Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Poly Problem #76: Pass Priority

Rye's slave braclet

I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.

So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.

Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.

He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.

Poly Problem #4: The First Someone Else

There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.

So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.

However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.

Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.

It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.

My Advice (such as it is):

Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.

Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.

The Most Comfortable

Because for me, sexy means that I can lay next to you and talk for hours. Perfectly comfortable being naked and next to you. We can talk about anything. And we are both so natural in our conversation and confidence. Comfortable in the knowledge that when we do get back to fucking, it will be even more amazing because of the intellectual discussion that we have just shared.

Rye and Jack's legs comfortable on the bed.

Check out how everyone else is spending their sexy Sunday by clicking the lips below.

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Finding the Positive Through the Trees

My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.

The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.

Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.

Nothing wrong with that 🙂

Poly Problem #53: Sharing Porn

Because Jack and I live quite a distance apart, we generally chat on twitter or via text. We talk mostly about our families and how much we want to be fucking each other at that moment. Jokes and kid’s quotes get shared for the other to read when the other wakes up. The time change, while annoying, is manageable as we both put in the effort. As with any long-distance relationship, it takes work.

We also share a lot of photos. Most are selfies, taken during our conversations to depict a certain mood or response. I’ll admit to sending quite a few boob pics and if I think my hair looks particularly good that day I’ll see if he agrees. Basically our relationship is a bit of a teenage romance for me. Except with a lot more dirty talk and mutual masturbation. So, nothing teenage about it. And I’m sure it depends on how you define romance. I’m a beer and burgers with a B movie kind of girl rather than a wine and escargot with opera.*

There are also a number of nudes and dick pics. I don’t want to say how many, we’ll go with a lot. Some videos too. Many saved on my phone for occasions when I need a little help (not help doing dishes, if that’s not obvious). I still maintain, hearing him moan my name as he cums is the hottest thing. Which is my not so subtle segway into today’s Poly Problem – Sharing porn.

Jack and I were chatting the other day, as we often do. Conversation turned to sexy things that he’d like to do to me (one of my favorite topics). A steamy photo or two were exchanged and I asked him if I could have another video. I have a thing about watching him jerk off. He will send me a video from time to time, often with a good moan of my name included. I have a great one from when he was here in December on loop right now. Getting a new one is always a gooey present. This time he had an interesting response:

“Sure I can send you one. It doesn’t have any names in it as I sent it to Jill earlier. Does that bother you?”

I said it didn’t bother me and he sent the video over. I enjoyed it and didn’t give it another thought until later that night. Getting ready for bed I pulled the video back up. I thought about the fact that he had made it for Jill. That he had sent it to her first. I felt like I should be upset, but I couldn’t pin point why. I mean, I would love to have Jack all to myself for an extended period. But at the same time, I respect that we have separate lives.

I would be lying if I said that knowing that Jack sent the same photos to me that he sent to every other woman he talks to doesn’t bother me. There are times when I want something to be just for me. To have a piece of him that I don’t have to share. I’m hoping that’s normal. But does it bother me if I get a video/photo/etc. that someone else has seen? It certainly didn’t make it any less hot. And it’s not like I haven’t sent him a photo that I had previously posted on twitter or on here.

Is there an expectation with all things intimate that they be exclusive to the recipient? This falls back to one of my previous posts about thinking about someone else when you are having sex. Does that apply to masturbation as well? If you shoot a video or photo of an erection that you got while thinking about someone other than who you send it to, is it less sexy?  I don’t think so, but I guess I could see how some people would think so. The rabbit hole on this can get deep very quickly.

I think maybe this is something to be sorted out with your partners on a case by case basis. Depending on how many people you play/flirt with, it may not be an issue. But to ensure that everyone feels special and appreciated when they are with you, it would be something to be up front about. I’m pretty relaxed about it, but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled to get a video with Jack moaning someone else’s name. Though, honestly, I would probably just mute it and grab my Doxy. Hey, when you find something that works for you, you don’t ask why.

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*Though as a completely random note, I love The Pirates of Penzance. I can be classy…sometimes.

Leverage

I can’t imagine all the work that Molly has put into the last 300 weeks, but having the opportunity to see everyone’s sexy pictures is amazing. So thankful to have a place to share and get feedback on my personal porn collection. Here’s to 300 more weeks!

Honestly, I just like the color differences in this shot. The yellow blanket, the blue wall, the sunlight. I’m sure I was trying to get leverage against the wall, and I love that too. Jack leaning in from just out of shot just pushes me over the edge, literally.

Rye trying to get leverage against the blue wall.

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Attainable Goals

As I sit here and drink my second cup of coffee for the day I keep coming back to what I want to accomplish this year. As my husband sits on his computer learning Swedish, apparently, I feel the need to also improve myself. I’m not good at languages (as my fruitless six years of Spanish will attest). There are quite a few other goals that I would like to work on though. Finishing a quilt or two that have been started and had to be set aside. Losing weight is always a go to goal. I’m still down on what I weighted this time last year, but another thirty pounds wouldn’t hurt.

However, I have another goal for 2017: anal training. Prior to Jack’s last visit we had discussed how much fun it would be for him to take my ass. We didn’t really have time when I visited in October, so we were both looking forward to it. I thought I had prepped okay. All anal November was a bit of a wash, but I wore my Njoy a bit and tried to stretch when I thought about it.

Apparently thinking about it wasn’t enough. When we did get a chance, in our hotel room, during his visit in December, things did not go well. Although I was able to eventually relax with the help of the Doxy, it wasn’t long before I had to stop. The Njoy did not prepare me for his girth or length. And while I’m sure he would take that as a compliment (in fact I’m pretty sure he did), it crushed me. After all the talk and hype about anal over the last few months, to be thwarted again, was a real blow. Especially as I was mostly my own fault for not preparing better.

I am hoping to see Jack several times this year. It depends on finances and schedules, but my fingers are crossed. In any case I don’t want to be what holds us back from anal sex next time. So I am going to try and start a regimen. I’m sure my husband won’t mind helping me stretch occasionally too. It’s good to have motivation to reach your goals.

Check out how everyone else is starting off 2017 by clicking below.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Personal Highs & Global Lows: 2016 Year in Review

This has been a year of ups and downs (how generic is that?). I’m not really sure I’ve had a year with more dramatic highs and lows. It’s just odd how many personal goals I have achieved this year. I think they were surrounded by so many global lows that it’s hard to find them through the fog. Between Brexit and the clusterfuck that was the U.S. Presidential election, it’s been tough. Not to mention all the influential people that have passed away this year. It’s been a public year that I would love to leave behind, but a personal year that I wouldn’t mind repeating.

I started my own business. – It has always been a goal and last February I officially got my L.L.C. up and running. I haven’t become a worldwide sensation, but I have a few clients and some pretty business cards. Hopefully I can give it more time in the coming year, but it will probably never be a full-time thing, and that’s okay.

We moved into our house. – Although we bought it in 2015, we didn’t officially move in until May of this year. The kitchen remodel and refinishing the floors took several months, and it was great to move into finished product rather than a renovation. There are still projects to do, there always are, but we are finally settled. Moving from rental to rental was a stressful process, and the idea of not looking at a moving truck for a decade or two sounds downright blissful.

I went back to work. – Separate from the business, I went back to work. I had been employed as a consultant for a database company from home. But when the opportunity came up to get back into an office and get good insurance coverage for everyone, I jumped at it. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my old masturbation sessions with Jack in the afternoon, but getting out of the house has been good for me. I mean, I wear more than sweatpants now, so that’s something.

My sleeve tattoo is finally finished. – I need to get a good picture to show it off, but I’m beyond happy with it. The whole thing took about 18 months to complete. There were several months between some of my appointments due to various hangups for me and my artist. But early in December I was able to go for my last piece of lace and touch-ups. I’m sure I’ll have a few spots that I will go back and have darkened at some point. Right now though, I couldn’t be happier with what she was able to do with my design request.

And then there were the more kinky aspects of my year….

We opened our marriage. – After talking a lot about other partners and sexual experiences, my husband and I decided to open our marriage. Looking back, this has been a roller coaster of a decision. I had a not go good interaction with a local dom that made me take a huge step back and question everything. Luckily, I kept an open mind and learned from my mistakes. Finding Jack and Jill and visiting them this fall was an amazing experience. Hopefully we will be able to work out another visit (or twelve) this year.

I started identifying as Poly. – I think I can safely say that this is purely because of Jack. After my negative experience, I never really thought that I would find someone that I had a deep emotional connection with outside of my marriage. When we opened up, I was looking for a friend with benefits. Someone to joke around with and maybe exchange oral once and awhile. But he is so much more than I could have hoped for. Aside from sharing a birthday, he has become such a good friend and lover. I am so happy to call him secondary and I know that our relationship will do nothing but grow in the coming year. (Get it, I said coming. He appreciates me, don’t judge.)

I had sex with a woman. – I don’t really classify myself as bisexual. Women are beautiful and I appreciate their minds and bodies. I just don’t really have emotional connections with them like I do with men. The one woman I thought I loved broke my heart, so it’s not really anything I’ve looked for. Visiting California this fall was a wonderful chance to have my first threesome and experience a woman’s body. Jill is lovely and I appreciate her letting me have that connection with her. Certainly something I would love to do again.

I doubled my ‘slept with’ list. – Not only did I have my first same-sex sexual encounter this year, but I actually doubled the number of people I have slept with. I went from three to six. I know, I was shocked too. Not sure I will be able to do the same next year, but as that number hasn’t changed at all in the decade before this, I was impressed.

I finally stopped ‘fighting’ my submission. – Through everything that Sir (my husband) has been dealing with this year I kept coming back to whether or not I really needed submission. Maybe I could just turn it off and everything would be easier. It took me awhile, but I realized that that’s stupid. I’m a submissive. I always have been in one form or another and I know now that I always will be. And I have the power to submit to who I choose. I know these seem like obvious conclusions to reach, but it’s taken me awhile to get there.

As far as resolutions go I tend to be too optimistic. I set high expectations for myself and then hate myself by the end of January. I always want to lose weight and write more, so we’ll see how that goes. My 101 Things in 1001 Days ends this year, so there are several things to work toward on there. Lots more photos, reflection, and erotic writing to come. And, I’m sure, the continuing fight with my depression will appear from time to time. You know, to break up all the boob pics.

 

Poly Problem #72 – Distance

Obviously distance is not a problem for all poly relationships. Some polys all live together in the same house or see each other for regular dates. But no, I couldn’t do this the simple way. Finding a local poly guy who was interested in me in my local, conservative community was never going to happen. Even expanding the search area to the tri-county area wouldn’t yield positive results, though perhaps some pretty sketchy ones. No, I had to find a guy who I have a ton in common with, have a wonderful sarcastic rapport, and an amazing physical attraction. The catch is that he lives 2,500 miles away. And while a 38-hour drive (trust me, I’ve mapped it) sounds good most of the time, it doesn’t fit in my daily family responsibilities.

So, how should we get through this large gaps between our sexy visits? We talk everyday. Considering how well we generally get on and how much we just enjoy chatting, this helps a lot.  Having ‘regular life’ things in common like jobs, kids, and similar general annoyances, we can always strike up a conversation about something. Having a message when I get home from work about legos or something silly his daughter said always makes me smile. And being jealous of the photos of food help distract me from missing him.

There is the sexy stuff, obviously. The fact that he can make me feel sexy from three time zones away is amazing. And the videos of him stroking himself and moaning my name definitely help me get through the day. Having those videos and photos from our time together, while they do make me miss him, also make the distance seem doable. I smile as I flip through those memories and I know that they will happen again.

We also close the distance with lots of everyday photos. He likes to send me shots of him in the shower, getting ready to run errands, or cleaning. It seems mundane, but that’s why I love it. He makes me part of his everyday life. Sharing bad and good days helps us to support the other and our spouses. It’s all one big positive vibe.

Now I say that with only a small percentage of jest. Some days the distance is crushing. When I have a bad day at work or the kids just won’t go to bed I think how nice it would be to be hidden away in a hotel room with Jack. There are those moments when running away from responsibilities makes me look at flights to California. But usually just talking to him or my husband about my rough day makes it better. And having that support and encouragement from two people is wonderful.

I will say that distance poly, at least for me, is different from a ‘traditional’ long-distance relationship. Because my primary partner is a part of my everyday life, there isn’t the same loneliness. I still miss Jack terribly, but we get support from our spouses to help us through. And I don’t remember this much sexting from my previous relationships, though I may have been doing it wrong.