Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 12

#12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I do not include any financial aspects as part of my submission. If anything, I’m a sucker for a gift. A lot of that could be ignorance. I don’t know too much about the basics of financial submission.

One of the big reasons I’ve always shied away from it is the simple fact that I don’t have money. I have to pay my mortgage and buy food for a house full of boys; my birthday money this year went to pay my electric bill. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my life.

I would love to be able to buy gifts for Sir. I always enjoy making people smile with a thoughtful present to lift their day. If you know those people who remember something you said that you really wanted and give it to you months later; that’s me. Christmas tends to be a stressful time for me; not because I lack ideas, but that I lack the funds to really get everyone what I would love to give them.

I’m not sure that really falls under the umbrella as financial dominance though. And I think that just me calling it financial dominance rather than financial submission just highlights my ignorance of it. Like I’m trying to distance myself from it in every possible way. I wouldn’t mind learning about it as part of general kink research, but I think at the same time I’m afraid of it.

Over the last year I’ve started to become more and more fearful of new kinks. Not out of judgment or disgust, but out of the reality that I may never get to experience them. I am afraid that if I delve into something new that I’ll love it and want to try it. My long-distance Dom is balancing two submissives, so adding all sorts of new kinks isn’t really an option. And my husband has completely walked away from kink. I see finances as complicated in a basic, every day context. Trying to engage him with D/s in something that can already be overwhelming doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

The fact that I have had a tight budget throughout my life makes financial submission a hard thing for me to grasp. While the idea of gift giving is a real joy, I’m pretty sure the kink goes much deeper than that. And aside from my amazon wish list I think I would just be out of my depth.

Check out my other 30 Days of Kink and consider answering them yourself.

Twelve

Twelve are all the things racing in my mind right now. Each fighting their to the forefront of my thoughts. Their jostling making it impossible to reach a conclusion or solution. The one night of orgasms (two!) I’ve had in the last two weeks didn’t even help me sleep. Having a grandmother who was addicted to pain medications and sleeping pills has made me very wary of taking anything for those ailments. But that hasn’t even stopped me this week as I need all the help I can get.

Twelve are the number of times I keep running our budget around in my head. Forgetting the electric payment one time and my student loan payment the next. Each time trying to make the numbers add up to something we can actually achieve. Each time coming up short. It’s a stress whirlpool that keeps sucking me in. Whenever I think I’ve cracked it I remember some bill and my depression spikes all over again.

Twelve is the number of times in the last hour I have changed my mind about asking my husband to remove my collar. Every time I think it would help me to get past the failure of our D/s relationship I touch it and can’t imagine it being gone. My two year-old grabs it when I pick him up. It’s been on my neck since before he was born. Not wearing it would feel like I am giving up on my submission. But while I am submissive I am not currently a submissive. Each time I think I have reached a clear opinion about it my heart pulls me the other way.

I’ve been thinking of twelve different sexual activities that I’ve been craving lately. Masturbation isn’t really hitting the spot lately. The time difference with Jack has been catching me up and we haven’t had a mutual session in awhile. And honestly, sex with myself while he’s 1,500 miles away is not one of my twelve cravings.

Twelve is the number of things that I need to be doing that I just can’t get the motivation for. I need to update my business website. I need to get our 2016 taxes around. Each time I sit down to do any of them I find a distraction, either purposefully or accidentally. Even things that should be fun or positive are avoided. Hell, I’ve started having anxiety attacks at the grocery store.

I’ve never felt more disparate than I have felt lately. I would say I feel like I’m split into twelve different pieces to stick with the theme, but it’s probably more than that. And I’m sure they will start fitting back together soon. Somehow.

In any case I’m trying not to make any big decisions right now. The collar is still on. Though I’m really not sure it’s his or my best interest to leave it that way. I can still be kinky and submissive without it. And it represents a relationship, a contract, that we don’t have anymore. Each time I reach for it and want to feel like a good girl it hurts more than reassures. And trust me, I have shed more than twelve tears for that.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Beautiful Image

Sometimes I think that if I wore make-up, waxed my eyebrows, and wore designer clothes I would be more successful. I hate even the possibility of that being true. My exterior looks have nothing to do with my work ethic. Just because I don’t regularly dye my hair has nothing to do with my inner-beauty. But there is a part of me that would love to feel like a put together woman and maybe that would make me more successful in general.

You know those women. The ones who pick their kids up at school completely put together. Walking across the playground in stilettos looking fabulous. The ones who balance their work life, home life, and everything else perfectly. The woman in the grocery store who looks better than you do going on a first date. Or those women who can make me feel unaccomplished and lazy just by talking about their workouts, charitable donations and craftiness in making their kids’ Halloween costume. No matter what I’ve cleaned or what project I’ve finished, I just can’t keep up with them.

The reality is that even if I did take the time and pay the money to have all those treatments and services to make myself beautiful, it wouldn’t magically transform me into one of them. Hoping that a manicure will suddenly make me more attractive and therefore more productive is just stupid. And honestly, I would just feel guilty for spending the money, so I wouldn’t even end up feeling good about myself afterward.

Sometimes I wish I would though. A wax or some hair color might be nice once in awhile. As it stands I’m not sure I’ve had a haircut since early in the spring (I want to say March). Sometimes I wish I could forgive myself for wanting something for me every once in awhile. Currently my tattoo appointments are the only things that I pamper myself with. And the guilt after one of those is quite high as they tend to run a few hundred dollars each time I go. Hopefully my appointment in December will finish my sleeve and then I will have to be done for quite a while.

To clarify, I don’t begrudge those put together women. If anything I am jealous of the way they manage their lives and obviously still find time to put themselves first for at least part of the day. My apparent self-flagellation is the out-liar here, not them. I just have no idea how to get to where they are. Moving through self-doubt and poor body-image is a slow process. And making time and using money for myself is difficult when both are scarce.

Sorry, I was really hoping I was going to come to an actual conclusion there. That my brain would realize an obvious solution or something as I wrote this mini-rant against myself. Apparently not.

Success Defined

Do you consider yourself successful? Have you achieved everything that you want out of life? I’m not just talking about your BDSM life, but what of your vanilla life (if they are separate as mine is).

I have been reflecting since finally settling into our own home in May. Growing up I had a very broad and yet specific definition of success. To be successful, I had to make money. A lot of it. I actually hate money with a passion. Everything about it. My parents worked hard, but we didn’t have a lot of money growing up. I watched the toll that that took on them as they tried to give my brother and I everything we asked for. Looking back, I regret all my years of competitive dance as to this day I have no clue how they paid for it all. The shoes, outfits, and travel expenses were enormous, not to mention private lessons. I wish I could have made the connection when they were so stressed about funds how much of it was going toward my selfish happiness.

So I needed to grow up and get a good job and make a lot of money. When I was in college I was surrounded by trust fund babies. Lazy kids with an endless supply of mom and dad’s money which they used to go on trips across Europe. I worked and saved and somehow decided I was better than them because I refused to take money from my parents to pay for my education or my hobbies. Sir and I paid for our wedding ourselves and took on quite a bit of debt paying for graduate degrees. I decided that we were successful as we were living on our own; even though at that point we didn’t have great jobs or made a lot of money.

And now, now I still don’t have a great job. I have my own business, but it’s not really making me a lot of money. We still have debt, but we have finally gotten away from renting. But my parents and my mother-in-law are helping to pay for the boys school/daycare while we get settled and Sir sets up his business. So by my definition of the last three decades we are no longer successful.

My reflection, however, has brought me to two interesting conclusions. One) I was wrong to judge those college kids with trust funds. It’s their life. I would probably be doing something different if I had access to that much money, but that may not be true if I had been raised with it. Maybe I would have skipped across Europe with a drink in each hand just like they did.

And Two) We are successful as I currently define it. We have two children who are happy and healthy. We both have jobs (though I am currently applying to others). We pay our bills on time and try not to live outside our means. And we take care of our house so that it can be a home for our family.

It’s certainly not the goals I had when I was a teenager. But at the same time, teens all want to be pop stars and professional athletes. Redefining success for this era of housing bubbles and extreme education debt is a necessity. And with that in mind I would say we are doing pretty good.

Not to mention the redefining our BDSM life has taken. When we started this journey almost three years ago I wouldn’t have thought that we would have gotten to such a good place with the inclusion of others. Our communication has improved so far beyond what we ever had before kink. Success doesn’t even begin to define what I consider this experience.

So I will continue my positive outlook on our lives right now. I’m headed to the office today for meetings and then another section of my sleeve. Hoping for a relaxing weekend of letting my tattoo heal and possibly coming really hard, repeatedly.

Death and Taxes

Welcome to TMI Tuesday. In the U.S. it is tax season, tax reports are due April 15.

There’s Nothing Sexy About Taxes

taxes_tmi

Wherever you are in the world, assuming you all pay taxes–income or other types, answer the following questions.

1. Are taxes levied where you live?

Federal, State, and City. Grump.

2. Do you pay your taxes?

Yep. I mean really, who is going to admit if they don’t pay them?

3. This year will you owe taxes or do you expect a refund?

We actually got a refund from both federal and state. It helped that we had a baby last year. I’m sure next year will be closer.

4. Have you already filed your taxes?

Yep. We have had the same accountant for the last four years. She is amazing. Great price and she is the most professional person. She doesn’t even live on our state anymore

5. You are getting a tax refund, which ONE of these would you most likely do with the money?
a. pay off credit cards
b. contribute to retirement savings
c. go on vacation
d. shop for something (car, clothes, household items, etc)

All over the place with those. We have talked taking a vacation this summer (C), Sir hasn’t really had one since before law school. But we also paid off some credit cards (A) and we did a little shopping (D); we bought a stockpile of diapers and a few fun things on Amazon.

6. Sometimes you just need to have frivolous, and if you get a windfall from a tax refund, which of ONE of these things would you most likely do? Why?
a. have a big party
b. loan it to family or a friend
c. spend a weekend at an adults-only erotic resort
d. gamble (Lottery tickets, casino)

I would love (C). I’m not a gambler and I don’t currently have friends asking for money. I don’t really do parties. I am social, but I tend to get really anxious. I like to plan those events, not necessarily host them. And, if I could get someone to watch the kids, I would really love to go to an event or erotic weekend. Sir and I could really use that. Something with a few classes or play parties.

Bonus: If you could be a circus performer, which act would you be? (I know, soooo random!)

I love to dance. I would say acrobat, but not a tight-rope walker. I would love to be in one of those troupes that swings from fabric and does hand stands on each other. My kids could be clowns.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI – Flowers, Kisses, & Money

tmi_Flowers, Kisses, and Money1. When did you last give or get flowers? What was the occasion?

My mother-in-law gave me flowers when my first son was born, three and a half years ago. I don’t really do flowers. If you fuck up, buy me a burger. Say congratulations with cheesecake. I’ll love you forever.

2. When was the last time you had a long passionate kiss? Who did you kiss?
Sir, last night. He’s a big kisser, a make-out fanatic actually.

3. You’ve just been given $100 for no reason at all. It is yours to do as you wish. Will you save it or spend it? If spend, what will you buy?

Save it. I have a list of tattoos that I am saving up for. Sir is continuing the decorate my back and has a few designs for my thighs. But he has given me permission to tattoo my feet and ankles as I wish.

4. What is your most irritating habit?

I’m sure Sir will have a list. I think it’s probably that I chew on things. I have to think about why I am mad or upset before I can talk to him about it. He gets mad that I cannot clarify things and it seems to him like I am hiding something from him.

5. If you had a day off alone, and could do whatever you wanted, what would you do?

Curl up with a mocha and good book. Maybe sew or do some crafty thing while watching a movie. Not cook or clean; eat junk food.

Bonus: Have you ever had sex at work? Where–closet, stairway, office, boardroom, etc.? Do you regret the encounter?

No. I used to work at a prison; sex at work was a bad idea. Right now Sir and I are fantasizing about how it will be when we are both working from home. He is planning all sorts of dirty things.

TMI Tuesday blog

Christmas

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Due to budget restrictions I have started my christmas shopping early. I figure if I try and get a few gifts with each pay check it won’t hit our bank account in December. I have a few things already. But now I’ve hit a wall. My problem, like every year, is that I have found nice gifts for the easy to buy people, and now I’ve got the difficult ones. I keep having issues trying to spend the same amount on everyone. And admittedly, it’s easier to spend more on the easy people. As D and I aren’t really traveling this year, last year’s time with the Red Cross was enough for me. So our buy list should be small, but somehow it keeps growing. A small holiday at home sounds nice. I only get a few days off anyway.

Maybe I’ll get everyone batteries and toilet paper, the perfect bad economy gift.