Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Celibacy Sucks

My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. He fingered me a few weeks ago. I gave him a blow job and a hand job last weekend. Yesterday he rubbed my thigh. This is the extent of the physical interaction we’ve had lately.

I’m trying to take a step back and keep perspective. Sex isn’t everything. He and I get along great and enjoy spending time together. I wish that was enough.

It’s not like this was a sudden thing. He has been losing interest in me sexually since I was pregnant with our second child. Ever since then he hasn’t really want to initiate sex. And now he says that it’s because I always seemed disappointed in sex. Like he was never good enough. But that’s an oversimplification. His desire of me began fading a long time ago. And his refusal to take responsibility for his part in this is probably what bothers me the most.

His ‘explanation’ makes my submission the root of the problem. But it’s not actually the issue. My submission merely explains my need for attention and my dislike of asking for sex. I don’t even feel like my personality has even changed, it only makes more sense to me. My sex drive has increased, but I’ve also tried really hard not to pressure him with that.

Obviously this is all from my perspective. But I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to make him more comfortable. I’ve worked to seduce him. I have purchased gifts, preformed acts of service, even worked to ignore all my needs to put his first. And I thought if I could just do that until he was out of his funk, that things would become better. But it hasn’t worked.

He’s still so distant from me and I’ve pushed down so much of myself. I tried to masturbate the other day and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on enough to get anywhere. It was soul-crushing.

Needless to say I don’t think celibacy is for me. Though I’m not sure I have much control over it.

****

I wrote the above yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I went upstairs to try and masturbate. My husband came up and fucked me with a dildo while I rode the Doxy. It was amazing. It’s this type of thing that keeps me in constant confusion. But at the same time, if opposite day is going to work with my post drafts then prepare to be inundated.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.

Finding the Positive Through the Trees

My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.

The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.

Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.

Nothing wrong with that 🙂

Security Blanket

I’m trying to decide if I should start wearing another necklace to ‘replace’ my collar. Obviously it wouldn’t replace it; I’m not even sure it would being fill the hole I feel. But, it could help me to feel some sort of weight like I had with the collar.

The collar that my Sir gave me was a surgical steel chain that was quite heavy. I would play with it whenever I was trying to think. It was a comfort and a weight that stayed with me throughout the day. I would touch and think of him, and I would know that he was thinking of me. It reminded me that he cared for me.

Without that security blanket around my neck I have been struggling. I didn’t realize how closely tied it was to my self-confidence. I’ve just been surprised at how much I have been questioning my decisions lately.

Which leads me to the conclusion that another, purely ornamental, necklace really wouldn’t change much. I would still feel just as lost. Some silly charm or a string of fake pearls wouldn’t have the same meaning, no matter how much I would want it to. In fact, it may just highlight the fact that I don’t have a collar. It would merely re-enforce I’m not owned by anyone. That hurt isn’t going to go away just because my neck isn’t bare.

I think I am looking for whatever I need to do to get passed this. There are a lot of elements of a break up, but it quickly gets more complicated. We’re still married, we still love one another. That doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I want to scream and cry though. I don’t (or haven’t yet). There isn’t a clean break, so to speak, so it’s hard to process sometimes.

I think I want a new necklace to try and feel like I am fixing myself. Getting myself together and being the type of person who is strong enough to be someone’s sub again. Currently, I’m in such a weird head-space I shouldn’t be anyone’s sub. I don’t want to be a pity project or a burden for someone. Then I would feel even worse.

Eventually something that is meaningful, in one way or another, will come along. Maybe by then I’ll be at a place where the idea of replacing my collar won’t be so horrific. Then I’ll be strong enough to call a necklace and be okay with it.

Why do I set myself impossible tasks when I have the patience of a two year old?

Staying Positive

This week has been an emotional sinkhole. The ground beneath me falling away and a constant drizzle of stress and pain.

My collar is off. My website should just be mom at this point. Or maybe submissive mom. No matter what, I’m still a submissive.

Husband and I are doing okay. Taking the collar off was rough. I held it together, barely. He was really cold about it though, and that hurt. He tried to cuddle after we got the boys to bed, but I just couldn’t. I needed to be left alone. It was my choice to take it off, but that didn’t change how much it hurt for me. I’ve had that collar on since before my youngest son was born. Nearly three years of it’s weight as a physical representation of my submission to him disappeared from my body. I knew it was going to hurt, but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would hit.

Now, more than 24-hours later things have calmed. I don’t know how positive we both feel, but we’re pretending pretty well. He is trying to be more attentive and I appreciate that. We are both planning to talk more this weekend about where we stand. I love him and I know he loves me. But I’m not sure how we are going to compromise to meet each others’ needs.

I just hope he’s ready to fight for me. Lately it feels like he wants me to tell him to go so he doesn’t have to make the call. He said that he doesn’t think he was a good dominant because he doesn’t get off on extra responsibility. Honestly, I should have seen that. But he seems to be withdrawing from all responsibilities lately. And as much as I have needs that aren’t being met right now, our family needs to be the priority.

Despite all that, I’m trying my best to stay positive. We care about each other; that’s what matters. I may have to alter how I meet my need for submission, but that doesn’t mean that it has to ruin my marriage. I’ll find a way to still be me. To still be that collared mom, even if the collar is in a drawer right now.

The Weight of Hurt

“You didn’t want to get your clit pierced? Why did you put it on your 101 Things list?”

“Because you said you were going to order me to get it done.”

“Well, I guess you’re off the hook then.”

~

It’s conversations like this that crush me. What am I supposed to say to that? I wanted to be on the hook. That was the whole fucking point. I agreed to let him do what he wanted with my body; piercings were part of that.

This is why I think I need to take my collar off. I feel like I need to regain and recenter myself a bit. He knows how much I want to submit to him and I think that’s the problem. Like I need to make him earn my submission again, if he even wants it.

That’s the rub. He wants me to be happy, but he admits he cannot meet that need. And if everything else in our relationship were solid then I think I may be able to back away from my need to submit. But with everything else weighing me down, I need this type of release. I just don’t see how to make that work.

Where does that leave my submission in the possibly indefinite interim? I certainly wouldn’t be collared mom anymore (though it’s not like I’m really going to change the page or my twitter name). He’s not comfortable with me finding a local dom. He doesn’t want me to invested in a distance or online dominant either.

I may be ‘off the hook’, but still very much in the tank.

Is there an art to begging?

Last night I asked him if I could suck his dick. I may have been a bit tipsy when I asked, but it was a completely serious request.

He said yes, even seemed excited by the thought. However, as soon as I asked I felt terrible. Like I was begging him. I just felt like I had lost my last little bit of dignity and self-respect. The words left my lips and I almost didn’t care what his answer was. I felt so worthless for having to beg for attention.

I just don’t want to start this year like this. Last year we had stopped our 24/7 D/s and that was difficult. If I had only known what 2016 would bring. Things are getting better though. He seems in a much better place lately. Even more motivated and happy, and that’s wonderful. I don’t want to minimize that. It just hasn’t changed how he interacts with me. I think I had hoped it would be one big resurgence. Like a better mood would automatically mean that I would become more sexually alluring or something.

Spoiler: He went to sleep. I feel cold.