Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 4

#4 –  Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

As a woman, I often feel like I have to be dominant in my vanilla life a lot. I have to be knowledgeable, outgoing, and confident; three things I rarely actually am. As a wife and mother I find myself taking on a dominant role  at home. Being the task master when it comes to chores, hygiene (boys are gross), and our schedule.

When it comes to sex I am rarely, if ever, dominant. I think I tried to bed, way back when, but that could have just been frustration at my partner. My husband and I played around with being switches when we were first trying to spice things up. I even have a strap-on. It was all in-the-bedroom play. I didn’t really get much out of it, but it wasn’t about me. I would usually get some sort of sexual release later on in the evening. But, it was difficult for me to connect with him when I was trying to be a top.

In essence, I rarely feel comfortable being a dominant. I’m looking forward to the possibility of a promotion later this year that would put me in a supervisory position. Nothing else about the position scares me, but having to discipline a subordinate will be a new experience. Obviously not planning to use a flogger, but even just words will be a difficulty.

The Wonderful World of Ifs

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If this, if that…

1. If you were forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Once you wind her up; she won’t stop.
2. If you were a Sesame Street character, which one would you be?

Slimey the worm.
3. If you could have an endless supply of a candy or baked good, what would you get?

Mint Milanos if we are going non-homemade. Probably my dad’s cheesecake if we sticking to the homemade category.
4. Who is your favorite villain? Why? 

Alan Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Anyone who would cut your heart out with a spoon is my evil hero.
5. Are you more in tune with sunrise, daytime, sunset or nighttime?

As a morning person I guess I would say sunrise. Really, any time I can have coffee. I used to be much better at mornings before I had kids. But I guess I would still say I’m better in the mornings than any other time. I’m a pretty cranky person generally is what I am trying to say.

Bonus: If you took a job out of your current career path, what job would you take?

Well, my paid career path is in government. My aspirational career path is writing. If both of those are off the table I would love to be someone’s assistant. Plan and organize their life. I would be great at that. And I think it would fill a submissive need.

Define Your Kink: Day 1

#1 – Do you view your submission as: Taken in hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, owner/pet, DD/lg; or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I have used several labels to try and define and understand my submission. And while I currently don’t have a dynamic with my husband (or anyone else). I’m trying to sort out how I view my submissive mindset.

Initially I defined myself and our dynamic (when we had one) as dominant/submissive. Mostly because I didn’t really know what else was out there. Submissive still generally covers the broad strokes of what I am. And a dominant is generally what I am looking for. But through my exploration I’ve found that I would like something a little more specific.

My submission has elements of domestic discipline and top/bottom. But my submission and my needs tend to fit most closely with Owner/pet. I don’t gravitate toward animal play, more of a human pet type play. I want to serve and impress my owner, but I also want to be cherished. And I think that feeling moves me out of the master/slave set up in most cases.

I love to be pampered and pleasing. I don’t do bratty well and love to cuddle. There is a bit of cross over into DD/lg, but the idea of a Daddy doesn’t really turn me on. I like having expectations (chores, rules, routine, etc.). Though I’m not sure that rules my kink enough to be domestic discipline.

The problem is I have a multitude of kinks that put me into several overlapping categories. I consider myself a submissive, with several tentacles attached.

Masochist

Little

Pet

Slave

Slut

Poly

Each word takes on a different significance with the passage of time. Slave is slowly fading into the background. Whereas little and poly have grown. But I’m not sure if that is because of me, or due to my current situation. Maybe the right dominant would change that back around again.

While I have gotten better at defining things that I would like out of a dynamic, I haven’t experienced any specific one long enough to rule it out. I think I would benefit from a Dominant willing to show me what he wants, and see how it fits. Or, a Dominant with just as many adjectives as me, who is ready to try new things. Maybe we end up finding the perfect set up together, but even if we don’t, we would both learn from the experience.

 

*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*

When I am Asked the Hard Questions

I have actually been asked, by three different people over the last year, to clarify my needs. As far as needs go, I should be honest and say that there aren’t too many real needs in either category. I often say it jokingly, but I am pretty easily entertained. So, I attempted to identify what was actually a need and what was only a want. When I broke it down, there really aren’t that many.

Personal Needs
1. Priority – Everyone has lots on their plate. I think I just need (to feel at least) like I am someone’s priority some of the time. I feel like I always make everyone else a priority and it’s never returned.
2. More than just a convenience – Honestly, this is true for just about every relationship I have. I hate feeling like I’m only around when they want something. I feel like that with my kids all the time. But with my husband, lover, best friend, I want to feel like they want to be there for me too. I’ve written a lot on the blog about how I don’t want a lover without an emotional connection. I think this is along that same vein. I want someone that thinks about me when we aren’t together. That sees some small trinket or joke on tv and says ‘man, you know who would love that?’. This has been hard, especially with reference to the husband. I often feel like I’m only there to do dishes and suck his dick when he’s in the mood. It’s gotten much better, but there are scars there.
BDSM Needs
1. Consistency – I’m always looking for some kind of consistency. I thrive on routines. That is as much to do with my upbringing as my depression. But generally I like to know what is expected of me. Changing the rules at a moments notice will throw me off every time.
2. Games are for fun – I know there are sadists out there that love to set insurmountable tasks just for the fun of it. To watch their sub struggle knowing they will never be able to succeed. I hate that. If I try my hardest and I fail, I feel like a failure. But if I know that no matter how hard I try I won’t complete the task, I won’t even try. I will recede into a ball of inadequacy. If it’s a ‘see how many you can take game’, I’m great. But if its ‘mop this whole floor in five minutes’, I will just shut down.
3. Aftercare – I think I’m slowly realizing (through no fault of his own) that I wasn’t clear on how much aftercare I needed when the husband and I were doing D/s. I don’t think I ever got enough aftercare. Scenes would end right before bed and I would go to bed in a weird place. Cuddling wasn’t enough, and I’m not sure I was ever able to articulate that to him properly. I have an aftercare blanket. I found it in the basement the other day. I love it, but it wasn’t used often enough and now it’s not used at all. Even the few times we have ‘scened’ (I use the term loosely) in the recent past.

TMI Tuesday: Love, Emotion, Trust

love emotion trust

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1. What would you do to leave a great impression with a person on your first date?

I’m pretty shy until I get to know someone, but generally on dates I try to be funny. I’m sure I don’t always succeed.

2. Do you usually follow your heart or your head?

My heart. Nearly always. And it’s usually not a good outcome. I think that following my heart usually means that I act impulsively. And, as this blog pretty clearly shows, it doesn’t often work out.

3. If your significant other told you to jump off a tall cliff and told you that you’ll land safely because there’s a net you can’t see yet, would you blindly trust your s.o. and jump?

Can I call bullshit on this one? I don’t really think Sir would ever ask/tell me jump off a cliff. And I’m not sure I would jump, even if he did. I don’t think it has anything to do with trust though. If it has something to do with the safety of the kids, then maybe. But honestly, I’m not for high intensity activities (sex doesn’t count).

4. How do you support your significant other?

Support is such a broad word. I work full-time and my job gives the family insurance. I try to clean and keep the kids from driving us both crazy. I hope I support him emotionally as much as he wants. We both have depression, so I think we both struggle sometimes to give/ask for the emotional support that we need. But I hope I do an okay job.

5. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel loved?

When people really listen to me. When someone buys me a gift that they actually thought about. I love just spending time with someone. Playing games, watching a movie. I might also be a cuddle slut.

6. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel respected?

I feel respected at work when someone asks my opinion of something or asks me how to do something. Having my opinion and/or knowledge respected is big for me. I always appreciate a little credit too. I don’t really enjoy being the center of attention, but if I put a lot of work into a project and a boss or supervisor recognizes that effort I feel respected.

7. Can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy? Explain.

Yes. Speaking from my current place of having a partner with no sex drive to speak of, we still have a strong emotional connection. We’ve been together for ten years and we’ve had periods without physical intimacy before. We’ll get over this hurdle too, we always do.

Interestingly, for me, it’s the other way around. If I don’t have emotional intimacy it is very difficult for me to have positive physical intimacy. In my experience I cannot relax, I never orgasm, and I usually feel terrible afterwards.

Bonus:  In 2016, what was your most conflicted emotional moment?

Realizing that my connection with Jack was stronger than I had considered. This is important in it’s own right and I don’t want to down play it. But it is more the larger significance of learning that I could care about more than one person. That my love for Sir didn’t diminish. That I cared about him just as much, or more, because I also cared about someone else. My emerging understanding of how polyamory has manifested itself for me. I’m still not sure how it will grow and change as Sir and I get more (or less) comfortable with the idea. But I really love the idea that this could be something amazing.

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TMI Tuesday: Misc.

TMI Tuesday: August 16, 2016

Step right up! Get your TMI Tuesday here.

1. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why?

For me, the highlands of Scotland. No question. Beautiful in any weather during any time of day. Every photo I have of the landscapes and castles are stunning.

2. How old is the most expired item in your fridge?

March 2016

3. What’s under your bed?

Shoes, a stash of sex towels (for easy reach), probably some dirty socks

4. What is in your pocket?

Nothing, I don’t use my pockets.

5. Which famous person would you like to be best-friends with? Why?

J.K. Rowling. Multiple reasons. Scotland is an obvious connection point. Her writing skill is another. I think she’s funny, strong, and politically like-minded to me. And I think she might be a tad kinky 🙂

6. There is now a line of lacy lingerie for men. Would you wear it or like to see your man in it? See here and here

Why not? I can’t imagine Sir would go for it, but it might be nice to see him in it once or twice for fun.

Bonus: Think The Olympics. Men’s gymnastic uniforms–sexy or goofy? Discuss!

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The tops aren’t bad. The stirrup pants are a bit goofy though. At least the socks match. Just think of how bad they would be if they were a contrasting color. They don’t look any less manly than the outfits that figure skaters wear. And I guess you want something that doesn’t affect your balance or drag while you are spinning. Or anything that would catch on your skin or equipment.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

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March Q&A Madness

It’s that time again. The month of March is blogger world’s time of questions and answers. Nothing is off the table. I have very few secrets myself, though I keep others well. If you really want to hear my son’s birth stories or how I organize my work piles I will share it. Ask at your own risk for sheer boredom or ick-factor.

Questions for Sir will be put to him, but his answers may depend on his workload this month. I know he still struggles with getting back into D/s and coming back to the blog to post or answer questions, but I also know he wants to. After our ‘break’ over the holidays he stepped back from here. Possibly feeling judged or just not wanting to read how I was feeling during that dark time. I know it was just as hard for him to watch me go throw that, so I guess I understand that he wouldn’t want to read about it. So I guess that’s just a word of warning about asking him about that ‘break’ period. I’m not sure we even have all the answers to those questions yet.

I will start off the month with a question for myself and any other bloggers taking part who happen to read this post. Please feel free to answer below or post to your own blog. Can’t wait to see what we learn about ourselves and each other this month.

What is one positive thing that you have given to the world?

I love dogs. And I love to provide care and a good home to rescue dogs. My one positive thing was our dog, Toby. He was an adorable puppy (see below if you don’t believe me). And for his entire life he was happy and healthy. As tragically as his life ended (he was hit by a car), I try to remember the happiness that he had with us. He prepared me to be a good mom and he showed me how wonderful rescue dogs can be. Now I can’t imagine having any other type of pet. And I will be forever grateful to him for that. I miss him everyday.

Toby as a puppy sitting on Sir's lap.
Toby on Sir’s lap in 2009.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten all teary-eyed…

Can’t wait to answer your, hopefully happier, questions and read other bloggers answers throughout the month.

Twitter Query

@thes1lverf0x: Serious ? for my submissive friends for blog piece: what is the essence of submission for you? What’s important about it? DMs welcome.

This question was posted by @thes1lverf0x a few weeks ago. I keep coming back to it and changing my answer. The word ‘essence’ keeps throwing me. How can I possibly clarify properly what draws me to submission? Here is my attempt:

Submission is the feeling of being complete. When I finish a task or an order I have this sense of purpose. Not in a boastful way, but have an internal smile that I have met Sir’s high expectations of me. Before I found D/s, I was often depressed because I couldn’t meet my own impossibly high expectations. Becoming a submissive and eventually a slave forced me to let go of that negative cycle and trust Sir to tell me when I am not preforming. That was a lot harder than I originally thought. Walking away from my mother’s instilled personal requirements was difficult, but honestly one the best things for my emotional well-being. Sometimes I struggle with putting so much of my mood on Sir, but he has taken the challenge in stride.

I think submission, both inside and outside the bedroom, has given me the opportunity to discover everything that I can be. Having the chance to explore my slutty nature in the safety of Sir’s structure and rules has helped me to feel more comfortable. And, feeling more comfortable with my sexual and control fantasies lets Sir push me into things that I wouldn’t have considered. When I was judging myself, I would never have felt comfortable allowing anal play or any of the erotic photographs he’s taken. But by removing those insecurities and just focusing on pleasing him, I want to succeed. If he wants me to lose weight or shave better, he’ll tell me. I don’t have to worry if I’m good enough, which was always a problem in previous relationships.

It’s been two years since I read Fifty Shades and I experienced that pull toward a kinky life. Regular romance novels never drew that sort of response from me before. Whatever you feel about that book, it showed me a world that has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. And that is the essence of submission for me. In it’s rawest form it’s me finally finding a way for me to be selfish. I know, I know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but stay with me. I live to care for the people I love. I would fly out to L.A. to help my cousin find an apartment and I would stay up to talk to a friend whose husband is being a prick. Those things do make me happy. But submission is something that I do for me. Allowing myself to be taken over and at someone else’s whim is so refreshing for me. I don’t have to worry about holding the world together. I can focus on what Sir needs from me and giving everything I have to that. It’s a focus that I have never had in my vanilla life.

That is why I submit. I’m not sure if that is good or not. To enter it with such selfish motivations. That may be something that changes over time. In fact, since moving into 24/7 service, I have seen that begin to shift. My motivation is to show him how much he means to me. How much I want to be his. So that he knows that his control is the reason that I am so happy. Submission to him makes me whole.

Strap-on Security

Midas over on The Golden Treasure Trip commented on my Evaluation post with an interesting question. The topic of the post (because I really can’t expect you to read all my ramblings) was about how I give feedback to Sir about his performance as we hone in on our M/s roles. He offered some really good insight from his own experience and ended with this head scratcher:

You mention feeling guilty to critique a scene, that would be first focal point in my opinion. Which fear is below that guilt?

Such a simple question and I knew that it would rattle around in my brain for awhile. Not because I didn’t know the answer, but because I did. His question struck directly at the problem, I am incredibly insecure. I was insecure when we were vanilla, I’m not sure why I thought that it would just disappear.

It’s not all Sir’s fault. I blame previous relationships. You know, those ones where you think everything is going pretty well and they are moving on. When they eventually break up with you they are so checked out you don’t understand what is happening. Even if you look back months later and realize where things started to go downhill, that moment of shock and their abrupt departure stays with you.

When Sir told me that he was bisexual I thought that that was one of those moments. I was fine with his sexuality. He had had a boyfriend in the past, but he was with me. And I was fine, or thought so at least, for quite a while. But slowly, this nagging thought kept entering my brain. I don’t have a penis. I know, shocker. You wouldn’t think I would need a reminder of that very often, and yet. But that is where it started. And it grew.

I just got this niggling thought in my brain that he was going to wake up one day and realize that he needed a penis; pretty much the only thing that I couldn’t give him. And there is nothing I could do to shake that feeling. We’ve been together for over eight years, married for seven, you would think that I would be over it.

But I’m not. The idea of being critical of him is so difficult. Like I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and that will be it. I think that my past relationship experiences (even though they were years ago) have bolstered my insecurities of him leaving me. I don’t really address issues outside of our sexual relationship that well either. But this M/s set-up and feedback have really highlighted how little I feel comfortable criticizing him. There is also the knowledge that I know he is trying his best. He’s not being vindictive or cruel. He’s learning to be a Dom just as much as I am learning how to be his pet. It’s not completely natural for either of us. I don’t want to expect too much from him. We are both getting comfortable with our kinks. Neither of us wants to push too hard and have the other throw in the towel. And, as the submissive, I don’t want to come across as whiny and bratty either. A difficult balance to achieve.

I don’t think that Sir will leave me. He loves me. He loves our children and our life together. My insecurities are not due to anything that he has done. It’s just my own irrational fear of losing him. Of not being enough. He has never given me that impression. I just don’t know why I can’t believe him. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and I am everything he needs. So why can’t I just be happy that I don’t have a penis?

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This week’s Wicked Wednesday topic is Disability. I could wax poetic about how insecurity is my disability, but that would be disrespectful to those who struggle everyday with a real one. This difficulty is the closest I come to that struggle and I recognize how blessed I am. And growing up with a brother who has disabilities, I would never intend to judge or belittle those who have higher mountains to climb. You all are my heroes.

Wicked Wednesday

12 Random Facts about Me

 You would think that these things would be easy. But random is a lot harder than I would have thought.

If you comment on this writing I will give you a number between 1 and 20 and you can share that many random facts about yourself if you wish.  There is no obligation if you don’t want to write about yourself! If you just want to comment and tell me that you didn’t realize how crazy I was, I will completely understand.
Ancilla_ksst over at A Slave to Master gave me the number 12. These are facts that make me the unique slave that I am.
One of the many shows I watch. Girls with power tools are hot.
One of the many shows I watch. Girls with power tools are hot.

1. I am terribly addicted to HGTV.

I love home buying and renovating programs. I can’t wait to own our own home so I can make some of the beautiful things that I watch. And I can’t wait to tell our realtor that we don’t want a double vanity in our bathroom. I don’t understand why people can’t share a sink.

2. I am not a fan of piercings.

I am always up for another tattoo, but piercings don’t really do it for me. I think that tattoos can be personal, while a piercing is just a metal ring through your skin. However, Sir does like them, so my nipples and clit hood are on the list for eventual piercings. At this point, the healing time is what is currently saving my nipples. Not sure how long that will hold him back though.
I am pretty. It's one of the few parts of me that is small.
I am pretty. It’s one of the few parts of me that is small.
Look at those great lips. Total envy.
Look at those great lips. Total envy.

3. I have a small clit.

I’m generally only comparing it to women I see in porn and Tumblr, but still. Women have these great inner lips that look like these beautiful flowers. And their clits swell and grow, mine just doesn’t get anything like that kind of volume. I get jealous sometimes. A lot, actually. I have clit envy.

4. I hate carrots.

Since I was a kid I have always despised them, raw or cooked. And although vision is bad on both sides of my family, I’ve always believed that that is why I have bad eyes.

5. I love office supplies.

I loved school supplies when I was a kid. Having the eight months off before I started working again was rough. I will admit, one of the first things I did was go to the store to buy new pens. I know, I have a problem.

6. I lost my virginity while watching Gladiator.

For years after that I thought the movie was good (I was a bit distracted). I finally saw it and realized what a terribly sad and horrifically violent film it really is. It’s ok, you can judge me.
They are pretty in photos though. This is from the zoo.
They are pretty in photos though. This is from the zoo.

7. I hate flowers.

I appreciate their aesthetic value, but that’s about it. They die. I would take a tree or an herb garden over a dozen roses any day. That being said, I love other people’s gardening. I understand that it can be a great hobby. I guess I’m just more about the vegetable garden than the rows and rows of flowers.

8. I have never broken a bone.

I have torn ligaments in my ankle, but that is about it. Aside from my gallbladder surgery, the worse scars on my body are from some shaving mishaps when I was a teen. If you don’t count the stretch marks; which no woman does.
Yes, I chose the photo of him tied up on purpose.
Yes, I chose the photo of him tied up on purpose.

9. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The television show, not the movie. I actually thought it was lame until I was a freshman in college and my roommate was obsessed and had it on in our room all the time. And after listening to all the wit for several months, I too became obsessed. I also have an extreme crush on Spike. Maybe that should have been my first kinky clue.

10. I am left-handed.

I write, eat, and drive predominately with my left hand. I sleep on my left side. But I throw, bowl, and use a computer mouse with my right hand. I have absolutely no idea why.
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This is the original cover.

11. I am currently writing a screenplay.

I’m not sure it will ever come to anything, but as I always just book to movie adaptations, I thought I would see how difficult it is to do. So I picked a romance novel (just hear me out), and I am slowly cutting it down. It is hard to keep what is important about a character; and I want to take a lot line for line from the story. But although a seemingly traditional romance plot, I found this story to be very inspirational for me. The main character is a writer and this story isn’t all about having to change who you are for a person. Sacrifice is usually a big part of these stories and I always hated that. This is actually about growth. It’s on my 101 things list to complete; so we’ll see how my progress goes.

12. If you want to me to do something, put it to music.

I hate to clean, but if I can dance while I do it, I’m all yours. It will get done right, and it will probably get done pretty quick. When I was a teenager, my dad bought me these huge sound canceling headphones so I could listen to my Ipod while I mowed the lawn. I shake my ass while I do the dishes. The chance to dance while working is probably my key method of exercise at this point. And, right now at least, the kids think it is funny and dance with me. I’m sure in a few years they will think I’m crazy. But they think so with a clean house.
Hope you all learned a little more about me. If you wish to leave a note for Sir in comments, thanking him for taking me on, I will pass it along to him.