Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Today’s Episode: How I keep fucking everything up

Rye's collar and 'good girl' collar.I want to be spoiled. I’m horribly selfish. I want gifts and kisses and surprised at work to take me out to lunch. I want pampered and tweeted about. I want someone who is proud of me and wants to show me off. I don’t necessarily go in for age play, but I want to be able to curl up in his lap and let the day’s stress go.

At the same time I also want to be forced to kneel. Beaten and fucked and covered in cum. I want to be told I’m a good girl and then covered with my aftercare blanket and told to nap. Wrapped up in rope and gagged for his afternoon footstool. Woken up for sex in the night. Told what to order at restaurants and how far to run for my workout. Clothing approved before I leave for work and sexy flirting all day with orders and tasks for the evening.

I just don’t know if I can have both, especially from the same person. And if not, do I pick one or consider opening myself up to being hurt by someone else? The idea of an open marriage sounds good in theory, but I’m terrible. I’m needy and dramatic and I often wonder why Sir puts up with me. I’m sure another person would be ready to kill me after about a week (if that). I try to present myself as calm, and I am with the kids and my job. But when it comes to relationships I’m an emotional mess.

Attempt #1: Sir

So maybe I just can’t have everything. Maybe my desires are too unrealistic and need to be tempered. Maybe it’s just not going to work right now, when Sir and I are both dealing with jobs and stress and life. And maybe that will never change. Where does that leave me?

I just keep fucking everything up. Sir and I have been through various stages of kink. M/s, D/s, and all manners of control in-between. I crave so much and the pressure that puts on him is too much. The ‘break’ we took from kink last winter was horrible. We keep trying to make things work, but kink is so few and far between for us. Each of us dealing with our depression issues and work and family always have kink on the back-burner. It’s never a priority, and for the foreseeable future it won’t be for him.

 

Attempt #2: Being Loaned

So I started talking to other Doms. Sir was supportive. I found someone on Fetlife that seemed interested in all the control and kink that I was. He didn’t seem grossed out by my body and was willing to work within Sir’s perimeters. And I let my eagerness get ahead of myself and ruined it. We didn’t demand the ‘meet first’ policy and I didn’t explain my needs. Which left me with an unsatisfying experience that is no one’s fault but my own. Sir was still supportive and helped me to ensure that the same mistakes wouldn’t happen again. I’m not all about casual sex in that way. I need more of a foundation of trust.

 

Attempt #3: Expanding a Friendship

With that in mind a very dear friend and I started talking about changing the nature of our relationship. I would be his pet and he would take control over my weight-loss and diet. It was wonderful. Control like that is something that Sir was never interested in, so he was more than happy to encourage this growth. And there has always been (for me anyway) a sexual tension between us. The idea that we could start with control over diet and see if expanded into more was really exciting.

But, as usual, I pushed too hard and expected too much. He showed the slightest interest in something more and I let him know how much I wanted it too. But things started moving too fast and he’s still trying to make everything work while being honest with his wife. So as I got more invested, he became more uncomfortable. And when the reality of talking to his wife about expanding our relationship came up, the dam broke.

So now I am no longer his pet. We will always be friends, but it still felt like a break up. I cried. A lot. It sucked. He called me by my real name. Not Pet, not Rye, but my vanilla name. He’s the only person in the kink world who knows it. I don’t think he did it to be mean, but it crushed me. Everything kink was just sucked out of our relationship. He’ll always be a good friend, this won’t change that. It just hurt that we lost that chance at something more.

What now?

This ‘break up’ didn’t cause all of this, obviously. It’s just one more way that I’m failing to make kink work. And I don’t see how I can blame any of these men for this. I’m doing something wrong. My expectations are too high. I keep comparing myself to other subs and other dynamics. I’m just trying to find something that works, but even when I do I stupidly want more. The control isn’t enough, the sex isn’t enough, the aftercare isn’t enough.

All I want is to make them happy, but they aren’t. I’m missing some piece that keeps the relationship going and strong. Sir is stressed about the rest of life. And while he appreciates the things I do to try and make him happy, it never lasts. The Sean experience was short lived as I’m not sure I did make him happy, he never said. And my friend has his own kink journey. Bolstering my sub ego is the least of his concerns (not that that isn’t justified).

Maybe I just need to figure out realistically what kink looks like in my life. Craving control, M/s, and being spoiled is all well and good, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I’m not trying to take the agency away from these men. They all had a hand in why our respective relationships didn’t work either. But I’m at a loss. I’m supposed to keep trying when I have no control. I try and I give everything I can and it’s not enough. I have gotten to this point where I just can’t give anymore. Sir doesn’t want me to give up, but I just don’t know where to go from here.

I’m collared to kink without direction. Wandering aimlessly with my pile of expectations, looking for someone willing to take the lead.

Meet and Greet

“When does Graham’s flight come in?” Sir asked as I handed him his lunch.

4:45. I will head to the airport after I drop off the kids.” I poured our coffees and handed him his mug.

“What are your plans for the night? I will be home late.”

“Nothing set in stone. Probably just grab some dinner and talk. Maybe some light play, but I don’t know what he’s really looking for. You had mentioned that Hannah was okay with some level of play but not for his pleasure, hence the reason for the cage. You also said that Hannah was going to prepare his ass, just in case, as pegging has been a fantasy of his. Not sure we’ll get there tonight though.” I wanted to be honest, I wasn’t sure where the night would go. Graham was going to be caged up, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to require him to service me. Sir knew that.

“I will leave that up to you, but just so you know cunt, my generosity doesn’t come cheap, both of you have a debt to me to repay. Remember that Graham is here to serve me, even if he is here to visit you. He may be your gift for tonight, but he will be put through his paces tomorrow. Call me when you get to the airport.”

“Yes, Sir.”

*                            *                             *                                *

Graham’s thoughts ricocheted between a million versions of This is Real! and Finally. He felt the plane shift as it began to descend. He could barely believe that Hannah had agreed to let him come. The kinky weekend he had always wanted was finally real. He didn’t care about the cage, or any of the other requirements set by her or Sir. Graham was just happy he was going to get to be himself.

Hannah hadn’t really taken his mid-life kinky revelations very well. She didn’t like having their occasional missionary sex with the lights on, much less some of the fantasies he had described. She was trying, and he didn’t want to push, her permitting this was huge. Being allowed to serve anyone was amazing, and he trusted Beth and her Sir to take care of him. He had no plans to waste this chance to experience all that BDSM had to offer. Beth knew all his secret desires, he was hoping, even with the cage, that the weekend would see that list considerably shortened.

Graham had be prepping for the last two weeks. He had been using the butt plug that Hannah had allowed him to buy, just in case Beth wanted to play with a strap on. He had started wearing the cage on and off too, to get used to it. It was comfortable as long as he could control his erection. However, for most of the flight he had been shifting around a lot to try and ease the bulge. As the wheels touched down Graham tried to focus on making it off the plane rather than who awaited him.

It was going to be a great weekend.

*                           *                               *                              *

The drive was an odd mixture of stress and excitement. I took the boys down to Grandma’s for the weekend. They were all happy to have some spoiled-kid-time. I left from there to go straight to the airport to meet Graham, with several hours alone in the car to sing loud chick music – and try not to get too deep into my own head about the weekend. I’ll admit – I was probably “a tad” over the speed limit. Okay, maybe more like 2 or 3 “tads.”

Sir had a big case going to trial the next week, so he was planning on being at the office late. He really wanted me to have some time with Graham without worrying about his reaction. We had gone over ground rules and he had even given me a few ideas. I really appreciated it. Graham and I got close over twitter – really close – but I was a worried about how we were going to get along in person. I was worried that the age difference would make things awkward for him, or that during a kink-pause we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Maybe I didn’t need to worry about that; Graham had so many desires that he couldn’t fulfill with Hannah. While I would never suggest he leave his marriage, I wanted him to be happy. Sir was vague as to the details, but it seemed that Hannah wanted that too. This weekend was going to be a big part of that. I almost missed the airport exit thinking of what was to come.

Excitement overwhelmed my stress as soon as I parked. I called Sir to let him know that the kids were sorted and that I had arrived at the airport. He told me to have a good time and that he would be home around 11 or so. I must have looked like a giddy school girl waiting at the arrivals entrance. I was trying to seem aloof and played on my phone, but I kept looking up. Glancing between the arrivals screen and the walkway.

I spotted him before he saw me. He was looking for me, but also trying to figure out where to go. I just stood and waited, smiling as he approached. It wasn’t like the end of a sappy romance, we didn’t run toward each other in slow motion. There was a nice hug, a quick peck on the cheek, and an instant sexual tension. He only had one bag, so we didn’t have to wait long at the baggage claim. Our walk to the car was filled with small talk about where my kids were and how his children were doing. He opened my door when we got to the car and all I could think was how interesting this weekend would be.

Ramping up to the visit, Graham and I had purposefully not talked about plans. We wanted to play things by ear. He had happily agreed to be Sir’s, and by extension my, “service submissive.” We both knew that Sir and Hannah had had a few more conversations, but neither of us knew what they had discussed or planned. Graham was locked in a chastity cage before he left Canada and a key was sent to his hotel in New York. I was a little upset about it. I had fantasized about giving him a blow job – one of Graham’s often lamented, unfulfilled desires. No, this visit was just about getting to meet a friend and some bonus-pampering for my birthday. After five minutes of laughing and joking in the car, I calmed. I didn’t have to worry about our friendship changing.

On the drive back to the house we came up with a few ideas for dinner, stopping at the grocery to get some fresh vegetables and wine. When we got home he poured me a large glass and immediately started cooking. We talked about his exercise regime and my business growth. We both focused on non-kinky topics as we enjoyed his delicious pasta and a bottle of the wine. But after he had cleared the plates he decided that small talk was over. He knelt down next to my chair.

“I know you aren’t used to being served, but I want to make this weekend as relaxing as possible for you. This is as much about my kinky fantasy as it is your need for a break. Your Sir has given me permission to pamper you; he expects me to. So while it may be hard, I need to you enjoy yourself. I can’t let your Sir down. It will be a challenge, more for you than for me, but I think you can suffer through it”. He rubbed my hands as he spoke. Gently, letting me know he understood it wouldn’t be easy for me while still trying to make me smile and relax. His strength was exactly what I needed.

“I never thought that I would have such difficulty being pampered. I keep thinking of chores I should be doing. What services do you do for Hannah? I need to get into a more dominant mindset.” I felt embarrassed at not being able to come up with anything. I just wanted to talk and enjoy him. But Graham craved a mistress. And he was right, I didn’t want Sir to feel like I had wasted this opportunity or his gift. “Okay, we’ll ease in, I would like a foot massage and a pedicure. Think you can make my toes look pretty?”

“Yes, Mistress. I have had some experience. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll go grab the polish and some lotion.”

“Sounds lovely, how about a refill on my wine as well.” I shook the glass like Sir would do with his whiskey tumbler when it got low.

“Of course, Mistress.”

*                                *                                      *                                   *

“Your feet look beautiful Mistress. And your skin is so soft.”

“Thank you for saying so. You did a wonderful job. Now that I am quite relaxed I have realized that we both would be much more comfortable with less clothes on.” I waited to see how he would react to my statement. I didn’t want to push. But Sir had encouraged me to push Graham and for me to consider having him preform sex acts while Sir was at his work that first night as he might be more comfortable without Sir there. This would be easy compared to what Sir would put him through. His advice made sense, but I wasn’t even sure if Graham had considered being nude or any type of sex as part of his service.

His smile let me know I needn’t have worried. While he cleaned up the polish and the warm towels I went to change into something a bit sexier. When I came back he had stripped completely. He was kneeling next the couch, his hands resting on his legs in his best, untrained presentation of Gorean pose #1. The exercise regime had done him well. Every trip to gym that he had told me about was visible on his chiseled frame. His grin when he saw me in my lace teddy said he was happy with my wardrobe change as well. I held out my Doxy to him, which he took with a laugh and plugged in. I sat down on the couch and he moved over next to me on the floor.

“Are you eager to help me come Graham?” I was trying to be more dominant, but I still couldn’t call him anything but Graham. I was hoping it was enough to get us both into a good mindset.

“More than you could possibly imagine Mistress.” He handed me the vibrator and brushed the side of my breast. I sank into the couch as the vibrations hit my clit. He moaned as loud as I did while he caressed my breasts.

“Does your cock hurt, is it bulging against the cage? Are you trying to get hard watching me pleasure myself?”
“It hurts more than I thought it would. There’s so much more pressure…”

“I could stop if you want. If you think I should be left unsatisfied.”

“Never, Mistress.”

“Good.” I put of one my newly pedicured feet on his chest as I sat up. I pushed him back until he had to put his hands behind him to lean on. I set the vibrator to one side as I bent toward him. “Can you smell me? Do I smell good?”

“Oh God yes.” I smiled as I straddled him. His cage felt cold on my pussy, but knew it was worse for him. I rubbed against his cage, back and forth, getting it wet with my juices. He moaned as I kissed his neck. He moved a hand to grab my breast.

“Put that back, slave.” His eyes flashed up to mine as I called him ‘slave’, hungry for more. He steadied his hands back on the floor behind him and I began rocking again. I swear I could almost hear his cock straining against the cage as I reached my orgasm. I kept moving against him and kissing his neck and chest. After a few moments I slid back onto the couch. He breath was heavy as he slumped forward, but still on his knees.

“Now, how about you lick my clit clean to say thank you?”

“Gladly, Mistress.” Graham went to work quickly as I laid down across the cushions. I knew Hannah wasn’t really into oral sex and that Graham really enjoyed it. I was happy to help. For not getting much practice, and the sideways presentation I provided, he was quite adept. Lots of licking and sucking turned into several orgasms for me and a lot of lovely frustration for him. With my arm over the side of the couch I was able to massage his balls and scratch the underside of his shaft as it strained against the cage. He had shaved and his smooth skin was sticky from my ride on his cock. We both groaned as my orgasms shook through me and I squeezed his balls. I gave them one last tickle as I sat up and he leaned back.

“You did very well, slave. You have pleased me. Now you will go upstairs and draw me a bubble bath. I will need a glass of wine to accompany me. While I get cleaned up you will clean off the table from dinner and make sure the downstairs is presentable for when Sir gets home. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Mistress.” He got up and went upstairs to start the bath water. I gave my phone a quick check. There was a message from Sir from an hour before.

Hope you are being a good girl. Should be home in a few hours. Love you.

I went upstairs to let Graham know that Sir would be home soon. Graham lovingly helped me out of my nightie and I sank into the bath, sipping my wine. After a good soak I gave my hair a good shake with a towel, put on a t-shirt and panties, and walked back downstairs. Graham was just finishing up loading the dishwasher.

“Come sit with me on the couch.” He followed me into the living room and curled up next to me. I leaned into this chest and he put his arm around my shoulders. “How are you feeling? How was everything tonight?”

“It was great. Honestly. Thank you for letting me be your slave tonight.”

“It was my pleasure, let me assure you. Once I got comfortable being called mistress.”

“I’m sure you would get better at it with practice.”

“Yeah well, tonight was just a warm up. Tomorrow will be much tougher, for both of us.”

“I would hardly call tonight tough. I had a wonderful time with you.”

“I did too.  I just mean that Sir is much more intense. And I know that he and Hannah talked about giving you, and I quote, “the full BDSM experience”. Knowing Sir, you have a hard day coming. No pun intended.”

Graham pulled me closer. “I’m not worried. This is an experience I plan to take full advantage of. My plan is to be in the moment this weekend, with you.”

*                        *                         *                          *

Sir arrived home a little after midnight to find Graham and I curled up on the couch asleep. I woke when he picked me up to carry me upstairs. Graham stirred as I was lifted off of him.

“Well cunt, that’s a little more cozy than I was expecting” whispering in my ear. “Good to meet you Graham, Beth has made up the guest room for you. I encourage you to find your way up there and get a good nights’ sleep. Beth and I usually sleep in when the kids stay at my mom’s; tomorrow will be no different. I understand have a regular workout schedule, feel free to exercise in the morning. Beth will serve us both brunch at 11am. Be prompt. I have plans for us tomorrow. Your service will begin after we eat. Good night.”

“Good night Sir, good night Beth.”

I think I mumbled a response as Sir turned up the stairs. Next thing I knew Sir was tucking me into his bed.

“Sleep well cunt. You will need your rest for tomorrow. And I will want a serviced in the morning before you start cooking.”

“Looking forward to it Sir, good night.”

***This piece is a continuation of a post called The Odd Art of Negotiation. These friends will continue their visit, though Saturday will be split into two posts so the length isn’t so overwhelming.***

Sick Switching

Sir and I started our journey into BDSM by switching. He eventually decided it wasn’t really for him, but I still get ordered to edge him from time to time.

However, when Sir is sick or hurt, the switch in me comes out. Always respectful, obviously, but I will make him take care of himself.

He pulled something in his back last night; I think he slept on it wrong, but he is in a lot of pain this morning. So, working from home, he’s set up on the couch and I am working from my desk. But I make sure he takes drugs and keeps stretching. I will bring him water and pillows; take orders as normal. We even did our daily tasks like any other day. But I will make sure he eats; though, to be fair, that includes spoiling him and cooking him whatever he wants.

So, I guess it’s more ‘mom mode’ than switching, but to the outside world I’m sure it looks like I’m taking charge.

So, I’m curious as to how other D/s couples deal with this situation. If he orders me to care for him does that cover me telling him to go lay down or take more meds? Is forcing him to take it easy still respecting him and his authority?

I hope so. We are both terrible when we are sick, but just like those of you that commented that I need to care for myself in regards to my depression, I need him to take care of himself when he is hurting physically. Sometimes he needs a little push to do that.

I just have to watch how hard I push. Although, I could probably out run him with his back hurting this bad.