Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Taking Positive Steps, Skips, and Jumps

I remember at time when I was pretty positive I was asexual. I not only didn’t feel attractive, but I didn’t think that my attractions to others were normal either. It was difficult for me to think positively about sex or relationships, and that led to several bad choices and hurt feelings. I wish I could say this was a singular occurrence, but I often look at my writing aspirations the same way. I tend to write in an odd voice and cadence (much how I speak) and that’s not for everyone. Funnily enough, I would describe my current sex drive and tastes the same way; odd, and not for everyone.

Recalling those times and feelings is painful. Only in the last few years have I really started to feel like a sexual person. I enjoyed intimacy with my husband, but it certainly wasn’t something I craved. Now I have a completely different prospective to what sex can offer me as an individual and to my relationships. And I think that that has, in turn, affected my writing in a positive way.
As I gain more confidence in my sexual and writing life, I’ve started to step out and move away from the negative and painful memories. My polyamory has been a big step towards that. It’s not always easy (I’m sure there will be lots more Poly Problem posts), but it has show me my own strength. Even just the idea that I am allowed to have needs in my sexual relationships has been quite freeing.
My writing is seeing a growth as well. I don’t always get the time to focus on it as much as I would like. Family, full-time job, and my depression take over from time to time. But I have taken some steps to improve that. And, I’m even starting to recognize and accept my own talent. I started a Patreon account this week. It’s nothing that I would have ever considered a few years ago. I never would have had the confidence to ask people to pay for my work. The idea of selling myself like that was hard to wrap my head around, and I thought about it for awhile before deciding it was the right move. The money could allow me to advance my writing and continue to make steps towards publishing. The idea of being a full-time writer may not be in my future, but still consider this a positive step.
As much as the recollection of my past is difficult, it continues to strengthen my resolve. The idea of ever being ashamed of my sexuality or interest in writing erotica again has faded. And hopefully my patreon will do well and I can continue to grow in both my sexual and writing experiences.
In other words, you’re stuck with me for awhile 🙂

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Poly Problem #4: The First Someone Else

There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.

So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.

However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.

Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.

It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.

My Advice (such as it is):

Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.

Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.

The Threesome Third Wheel

Rye as a third with Jack and Jill.

As Molly was nice enough to use one of my Sinful Sunday photos for this topic, I feel terrible that I am waiting until the last day to get my piece posted. But I was excited that I could use it to discuss a fun, romantic experience that I hope to have again for Wicked Wednesday. Maybe next Valentine’s day. 🙂

I think threesomes are wonderful things. I’ve only had one threesome experience so far, though two nights in a row. Jack and Jill are a wonderful couple and I couldn’t have fantasized a better first encounter. At the time though, I was a nervous mess. Here was a couple that a) had had several previous threesomes, b) had an amazing physical connection on their own, and c) already knew all the right moves and tricks to please the other. So I was this third wheel coming in trying to play catch up and learn as quickly as possible.

Admittedly, there is something exciting about that third wheel experience. It’s new and I think adds to the pleasure of the evening. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love to try a threesome with my husband or Jack and a third unknown person. I imagine there is a comfort in knowing and completely trusting one person going into that adventure. Personally, I think it would make me more confident in my actions. Knowing that I had the support and could be certain of pleasuring at least one of us would make me more likely to take charge. I would act on that urge to tell him to fuck me while I sucked on her clit, rather than just wishing one of them would mention it.

I think that is the general third wheel fear, at least for me. This couple knows each other’s buttons and tells to ensure the pleasure of the other. The third is just spit-balling. If one could relax and go with the flow, I’m sure that would help. I’m just sort of an anxious person when it comes to sex, so I was lucky to have an amazing couple who was patient with me.

In all my readings, both fiction and non-fiction, that is what a threesome is for someone though. A third wheel type experience. More often than not there are two people who know each other intimately inviting a third into their fun. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a story where three strangers meet at a bar or social gathering and end up in a hotel room together. Though, now that I say that, I may have to write it, just so I can say it’s out there.

Kink of the Week logo

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Remembering the Good Times

Wow, another great video memory that I can add to my growing collection of personal porn movies. The movies help me remember and feed my hunger during the long absences that, for better worse, define our relationship. We’ve always shared our deepest fantasies and desires. I recall the earliest video moment he shared with me. A very simple solo wanking session in the shower. Simple, but for me that movie always held a special place in the development of our relationship. Its lucky that I live in the digital age otherwise I’d have worn the tape out by now given how many times I’ve revisited that scene.

It was wonderful to see each other again after such a long wait. I love  that we were able to give the gift of ourselves to each other again. There are so many things left on both our lists, but we celebrate and cherish each one as we achieve it as if its the most important thing in the world to us at that point in time. The celebration serves to ensure a re-commitment to our friendship that was forged all those years ago when this type of connection wasn’t possible and keeps it fresh when we are apart. 

Our play that morning started out fairly tame. I was still recovering from the spanking session the night before and we were both a bit worn down. Only seeing each other a few times a year leaves us pouncing on each other from the time we get off the plane until we have a tearful goodbye. After the intensity of the night before, I wasn’t expecting more than a cuddle and maybe some gentle fucking. And that’s how we started off, but as it is often the case we just can’t accept vanilla. We always need to be doing something new, exploring our sexuality and trying things we haven’t been able to with other partners.

I’d taken top position this morning, gently rocking backwards and forwards. Slowly impaling myself deliciously onto his cock with repeated moans. All he had to do was lie there and enjoy it. Well, he did do a bit more and my nipples were thankful for the tongue and teeth action. After a few minutes he whispered in my ear to turn around and ride him reverse cowgirl. He’d always wanted to watch his cock enter my pussy from that angle. He had also mentioned that it provided the perfect platform for some anal fun.

As always, I was happy to oblige. Spinning around quickly I resumed my back and forth rocking action. I heard appreciative sighs and comments from him as I went about my business. I was soon moaning myself as the angle hit my g-spot with precision. Then I felt his hands on my butt cheeks. He started a slow circular motion with his hands, opening my cunt and ass to his gaze.

By this time I was getting aroused and my wetness was dripping down my thighs. He next reached out and scoped up some of the wetness on to his fingers which he then applied to my anus. He went back a few more times and when he felt my ass was lubed enough he slowly inserted a finger into my ass. His pace was maddening slow but I could sense his awe and fascination in what he was doing. After a while he added a finger from his opposite hand. In tandem he used them to pry me open. From his breathing he was clearly enjoying what he was doing. And so was I. My wetness grew as did the urgency of my rocking. A minute later we were slamming into each other, the noise of slapping flesh reverberating around the room.

As our excitement grew, our motions increased in urgency. With a guttural cry he released my ass and grabbed my hips. He pulled me down hard and held me there as he pumped his load of cum into my quivering vagina. I collapsed forward, keeping him inside me. I could feel him slowly softening.

Just before I was going to hop off and swing around for a cuddle I felt him pulling me backwards, wanting me to back up his body. It took me a second to realize what he wanted and when I did I was eager to take this opportunity. I had often spoken about having someone lick their cum from me after they fucked me. As most of my other partners were either dominant or vanilla no one has been inclined to do so. I tried to hold his cum inside of me as I positioned myself with my knees either side of his head. Leaning forward and supporting myself on my arms I positioned my open pussy just above his mouth.

He reached up with both hands and gentle pulled my labia apart. Lifting his head he gave me a quick lick before lying back. Encouraging me to push his cum out of my pussy I strained and pushed as hard as I could. Initially I couldn’t feel anything but after a short while I could feel his cum slowly sliding down my inner labia. His obvious excitement at this was evidenced in his heavy breathing and occasional gasps. The first drip was quite small, but the second one was much larger. He managed to get both drops straight into his mouth. Swallowing deeply I could sense his savoring of the mix of juices and tastes of both of us.

He then set upon my open pussy devouring it like a starving man. He couldn’t get enough of me. Licking and sucking. The occasional finger seeking out any remaining cum. He kept at this for a long while and my excitement grew once more. Sensing this he went at my clit with his tongue. Bring me to a second  and third shuddering orgasm.

After coming down from the climax I  spun around and gave him the biggest, sloppiest kiss I could give. We hugged and cuddled for awhile, but eventually needed some food. Begrudgingly, we rose from the bed and had a soapy handsy shower together.

As I hit the stop button I mused that it would have been good to have captured the shower scene as well. Instead I roll the video back to the beginning and hit play again. Oh well, there is always next time.

Poly Problem #53: Sharing Porn

Because Jack and I live quite a distance apart, we generally chat on twitter or via text. We talk mostly about our families and how much we want to be fucking each other at that moment. Jokes and kid’s quotes get shared for the other to read when the other wakes up. The time change, while annoying, is manageable as we both put in the effort. As with any long-distance relationship, it takes work.

We also share a lot of photos. Most are selfies, taken during our conversations to depict a certain mood or response. I’ll admit to sending quite a few boob pics and if I think my hair looks particularly good that day I’ll see if he agrees. Basically our relationship is a bit of a teenage romance for me. Except with a lot more dirty talk and mutual masturbation. So, nothing teenage about it. And I’m sure it depends on how you define romance. I’m a beer and burgers with a B movie kind of girl rather than a wine and escargot with opera.*

There are also a number of nudes and dick pics. I don’t want to say how many, we’ll go with a lot. Some videos too. Many saved on my phone for occasions when I need a little help (not help doing dishes, if that’s not obvious). I still maintain, hearing him moan my name as he cums is the hottest thing. Which is my not so subtle segway into today’s Poly Problem – Sharing porn.

Jack and I were chatting the other day, as we often do. Conversation turned to sexy things that he’d like to do to me (one of my favorite topics). A steamy photo or two were exchanged and I asked him if I could have another video. I have a thing about watching him jerk off. He will send me a video from time to time, often with a good moan of my name included. I have a great one from when he was here in December on loop right now. Getting a new one is always a gooey present. This time he had an interesting response:

“Sure I can send you one. It doesn’t have any names in it as I sent it to Jill earlier. Does that bother you?”

I said it didn’t bother me and he sent the video over. I enjoyed it and didn’t give it another thought until later that night. Getting ready for bed I pulled the video back up. I thought about the fact that he had made it for Jill. That he had sent it to her first. I felt like I should be upset, but I couldn’t pin point why. I mean, I would love to have Jack all to myself for an extended period. But at the same time, I respect that we have separate lives.

I would be lying if I said that knowing that Jack sent the same photos to me that he sent to every other woman he talks to doesn’t bother me. There are times when I want something to be just for me. To have a piece of him that I don’t have to share. I’m hoping that’s normal. But does it bother me if I get a video/photo/etc. that someone else has seen? It certainly didn’t make it any less hot. And it’s not like I haven’t sent him a photo that I had previously posted on twitter or on here.

Is there an expectation with all things intimate that they be exclusive to the recipient? This falls back to one of my previous posts about thinking about someone else when you are having sex. Does that apply to masturbation as well? If you shoot a video or photo of an erection that you got while thinking about someone other than who you send it to, is it less sexy?  I don’t think so, but I guess I could see how some people would think so. The rabbit hole on this can get deep very quickly.

I think maybe this is something to be sorted out with your partners on a case by case basis. Depending on how many people you play/flirt with, it may not be an issue. But to ensure that everyone feels special and appreciated when they are with you, it would be something to be up front about. I’m pretty relaxed about it, but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled to get a video with Jack moaning someone else’s name. Though, honestly, I would probably just mute it and grab my Doxy. Hey, when you find something that works for you, you don’t ask why.

Masturbation Monday logo

*Though as a completely random note, I love The Pirates of Penzance. I can be classy…sometimes.

Poly Problem #72 – Distance

Obviously distance is not a problem for all poly relationships. Some polys all live together in the same house or see each other for regular dates. But no, I couldn’t do this the simple way. Finding a local poly guy who was interested in me in my local, conservative community was never going to happen. Even expanding the search area to the tri-county area wouldn’t yield positive results, though perhaps some pretty sketchy ones. No, I had to find a guy who I have a ton in common with, have a wonderful sarcastic rapport, and an amazing physical attraction. The catch is that he lives 2,500 miles away. And while a 38-hour drive (trust me, I’ve mapped it) sounds good most of the time, it doesn’t fit in my daily family responsibilities.

So, how should we get through this large gaps between our sexy visits? We talk everyday. Considering how well we generally get on and how much we just enjoy chatting, this helps a lot.  Having ‘regular life’ things in common like jobs, kids, and similar general annoyances, we can always strike up a conversation about something. Having a message when I get home from work about legos or something silly his daughter said always makes me smile. And being jealous of the photos of food help distract me from missing him.

There is the sexy stuff, obviously. The fact that he can make me feel sexy from three time zones away is amazing. And the videos of him stroking himself and moaning my name definitely help me get through the day. Having those videos and photos from our time together, while they do make me miss him, also make the distance seem doable. I smile as I flip through those memories and I know that they will happen again.

We also close the distance with lots of everyday photos. He likes to send me shots of him in the shower, getting ready to run errands, or cleaning. It seems mundane, but that’s why I love it. He makes me part of his everyday life. Sharing bad and good days helps us to support the other and our spouses. It’s all one big positive vibe.

Now I say that with only a small percentage of jest. Some days the distance is crushing. When I have a bad day at work or the kids just won’t go to bed I think how nice it would be to be hidden away in a hotel room with Jack. There are those moments when running away from responsibilities makes me look at flights to California. But usually just talking to him or my husband about my rough day makes it better. And having that support and encouragement from two people is wonderful.

I will say that distance poly, at least for me, is different from a ‘traditional’ long-distance relationship. Because my primary partner is a part of my everyday life, there isn’t the same loneliness. I still miss Jack terribly, but we get support from our spouses to help us through. And I don’t remember this much sexting from my previous relationships, though I may have been doing it wrong.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I think as a young girl I always imagined there was one perfect guy out there for me. That my knight in shining armor would come to sweep me off my feet and meet all of my needs, whatever they might be. And, as I self-aware teen, I, of course, knew exactly what those needs would be (at this point sarcasm should be dripping from your screen). The pressure on that poor man would have been horrific. I shudder to think what I have been putting my husband through for the last ten years. No wonder his back is so bad.

But there is something interesting that I am slowly realizing as I delve into poly: It’s okay to have relationships with different people in order to meet different needs/wants. I know, I know. It’s crazy! My small mind is still struggling to wrap around this idea, as obvious as it is for some. I can allow people to show me parts of themselves without pressuring them to be something they are not. And I can be me with each of them, but they don’t have to worry about meeting all of my needs all the time. I know that this may not work for everyone, nor should it. I guess I have just always felt bad when my husband hasn’t really been into something that I am, and vice versa. So realizing that I we don’t have to everything to one another all the time was quite a shock.
Over the last few months I have been looking into different aspects of this idea. Not being a different person with different people, but letting different aspects of myself out. And that, interestingly, has led to me being called several names. I don’t think I did it on purpose, it just sort of happened. But I think it helps to foster the connection, and makes me feel quite special to that person.
Friend with Benefits – “Eve”
We have been friends for nearly three years now. We share everything and talk a lot through. When we are angry with our spouses we talk it out with the other person before picking a fight. It has saved us both from a lot of needless arguments. There is always support for our dieting and various personal improvement pursuits. Our age difference is irrelevant and our feelings continue to grow. There may even have been some exchanged photos and videos, all in a manner of research, of course. 🙂
This has caused a bit of emotional strife. He means a great deal to me, and I know I am special to him. But as we are both trying to explore our sexuality in a safe space, we often share desires and fantasies that include the other person. This doesn’t bother me too much, but I think it highlights the distance for him. He started calling me ‘Eve’, his temptress, earlier this fall. I think as I have opened up my marriage, his seems to be closing ranks (at least in his opinion). But we don’t judge each other, we support one another through all of our struggles. That constant support has been vital to my growth and blogging. I cannot imagine my life without him in some sort of capacity, even though he lives half way around the world.
Dominant – “Little One”
I’m not sure what this is, to be honest. He’s a friend and fellow blogger than I flirt with on Twitter. It’s nice to talk about my submission and things I want to try without putting pressure to preform. I do get a certain giddiness when he calls me ‘little one’ though. Mostly because I haven’t been little in a long time. I do find myself falling into the category of ‘little’ quite easily though. A stuffed animal and some cartoons and I am a happy camper.
We chat about our various hobbies and our kids. He and his sub are getting married next year, so I’ve been enjoying talking to him about wedding plans. But discussing his local D/s scene is nice. I am jealous on many levels as he talks about clubs and his community. No one else that I chat with on twitter regularly is into BDSM. Each of the other men listed here either aren’t into D/s or don’t define themselves as dominant. My husband is working on himself right now, and I know that BDSM is a future goal for us. But talking to this gentleman (and he is) is good perspective.
Husband – “Rye”
He is my rock. We have been through so much together and I’m sure will be through much more. We have two adorable, if infuriating, children together and I can’t imagine being a parent with anyone else. Our mutual mental illnesses included, we love and support each other through everything. The last year has been difficult. The move and starting our businesses (yes, plural) has been stressful. We are supporting one another through our struggle and he never ceases to amaze me.
He understands me more than any other person could. We never go to bed angry, unless it’s at the children. And I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be understanding and supportive about being open and poly. I just hope that he finds what he is looking for out of it as well. He knows exactly when I’m having a terrible day and knows which junk food I want to feel better. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Lover – “Baby”
Generally he does call me by my real name, but when he calls me baby I go all puddily. Our mutual love of sarcasm and wit make for hilarious conversations. We enjoy eating and watching cartoons almost as much as we enjoy fucking. He is endlessly positive and supportive of everything I do. I know that our relationship is still very young, but we feel old together.  He is a bit older than me, but, aside from calling me ‘baby’, he doesn’t treat me like a child.
I know that he has other partners. I’ll admit that that fact isn’t always easy to stomach. But considering the number of states between us, it’s hardly like I can complain. The time we have together, however, fleeting, is wonderful. Knowing him has certainly helped me to work on being in the present. The future will happen whether I want it to or not, no point worrying about now. And we both seem to want each other in it.
Many different names, but I’m still me.

A Picture is Worth…

We sat down on our large couch to watch the show. Full of burgers and fries, the new episode of The Grand Tour was a perfect end to the afternoon. The guys each had a beer, but I would have to drive Jack and I back to the hotel, so I grabbed a soda instead. I instinctively sat between them. I kept glancing at each one in turn. They kept staring at the television so as not to possibly interrupt a moment with me and the other man.  It was a little awkward, but the laughter from show soon relaxed our nerves.

I had been worried about Sir meeting Jack for the first time. He is generally always concerned about meeting anyone who reads my blog as they are aware of our lifestyle and our depression. Not that he is ashamed, but he often feels like he doesn’t come off very well, especially lately. I never want him to feel like that, but I cannot argue that my frustrations do occasionally get aired here. The realization that I only call him Sir on here anymore was hard for both of us last week. I keep trying to decide if I am going to change and just call him ‘the husband’, ‘hubby’, or keep Sir. Anyway, they had found a lot to talk about and seemed to be getting along well. Jack isn’t as obsessed with cars as Sir and I, but relaxed into the show well.

After the first ten minutes or so Jack set his beer down on the coffee table and scooted closer to me. As I set my empty soda can on the table as well he grabbed my hand and rested it against his thigh. I wasn’t trying to hide it from Sir, but I also wasn’t sure if he saw. The show was pretty engrossing as the hosts were building cars out of natural materials and the mud car had fallen apart again.

I squeezed Jack’s hand and he rubbed my knuckles. It seemed so tame considering the last day and half. Thousands of pictures back at the hotel were proof of that. But the intimacy of it was so erotic. There we sat, clothed, and watching television. I was more than just a slut he fucked. This was us, in a relationship. Spending time together in my home. Sharing stories and pictures of our kids as I have him a tour. I had made him a part of my life and he had accepted the responsibility with vigor.

Sir finished his beer and took his glass into the kitchen. When he came back he sat down and reached for my other hand. I gave it to him willingly. Going back to the show I sat perfectly still for a moment. I think I was waiting to feel really awkward. Like holding their hands at the same time would make it all too real and I would get emotional and have to let go. I kept waiting. The feeling never came. Instead I looked down as if I was having an out of body experience.

Whenever I thought of polyamory I never thought it could work for me. It was a fantasy never to be achieved. It was something that I could only ever dream of. The idea of having a lover and a Dominant was a fantastic idea, but not attainable. I wanted someone who would keep me sexually sated. A lover who spoiled me rotten with gifts and attention. A Dominant who played hard with me. Keeping me in line while giving me the structure and attention I craved. And a husband that I could support and who would support me throughout our lives. It’s been a bit of shock that I could even come close to having everything.

Thinking about polyamory over the last few months has always been in abstract forms. I wasn’t sure if I could really handle another relationship, much less multiples. And I tend to fall hard and fast, and that’s usually not what others are looking for. But a quick fuck or scene every now and then just isn’t feasible for me. My individual self-worth (right or wrong) is directly linked to being helpful and satisfying to others. I’m not sure if that is the same for all submissives, but it’s just the way I am. Having a dominant, or a lover, drift in and out of my life wouldn’t work for long. Even though Jack is across the country, we still talk almost every day. Maintaining my emotional connection to him is what keeps the physical relationship possible, at least for me. Any other person would need/want to have the same level of commitment to me as I do to them. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, and if it is that may explain why I don’t have a line of partners.

The three of us sat together for around half an hour with our hands intertwined. It felt like hours and I would have been thrilled had it been so. It was so peaceful. Every once in awhile one of them would brush my knuckles or give me a squeeze that would send shock waves through my skin. It was amazing and I didn’t want it to end. I think when the show was over we just sat there for a moment. I probably could have sat there for much longer, just letting the sexual tension build. Eventually we put our drinks away and played a board game before Jack and I headed back to the hotel.

On the drive back Jack and I both commented how nice the moment was. He said he could feel my body relax as we sat there, all together. I wasn’t that surprised that he noticed. The moment moved me more than I ever expected. It was beautiful as a physical representation of everything I wanted from polyamory. Of everything that polyamory could be for me. And the realization that I could actually make it work.

Still wish I had a picture though.

Poly Problem #83

So, the lover made a comment about coming to visit this weekend. I just about started running around the house in excitement. But then I started to think, which I never a good thing. Trying to get things around on such short notice would be crazy. What would we do with the kids? I have so much prep for thanksgiving next week. We are hosting this year, which takes care of one of my 101 Things, but also brings a pile of stress. There is just a lot of cleaning, cooking, and planning. I want to see him so badly, but when he told me that it probably wasn’t going to happen I wasn’t too upset.

I mean, in reality I was sad, but there was no point getting too bummed about it. Especially since he immediately started discussing a few possible weeks in December. More excitement and possibility. And, because I can’t take anything positive and accept it, I have to dissect into ruin. I have already begun thinking about all of the ways that this could go wrong.

The biggest concern is that it’s only been about six weeks. If he does find a way to sort a visit before Christmas, then it will be  under three months since I saw him last. That sounds amazing, doesn’t it. Except, here’s the rub. It’s completely unsustainable. With our finances, I’ll be lucky to be able to fly out once a year to see him. And I can’t ask him to shoulder the cost of our relationship more than what I can give.

I just don’t want to create the expectation of getting to see him too often. If we see each other in December, I am worried that when February comes around I will expect to see him again. And when we can’t make it work I am worried I would get upset. At him, at myself, at other’s that I love around me. And it’s not fair to anyone. Obviously I want to see him as often as possible. But our lives, for the most part, will have to be apart. And it’s weird to me that I almost want to wait to see him again so that I get used to it.

And then I miss him. I want to joke and be sarcastic and fuck like rabbits. To cuddle, and laugh, and eat junk food. All those things top my cravings more than missing him ever will. The very idea of promoting space between us seems horrible.

How do I always get myself into these situations where I have two bad options?

Poly Problem #41

Poly problem: When he lives so far away that part of you wants him to find someone else so he can be happy during the times you are apart, but the other part of you hates that idea because you are already jealous enough of his wife.

That’s a huge over-simplification. I’m just boiling it down to base emotional pulls to make it more applicable to others.

Option #1: Be honest. Tell him that it’s hard and that you miss him. Let him know that you want him to be happy and you don’t want the distance to ruin that. And that while you know he has other lovers and sometimes that can sting, you can’t hold it against him either. And remember that you think his wife is hot and lovely.

Option #2: Play the manipulative game. Be hurt and sad whenever he mentions a date or hook-up. Play the victim when he talks about any experience other than ones with you. Romantic gestures not directed at you are scoffed at and then immediately begged for.

Let’s just assume that you’ve already realized that the only viable option is #1. I’m not going to say that it’s easy. Trust me. But the other road only makes you seem whiny and aloof. I mean, poly relationships can mean different things to different people, but the root word means ‘many’, so that should be a clue.

I’m an emotional connection person. I need that to be turned on and have any kind of positive sexual experience. But some people don’t (and that’s okay). My look at polyamory and our open marriage focuses a bit more on the ‘amory’. I have several loves, keyword there being loves, not several. And that isn’t set in stone as Sir and I continue our road down an open marriage.

For many the focus is the other way around. But they don’t try to hurt anyone with their relationships. On the contrary, most of the ‘many’ focused people I talk to are honest about who they are. They don’t want to hurt anyone, they are just being themselves. Trying to change that by manipulating or making them feel guilty won’t get you very far. If anything, it just hurts you both. And who wants to open up their marriage just to be shamed by someone else.

Realistically, I’ve only been in an open marriage for a few months, and in a poly relationship with someone for a few weeks. I’m not an expert in any way. This is more a common sense approach to a problem. And these two options many not be the only two, but these are the two I have seen in my experience and conversations online. I think I just wanted to write this down 1) to make sure I wasn’t missing something huge that a reader might point out, but 2) so that I can have a slap in the head if I ever feel like that second option will get me what I want. Because it won’t, 100% of the time.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

**The title of this wandering of words is not meant to imply that being poly is full of problems. There are just as many issues with closed relationships. If anything, the title was only meant to imply that I pulled this topic out of the air. Much the way that things pop in and out of my head, only this time I made you suffer through one of them.