Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

TMI Tuesday: Love, Emotion, Trust

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1. What would you do to leave a great impression with a person on your first date?

I’m pretty shy until I get to know someone, but generally on dates I try to be funny. I’m sure I don’t always succeed.

2. Do you usually follow your heart or your head?

My heart. Nearly always. And it’s usually not a good outcome. I think that following my heart usually means that I act impulsively. And, as this blog pretty clearly shows, it doesn’t often work out.

3. If your significant other told you to jump off a tall cliff and told you that you’ll land safely because there’s a net you can’t see yet, would you blindly trust your s.o. and jump?

Can I call bullshit on this one? I don’t really think Sir would ever ask/tell me jump off a cliff. And I’m not sure I would jump, even if he did. I don’t think it has anything to do with trust though. If it has something to do with the safety of the kids, then maybe. But honestly, I’m not for high intensity activities (sex doesn’t count).

4. How do you support your significant other?

Support is such a broad word. I work full-time and my job gives the family insurance. I try to clean and keep the kids from driving us both crazy. I hope I support him emotionally as much as he wants. We both have depression, so I think we both struggle sometimes to give/ask for the emotional support that we need. But I hope I do an okay job.

5. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel loved?

When people really listen to me. When someone buys me a gift that they actually thought about. I love just spending time with someone. Playing games, watching a movie. I might also be a cuddle slut.

6. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel respected?

I feel respected at work when someone asks my opinion of something or asks me how to do something. Having my opinion and/or knowledge respected is big for me. I always appreciate a little credit too. I don’t really enjoy being the center of attention, but if I put a lot of work into a project and a boss or supervisor recognizes that effort I feel respected.

7. Can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy? Explain.

Yes. Speaking from my current place of having a partner with no sex drive to speak of, we still have a strong emotional connection. We’ve been together for ten years and we’ve had periods without physical intimacy before. We’ll get over this hurdle too, we always do.

Interestingly, for me, it’s the other way around. If I don’t have emotional intimacy it is very difficult for me to have positive physical intimacy. In my experience I cannot relax, I never orgasm, and I usually feel terrible afterwards.

Bonus:  In 2016, what was your most conflicted emotional moment?

Realizing that my connection with Jack was stronger than I had considered. This is important in it’s own right and I don’t want to down play it. But it is more the larger significance of learning that I could care about more than one person. That my love for Sir didn’t diminish. That I cared about him just as much, or more, because I also cared about someone else. My emerging understanding of how polyamory has manifested itself for me. I’m still not sure how it will grow and change as Sir and I get more (or less) comfortable with the idea. But I really love the idea that this could be something amazing.

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Intimacy in BDSM

You know that moment in romance novels and romance films where the couples’ eyes connect and everything goes into slow motion? His hands skim all over her body and her perfectly manicured nails run up his back. The mainstream definition of intimacy comes across as passionate and satisfying for both partners (in a purely orgasmic fashion). Which, of course, includes smooth movements and no fluids or mess of any kind. No one needs to clean up or ever gets a UTI; just a lot of beautiful people fucking endlessly. There is no concept of the passage of time aside from the occasional breaks for food. Which are always eaten in bed or wrapped in a sheet and there are never crumbs ANYWHERE (bitter mom here).

But how do you really achieve intimacy in a BDSM context? I think that the above definition doesn’t work. Intimacy can be so much more than the fifteen seconds that they show in film. And intimacy can be shown and experienced by more than just a traditional orgasm. The connection can be created in those moments of blissful agony. For some (hint, I am some), intimacy is being called a ‘good girl’ after taking the belt and asking for ‘just one more’. Intimacy can be draping your sub with an aftercare blanket or helping them to a glass of water. The embodiment of trust and care.

I think broadly, intimacy is about a connection. And I’m sure that that connection can take several forms. Some people can have that type of connection during a conversation in the middle of a busy restaurant. And I can have that feeling being cuddled up next to Sir after he has beaten me to tears. I guess it just bothers me how difficult it is for people to understand intimacy outside of that traditional idea. Pushing that misconception seems to make them think that our version is weird or wrong. And it makes those in BDSM feel enlightened and better somehow. I’m not sure either is wholly correct.

But intimacy is beautiful, in whatever form it takes. And rather than judge others in how they achieve it, maybe we should strive to have more of it ourselves. That’s not really a surprising conclusion from me, is it? Don’t judge others, just have more intimate moments and more sex. Yeah, who didn’t see that coming?