Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.
Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.
One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.
Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.
I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.
I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.
As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.
I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.
Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.
This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.
I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.
So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.
I’ll preface this with saying that I don’t currently have (or have ever had) a dating profile online. A comment on my Fetlife about how I am looking for a play partner is about as close as it gets. I hate talking about myself in any sort of advertising way. However, for the purposes of trying new things I created a hypothetical ‘dating profile’. It would read:
Sexy 30-Something Looking For Fun
Married, hetero-flexible submissive looking for a poly friend with benefits. Play-dates and romantic evenings possible. Looking local, but will travel. Non-smoker a must.*
Short, sweet and reasonably vague. Isn’t that how they are supposed to read? I look at it like meeting a first date in person. You don’t want to scare them away, but you want to make sure that boundaries are laid. It really doesn’t provide the whole story though.
What about an ‘It’s all on the table’ version?
Submissive Mother Looking For Emotional Support with Sex
I’m a married, hetero-flexible mother looking for a break from her children and daily responsibilities. I love to give and receive oral sex. General submissive who also falls under labels of little, human pet, and masochist given the right Dom. Would love the right partner to spoil me and let me be myself. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but I do love dogs and am completely addicted to coffee. Big nerd who likes body hair, tattoos and people who love food. I don’t generally wear make-up and will always choose sweats over dressing up. Very high sex drive who also loves to cuddle. If you’re brave enough to give me a chance, I’ll try to be less crazy in person as I seem on paper. No promises though. Non-smoker a must.*
See, there’s something about the shorter one that makes me think I’d get more responses.
*Unless it’s cigars. I don’t know why, but I love the smell of cigar smoke. Sexy as hell.
Because for me, sexy means that I can lay next to you and talk for hours. Perfectly comfortable being naked and next to you. We can talk about anything. And we are both so natural in our conversation and confidence. Comfortable in the knowledge that when we do get back to fucking, it will be even more amazing because of the intellectual discussion that we have just shared.
Check out how everyone else is spending their sexy Sunday by clicking the lips below.
Wow, that last flogging was was intense. I can still feel the heat radiating off my back even with the cool water cascading over me as I try and stay out of sight behind the waterfall. Josh certainly knows how to wield a flogger. Maybe I will have to suggest to Sir that he supervise a repeat session in more structured setting. The scraping of the bark from the tree on my tits took away some of the enjoyment though. My legs were still shaking a bit as I tried to calm my breathing and press myself against the rocks. I couldn’t stay here long, but the water felt to good against my back and thighs to move just yet.
The bushland setting and exhilaration of the hunt was everything I had expected. Something I will have to process further when I had more time and the perfect way to check if we are ready to attend Tryst. Sir had talked about booking us in, but he wanted to be sure I was ready to enjoy it fully. He set up today’s hunt as a special part of our annual visit to Josh’s wilderness lodge. He had arranged for a few couples to come here for some lunch and an afternoon of fun. If Tryst was going to be anything like this I will book the tickets myself. I hope he felt the same.
Now if I can only remain out of sight and avoid being found again for the remaining 45 minutes of the hunt, this will have been a wonderful afternoon. With the rushing of the water around me I wondered if I would be able to hear the airhorn finishing the hunt. I was banking on the water hiding me from view.
It was so like Sir to spring a surprise guest on me for the afternoon’s activity. He certainly upped the ante for the chase and gave me good reason not to be found, even if the odds were stacked against me. I just hoped that Sir wanted a fair hunt and didn’t let everyone know my three allowed hiding spots. Of course Sir stipulated where I was allowed to hide so he could easily find me if he chose to. There was no way Sir was going to have to hunt for me. But with only three options and a good distance between them, I didn’t want to have to run for the log if I was spotted.
I’m not sure I want Stephen to find me as I’m not quite sure what he will do with me, but I’m certain he will fully exert his dominance over me to prove a point. Our last encounter didn’t go quite as expected and I may have been less than generous when I blogged about the experience. He certainly looked very pleased when I walked out onto the deck this afternoon ahead of the hunt. I was taken somewhat aback when I saw him and may have balked in the door way. Though I did notice that both Sir and Stephen noticed my hesitation, which brought a knowing glance between them. I knew then that Sir had offered Stephen a chance at redemption. Sir also knew he had just raised the stakes for me for the afternoon ahead.
Shit, someone was close. Just remember to keep control of my breathing, remain quiet and keep still until they pass.
I wonder who has stumbled upon my hiding spot. I can just make out their shape as I peer out from my hiding spot. Behind the cascading waters of the creek that runs through the property I had been able to make out anything wander by, but I could clearly see a human sized object approaching through the trees. I can’t see who it is.
Hopefully Sir has decided to come find me, that would be fun. I’m not holding out too much hope of that, as he can play with me anytime and there are a few other subs running around that he has wanted to play with. Just let it not be Stephen. Not sure why he’s had such an effect on me by being here, but if Sir wanted me to experience some fear, he’s certainly achieved that. Maybe a scene with Stephen is just what I need.
Hmmmm, maybe I should just reveal my hiding spot and take what ever is coming my way.
Too late, I’ve been spotted.
Oh thank heavens, its Michael. We’ve played before and we had a good time. Well let’s see what he has in store for me. He reaches forward and looks at the tag around my neck listing the things that I’ve written down as hard limits. As you would expect, there was little point in wearing it, it was blank.
Without pulling me from behind the waterfall he had me kneel. He then proceeded to free his cock so that I could take him in my mouth. He positioned himself so that he was just out from under the waterfall, which placed me directly under it. As I attempted to suck on his cock, the water kept hitting my face, splashing into my eyes and some of it entered my mouth as I went about my ministrations. The effect was quite distracting and it took a lot of focus to keep on sucking. At times it felt like I was going to drown.
As I continued sucking his cock, Michael thrust his cock further down my throat causing me to start to choke on a combination of cock and rushing water. The sensation was very different and I can only liken it to a form of breath play. Something that I’m not overly comfortable with.
I think Michael could sense my discomfort was turning into distress and he withdrew his cock and helped me to stand. After a few deep breathes, he led me over to a fallen tree which was slightly elevated above the ground. The positioning of the log provided a very good improvised spanking bench. He motioned for me to straddle the log and lie down with my head extending just past the end of the log. Picking up some nearby rope (not sure where that came from) he secured me firmly to the log.
I hadn’t previously noted but there was a thicket of bamboo nearby. He walked over to the bamboo and out of my peripheral vision. I could only imagine what he was doing. These thoughts were confirmed when I then heard a ‘swish’ through the air. Great, a bamboo cane. This is going to get very ouchy. I didn’t have to wait long for that to be proven true. I heard the swish, immediately followed by a stinging sensation across my ass. Shit that hurt. I tried not to wiggled too much as the bark of the log was also quite painful against my tits and stomach.
Next I heard Michael say “Now Rye, like the good girl I know you are, I would like for you to count the strokes out loud.”
One, I said out loud. And so the caning continued.
The next nine strokes were all across my arse. Each stroke elicited a small gasp from me as I absorbed and processed the pain. There was a slight pause and Michael repositioned himself at my head. I turned my head slightly to be greeted by his erect cock pushing into my cheek. Taking him into my mouth I continued worshiping his cock. Well, at least to the extent I was able to whilst being bound to the log and beaten by a bamboo cane.
After a further ten strokes, each accompanied by a mumbled count and continued cock sucking, Michael placed the cane in the crevice of my arse. Then he placed his hands on either side of my head. Taking a firm hold he tilted my head up slightly and then began to fuck my mouth in earnest. He started thrusting in more deeply until I was deep throating his cock on each forward thrust. Just has he was building to a climax the siren indicating the end of the hunt went off. With two more fairly violent thrusts, Michael held my head down tightly onto his cock as he pumped a load of cum deep down my throat. Having fully emptied his balls he withdrew his cock leaving a long line of spittle joining my mouth to his cock.
He gave me a minute to catch my breath and recompose myself before he released my bonds. Feeling a little stiff I did a quick stretch and brushed the loose bark from my chest. I also took a quick dive into the water hole to refresh myself and to wash off the moss, spittle and cum that I had managed to get on myself.
We then set off arm in arm heading back to the camp site, making small talk as we went.
As Michael and I approached the camp site, it was clear that neither Sir nor Stephen were pleased to see that I had avoided capture. A displeasure that I would certainly pay for later.
And I did.
*This piece was co-written by myself and the Twitter boyfriend. I’m trying to get him to collaborate with me some more.*
“When you were having sex with her, were you thinking about me?”*
This question always confused and angered me. Long before we opened our marriage or I even considered being poly. First, wouldn’t it be terribly sad if that was the case. Presumably they would thinking about you out of malice and not any sort of positive feelings. Who has sex with someone and thinks, “Man, I really miss my girlfriend, this sub-par pussy will have to do”? And, because I think about things like this, how sad is that for that other woman (the sub-par pussy one)?
If both people sign up for a consensual, non-connection fuck, that’s one thing. But I personally know it would crush my ego to find out a guy had been thinking about someone else the whole time. Masturbating is one thing, or even fucking during porn and picturing me as someone else. Since I am someone who looks for an emotional connection with anyone I fuck, an old girlfriend would be a low blow.
Which leads me to my other issue with this direct statement. I’m not going to generalize as I certainly don’t know the manipulative capacities of all men. But, in my experience, guys are not thinking about the consequences of fucking while they are fucking. I don’t either, if I’m honest. Now, I’ve never played ‘pull-out pregnancy roulette’ as my family is as fertile as they come. So that may be something else all together.
Also, as far as I know, I’ve never been with a guy who was cheating. In my experience the guys who have fucked me weren’t thinking about how an ex or current girlfriend would feel about the situation. I’m not saying that to be egotistical, I honestly believe it to be true. Some other girls face in place of mine? Maybe. But I still would hope it wouldn’t be a past lover.
There is one more issue that this trope brings to mind for me. An admission, if I’m honest, about my own thought during sex: I don’t much. I wish I could say that whenever I have sex with someone I am 100% focused on them. Hell, I can’t even say I create a rich fantasy in my head of myself and Ryan Reynolds flying off into the sunset on his private jet. Nope, the best I can usually do is several moans and some ass grabbing (if my hands are free).
It’s not a personal thing, and certainly not a reflection if my relationship with said other partner. It’s that what I am physically feeling completely takes over my brain. During breaks I really try to make eye contact and focus on my partner. As we shift positions or move from one sex act to another I try to check in. This is generally because once said activity starts, my mind goes completely blank.
Trust me, I know how pathetic that sounds and I wish I could do better. Part of me thinks that is why I like blow jobs to much; I can completely focus on my partner. During sex I register what I am feeling physically and whether or not it feels good. How I feel about it emotionally usually doesn’t hit me until later. Which is probably why I look for guys that I have an emotional connection with. I need to trust them enough to know that they will be around for the aftercare portion of the evening (even for non-BDSM sex). During sex I let go and float along with all the pleasant feelings and moments of no responsibility. Having someone hold me as cold, hard reality slaps me in the face once again is nice.
This double-edged sword of a question also has a changing significance for me now that I’m poly. I guess I generally want my husband and Jack, or any other future partner, to know that when I am with them I am focused on them. And, I expect the same from them. I like the idea of Jack missing me and thinking about me, but not when he’s with another woman. If, for no other reason than I don’t want him thinking about them when he’s with me.
Poly, at least for me, doesn’t mean that I’m thinking about other people all the time. Whether you are emotionally invested or not I think you should be able to respect your partner enough to focus on them during sex. And, even if you don’t, consider your answer to the above question carefully, though any answer is likely to be wrong.
I should also add, if you ever find the urge to ask someone this question (or a variant of it), don’t. Even in the heat of a fight. No answer will make you feel good or win the argument. The very asking of means you’ve already lost.
*I should clarify that I’ve only really ever heard this used on television. A few sitcoms and daytime soap operas (when I watched them) would bring it out from time to time in order to add even more drama to a fight. I’ve never met anyone who has actually use it in an argument. But then, I also don’t have a lot of close friends that I talk about my sex life with. Except all of you, of course.
I can’t imagine all the work that Molly has put into the last 300 weeks, but having the opportunity to see everyone’s sexy pictures is amazing. So thankful to have a place to share and get feedback on my personal porn collection. Here’s to 300 more weeks!
Honestly, I just like the color differences in this shot. The yellow blanket, the blue wall, the sunlight. I’m sure I was trying to get leverage against the wall, and I love that too. Jack leaning in from just out of shot just pushes me over the edge, literally.
#1 – Do you view your submission as: Taken in hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, owner/pet, DD/lg; or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
I have used several labels to try and define and understand my submission. And while I currently don’t have a dynamic with my husband (or anyone else). I’m trying to sort out how I view my submissive mindset.
Initially I defined myself and our dynamic (when we had one) as dominant/submissive. Mostly because I didn’t really know what else was out there. Submissive still generally covers the broad strokes of what I am. And a dominant is generally what I am looking for. But through my exploration I’ve found that I would like something a little more specific.
My submission has elements of domestic discipline and top/bottom. But my submission and my needs tend to fit most closely with Owner/pet. I don’t gravitate toward animal play, more of a human pet type play. I want to serve and impress my owner, but I also want to be cherished. And I think that feeling moves me out of the master/slave set up in most cases.
I love to be pampered and pleasing. I don’t do bratty well and love to cuddle. There is a bit of cross over into DD/lg, but the idea of a Daddy doesn’t really turn me on. I like having expectations (chores, rules, routine, etc.). Though I’m not sure that rules my kink enough to be domestic discipline.
The problem is I have a multitude of kinks that put me into several overlapping categories. I consider myself a submissive, with several tentacles attached.
Each word takes on a different significance with the passage of time. Slave is slowly fading into the background. Whereas little and poly have grown. But I’m not sure if that is because of me, or due to my current situation. Maybe the right dominant would change that back around again.
While I have gotten better at defining things that I would like out of a dynamic, I haven’t experienced any specific one long enough to rule it out. I think I would benefit from a Dominant willing to show me what he wants, and see how it fits. Or, a Dominant with just as many adjectives as me, who is ready to try new things. Maybe we end up finding the perfect set up together, but even if we don’t, we would both learn from the experience.
*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*
This has been a year of ups and downs (how generic is that?). I’m not really sure I’ve had a year with more dramatic highs and lows. It’s just odd how many personal goals I have achieved this year. I think they were surrounded by so many global lows that it’s hard to find them through the fog. Between Brexit and the clusterfuck that was the U.S. Presidential election, it’s been tough. Not to mention all the influential people that have passed away this year. It’s been a public year that I would love to leave behind, but a personal year that I wouldn’t mind repeating.
I started my own business. – It has always been a goal and last February I officially got my L.L.C. up and running. I haven’t become a worldwide sensation, but I have a few clients and some pretty business cards. Hopefully I can give it more time in the coming year, but it will probably never be a full-time thing, and that’s okay.
We moved into our house. – Although we bought it in 2015, we didn’t officially move in until May of this year. The kitchen remodel and refinishing the floors took several months, and it was great to move into finished product rather than a renovation. There are still projects to do, there always are, but we are finally settled. Moving from rental to rental was a stressful process, and the idea of not looking at a moving truck for a decade or two sounds downright blissful.
I went back to work. – Separate from the business, I went back to work. I had been employed as a consultant for a database company from home. But when the opportunity came up to get back into an office and get good insurance coverage for everyone, I jumped at it. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my old masturbation sessions with Jack in the afternoon, but getting out of the house has been good for me. I mean, I wear more than sweatpants now, so that’s something.
My sleeve tattoo is finally finished. – I need to get a good picture to show it off, but I’m beyond happy with it. The whole thing took about 18 months to complete. There were several months between some of my appointments due to various hangups for me and my artist. But early in December I was able to go for my last piece of lace and touch-ups. I’m sure I’ll have a few spots that I will go back and have darkened at some point. Right now though, I couldn’t be happier with what she was able to do with my design request.
And then there were the more kinky aspects of my year….
We opened our marriage. – After talking a lot about other partners and sexual experiences, my husband and I decided to open our marriage. Looking back, this has been a roller coaster of a decision. I had a not go good interaction with a local dom that made me take a huge step back and question everything. Luckily, I kept an open mind and learned from my mistakes. Finding Jack and Jill and visiting them this fall was an amazing experience. Hopefully we will be able to work out another visit (or twelve) this year.
I started identifying as Poly. – I think I can safely say that this is purely because of Jack. After my negative experience, I never really thought that I would find someone that I had a deep emotional connection with outside of my marriage. When we opened up, I was looking for a friend with benefits. Someone to joke around with and maybe exchange oral once and awhile. But he is so much more than I could have hoped for. Aside from sharing a birthday, he has become such a good friend and lover. I am so happy to call him secondary and I know that our relationship will do nothing but grow in the coming year. (Get it, I said coming. He appreciates me, don’t judge.)
I had sex with a woman. – I don’t really classify myself as bisexual. Women are beautiful and I appreciate their minds and bodies. I just don’t really have emotional connections with them like I do with men. The one woman I thought I loved broke my heart, so it’s not really anything I’ve looked for. Visiting California this fall was a wonderful chance to have my first threesome and experience a woman’s body. Jill is lovely and I appreciate her letting me have that connection with her. Certainly something I would love to do again.
I doubled my ‘slept with’ list. – Not only did I have my first same-sex sexual encounter this year, but I actually doubled the number of people I have slept with. I went from three to six. I know, I was shocked too. Not sure I will be able to do the same next year, but as that number hasn’t changed at all in the decade before this, I was impressed.
I finally stopped ‘fighting’ my submission. – Through everything that Sir (my husband) has been dealing with this year I kept coming back to whether or not I really needed submission. Maybe I could just turn it off and everything would be easier. It took me awhile, but I realized that that’s stupid. I’m a submissive. I always have been in one form or another and I know now that I always will be. And I have the power to submit to who I choose. I know these seem like obvious conclusions to reach, but it’s taken me awhile to get there.
As far as resolutions go I tend to be too optimistic. I set high expectations for myself and then hate myself by the end of January. I always want to lose weight and write more, so we’ll see how that goes. My 101 Things in 1001 Days ends this year, so there are several things to work toward on there. Lots more photos, reflection, and erotic writing to come. And, I’m sure, the continuing fight with my depression will appear from time to time. You know, to break up all the boob pics.
“You are amazing and wonderful in every way. I am glad we have this connection, and I’m glad we are stuck with each other. You are my lover, my slut, and my princess, and I want to hold you close to me forever.”