Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Clink

I heard the leash snap onto my collar over all the music in the entryway as we entered the party. I stared at the new physical connection between Master and I. It was so comforting in the crowded space to know that he wanted to keep me close. It was easy to follow him through the dancing and playing groups with my eyes down. He stopped a few times to say hi to friends. A few subs squeezed my hand to say hello. I recognized them and squeezed back. Hopefully Master will let me catch up with them later this evening. But if he wants me close all night I will happily stare at my leash.

Master stopped and gave a slight tug. I dropped to the floor. I felt him sit on the ottoman behind me and strike up a conversation with a Domme that had just moved to our area. He ran his hands through my hair as he talked to her about good butchers and playgrounds where we like to take the kids. His fingers and voice were so calming that I felt myself relax into the floor; another few minutes and I would fall asleep. He leaned down and bit my shoulder. He always knows.

He stood as the Domme sent her sub to fetch another drink. I waited for the instructional tug to tell me to stand up, but it never came. So when he started back toward another Dom calling his name, I crawled as fast as I could to keep up. The leash pulled as I slowed to avoid legs and bodies in front of me, but Master didn’t change pace or course. I was so focused on keeping up with him I almost ran into his legs when he did eventually stop. My cues are all physical, so I was trying not to listen to his conversation with a Dom whose voice I didn’t recognize. He was asking Master questions about training. He wanted Master to watch him and his sub and give critique. I was soon crawling frantically again as they walked through the party to a back room. When we stopped he bent down in front of me.

“I am going into this room. You will wait out here until I return. I am going to attach your leash to the door and you are not to move. You will not speak to anyone. If you have a medical emergency you may knock on the door for assistance. Do you understand pet?”

“Yes Master”

“Good girl.” He handed me a bottle of water and stood up. I felt a pat on my head and watched as he attached the leash to the door knob. As he disappeared into the room I settled back on my heels to find a comfortable position. Not knowing how long I would be there, I wanted to make sure my legs didn’t tighten up so I could crawl or walk at a moments notice. But I wanted to use this quiet time that Master had given me to remember his ownership.

I chose to watch the leash swing from my neck to the door. Tied to him always, even when he’s not there. Ready and waiting for his eventual return.

Kink of the Week

Spoiled

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I’m not saying this to make Sir feel bad, but I don’t think he ever bought me pretty underwear before D/s. I have a large selection to wearable, white, hold everything in bras. Like a mom, I guess.

Welcome to color and push-up.

Trying to be humble, but I don’t think they have ever looked better. I certainly have never felt sexier. For him.

Sinful Sunday

My Clark Kent

I’m kind of an exhibitionist. I’m fine to post pictures of me completely naked, or tell really embarrassing and sordid stories about myself. Everyone has bits of themselves that they aren’t comfortable with and stories where they don’t come out looking great. I guess I just find that people commiserate with my body image issues and I can help push past them by posting pictures I actually like.

But that is me. CollaredMom is an adjective, not an identity. Being submissive is who I am, and I’m pretty open about it. My persona online is a protection for my family and our life.

Sir has been very supportive of my blog. He enjoys reading my interpretation of our scenes and personal issues that I am dealing with. It’s been a great way for us to communicate and address issues that arise between us. But there are limits in how much he is exposed.

He is an attorney. I’m not really sure what else I need to say.

He has been very cautious about how his professional and personal life meet. And while he supports my comfort and willingness to tell you every facet of our lives, he has to play his hand a little closer to his chest. He isn’t ashamed, but he has to consider his clients and his reputation.

So I can’t use names (obviously). My twitter feed has to be limited on information and I can’t post pictures of our faces. I’m not sure I have even posted a picture of Sir at all. I can be general, but I have to be careful. A few times I have had to go back and edit posts per his order to remove information he found too specific.

I understand his point. I get that while I am fine for people to know who I am and I am not worried about judgement or comment, he cannot be so flippant with his lifestyle choices. He isn’t ashamed of me or our relationship, that’s all that matters to me. And I will follow his rules however he likes.

With that in mind, if you happen to know me, or something in my post (or photos) leads you to ‘discover’ our secret identities, please keep it to yourself. I appreciate you respecting my Sir’s wishes to remain anonymous in his public life.

Some secret identities need to be kept secret.

 

Wicked Wednesday

Throw me a raft

Monday night I had this dream. It’s like Titanic. Water is coming from everywhere and I am running up the stairs. But every time I make it to the top step water comes in and pushes me down. Then the whole thing starts over on a different floor. Always on the top step.

I woke up completely freaked out. Trapped. My last counselor tried to get me into breaking down my dreams. So, I’m laying there in bed and all that keeps pounding in my head is that this dream is telling me that I’m drowning. That all attempts I am making to better my life aren’t working and I am really just killing myself.

Needless to say that I didn’t sleep for the rest of night. And yesterday was awful. I spent all morning trying to make sense of my life and our future goals. Nothing worked, so eventually I found myself calling Sir at work, balling uncontrolably.

He’s worried about me. My depression slumps are worsening. I can’t pull myself out of them like I used to either. Just life stressors and being overwhelmed by everything. I used to be really good at this.

So, after calming down and looking at new counselor and medication options, I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better.

Family goals for next year include buying a house, getting Sir’s business up and running, getting the toddler ready for preschool. But right now I need to focus on goals to fix me. And I hate that. I hate attention on myself when I have a family to take care of. Like I’m shirking my responsibilities or something.

But as much as I hate it, I need to get my goals sorted, or I will just hold everything else back.

And it’s weird, but the kink is fine. I am my true happy self when I kneel for him. Now I just need to get that mindset all the time.

Wicked Wednesday

Death and Taxes

Welcome to TMI Tuesday. In the U.S. it is tax season, tax reports are due April 15.

There’s Nothing Sexy About Taxes

taxes_tmi

Wherever you are in the world, assuming you all pay taxes–income or other types, answer the following questions.

1. Are taxes levied where you live?

Federal, State, and City. Grump.

2. Do you pay your taxes?

Yep. I mean really, who is going to admit if they don’t pay them?

3. This year will you owe taxes or do you expect a refund?

We actually got a refund from both federal and state. It helped that we had a baby last year. I’m sure next year will be closer.

4. Have you already filed your taxes?

Yep. We have had the same accountant for the last four years. She is amazing. Great price and she is the most professional person. She doesn’t even live on our state anymore

5. You are getting a tax refund, which ONE of these would you most likely do with the money?
a. pay off credit cards
b. contribute to retirement savings
c. go on vacation
d. shop for something (car, clothes, household items, etc)

All over the place with those. We have talked taking a vacation this summer (C), Sir hasn’t really had one since before law school. But we also paid off some credit cards (A) and we did a little shopping (D); we bought a stockpile of diapers and a few fun things on Amazon.

6. Sometimes you just need to have frivolous, and if you get a windfall from a tax refund, which of ONE of these things would you most likely do? Why?
a. have a big party
b. loan it to family or a friend
c. spend a weekend at an adults-only erotic resort
d. gamble (Lottery tickets, casino)

I would love (C). I’m not a gambler and I don’t currently have friends asking for money. I don’t really do parties. I am social, but I tend to get really anxious. I like to plan those events, not necessarily host them. And, if I could get someone to watch the kids, I would really love to go to an event or erotic weekend. Sir and I could really use that. Something with a few classes or play parties.

Bonus: If you could be a circus performer, which act would you be? (I know, soooo random!)

I love to dance. I would say acrobat, but not a tight-rope walker. I would love to be in one of those troupes that swings from fabric and does hand stands on each other. My kids could be clowns.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Beginnings

As is often in my life, beginnings start with an admission. A realization about myself that alters my way of thinking and changes my path. BDSM was/is no different. As Sir pushes me to submit in all things, I have to accept and embrace certain truths in order to succeed.

Namely, that I am high maintenance. I think I tried to fake low maintenance when I was young. I wanted to seem aloof for guys and my friends. I wasn’t very successful. Sir claims he saw right through me. He doesn’t seem to mind, but it drives me up the wall.

I need positive re-enforcement. I need outside motivation. I need to be told/shown that I am enough for him and that I make him happy. Now, I guess, if he knows this, then he can just give me a pat on the head once and awhile and be on his way. But, add low self-esteem to my maintenance levels and you have a recipe for disaster.

That entire previous paragraph seems crazy to me. I mean, I lived alone, in another country for several months. Shouldn’t I be completely self sufficient? Is this something that will worsen with age? Or is this just a manifestation of my fears that I won’t be a good sub and he’ll eventually want to drop the whole thing? None of those are good.

But I’m panicking over nothing. He has not made any comment of dissatisfaction. He has been supportive of my depression waves as I deal with postpartum and looking for/being constantly rejected from various jobs. Just because my requirements are so high, doesn’t mean that he isn’t doing everything he can to help.

So, I’ve come around to the beginning again. Possibly a forced a beginning, but those can be the best kind. I need to make a change in how I look at difficulties in my life. I know I can’t wish away the ‘high maintenance me’. I would if I could. But I do need to look at all the growth I have done since I realized how happy I could be as a submissive. Look at everything that this has given me. And in moments of weakness, I need to remember it. Beginning to step back from what I perceive as personal failures and look at them merely as steps to find a better way; that will make a difference.

I wasn’t happy with my sex life. I was depressed and felt unworthy and unattractive. So I started venturing out from my standard romance novel (a fairytale never to be achieved) and I started reading modern erotica. Eventually stumbling on several BDSM authors and some wonderful stories about women finding their submissive side. If I wasn’t frustrated and unhappy with my sexual relationship, I never would have stumbled onto it’s salvation. I never would have found the one thing in my life right now that keeps me grounded. And Sir and I would never have learned to connect and trust like we do.

So, sometimes things have to go wrong before they can be right. Sometimes that hurdle that you never think you’ll get over, is right before the finish line.

 

Wicked Wednesday

TMI: WTH is she Thinking?!

creative brain_tmi

1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?
Can I be both? I’m all about being used for demonstrations. But I am the organizer. So I would try and deal with all the details too.

2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.
I’m a clear instructions gal. Sir would most likely have to give me step-by-step directions. Especially if it includes play with other people.

3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”
Very true. If I’m doing something to hinder Sir’s pleasure, or I could be doing something better. I want to know.

4. What are you wearing right now?
I’m a mom, working from home with two kids. I’m wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a comfy warm cardigan. If the kids weren’t here, I would walk around naked. And I’m sure Sir would have me clamped and stuffed and all kinds of gooey. But, for now, my gooey begins and ends with baby food in my hair.

5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .
Happily giving him everything that he needs, wants, desires. Or, more realistically, I

6. Do you always have to argue?
Normally, I would say no. But, last night Sir asked me a question and I got defensive. Like, really defensive. I’m not sure where it came it from. Most of the time I’m pretty docile. So, I’ll stick to no right now, with a caveat for my period and randomness that I’m sure Sir will beat out of me.

Bonus: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads: ________ .

Jared nodded with a smile, and she reached in her purse and produced her keys. “Mi casa es su casa”.

When In Doubt, Add Butter by Beth Harbison

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI: Spring the Season of Love

1. Spring vacation, will you take one? Where?

I already had my spring vacation, I guess. The boys and I went to the United Kingdom for two weeks to visit my parents in Mid-February. I’m not sure that counts as spring though. No real plans for another vacation any time soon though. I would love it if Sir and I could get away somewhere for a few days, but we’ll have to see how his work schedule sorts itself out.

2. Do you become friskier as the temperatures outside heat up?

To a point. When we get to the time of year that the heat doesn’t have to be on all the time and we don’t have to sleep with the covers tucked up under our chins, that will certainly help. But then you hit that temperature where you are just so hot that you don’t want anything to touch you; I’m finding it hard to remember that right now with all the snow outside.

3. Do you flirt more in spring vs. other times of the year?

I would say yes. I pull out the skirts when we get to spring. Long or short, without under ware I tend to get more extroverted with the flirting.

4. Do you dress sexier in the spring?

Again, I would say yes with more skirts. I shave all year for Sir, but when I start wearing dresses I spend a little more time on it. And I think sandals are a lot sexier than boots. That be said, never doubt the sex factor of a pair of fluffy slippers.

5. What day of the week do you have sex most often?

Probably Friday. Sir isn’t worried about getting up the next morning for work, so he’s willing to stay up later to play. 

6. Do you use kissing as an important way to test out a new mate? Good kissers, keep and move forward to another stage in a budding relationship. Bad kissers, get pruned and dumped.

I would say that I do. I haven’t had a very long list of mates, but being a good kisser is definitely a deal breaker. Of course, I will admit, I’m not really the best kisser. I know, I know, quite the hypocrite. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I get my face centered well and I always have to pull back to breathe. And I tend to get distracted really easy. Moving to kissing the neck, chest, or other tasty bits can often force the lips to take a back seat. Something I need to work on as Sir really enjoys a good make-out session.

7. What do you expect from marriage?
a. safety and solidarity and security
b. a journey towards self-fulfillment and self-actualization with a partner that ‘gets’ you.

I think that it is A as we embark on B. Sir and I really do ‘get’ each other for the most part. And he has been exceedingly supportive of everything from my career to me wanting to be his slave. But I don’t think I would have felt comfortable with any of that without a certain about of safety and security in our lives. We still have a lot up in the air, especially as I re-enter the work force, but that balance of solidarity and ‘getting me’ is what makes us work so well.
8. Acts of love & kindness. Which would mean more to you:
a. Taking your partner a cup of tea in bed (or receiving that cup of tea)
b. Giving or receiving a box of chocolates or flowers

I’m a big gift giver. When I see something that Sir (or my mom, or the kids) would really like, I am likely to buy it. Usually nothing expensive, but I do make an effort to be thoughtful about why I think they would like it. However, I would have to go with A on this one. Especially as we have both been sick this last week, the effort and care to prepare and deliver a cup of tea was difficult for me. And I know he appreciated it and recognized the love in the action.
Bonus: In your late teens or early 20s did you take wild spring break vacations with friends? What is the wildest, craziest, sexiest thing you did on a “gone wild” spring break?

No vacations to south Florida for me. My aunt and uncle live in Fort Lauderdale, FL and I kind of got my fill of the place during the calmer parts of the year. I did get quite drunk at a friend’s birthday party while on spring break once. She and her little sister had the same birthday, so earlier in the day the younger had a kid’s party. She had a clown and a bouncy castle. But in the evening, my friend had her party, and they didn’t take the bouncy castle down. So there were several drunk teens (we were in England, so I was legal to drink) jumping around on this kid’s toy. Then, when it got dark, couples paired off into various corners of the castle for make-out and grope sessions. I found myself in a back corner with lovely muscular man for several hours of tonsil hockey fun. Good times.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

KOTW – Belts

Belts have a sense of power. There is something about a folded belt being slapped in his hand behind me. A fear and powerlessness that arouses me. Other things may hurt more, or leave a prettier mark, but nothing brings me to heel like a belt. In a weird way I can feel his anger with a belt swing more than other toys. The strength and force behind the swing reverberates in a way that a whip or paddle does not.
Sir and I are both getting used to the belt as a continual fixture of our play. Neither of us were corporally punished with belts as kids, so there is not that emotional baggage. But getting used to its weight and force is taking time for Sir to adapt to, just like me. But we are both enjoying the journey, and that is all that matters.

Kink of the Week icon