I have actually been asked, by three different people over the last year, to clarify my needs. As far as needs go, I should be honest and say that there aren’t too many real needs in either category. I often say it jokingly, but I am pretty easily entertained. So, I attempted to identify what was actually a need and what was only a want. When I broke it down, there really aren’t that many.
1. Priority – Everyone has lots on their plate. I think I just need (to feel at least) like I am someone’s priority some of the time. I feel like I always make everyone else a priority and it’s never returned.
2. More than just a convenience – Honestly, this is true for just about every relationship I have. I hate feeling like I’m only around when they want something. I feel like that with my kids all the time. But with my husband, lover, best friend, I want to feel like they want to be there for me too. I’ve written a lot on the blog about how I don’t want a lover without an emotional connection. I think this is along that same vein. I want someone that thinks about me when we aren’t together. That sees some small trinket or joke on tv and says ‘man, you know who would love that?’. This has been hard, especially with reference to the husband. I often feel like I’m only there to do dishes and suck his dick when he’s in the mood. It’s gotten much better, but there are scars there.
1. Consistency – I’m always looking for some kind of consistency. I thrive on routines. That is as much to do with my upbringing as my depression. But generally I like to know what is expected of me. Changing the rules at a moments notice will throw me off every time.
2. Games are for fun – I know there are sadists out there that love to set insurmountable tasks just for the fun of it. To watch their sub struggle knowing they will never be able to succeed. I hate that. If I try my hardest and I fail, I feel like a failure. But if I know that no matter how hard I try I won’t complete the task, I won’t even try. I will recede into a ball of inadequacy. If it’s a ‘see how many you can take game’, I’m great. But if its ‘mop this whole floor in five minutes’, I will just shut down.
3. Aftercare – I think I’m slowly realizing (through no fault of his own) that I wasn’t clear on how much aftercare I needed when the husband and I were doing D/s. I don’t think I ever got enough aftercare. Scenes would end right before bed and I would go to bed in a weird place. Cuddling wasn’t enough, and I’m not sure I was ever able to articulate that to him properly. I have an aftercare blanket. I found it in the basement the other day. I love it, but it wasn’t used often enough and now it’s not used at all. Even the few times we have ‘scened’ (I use the term loosely) in the recent past.