Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

When I am Asked the Hard Questions

I have actually been asked, by three different people over the last year, to clarify my needs. As far as needs go, I should be honest and say that there aren’t too many real needs in either category. I often say it jokingly, but I am pretty easily entertained. So, I attempted to identify what was actually a need and what was only a want. When I broke it down, there really aren’t that many.

Personal Needs
1. Priority – Everyone has lots on their plate. I think I just need (to feel at least) like I am someone’s priority some of the time. I feel like I always make everyone else a priority and it’s never returned.
2. More than just a convenience – Honestly, this is true for just about every relationship I have. I hate feeling like I’m only around when they want something. I feel like that with my kids all the time. But with my husband, lover, best friend, I want to feel like they want to be there for me too. I’ve written a lot on the blog about how I don’t want a lover without an emotional connection. I think this is along that same vein. I want someone that thinks about me when we aren’t together. That sees some small trinket or joke on tv and says ‘man, you know who would love that?’. This has been hard, especially with reference to the husband. I often feel like I’m only there to do dishes and suck his dick when he’s in the mood. It’s gotten much better, but there are scars there.
BDSM Needs
1. Consistency – I’m always looking for some kind of consistency. I thrive on routines. That is as much to do with my upbringing as my depression. But generally I like to know what is expected of me. Changing the rules at a moments notice will throw me off every time.
2. Games are for fun – I know there are sadists out there that love to set insurmountable tasks just for the fun of it. To watch their sub struggle knowing they will never be able to succeed. I hate that. If I try my hardest and I fail, I feel like a failure. But if I know that no matter how hard I try I won’t complete the task, I won’t even try. I will recede into a ball of inadequacy. If it’s a ‘see how many you can take game’, I’m great. But if its ‘mop this whole floor in five minutes’, I will just shut down.
3. Aftercare – I think I’m slowly realizing (through no fault of his own) that I wasn’t clear on how much aftercare I needed when the husband and I were doing D/s. I don’t think I ever got enough aftercare. Scenes would end right before bed and I would go to bed in a weird place. Cuddling wasn’t enough, and I’m not sure I was ever able to articulate that to him properly. I have an aftercare blanket. I found it in the basement the other day. I love it, but it wasn’t used often enough and now it’s not used at all. Even the few times we have ‘scened’ (I use the term loosely) in the recent past.

Pillow Talk

Wednesday’s may be taking the lead for my favorite day of the week. My ‘maintenance orgasm’ turned into five orgasms and some amazing play. Masturbation while he is watching is so much easier. And his hands slipping in every once and awhile are definitely nice too.

But I had this weird realization. I needed nipple play to cum. Either he or I need to be pinching or pulling or sucking for me to get there. And this realization shot me back to a conversation Sir and I had a week or so ago.

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We were laying in the bed. We had just finished some amazing sex. He slapped me a bunch and made me cry and we climaxed together in a blaze of moaning glory. Sir and I have always been really good at orgasming together during sex, apparently other couples do not do this as standard. But we’ve gotten pretty used it.

So Sir is laying there, after I cleaned him off (a new rule to suck him clean after everything but anal sex). And he looked at me and says, “I am worried that a day will come that I will need to make you hurt for me to cum”. I was silent for about ten minutes, not knowing what to say. I think he thought he freaked me out, but he didn’t. I’ve often thought the same thing. Wondering if there will be a day when I can’t orgasm without my nipples being pinched until I whimper. I haven’t been hiding the fear from him (against the rules), but I guess I’ve been avoiding thinking about the possible reality.

I didn’t want him to think I was mad or worried. “Would that be a bad thing? To one day need my full submission in order to get release? Would it concern you if I said I was quickly getting to the point that needed your dominance in order to cum?” I didn’t want to scare him either, but honesty is a rule.

He just looked at me and smiled. Like we both came to the conclusion at the same time that we have passed the point of no return.

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And last night I guess I passed the point of needing kink. I’m not ashamed of it. I love kinky me. But there is an element of fear. I don’t really think Sir will change his mind someday, it’s not that. But just a general fear of what could happen in the future. It’s more a fear of me not living up to my own kinky expectations. Worried I will burn out or something. Not really, I can’t get enough. Sometimes I just say things to make myself smile.