Midas over on The Golden Treasure Trip commented on my Evaluation post with an interesting question. The topic of the post (because I really can’t expect you to read all my ramblings) was about how I give feedback to Sir about his performance as we hone in on our M/s roles. He offered some really good insight from his own experience and ended with this head scratcher:
You mention feeling guilty to critique a scene, that would be first focal point in my opinion. Which fear is below that guilt?
Such a simple question and I knew that it would rattle around in my brain for awhile. Not because I didn’t know the answer, but because I did. His question struck directly at the problem, I am incredibly insecure. I was insecure when we were vanilla, I’m not sure why I thought that it would just disappear.
It’s not all Sir’s fault. I blame previous relationships. You know, those ones where you think everything is going pretty well and they are moving on. When they eventually break up with you they are so checked out you don’t understand what is happening. Even if you look back months later and realize where things started to go downhill, that moment of shock and their abrupt departure stays with you.
When Sir told me that he was bisexual I thought that that was one of those moments. I was fine with his sexuality. He had had a boyfriend in the past, but he was with me. And I was fine, or thought so at least, for quite a while. But slowly, this nagging thought kept entering my brain. I don’t have a penis. I know, shocker. You wouldn’t think I would need a reminder of that very often, and yet. But that is where it started. And it grew.
I just got this niggling thought in my brain that he was going to wake up one day and realize that he needed a penis; pretty much the only thing that I couldn’t give him. And there is nothing I could do to shake that feeling. We’ve been together for over eight years, married for seven, you would think that I would be over it.
But I’m not. The idea of being critical of him is so difficult. Like I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and that will be it. I think that my past relationship experiences (even though they were years ago) have bolstered my insecurities of him leaving me. I don’t really address issues outside of our sexual relationship that well either. But this M/s set-up and feedback have really highlighted how little I feel comfortable criticizing him. There is also the knowledge that I know he is trying his best. He’s not being vindictive or cruel. He’s learning to be a Dom just as much as I am learning how to be his pet. It’s not completely natural for either of us. I don’t want to expect too much from him. We are both getting comfortable with our kinks. Neither of us wants to push too hard and have the other throw in the towel. And, as the submissive, I don’t want to come across as whiny and bratty either. A difficult balance to achieve.
I don’t think that Sir will leave me. He loves me. He loves our children and our life together. My insecurities are not due to anything that he has done. It’s just my own irrational fear of losing him. Of not being enough. He has never given me that impression. I just don’t know why I can’t believe him. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and I am everything he needs. So why can’t I just be happy that I don’t have a penis?
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This week’s Wicked Wednesday topic is Disability. I could wax poetic about how insecurity is my disability, but that would be disrespectful to those who struggle everyday with a real one. This difficulty is the closest I come to that struggle and I recognize how blessed I am. And growing up with a brother who has disabilities, I would never intend to judge or belittle those who have higher mountains to climb. You all are my heroes.