Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Shock and Awe

“You seem much calmer lately.”

“Honestly, I just don’t care anymore.”

I think my answer shocked us both, but I walked away before my mother-in-law could comment further.

I wasn’t shocked that I said it to her. She and I have always been direct with one another and I rarely hold back with her. It was more that what I had just shared was actually true.

Obviously, I want my children to be safe and happy, they need to have food and warm clothes. But they do. They have everything they need and rarely want for anything (except Legos and candy).

Outside my children, however, I am running on emotional empty. My new job is fine, except for my Devil wears Prada boss. My sex life is non-existent except for masturbation videos occasionally shared with my transcontinental lover. And our bank account dwindles while my husband talks about numerous things we can’t afford that he still wants.

I think my current solution seems to be to just emotionally shut down. I’m not saying that this is a good plan. In fact, it’s probably the worst plan, but I’m out of ideas. My doctor has increased my meds, but it will be a few weeks until I notice a difference. Everything I try to reach to make my husband and/or boss happy flies back in my face. So sex and job satisfaction have just disappeared from my to do list. I can function without them; other people do it all the time.

So for right now I’ll just walk around and pick up toys and ignore my bosses glares. I’ll try to lose too much empathy as I continue to shield myself from whatever this is. I just feel bad about complaining, so I don’t. We haven’t experienced a hurricane in Ohio and we still have our health insurance. It could be so much worse and me not having sex for months just doesn’t seem to make the cut. But I still feel the lowest I’ve ever been, and that’s not a pleasant thing for me.

On the positive side, I can still shock my mother-in-law.

#MomLife

5yo: We need to lift my bed up. Way, way high up. And then put a ladder on it. I am a very good climber. And then we can put a bed underneath by bed. So someone else can sleep under my bed.

Me: Like your brother?

5yo: No mom….like my dog. She is not a good climber.

~

Sometimes life isn’t always sexy, and that’s okay.

Those Baby Blues

Our baby in the bathroom.
After he recently attempted to ‘decorate’ our bathroom with blue fingerpaint soap.

Our ‘baby’ turns 2 today. I remember going to the hospital to have him like it was yesterday. They were going to send us home. My contractions had stopped. Sir had called everyone to say ‘false alarm’ and tell them to turn around. And the doctor said no. After some less than sexy fisting, he determined that I had dilated more. So they decided to keep me. I wasn’t leaving that hospital without a baby. And we didn’t.

Now he’s a giant happy toddler who has perfected the act of pestering his older brother. Sir and I were both the eldest sibling in our families and we are pretty sure younger siblings get special classes. You must get pulled out of daycare or play group and trained on how to be as annoying as possible. With this is mind, our youngest paid very close attention to that lecture. I guess it’s a good skill to have. Any brats out there who want to come have a first hand lesson, let me know.

But, as independent as he is, he still requires pretty much constant supervision. So, any type of kink during the day is restricted unless he is napping or down for the night. Maybe I’ve just blocked it out, but I don’t remember our oldest getting into quite as much as this age. Part of it is that this one isn’t all about technology. He loves to be outside. Which is good in an exercise and general health way. But when he’s outside for five minutes and he gets covered in mud and throwing rocks at the side of the house it’s less good. At least he sleeps deeply so I can be loud during sex and not worry about waking him.

Admittedly, his birthday has me thinking about another baby. And as much as my hormones keep tugging, I just don’t think it’s right for us. Sir and I have always talked about three kids, but things change. Financially, we can do more for two without spreading ourselves too thin. Sports, activities, and travelling get expensive fast. And wanting to show your children the world means budgeting a lot.

However, there is another reason why I think we are done reproducing. And while it sounds selfish, I am perfectly okay with it. Sir and I want time. Even now, but more so as they get old, kids require time. Sport’s practices and games, recitals, play dates. Helping with homework and science fair projects all take time. And while I am more than happy to do all of those things (I know Sir is too), we both want time on our own. We want time to enjoy our own personal pursuits as well as time together.

We don’t want to feel guilty about spending several days at a kinky sex camp, or vacationing with another couple we want to play with. Taking a weekend and spending that money cannot be a once in a decade activity. Our kids are important to us and we love them very much, but when they grow up they will leave. Sir and I don’t want to wait until then to enjoy kink and what we can share together.

So I will probably shed a tear today  as my baby is growing up. We won’t have anymore uses for our crib or the few pieces of baby clothes I kept, ‘just in case’. Our family is wonderfully complete with four. Not including however many dogs I can talk Sir into letting me have (obviously).

 

*For those curious about the photo. Yes, the white tile and the toilet are still blue. When we eventually get around to re-doing this bathroom, it will have a Teflon coating for easier cleaning.

To the Future!

4yo: Dad, I don’t want to go to daycare! I want to go to the future.

Sir: Okay, how much?

4yo: *holds hands shoulder width apart* This much.

Sir: Okay, close your eyes. *waits two seconds* Okay, open your eyes.

4yo: *looks confused*

Sir: We went into the future by two seconds.

4yo: But I want to go to the future.

Sir: We are always going into the future.

4yo: But this isn’t the future!?!

Sir: No, this is the present, but today’s present is yesterday’s future. We are always moving forward.

*silence*

4yo: Dad, I love fruit loops.

Basket of Options

Basket of kid-friendly snacks

Parenting has several similarities to BDSM. Control, punishment, and reward are constant factors. While I still always feel like a submissive, I have to play the dominant when it comes to dealing with the kids. And while the dog can give me her puppy eyes and talk me into anything, the children have no such luck. I would be a hard-ass of a dom when it comes to rules. I’m not a dom though, luckily for them, and I try to be a good mom.

So pictured above is our snack basket. My four year old is pretty picky, and I anything I can do to make sure he gets enough to eat I’ll do. So I created this snack basket when he was three and the 18 month old picked up on it quickly as well. It’s on the bottom shelf of our kitchen island, so both boys can reach it. And they can have anything out of the basket at just about any time of the day (no fruit snacks for breakfast, trust me, they’ve asked). Pretty much everything is fruit centered, there are applesauce squeezes, fruit snacks, or granola. It’s all low sugar and easy finger food. I have fresh fruit too, but they have to ask for that as it can be messy. I don’t mind them grabbing a healthy snack, and it keeps me from having to argue about sugary snacks. Give them two healthy options and they are happy to ignore the unhealthy one they cannot see (I may have a hidden stash of pop tarts for when I’ve had a bad day).

And I think if I were ever to become a dominant, I would run my submissives the same way. Maybe even have a toy basket. Giving a sub two good options empowers them to make decisions without them worrying about making the wrong one. It’s like when Sir gives me the order to choose which implement to be spanked with. No matter if I chose the belt or one of his pretty paddles, he can’t lose. Either way I feel like I pleased him. Just like what I try and do with the kids, no matter what they pull out of the basket, it’s a good decision. I would probably run my subs/slaves the same way. Options for meals, their daily activities, maybe even their punishments. Think of the mind fuck that would be choosing between two equally bad punishments. There is probably a good reason I’m not a dom, I’d be ruthless.

On second thought, I would probably treat my subs like I treat my dog. I would spoil them and they would get away with everything.

20150805_150656

I mean, how can you say no to that face?

The month of reflection

December 1st. My christmas decorations are up at the rental. Tomorrow I will take the decorations to the new house so we can be festive there too. We are meeting with the contractor tomorrow to look at her design for the kitchen and laundry room remodel. Should be an interesting meeting, full of scary numbers and realities. Sir and my mom will be there too. As stressful as it will be to think about the cost, it will mean a nice lunch out and I get to start painting  walls.

Christmas shopping is almost done. A few stocking stuffers left for the boys, but everything else is sorted. This time of year is one of those periods where I look back and reflect on how good things are. Two years ago I wasn’t sure we would have the money to give our son a good Christmas. This year we have a new home and Sir and I are closer than we were when we got married. That’s massive. As stressed as I am about a job and what the next year will bring, this year has been pretty fantastic.

Looking forward to this month of family. Giving the boys their own rooms and putting my hands to work making our house a home.

And now I’m going to start sorting through all my holiday recipes for the great cookie exchange next week. Can’t wait to read everyone’s yummy food ideas.

The Parental Code

So last night I called upon the parental code. I know, I know, it’s not very slavey, but sometimes higher statues take precedent.

I was giving Sir a lovely Doxy show. It’s one of my new favorite ways to cum. Show him the pleasure he allows me to have. So I’m wriggling in perfect joy on his bed. He loves it when I beg to cum, but he also knows that I can only take so much from the Doxy before I get all nervy. Hopefully my clit will acclimate over time to the power that the vibrator provides. But for now, after one or two orgasms my nerves turn to jelly and everything starts to hurt. Sometimes that’s his goal, but rarely.

So anyway, I’m begging. After a long weekend of work, I really wanted an orgasm, so there was no play acting in my pleas. Finally, his generosity won out and I was allowed my release. I wasn’t going to waste this opportunity, especially as my orgasms seem to be further and farther between. (Not complaining, just a reality).

I’m moaning and sinking deep into the bed as my orgasm releases all those lovely hormones into my body. Then, as I hit that really good part, where moans almost flow out of you without effort, there was a small voice outside our door. In an instant Sir threw the large duvet over my body and intercepted our 4-year old before he came in the room. I wasn’t even thinking; I was coming down to the relaxed afterglow before I knew what was happening.

Sir came back in the room a few moments later and we laughed, referencing the unwritten parental code. If one person is having an orgasm and a child is nearing, it’s the other parent’s job to respond and move said child away so the other can experience their orgasm without interruption. Ruined orgasms are sexy when your partner initiates them, not so when your children are the cause. And, at least for us, our D/s dynamic is not relevant when it comes to this rule. If Sir has given me permission to cum, then the rule in enforced. And he’s really good about it, not that it happens very often. We usually try our best to make sure they are both asleep before we engage in any type of play at night. But when he wants to use me during the day things can be more complicated.

The levels of protocol continue to grow. But this rule, out of respect of each other and an understanding of our parental duties, remains. Because, let’s face it, your kids don’t need to see that.

Naked

I think I’ve slept naked since I was twelve or thirteen. I’m not sure why. I’m actually a cold-blooded person. I have low blood pressure, so I am always cold. You would think I would sleep in flannel year round. I have to have a blanket, even in the summer, but clothes are just too tight. I don’t do hospital corners on my sheets either. In fact, I joined the English tradition of not using a sheet and all and sticking with a cosy duvet. Now I hate top sheets.

And I guess I would classify myself as an exhibitionist. I love walking around naked. If it’s warm enough I used to stay naked all day. As much as I have body image issues, I guess being naked was never really part of that.

When we have family over I will wear underwear and a t-shirt, same if we are staying with someone else. As much as I like being naked, I’m not all about scaring my family. But if it’s just us, even if I’m on the floor, I’m most comfortable nude. I would love to say that I do it so Sir has easy access whenever he wants. And that is a nice bonus. But as I started losing clothes long before I met him, I can’t give him all the credit.

And I’m a complete hypocrite about it. My 4yo is all about running around naked and can strip very quickly given the chance. Even the 15mo old is learning new skills. I picked him up at daycare the other day and he was waddling around in just a diaper. The ladies were laughing and said they wanted me to see how ‘talented’ he was. I guess I should have at least acted surprised. But I always tell the kids that they need to stay dressed. They have to wear pajamas and they can’t come downstairs in the morning without clothes on, even on the weekends. I know, I’m cruel.

But naked, curled up under a blanket with coffee and a book is my happy place. *cough* I mean….kneeling at my masters feet is my happy place.

Obviously.

A swift kick

Monday is going to be my swift kick in the ass to get up and going. I am getting lonely at this little pity party and honestly, I just don’t have time for it.

I let little things get to me. They used to put me into depressive slumps that would last for days. Now, with the meds, I have made progress and I can pull myself out of the dips after a good night sleep and some good coffee. Last night, however, was not a good night sleep. With Sir gone the 4yo and the dog slept with me. And the baby’s cough came back last night and kept me up listening. He’s a healthy kid, it’s not like he’s going to stop breathing or anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t lay there in a mom panic.

But, tired or not, I have to let crap go. Sir will be home tonight, so that will sort out the piece of me that is missing him. I worry about the blog, whether you guys are bored with me. When my stats go down I fret about what I am writing and what I need to change. So, sorry, but I can’t worry about that either. I just have to write what I write. This blog wasn’t really about getting a J.K. Rowling writing deal (I’m not that diluted). This is my journey, which I will be the first to admit isn’t always entertaining. But every day can’t be filled with hours of beatings and rough sex when you have young children. Maybe after a few more years of practice we’ll get a sexier rhythm down.

So, today is about letting it go and focusing on this week. The house may close as early as Friday. So I’m racing to line up survey companies and see about getting fence quotes. We really want to have a fence in before the ground freezes. If we are going to be working on renovations over the weekends, our dog and dad’s dog need to be able to go outside safely. And, I have my paid work to do too. I can’t get behind on that as we start this renovation process or I will never catch up. Oh yeah, and the boys destroyed my lovely clean house over the weekend, so I will have to work on that in my free time.

And, because that’s not enough, this weekend Sir let me sew. It’s an addictive hobby. I’m working on a baby size quilt. He let me work on the piecing on Saturday and now all I want to do is keep working on it. It’s so relaxing. So I may try to squeeze in some sewing in the next few days. I would love to have it ready for quilting so I can take it around during the holidays. It’s nice when people want to sit and visit to have something to do. And groping Sir isn’t always appropriate around family (or so I’ve been told).

Need more coffee. My day just got really busy really fast.

All the family day

So today is quite the family day. The local zoo does a Boo at the Zoo event. It’s a nice way to trick or treat with little kids. They can run around and get a few pieces of candy (which Sir and I will end up eating). Sir’s mom is coming along for some ‘nana time’. It should be fun. Hopefully the kids won’t struggle too much with their costumes. The 4 year-old wasn’t keen on dressing up last year, but this time around he seems much more interested. The baby is just happy to be walking. And really, it’s not about the candy anyway.

After we get some lunch we are taking Sir’s mom to show her the new house. The inspection went pretty well, but we do have a radon issue. Hopefully that will be fixed without too much of a fight. There are small things we knew about already and a few we didn’t. A few windows need replaced, but they were in the kitchen remodel plan anyway. So hopefully things will keep moving forward. Looking to get the keys around Thanksgiving. I would love to get the fence in before the ground freezes, but considering how scary this winter is supposed to be, I’m not holding my breath.

Along with the mother-in-law, my parents and my mom’s sister are coming to the house too. There will be a lot of measuring and chatter with various ideas of how to do this first floor renovation. I will do a lot of before and after shots as we go. But one day at a time.

A big day with family today, but just us and the kids tomorrow. Hoping for some play time tonight, but we both might be beat, so no expectations. However, I will say that the boys have been going to sleep without too many issues lately. It has been nice to have a little more time in the evening, but we have been so tired we haven’t had a lot of hard play. Maybe we’ll eat the candy the kids get today so we can stay up tonight. Sugar rush BDSM. I’ll let you know how bad of an idea that turns out to be.