Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

#MomLife

5yo: We need to lift my bed up. Way, way high up. And then put a ladder on it. I am a very good climber. And then we can put a bed underneath by bed. So someone else can sleep under my bed.

Me: Like your brother?

5yo: No mom….like my dog. She is not a good climber.

~

Sometimes life isn’t always sexy, and that’s okay.

I would go numb for you

I know it’s not very sinful, but this weekend wasn’t really about fun sinful activities. This photo is about what we do for the one’s we love. This picture hasn’t been edited and was taken with my phone after almost forty hours without sleep.

My mom was in a pretty serious car accident on Friday. While her car was totaled, she suffered only minor injuries. She was more upset about losing her car. The other driver tried to turn left in front of her (he was cited) and hit her on the driver’s side. All the airbags went off and her seat belt did it’s job. They kept her overnight for observation, but we got to bring her home from the hospital late yesterday. They wanted us to make sure her hands were elevated (she broke fingers on each hand). So we improvised.

Rye's leg supporting her mom's broken hand.

Her hand is in a temporary cast right now until she sees the surgeon on Monday. But as the center console of my dad’s car wasn’t high enough, my leg provided the extra height. It actually wasn’t even that uncomfortable. After a two hour drive it was pretty numb though. She’s more than worth it though. Hope all of you have someone you would let your leg go numb for.

Enjoy everyone else’s much more sinful shots this weekend and hopefully we’ll be back to our old selves soon.

Sinful Sunday Kiss Logo

Thank you all

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers.

The other vehicle turned left in front of her and pretty much t-boned her tiny car. Luckily, the airbags and safety features did everything they were supposed to do and she only has two broken fingers a lot of bruises. I am currently at the hospital with her. They are keeping her overnight for observation and hopefully we will be able to take her home tomorrow. Her sister is already looking at taking some time off to come stay and help. There is possibility that she will need surgery to fix the hands, so we’ll see.

In any case, we won’t be sanding the floors at the new house tomorrow. But I would rather be here and worrying about her there.

Thank you all again for you support and well wishes. Hopefully healthier and more sexy news to report soon.

Honesty is hard

One of the biggest changes that I have seen in the last year as we have started this D/s transition is honesty from myself. In the past, I have stayed quiet. When I wanted something, need something, felt hurt or ignored, I was quiet. I guess I expected him to read my mind. And when he didn’t, I would sulk. I would punish him because I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him. A train wreck in slow motion, to be sure.

But I am getting better though. Case in point was last night. I have been stewing in my fears that mother’s day was going to be completely glossed over. Mother’s day was pretty big in my house growing up. We always saw one of the grandmothers and did a brunch. My father and brother and I gave my mom a gift and card. Dad would take us shopping or help us come up with ideas of things she would like and then buy it for us while we were at school. My mom had time to relax. I thought, rather ignorantly, that that was just what every family did. So the last few years, since my first son was born and I became a mom myself, I thought that Sir just didn’t care. We would see my mom or his mother, they would give me a card, but that was it. I still came home to a pile of dishes and laundry. Relaxation was never something that I had. This time last year, we had just found out we were moving and the weekend was spent packing with my parents. Being five months pregnant didn’t help either.

But now I have a rule. I am not allowed to know anything that Sir doesn’t know. So stewing isn’t really acceptable anymore. And last night my fears just came out and I had to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him. And I told him I was worried about being disappointed on Sunday, which ran the risk of being bitter on Monday. Something else that was no longer acceptable.

I understand that within this dynamic, I don’t have a right to demand to feel special. I take what Sir gives me and I am happy about it. But as a mom, I want to feel appreciated for the things that I do. I think that this year it hits me a little harder. We are done having children, which is fine. But my babies will never be babies again, and having a day each year, to remember what I, as a mom, am willing to give everything for is beautiful.

I just want a day when I am not a slave first.

It was hard to say. I was crying because I felt so guilty asking for it from him. And he listened. He explained that Mother’s day wasn’t a big thing in his childhood. He didn’t understand that he had been lacking. Because, of course, I had never told him. But he heard me out. He said he would try.  He will do his best to make me feel special. He wants me to feel special more than just one day a year. I felt horrible. I was making him feel bad for not making me feel special. What kind of a slave does that make me?

I know he cares. He loves me very much and he appreciates my work as a mother, slave and partner. And by being upfront with him about my expectations and needs, he has a much better chance to show that in a way that I will understand. Because he does want me to be happy, and I need to make sure that I let him.