pick them up after daycare. After they left Sir decided we would have a night in. We ordered some wings from a local place we wanted to try (it was amazing, by the way) and curled up with a few beers in front a backlog of TV. It was great. Just sitting on our comfy couch in comfy clothes with a cold drink and something to dip in blue cheese dressing. When we were slightly buzzed we went upstairs. He got to chill out in front of a video game where he could kill lots of random baddies and I got to write smut. It was so relaxing just to be in the same room with him while enjoying our relaxing past-times without kids or other responsibilities. Just me cuddling with the dog and working on several erotica story lines while Sir saved some land from some bad guy with a string of amazing weapons and combo moves (ok, I may pick on him a tad for some of the gaming).

Not to be out done with the ‘things we never get to do when the kids are home’ part of the evening, we had ice cream. Mine was coffee chocolate chunk, or just orgasm flavored.

There was kinky fuckery as well, but honestly, that wasn’t what made the evening amazing. Just having the time together made it special. However, since this is my pitiful attempt at a sex blog there was some fun oral before we crashed into bed and had a blissful, full night of sleep. Then I was awoke this morning to a cock pressing into my back. Some more oral and fucking til it hurt (the best part, obviously) and now Sir is in the shower. We are heading to the new house today to do some more painting and prep work. Hoping to start moving stuff in next week. I’m sure I’ll make you guys suffer through a new reno update as the new cabinets are in and the counter-top was supposed to arrive yesterday.

Hope everyone has a lovely Saturday. And feel free to let me know what your perfect evening is. I’ll just be here in my sweat pants with my beer again tonight and would love to read about them.