Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Throw me a raft

Monday night I had this dream. It’s like Titanic. Water is coming from everywhere and I am running up the stairs. But every time I make it to the top step water comes in and pushes me down. Then the whole thing starts over on a different floor. Always on the top step.

I woke up completely freaked out. Trapped. My last counselor tried to get me into breaking down my dreams. So, I’m laying there in bed and all that keeps pounding in my head is that this dream is telling me that I’m drowning. That all attempts I am making to better my life aren’t working and I am really just killing myself.

Needless to say that I didn’t sleep for the rest of night. And yesterday was awful. I spent all morning trying to make sense of my life and our future goals. Nothing worked, so eventually I found myself calling Sir at work, balling uncontrolably.

He’s worried about me. My depression slumps are worsening. I can’t pull myself out of them like I used to either. Just life stressors and being overwhelmed by everything. I used to be really good at this.

So, after calming down and looking at new counselor and medication options, I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better.

Family goals for next year include buying a house, getting Sir’s business up and running, getting the toddler ready for preschool. But right now I need to focus on goals to fix me. And I hate that. I hate attention on myself when I have a family to take care of. Like I’m shirking my responsibilities or something.

But as much as I hate it, I need to get my goals sorted, or I will just hold everything else back.

And it’s weird, but the kink is fine. I am my true happy self when I kneel for him. Now I just need to get that mindset all the time.

Wicked Wednesday

Death and Taxes

Welcome to TMI Tuesday. In the U.S. it is tax season, tax reports are due April 15.

There’s Nothing Sexy About Taxes

taxes_tmi

Wherever you are in the world, assuming you all pay taxes–income or other types, answer the following questions.

1. Are taxes levied where you live?

Federal, State, and City. Grump.

2. Do you pay your taxes?

Yep. I mean really, who is going to admit if they don’t pay them?

3. This year will you owe taxes or do you expect a refund?

We actually got a refund from both federal and state. It helped that we had a baby last year. I’m sure next year will be closer.

4. Have you already filed your taxes?

Yep. We have had the same accountant for the last four years. She is amazing. Great price and she is the most professional person. She doesn’t even live on our state anymore

5. You are getting a tax refund, which ONE of these would you most likely do with the money?
a. pay off credit cards
b. contribute to retirement savings
c. go on vacation
d. shop for something (car, clothes, household items, etc)

All over the place with those. We have talked taking a vacation this summer (C), Sir hasn’t really had one since before law school. But we also paid off some credit cards (A) and we did a little shopping (D); we bought a stockpile of diapers and a few fun things on Amazon.

6. Sometimes you just need to have frivolous, and if you get a windfall from a tax refund, which of ONE of these things would you most likely do? Why?
a. have a big party
b. loan it to family or a friend
c. spend a weekend at an adults-only erotic resort
d. gamble (Lottery tickets, casino)

I would love (C). I’m not a gambler and I don’t currently have friends asking for money. I don’t really do parties. I am social, but I tend to get really anxious. I like to plan those events, not necessarily host them. And, if I could get someone to watch the kids, I would really love to go to an event or erotic weekend. Sir and I could really use that. Something with a few classes or play parties.

Bonus: If you could be a circus performer, which act would you be? (I know, soooo random!)

I love to dance. I would say acrobat, but not a tight-rope walker. I would love to be in one of those troupes that swings from fabric and does hand stands on each other. My kids could be clowns.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Beginnings

As is often in my life, beginnings start with an admission. A realization about myself that alters my way of thinking and changes my path. BDSM was/is no different. As Sir pushes me to submit in all things, I have to accept and embrace certain truths in order to succeed.

Namely, that I am high maintenance. I think I tried to fake low maintenance when I was young. I wanted to seem aloof for guys and my friends. I wasn’t very successful. Sir claims he saw right through me. He doesn’t seem to mind, but it drives me up the wall.

I need positive re-enforcement. I need outside motivation. I need to be told/shown that I am enough for him and that I make him happy. Now, I guess, if he knows this, then he can just give me a pat on the head once and awhile and be on his way. But, add low self-esteem to my maintenance levels and you have a recipe for disaster.

That entire previous paragraph seems crazy to me. I mean, I lived alone, in another country for several months. Shouldn’t I be completely self sufficient? Is this something that will worsen with age? Or is this just a manifestation of my fears that I won’t be a good sub and he’ll eventually want to drop the whole thing? None of those are good.

But I’m panicking over nothing. He has not made any comment of dissatisfaction. He has been supportive of my depression waves as I deal with postpartum and looking for/being constantly rejected from various jobs. Just because my requirements are so high, doesn’t mean that he isn’t doing everything he can to help.

So, I’ve come around to the beginning again. Possibly a forced a beginning, but those can be the best kind. I need to make a change in how I look at difficulties in my life. I know I can’t wish away the ‘high maintenance me’. I would if I could. But I do need to look at all the growth I have done since I realized how happy I could be as a submissive. Look at everything that this has given me. And in moments of weakness, I need to remember it. Beginning to step back from what I perceive as personal failures and look at them merely as steps to find a better way; that will make a difference.

I wasn’t happy with my sex life. I was depressed and felt unworthy and unattractive. So I started venturing out from my standard romance novel (a fairytale never to be achieved) and I started reading modern erotica. Eventually stumbling on several BDSM authors and some wonderful stories about women finding their submissive side. If I wasn’t frustrated and unhappy with my sexual relationship, I never would have stumbled onto it’s salvation. I never would have found the one thing in my life right now that keeps me grounded. And Sir and I would never have learned to connect and trust like we do.

So, sometimes things have to go wrong before they can be right. Sometimes that hurdle that you never think you’ll get over, is right before the finish line.

 

Wicked Wednesday

TMI: WTH is she Thinking?!

creative brain_tmi

1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?
Can I be both? I’m all about being used for demonstrations. But I am the organizer. So I would try and deal with all the details too.

2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.
I’m a clear instructions gal. Sir would most likely have to give me step-by-step directions. Especially if it includes play with other people.

3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”
Very true. If I’m doing something to hinder Sir’s pleasure, or I could be doing something better. I want to know.

4. What are you wearing right now?
I’m a mom, working from home with two kids. I’m wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a comfy warm cardigan. If the kids weren’t here, I would walk around naked. And I’m sure Sir would have me clamped and stuffed and all kinds of gooey. But, for now, my gooey begins and ends with baby food in my hair.

5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .
Happily giving him everything that he needs, wants, desires. Or, more realistically, I

6. Do you always have to argue?
Normally, I would say no. But, last night Sir asked me a question and I got defensive. Like, really defensive. I’m not sure where it came it from. Most of the time I’m pretty docile. So, I’ll stick to no right now, with a caveat for my period and randomness that I’m sure Sir will beat out of me.

Bonus: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads: ________ .

Jared nodded with a smile, and she reached in her purse and produced her keys. “Mi casa es su casa”.

When In Doubt, Add Butter by Beth Harbison

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI: Spring the Season of Love

1. Spring vacation, will you take one? Where?

I already had my spring vacation, I guess. The boys and I went to the United Kingdom for two weeks to visit my parents in Mid-February. I’m not sure that counts as spring though. No real plans for another vacation any time soon though. I would love it if Sir and I could get away somewhere for a few days, but we’ll have to see how his work schedule sorts itself out.

2. Do you become friskier as the temperatures outside heat up?

To a point. When we get to the time of year that the heat doesn’t have to be on all the time and we don’t have to sleep with the covers tucked up under our chins, that will certainly help. But then you hit that temperature where you are just so hot that you don’t want anything to touch you; I’m finding it hard to remember that right now with all the snow outside.

3. Do you flirt more in spring vs. other times of the year?

I would say yes. I pull out the skirts when we get to spring. Long or short, without under ware I tend to get more extroverted with the flirting.

4. Do you dress sexier in the spring?

Again, I would say yes with more skirts. I shave all year for Sir, but when I start wearing dresses I spend a little more time on it. And I think sandals are a lot sexier than boots. That be said, never doubt the sex factor of a pair of fluffy slippers.

5. What day of the week do you have sex most often?

Probably Friday. Sir isn’t worried about getting up the next morning for work, so he’s willing to stay up later to play. 

6. Do you use kissing as an important way to test out a new mate? Good kissers, keep and move forward to another stage in a budding relationship. Bad kissers, get pruned and dumped.

I would say that I do. I haven’t had a very long list of mates, but being a good kisser is definitely a deal breaker. Of course, I will admit, I’m not really the best kisser. I know, I know, quite the hypocrite. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I get my face centered well and I always have to pull back to breathe. And I tend to get distracted really easy. Moving to kissing the neck, chest, or other tasty bits can often force the lips to take a back seat. Something I need to work on as Sir really enjoys a good make-out session.

7. What do you expect from marriage?
a. safety and solidarity and security
b. a journey towards self-fulfillment and self-actualization with a partner that ‘gets’ you.

I think that it is A as we embark on B. Sir and I really do ‘get’ each other for the most part. And he has been exceedingly supportive of everything from my career to me wanting to be his slave. But I don’t think I would have felt comfortable with any of that without a certain about of safety and security in our lives. We still have a lot up in the air, especially as I re-enter the work force, but that balance of solidarity and ‘getting me’ is what makes us work so well.
8. Acts of love & kindness. Which would mean more to you:
a. Taking your partner a cup of tea in bed (or receiving that cup of tea)
b. Giving or receiving a box of chocolates or flowers

I’m a big gift giver. When I see something that Sir (or my mom, or the kids) would really like, I am likely to buy it. Usually nothing expensive, but I do make an effort to be thoughtful about why I think they would like it. However, I would have to go with A on this one. Especially as we have both been sick this last week, the effort and care to prepare and deliver a cup of tea was difficult for me. And I know he appreciated it and recognized the love in the action.
Bonus: In your late teens or early 20s did you take wild spring break vacations with friends? What is the wildest, craziest, sexiest thing you did on a “gone wild” spring break?

No vacations to south Florida for me. My aunt and uncle live in Fort Lauderdale, FL and I kind of got my fill of the place during the calmer parts of the year. I did get quite drunk at a friend’s birthday party while on spring break once. She and her little sister had the same birthday, so earlier in the day the younger had a kid’s party. She had a clown and a bouncy castle. But in the evening, my friend had her party, and they didn’t take the bouncy castle down. So there were several drunk teens (we were in England, so I was legal to drink) jumping around on this kid’s toy. Then, when it got dark, couples paired off into various corners of the castle for make-out and grope sessions. I found myself in a back corner with lovely muscular man for several hours of tonsil hockey fun. Good times.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

KOTW – Belts

Belts have a sense of power. There is something about a folded belt being slapped in his hand behind me. A fear and powerlessness that arouses me. Other things may hurt more, or leave a prettier mark, but nothing brings me to heel like a belt. In a weird way I can feel his anger with a belt swing more than other toys. The strength and force behind the swing reverberates in a way that a whip or paddle does not.
Sir and I are both getting used to the belt as a continual fixture of our play. Neither of us were corporally punished with belts as kids, so there is not that emotional baggage. But getting used to its weight and force is taking time for Sir to adapt to, just like me. But we are both enjoying the journey, and that is all that matters.

Kink of the Week icon

TMI – Sexpectations

Let’s Talk about SEX Baby

1. What are some challenges related to your sex life?
    Time. Time is an issue due to stress and lack of sleep. Lack of Sleep is an issue due to Children. Children that were lovingly created by sex. Quite the vicious circle.
 
2. Is quality or quantity most important?
    Quality. One amazing, earth-shattering orgasm can leave much more of an impression than an hour of small orgasms. 
 
3. How much sex is enough?
   Haven’t reached enough yet. I’ll be sure to let you know when/if I do.
 
4. I want to have more _____ .
    Sex, didn’t you read question #3? And coffee, I’ll always take more coffee too.
 
5. I would like to attempt new sex positions such as _____ .
    Something from the Kama Sutra.
 
6. I would like to stop doing _____ sex position.
    Can I just leave this one blank? Maybe with more anal I will get tired of it, but right now I will take what the kids and Sir lets me have.
 
7. To me foreplay means _____ .
   Sir helping me to get cuddly and warm under the covers before my nipples start getting pinched. He’s sweet like that.
 
8. Something I think about a lot related to sex is _____ .
   How loved and cherished I feel when Sir lets me cum. And how accomplished I feel when he cums in me/on me/with me. 
Bonus: Tell us something you love about your sex life.
I love how Sir knows exactly what I need. When I beg in earnest, when I need release to sleep, he is always there. No matter how tired he is, or if he isn’t aroused, he always helps me and gives me everything I need. I would never do anything to disappoint him.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
TMI Tuesday blog

The Audition

“Come in, Rye. Welcome.” I walked in with my head bowed. Quickly removing my coat so he could inspect me. As ordered, I was wearing only the wrist and ankle cuffs and leather collar that were provided. I had left my shoes in my car as well. After handing him my coat I knelt on the floor in the display pose that the company taught me. He smiled as he placed my coat across a chair in the front entryway. He had on brown slacks and a knit sweater that was a gorgeous wedgewood blue. I wasn’t used to seeing Doms in anything but black. My assumption that they just maintained an all black wardrobe didn’t make much sense, even as I thought it. And the blue sweater looked great with his chestnut hair and dark eyes. Black was overrated. He turned and walked down the hall, his hand made a small waving motion that I could only assume was him telling me to follow him.

The staffing agency had prepped me for this interview. I was looking at it as more of an audition. If he selected me, then I would receive training from one of the most respected Dominants in New York City. Six months living and working with him could prepare me for any professional Dom. I was not going to screw up this opportunity.

I crawled after him, staying just behind his left foot. I was trying to take everything in. The hallway was long and there were several doors on either side. A large archway on the right opened into a dining room with a large table and antique looking chairs. Even from the crawling posture I could see the beautiful mahogany wainscoting that ran the length of the hall. The end opened up into a large living room with dark wood and leather furniture. He pointed down as he walked past the center of the room. I stopped at the imaginary spot on the floor and returned to display position. Even with my eyes down I could see the room was dimly lit with candles. There was a table off to one side with several things displayed, but it was out of focus for me. Instead I watched him walk to a large wooden chair with ornate carving and velvet looking cushions. It was regal. I was practically drooling just looking at his furniture; God, I wanted this job.

“Now, just to get a few of the cursory questions out of the way. I have reviewed the medical file that was sent with your application. You don’t have any previous Dominants as references, this was encouraged in the information that was sent to the various agencies. Can you explain why you did not include any?” His voice was somehow stern and soft at the same time.

“My experiences have all been at clubs and private parties, Sir. I haven’t worked with any Dominant or couple for more than a night or two. I didn’t feel comfortable asking any of them to vouch for me with such a limited exchange.” Why was I rambling? I had gone through these answers. The explanations of my inexperience, my hard limits, my inability to eat raw spinach without being sick; I had gone over everything. Just shut up and look and down.

“If you haven’t been in any kind of D/s exchange beyond a few nights in a public club, why do you want to engage with a professional under a contract of several months? I’m not looking for a sub who will get cold feet and walk out after a week. This is a serious commitment for both of us. I maintain a lifelong connection with my submissives and I have never worked with someone so inexperienced. Why should I take you on?”

He made a good point. I hadn’t considered that I would be his most inexperienced candidate. Honestly seemed my only option; I can’t lie with rehearsal, much less on the spot.

“I work better with routine, Sir. I’ve decided that my need to submit is finally strong enough to give it everything it deserves, and I’m not going to dabble with a bunch of Doms to learn how to be a good submissive. I am looking to study to fully immerse myself in pleasing one person. I feel that if I can complete a long-term contract successfully, then I can realistically work with anyone. And, honestly, your reputation precedes you.” Was that too honest?

“What’s my reputation?” He didn’t sound angry, just curious. Ok, I can still save this.

“You are well known as one of the most experienced Dominants in the city. I’m not bratty, but I do need structure and consistency, and you are well known for both. I talked to a few of your previous subs and they assured me that I would benefit from your expertise.” I looked up as I finished my answer. He had great eyes. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t lying.

“I know. Clarissa and Hanna both let me know that you were researching me. In fact, you were the only applicant smart enough to research and reach out to my former subs. That is why I brought you in, even with your limited resume. I was impressed, the agency didn’t tell you to do that. Otherwise all the other applicants would have too. Your tenacity outweighs your inexperience in this case, and I agree that after talking to the references you did provide, that you could benefit from my training. And, possibly more importantly for me, Clarissa and Hanna both believe that I could benefit from the experience of training a novice. A breathe of fresh air could be good for me.” Really?

“I certainly don’t want to be presumptuous Sir, but are you offering me a contract?” I was smiling like a fool, I knew it.

“Once we settle on particulars and sign, you can move into the basement apartment. You have a private entrance, which you may eventually earn a key to. I will have movers help you with your belongings and the rest will be settled in the contract. I will grab a bottle of wine and meet you in the dining room in five minutes. You may relax on protocols for the rest of the evening.”

“Yes, Sir.” I still didn’t stand. I was tingling I was so excited. Breathe, just breathe. I still had to figure out the contract. Only one glass of wine and pay attention.

“And Rye,” He slowed his pace, but continued toward the hall. “I am eager to give you the experience you crave. I think we’ll have a very interesting next few months.”

As soon as the sound of his footsteps faded down the hall I collapsed on the floor. I did it. I passed the test, aced the interview, got the part. I couldn’t believe it. Now I just had to get up and figure out how to walk long enough to make it into a chair in the dining room.

Wicked Wednesday

TMI – Conan O’Brien

TMI & Conan O’Brien

1. One thing I will never comprehend is _____ .
Poodles. I don’t understand their existence at all.
2. My blood type is ____ .
O+
3. I am pretty healthy for ____ .
Someone so addicted gyros and mayonnaise.
4. When I really cannot sleep I ____ .
Think dirty thoughts and play silly games on my Ipad.
5. You never forget your ____ .
Time in labor. Ever. Child one was 21 hours. Child two was 22 hours. I would get a tattoo, but I’m not really worried about ever forgetting. Seriously, ever.
6. As a child my favorite pet was ____ .
Tough call. We had three labs growing up; one black, one yellow, one brown. We also had nine cats at one point, but the word favorite and cat don’t go into the same sentence for me. Honestly, I would have to say our yellow lab. He was the calmest, mellowest polar bear of a dog you would ever meet.
Bonus: This week’s question comes from The Late Phoenix – “Why was fuck chosen as the ultimate swear word? It coulda easily been duck.”

Duck was already taken. Maybe it was just a guttural utterance someone made when a horse stepped on their foot several hundred years ago. And then he killed the horse for revenge.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!