Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

All the Wrong Reasons

I really want to experience a threesome. Sex with multiple people at the same time seems like such an interesting, possibly overwhelming moment in time. To be able to be myself with two people (I would love to be a part of a MMF or a MFF threesome). The idea of it generally turns me on, and then I start to fantasize about a person to play with along with Sir, or a couple to play with without him. All the hands, lips, and sweat. I have had several fantasies, even written about one specific one I’ve had several times.

But here’s the thing, the really terrible thing:

I think the reasons I want a threesome are all awful. The idea of being the center of attention. But that’s not right, it’s supposed to be about pleasing others. And it’s not like I don’t want to. I’m usually really over emotional. I fall in love too fast and I take everything very personally. But the idea of sex with two people turns me into this selfish slut. I want their hands all over me. I want to reach out and touch, suckle, and stroke into flesh and not know who it belongs to. I want to make them moan, but only for my own selfish vanity of knowing that I could. That I was sexy enough to arouse two people at the same time.

Up until recently I had some very closed-minded views regarding sex. I really wanted an emotional connection with the person I was sleeping with. I wanted to be in love. And the idea of being in love with two people always seemed impossible to me, so sleeping with two people was immediately off the table. I expect a focus on me from my partner emotionally, so physically it just made sense. But the last few years have changed that. I still want the focus, but the mindset of what sex is and what it can be have be altered drastically.

Sex can be about a moment. It can be about sharing an experience with a person or people and just enjoying that time together. It’s not about a fairy tale ending where you are best friends forever or marriages are planned. Creating memories of people and sharing that sexuality in those moments can be just as amazing. And it’s not like you sleep with someone you hate. Even those I have fantasies about I talk with and flirt with. I have a connection with them, I would have a stronger one before I slept with them, but that doesn’t mean that I love them. Or that I want to love them. I want to enjoy the friendship I have created by sharing my sexuality with them. I think that is a nice thing, though I am afraid it sounds bad.

I want to kiss someone while someone else licks my pussy. I want to try a spit roast. I want to make a man watch while I make his wife scream. But I want it for me. I want to share myself with Sir and others because I think it I have something to give.

And here’s the other really terrible thing: that’s ok. That threesome, when I ever get it, if I ever it, will be about me. I will enjoy it for how it makes me feel. How that experience will change my sexual outlook forever. And the fact that that is thrilling and not scary to me just proves to me how far I’ve come. That me admitting a selfish thought doesn’t immediately make me feel guilty. And I hope that the others who take part in that threesome do it for themselves too. Sharing parts of ourselves for others to enjoy create a moment that benefits everyone.

So maybe I want it for the wrong reasons. Maybe Sir won’t want to share me with another if he doesn’t think it’s about him enjoying two women. Maybe the couple I fantasize about will be turned off when they read this. And while that would suck, at least I’m being honest about my feelings and desires. Sharing myself and experiencing two people’s sexual energy at the same time is a moment that I hope is in future. In a round about way it does come back to love. I love myself enough to not judge my own desires. And what those desires could become could be amazing memories,….fucking hot ones.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Happy Slave Place

DSCN1545

Happy places can be mental. A head space that one can call upon when needed to get them through a stressful or emotional situation. Usually coffee helps me through these. But for me, my true happy place is where I can just relax. Not have to worry about screaming children or mounting bills. Where I can think about nothing at all if I want to. This is a physical space for me rather than a mood or idea. Doing a relaxing activity can help; I enjoy sewing or reading. But these really only help for a short period. And Sir was becoming frustrated with my poor mood every day when he got home. He had enough stress with work and needed me to be a my best. So we both knew that I needed to try and find whatever it was that provided that place of calm and rejuvenation.

DSCN1546Over the last few years that place has been harder and harder to find. Everyone always wants something and I’ve run out of hiding places. Sir’s wants and needs are important to me, but those are a joy to give. Sir wants me to have a quiet place where he knows that I will rest. I can’t be my best slave when I am at my worst. So he decided that I needed a place where I could get into the right head space. He decided that sleeping next to him every night wasn’t good for me.

DSCN1547I’ve been sleeping on the floor on and off for the last four months now. And I can honestly say it has been some of the best sleep I’ve ever had. I am still right next to Sir; he can reach me if he needs anything. I always ask him if he requires anything before I fall asleep. But after he gives me leave to go to sleep I rarely lay awake for more than a few minutes.

It’s just a happy spot. I can stretch out. I don’t have to worry about stealing the blanket. I can lay on my soft pallet and see Sir’s collection of belts. It’s a very calming. For me it’s a representation of how much Sir cares about me. And how that manifests itself in different ways. DSCN1551Even a year ago, if you had told me that Sir loves me enough to order me to sleep on the floor I would have called you a fool (probably several expletives thrown in there too).
But it is a constant surprise to me how well he knows exactly what I need. Even when I don’t. I would never have thought that sleeping on the floor would put me in a happy place head space, but it does. Give me a book and a cup of coffee and I could spend my life there. Occasionally brought up on the bed for a suck and a fuck and back to my happy place I would go.

 

Click below to read about others’ happy places for this week’s Wicked Wednesday.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Polyamory

The idea of poly is something I have always struggled with. I am monogamous. So I like to think that it wasn’t judgement, but it probably was. Poly was something that I never understood. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but I just always asked the wrong questions.

So when Kink University did a piece on Polyamory I almost didn’t even click it. I figured it was something that just wasn’t relevant for me to know, like the violet wand video (though that was more wishfully irrelevant). But I kept looking at it, and finally realized that maybe I just need an education.

And it’s crazy how right I was. The different facets of poly relationships and how they can work was very interesting. And they did a good job explaining how you can try to make them work with a monogamous partner.

As a person who was raised in a monogamous atmosphere I was always concerned that polyamory meant that I wasn’t enough. That there was something wrong with me. But it’s not about me. It’s about what people can bring to each other. And maybe I can’t be everything that he wants.

The other thing that I found interesting was sex drives. Sometimes his sex drive doesn’t match my own. Could I consider a polyamory relationship with someone else? He often feels like he has to try and keep up with me and I know that that is stressful. But would it be more stressful to have me go be with someone else to satisfy my sexual urges? And when would I find the time? I often feel like I am not doing a good job for him. With Sir, two kids and a dog, can I really take on the responsibility of another person’s happiness? Maybe that’s my monogamous brain again. I don’t know.

Even if I don’t encourage Sir to get a girlfriend any time soon, learning about the poly lifestyle was positive. We may try swinging or add others to our play in the future and knowing the pitfalls and possibilities is refreshing. But knowing the terminology and set up of others’ relationships is half the battle.

How to feel better

A co-worker will commiserate with you about how the person who poured the last cup should have made more coffee.

A friend will stay up all night talking to you about how he wasn’t right for you and you are better off without him.

A parent will tell you that you’ll get another interview and something better is on the horizon.

A lover will surprise you naked with wine and rose petals after a hard day at the office.

A spouse will hold your hand before you go into surgery to let you know that it will be alright.

A Dom will beat you to tears, because you asked for the release and forgiveness it gives you. And he will know when you are going to ask for it.

But HE bought and delivered me McDonald’s breakfast because I had a bad day yesterday and he wants me to have an amazing day today.

And I will.

 

More Conversations

After yesterday’s post Sir and I had a lot to say to one another. Sir felt like I was depicting him as an uncaring asshole. He wasn’t mad, he was just worried that that was really what I thought. For the record, Sir has been amazing regarding my insecurities. He has wants and needs, but he will always be my husband first. We are traveling down this road together, and we will continue to do so.

Conversations are important. While I will sometimes finish a talk not feeling great, or possibly more confused, those conversations still teach me things about Sir and myself.

So we’ll keep talking. We’ll keep fantasizing about a day when we are both comfortable with a third. But there is not a deadline on it; in fact, it may never happen.

But Sir said something important after reading my interpretation of several of our conversations:

Playing with others is a desire, not a need. You are a need.

I love him more than anything. He can make any freak out turn into a wonderful moment that brings us together.

Sometimes talking is just a higher level of intimacy.

A stream of tears

I hurt so much for Jade this morning. I can’t imagine going through anything like what she has been through the last few months.

I just can’t understand or wrap my head around anything that has happened. All I know is that no one deserves that. I believe in the last few moments of time that people have on this earth, they should be allowed to be with whoever they wish. They should be allowed to say goodbye and those that love them should be allowed to say goodbye too. How, or why a person loves who they love is not the point. It’s not up for debate or judgement. It’s about making a memory of a person who is leaving the happiest it can be. So that when you miss them, you can be comforted that they knew they were loved.

I’m just going to sit here today and cry for her. Hug my baby, my dog, my coffee cup and pretend that I could hug her and make it okay.

I will be better tomorrow. I will have yelled and ranted at anyone who will listen (probably just the dog) today. But my heart will continue hurt for Jade for a long time. And I believe that Warren will find a way to tell Jade goodbye that no can take from her. Because I can live in world that houses the injustice of what has happened, but I cannot live in a world where love doesn’t win.

For Sir

“You are a sin. A beautiful imperfection. I took a wrong turn and I found you. You are the black dot on the canvas of my life. Yet, your blackness gave birth to my light. –Anita Krizzan

I knew of Sir in college. He was in various circles of friends, but I only rarely saw him on campus. He would tell me later that he was attracted to me freshman year, but I was seeing someone else. We did semesters abroad in different countries, had completely different majors. Our senior year we lived in the same building, but different suites. And then my wrong turn.

I had a one night stand. My one strike out at trying new things and going with the moment. I was not prepared for the emotional fallout that I would have. And I turned to my roommate and long-time friend for help. I needed support and someone to tell me that I was still worth something. That I was not a horrible person for one bad decision. That damn Disney childhood came back to bite me in the ass. But my roommate wasn’t there. It wasn’t all her fault, but she was dealing with a lot of depression issues. It still hurt that couldn’t make me a priority when I was always there for her.

So I ventured out. I forced myself to be more social and spend time with friends to help me shake my general funk. And he was there. He made me laugh and we talked a lot. He just showed me that I was still a person and it was going to be okay. That was a big thing for me. And after this we were just inseparable. My upcoming trip to England for two weeks will be the longest we have ever been apart.

We have gotten one another through so much. He always encourages me to break the rules, except his own. His dirty thoughts have inspired many more of my own. He may be a black dot on my canvas, but he’s a pretty big dot. And my life is better for his darkness.

I love you Sir. Things are hard right now, we have so much to balance. But please stay in the dark with me. Your darkness makes my light shine brighter.