Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Boss Dom

Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.

She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.

However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.

This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.

The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.

So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.

This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.

Selfish Thoughts

How do we balance what we do for ourselves as opposed to what is best for our partner/family/future?

Vanilla example:

I was approached this week by local law firm and offered a job. The increase in pay is amazing. I would have my own office (a career goal of mine) and a job title more in line with degree. I would be creating and managing records, and being allowed to make decisions. It could be a fantastic opportunity for me to not just be another nameless face in a company. But, the benefits aren’t as good as what we have now. I would be leaving possibly a more stable pension as well as dental and vision. The health care coverage wouldn’t cover as much of our mental health meds and the co-pays are higher.
So do I leave my current job, which isn’t a bad job, for something with higher pay and more opportunity for me? Or do I say as the benefits would be better for my family?
I’ll admit, as a submissive, I struggle with this. And it’s times like this that I see it come out in my non-kink life. I want my family to be happy. If I switch jobs, I may be happier, but if it’s at their expense, then I don’t want it. I thought if I took the job that I would take some of the money I received from Christmas and go buy a few new outfits. As soon as I thought it I immediately felt guilty for even thinking about spending money on myself.

Kink example:

Is being a submissive, in general, selfish? Now that I know that my husband doesn’t consider himself dominant it just seems selfish to pursue it. Especially since he’s be supportive of my relationship with Jack. My submission does make me happy, and I guess a happier me does affect my relationship with my husband and my kids. But is that enough? Should I just be happy with what I have?
I’m sure this can’t just be an issue for submissives, women, or mothers. I guess it just always seems to me that other people have a handle on it so much better than I do. Co-workers get their nails done or go shopping as a treat for themselves and not feel guilty. My mother bought herself a new car with her last promotion.
My submission is colliding with the vanilla part of my life this week. My husband is pushing me to very non-submissive actions. And the decision to switch jobs is becoming more complicated. I think I am playing over these thoughts a lot more than twice.
I need a drink.
Read about everyone else’s (probably sexier) posts about second thoughts today by clicking below.
Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Updates on Life

House fireplaceIt’s been a crazy few months, but things are finally settling down around here. We’ve been in the house for almost two months now. The contractors are done and gone. Our kitchen is well and truly lived in, though I try and clear the counters completely at least once a week. My dad is donating his time one day a week this summer to help finish up little projects around the house. It’s been really helpful to finish the trim painting and getting things done. The fireplace he did for us out of barn wood from my great-grandfathers farm is amazing. I can’t decide if it’s out of place in our more modern kitchen or not. Honestly, I don’t really care.

Starting Picture of Rye before diet
Starting Picture

I’ve started the diet and exercise in earnest. My twitter support group, #fwocrew, is amazing. And I’m working with the twitter boyfriend on dieting and counting calories. I’m only down about 15 pounds so far, but in only two months I am pretty happy with it. And the inches I’ve lost on my thighs are noticeable enough in my dress pants too. Hopefully I will get this set as a new lifestyle and get down to my goal weight by next year. It’s not easy. I fucking love ranch dressing.

I started a new job about five weeks ago. I still have my business, but I quit my work from home job. I get out of the house now, and I have nice clothes. It’s a bit crazy. But the work is interesting and I’m learning a lot. It’s not a ton of money, but there is potential there. And I like what I’m doing, so that counts for a lot. Sir and I are both out of the house during the day now, which makes it difficult for everything to be cleaned and neat all the time. But we’re managing.

Rye in BDSM sceneKink is another story. That reads poorly. We’re still enjoying all our kinky fun. It’s a little less consistent, but that’s just life. And we’ll spin it in a positive way and say it’s more spontaneous instead. We have started to make steps towards more of an open marriage relationship. Right now that has only had me playing with one other person (not a wonderful experience), but we’re taking it slow.

I am super excited for my trip in October though. I’ve been in contact (shamelessly flirting) with a guy on twitter for awhile now. So this fall I am flying out to spend two days with him and his wife. Even if it ends up being a fun visit with friends and a mini-break it will still be amazing. However, I am expecting some amazing sex and my first threesome. Great pictures and my first trip to the west coast. It will be fantastic no matter what. After I see them I am taking a coastal train down to L.A. to see my cousin who moved out there last year. She is like a little sister to me and it will be great to see her. There may be a matching tattoo trip as well (pictures might will follow).

So that’s a good all around basic update, right? The house, the job, sex, and upcoming fun. The kids are going to grandma’s tonight, so Sir and are hoping for some play time and a chance to sleep in tomorrow. If I make it to 7am I will call it a win, but Sir says getting up because you want to and not because you have to is the point. And he said it, so it must be true 🙂

Working Woman

I head out this morning to my first real client for my business. They aren’t related to me or anything. Okay, they are friends of mine, but it still counts as I am being paid. My bank account is up and I am happy to get going. So we’ll see how it goes. Going from a part-time job to a full-time job and a business is a a challenge. But it’s amazing.

I feel so good. I’m busy. Sleep is overrated anyway. But I feel like I’m contributing to the family and even though I have less time with the kids, the time I do have is more positive. I’m happy and calm rather than stressed out and frazzled like I have been. I think the weight loss is helping too, though I’m not sure which is the catalyst for the other.

It’s just generally been a really positive experience so far. Working has always been important for me, and Sir has supported that. As much as the thought of being a 24/7 kept slave sounds amazing, most of me knows that it really wouldn’t be. I’d love the control, but I’m not sure it would work out how we both would want it do. And with two boys appetites growing exponentially, having two incomes is quickly becoming a necessity.

So we’ll see what happens with my business. It will probably just stay an evenings and weekends thing for awhile. My full-time job has insurance and that is important for us right now. Eventually I would love to be able to work for myself full-time, but I’m not sure I have enough friends to pay for that.

Work Force

I guess I already am part of the work force. I went back to work when the 22mo was about 6mo old (last March). I’ve just been working from home, and only part-time. But as we have settled in to the new house and the kids are doing well with their summer program and then school this fall, Sir and I have decided that I can start looking for a job outside the home.

It was quite the boost of self-confidence when I got a call for an interview after my second application. I found a job that I think will be very interesting for me. Something to keep my interest and a new skill set to learn. It would give our family health insurance, which would be great as Sir sets up his firm this fall. Even though the pay isn’t amazing, just having that expense covered would be huge. And the interview went great. They were impressed with my background and the two departments with openings seemed to fight over me as HR sat between them. It was a great feeling that really helped to shake off the nervousness for the rest of our meeting. They even called to set-up a second interview the same day.

But as good as it felt, I’m really trying not to jump the gun. And even if everything clicks into place and I get the position, there is still a long way to go. After being home (even working from home) for the past two years, the general chore routines have been set to where I do all the cooking, cleaning, and errands that need to be done. It has worked well as we have worked through more lax and strict D/s dynamics. Being a 24/7 slave is a lot easier when you’re home all day. And even though Sir and I aren’t in a Master/slave dynamic right now, it was an option before. If I am working full-time outside the home, I’m not sure I could keep up with all the cleaning and cooking without help. A lot of the yard work and even meal prep could be done on the weekends, but I am already worrying about getting behind.

I think part of me is worried about adding a piece of my life that can’t be kinky. Something that Sir can’t be in control of. It will be good for my self-worth and self-confidence to be contributing more to our finances. I just don’t relish the thought of even less time with Sir. With the boys and his work we hardly have any time now.

*                       *                          *                           *

I wrote the above on Wednesday evening. Then I had my second interview yesterday morning. She offered me one of the two open positions after about ten minutes and we spent the rest of the time trying to work out how quickly I could start. It was nice to feel loved, but at the same time quite overwhelming. I had been thinking about all the little things that I would like to get done around the house by the end of June. Now I start work on Monday. I have three days to get our house in order for me to be done for the bulk of the day. Meal prep, cleaning, shopping.

I’m happy about it. I think this will be really good for me. The kids and Sir are currently acting like nothing is different. But I feel like a new person. Maybe we can actually celebrate over the weekend.

Either way, I think this new job completely cements my position in the house as the last one to fall asleep at night and the first one out of bed in the morning. There will, sadly, just be less naked in between. My I will treat myself today by going to Starbucks, buying the lowest-calorie drink I can find, and trying to find some professional clothes to get me through the next few weeks. I am hoping to loose a lot more weight before I plateau, so I don’t want to buy a lot of tight fitting stuff, but we’ll see.

But don’t worry, this blog is here to stay. I am even hoping to keep writing every day as I find it so cathartic. So you are still stuck with this working girl. Just with more work quotes and hopefully just as much sex.

Begging for Control

Control is an odd thing for me as far as a kink. I cannot really explain it without sounding really selfish, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that that is okay sometimes.

I love rules and structure. I hate surprises. So knowing exactly what he expects of me is a kind of gooey comfort that I can’t adequately explain.

But the biggest thing about control that drives my kink, is the attention. It seems backward, I know. I guess I should be saying that control is my favorite kink because it’s an opportunity to serve Sir and be what he wants me to be (blah blah blah). The reality is, it’s a totally selfish thing. If he is in control with rules and restrictions, then he has to be paying attention to me. He has to check in with me and he has to be aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like Sir can go adrift in the evenings and not have any idea what I’m doing or what I managed to accomplish during the day. And I’m not looking for validation or ego-stroking with everything I do, a simple understanding of my daily tasks would be huge. If he was setting them and monitoring them, I think that would not only help my motivation, but also my mood.

A lot of self-reflection as I’ve dabbled with submission in all areas of my life has shown me that I want and benefit from control. Being held accountable for my diet, exercise, and work is necessary to see good results. One of the only places that I have noticed that I can motivate and control myself is with my own business. I want to work on that. I want to make it amazing. I know that makes it sound like I don’t care about other stuff, I do. I care if the house is clean and how much exercise I get, but admittedly, it’s not the same kind of gratification I get when something that I created does well. It’s just easier to motivate myself to do something I really love to do.

Control during sex is pretty obvious for me. Holding my hair while I suck cock. Smacking or punch my ass while taking me from behind. Nothing makes me gooey faster than ordering me to kneel, even in the middle of the day. But control in other aspects of my life have quickly taken on more significance. I’m still working to make it less about attention and more about Sir’s benefit. And I’m always curious to see how people use control in their ‘vanilla’ lives. Even if Sir and I cannot have a 24/7 D/s relationship right now, I love trying different control aspects outside the bedroom to see how they fit for us. Hopefully it will help us add things slowly when we do eventually have the time. Until then I will kneel happily at every ‘good girl’ I receive.

Finally Friday

More work meetings at the head office today. But it does mean the kids get some grandma time and Sir and I get a night in a hotel tonight. Always excited about that. Hoping for lots of fun photos and memories. I’m sure we’ll eat dinner pretty quickly so we can get back to the room.

I am also getting another installment of my sleeve tattoo today. Quite excited that it’s coming along. With the possible move in the next year, I really want to make sure I get it done incase my work trips stop or get more spread out.

For those keeping track, the house search is going well. I did a big viewing afternoon with my mom on Wednesday. It was exhausting but good. We are taking Sir and my dad to see a place for the second time on Sunday. It has a lot of potential. We’ll see what Sir thinks of it. None so far have really had the play space that he wants, but once the kids move out we can transform one of their rooms.

The job search is going crappy. Somehow I cannot seem to find anyone who will pay me to stay home and clean my house naked. Not sure what the world is coming to. But I am still trying to stay positive and keep applying to things. My current job isn’t that bad, but not enough hours and not enough pay for two growing boys. Putting yourself out there with resumes is so much harder than putting yourself in someone else’s hands as a sub. You have to make others know you and like you with a few lines and a resume. It’s hard for me, even though I consider myself a good writer, to talk myself up in a cover letter like that.

Anyway, salted carmel mocha in hand I will start the day with energy. Even wore one of my lacey push up bras for extra confidence. Hope Sir doesn’t rip it when he tears it off tonight. These things are not cheap.

 

 

Selling Myself (not just my body, sorry)

So I am applying for a job. A real job. An out of the house, salaried, have to put on a bra job.
I want a career. Don’t get me wrong, this last year has been amazing. I’ve appreciated this time with my kids and having a real maternity leave (with my first son I got five weeks). But I have always had professional goals, long before I became a sub. Eventually I may end up being a kept slave, but right now that’s not really in the cards. We have two boys to raise and student loan debt to pay. Sir works hard, but financial stability would be a lot easier if I was contributing. Right now my part-time paycheck hardly covers the boy’s daycare. And having some extra money for lube and sex camps is never a bad thing.
But there is a small problem. And it is already starting. Sir is getting excited. So is my mom; so am I. The problem with this is that there is no guarantee that I will get it. There is no guarantee that I will even get an interview. But excitement is hard to stamp out. My mom is looking at the local schools and the housing market. Sir is considering how feasible it is to open his firm there. It all sounds great. But if I don’t get it I will feel like I let them down. Job searching has always been a huge depression trigger for me. You’re really putting yourself out there. Like telling someone you’re interested in them, and they respond with ‘no, thanks’.
And here is the big problem that makes the small problem small. I am terrible at job applications. My cover letters are a mess. I cannot talk about myself like that. Selling my skills and attributes is really difficult. Talking to you all about anal sex is easy. Trying to convey that I am the best person for this amazing opportunity is tough. If I can get an interview I can usually do well. Only once have I gotten an interview and not gotten the job. But if I can’t impress them on paper, they’ll never be intrigued enough to want to meet me.
I am good. I have an amazing work ethic and am a quick learner. I am that team player that will pick up everyone else’s slack so that we meet our deadline. I am organized and thoughtful and always willing to stay late or arrive early. I bring a wealth of experience and a unique set of skills while always being willing to learn.
But that doesn’t read well. Ugh. Maybe I just need to start paying the lottery.

My Clark Kent

I’m kind of an exhibitionist. I’m fine to post pictures of me completely naked, or tell really embarrassing and sordid stories about myself. Everyone has bits of themselves that they aren’t comfortable with and stories where they don’t come out looking great. I guess I just find that people commiserate with my body image issues and I can help push past them by posting pictures I actually like.

But that is me. CollaredMom is an adjective, not an identity. Being submissive is who I am, and I’m pretty open about it. My persona online is a protection for my family and our life.

Sir has been very supportive of my blog. He enjoys reading my interpretation of our scenes and personal issues that I am dealing with. It’s been a great way for us to communicate and address issues that arise between us. But there are limits in how much he is exposed.

He is an attorney. I’m not really sure what else I need to say.

He has been very cautious about how his professional and personal life meet. And while he supports my comfort and willingness to tell you every facet of our lives, he has to play his hand a little closer to his chest. He isn’t ashamed, but he has to consider his clients and his reputation.

So I can’t use names (obviously). My twitter feed has to be limited on information and I can’t post pictures of our faces. I’m not sure I have even posted a picture of Sir at all. I can be general, but I have to be careful. A few times I have had to go back and edit posts per his order to remove information he found too specific.

I understand his point. I get that while I am fine for people to know who I am and I am not worried about judgement or comment, he cannot be so flippant with his lifestyle choices. He isn’t ashamed of me or our relationship, that’s all that matters to me. And I will follow his rules however he likes.

With that in mind, if you happen to know me, or something in my post (or photos) leads you to ‘discover’ our secret identities, please keep it to yourself. I appreciate you respecting my Sir’s wishes to remain anonymous in his public life.

Some secret identities need to be kept secret.

 

Wicked Wednesday