Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

RNB Award Nomination

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Jack, over at Frisky in the 916, was nice enough to nominate me for a RNB award. The questions he came up with were very thoughtful and different from the last set, so I thought I would give it a go. I really appreciate the support from the blogging community and all of the various readers. Your interest and support of this process has been amazing. So below are his questions and my (hopefully not too bland) answers. Thanks again!

1. How would you categorize your blog? Or does it defy categorization?

Often I would say it’s the ramblings of an idiot. On a good day I would call it a documentation of Sir and My’s 24/7 TPE relationship. We are transitioning our BDSM outside the bedroom with two young children. I talk about everything from the frustration of potty-training (the toddler, not me) to our various scene’s and issues. It’s not always sexy, but it’s always real.

2. What is the single greatest benefit that blogging provides you?

This blog has provided me with a wonderful community of support and feedback. Since our move, we haven’t really dived into the local scene and finding suitable childcare isn’t always an option. I find that I can express my feelings best in writing and can get my point across clearly. That outlet has been an enormous help.

3. Have you experienced any negativity as a direct result of blogging? If so, what is it and how did you overcome it?

I need to be careful how much about our lives I reveal in the blog. Sir has gotten upset with me in the past as I have given too much detail that could reveal our identities. Because of his job and reputation, we cannot be as open about our lifestyle as we both would like. Now I have him check personal details so that he feels comfortable with the information that I share.

4. Do you use a free blogging service such as WordPress or Blogger, or do you self-host? Why?

I used to use blogger. I was very happy with it. But after their threats to privatize my blog back in February and March, I decided I needed more stability. So I went with a recommended host and have been very happy with the results. I have great tech support and personalization options. It’s not free anymore, but I think it’s worth the cost to be able to post my own content without fear of censorship.

5. Do you blog anonymously, or are your family and offline friends aware of your blog?

I try my best to be anonymous. Only one of my closest friends knows about our relationship and that I have a blog. She doesn’t know what it is, nor does she follow it. No one in our extended family know about our lifestyle. I’m not really sure about how they would take it; probably just want to make sure we were both happy. But it’s not worth the conversation, nor is it really their business.

6. How would you describe your writing process? Exactly how do you come up with subject matter and compose your posts?

Haphazard would be my goto word. I generally write what I am thinking at the time. I will write down notes if I think of topics or quotes that I want to write about, but largely, I just sit down in the morning and write my thoughts. I find that that is the most real way to approach it. It does mean that I wish sometimes that I could go back and rewrite, but that wouldn’t be my realistic process.

7. What’s the last movie you watched?

Honestly…50 Shades of Grey. We didn’t go see it in the theatre, but decided to buy it on Blu-ray so we could watch it in the privacy of our own home. Neither of us were completely blown away by it. I would still like to write a review, as it is one of my 101 Things, but we’ll see if I get around to it in the next few days while it is fresh in my mind.

TMI: WTH is she Thinking?!

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1. You have been asked to organize a sex & kink weekend. Will you be more of a “hands-on” person or more of an “ideas” person?
Can I be both? I’m all about being used for demonstrations. But I am the organizer. So I would try and deal with all the details too.

2. Assuming you are the hands-on type at this weekend sex romp, and you’ve entered a tent to ‘play’ with a male/female couple. Would you like to be given clear instructions before you begin to ‘play’ or do you prefer to be given the general idea of the task and work it out your own way.
I’m a clear instructions gal. Sir would most likely have to give me step-by-step directions. Especially if it includes play with other people.

3. True or False. “During sex, I like to hear and accept feedback.”
Very true. If I’m doing something to hinder Sir’s pleasure, or I could be doing something better. I want to know.

4. What are you wearing right now?
I’m a mom, working from home with two kids. I’m wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a comfy warm cardigan. If the kids weren’t here, I would walk around naked. And I’m sure Sir would have me clamped and stuffed and all kinds of gooey. But, for now, my gooey begins and ends with baby food in my hair.

5. I show loyalty to my lover by ________ .
Happily giving him everything that he needs, wants, desires. Or, more realistically, I

6. Do you always have to argue?
Normally, I would say no. But, last night Sir asked me a question and I got defensive. Like, really defensive. I’m not sure where it came it from. Most of the time I’m pretty docile. So, I’ll stick to no right now, with a caveat for my period and randomness that I’m sure Sir will beat out of me.

Bonus: Pick up the closest book to you, open it to page 55. The first line on that page reads: ________ .

Jared nodded with a smile, and she reached in her purse and produced her keys. “Mi casa es su casa”.

When In Doubt, Add Butter by Beth Harbison

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Making Me Think

Kaya commented on one of my posts this week.
March 16, 2015
Served him better by whose standards, yours or his? 🙂

What a strange yet insightful question? I never thought about it like that before. Standards are such odd things. I have always had high standards for myself. And, therefore, I was always hard on myself for not meeting those standards because x,y, or z. But now Sir has standards, I don’t really get to have standards. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, however, that some of my old, no-longer existent standards were higher than his regarding certain things. So I may meet his expectations on the quality of dinner, or the quantity of laundry completed, but not mine. How do I walk away from that feeling of failure and just be happy that he’s happy. Because, of course, the flip-side is that when I reach my higher personal standard, I get upset when he doesn’t notice my overachievement.

So, is it even worth it to have standards of what it means to me to be a ‘good’ sub/slave? Is that just a waste of my time and energy? It’s ok, you can tell me. I know his are the only expectations I should be worrying about. And if he isn’t calling me a bad salve, then I’m not one. But I can still feel like one occassionally, or is that somehow thwarting his authority?

You have no idea how much I just want to turn my brain off and be the mindless hole that I get to be an hour or so everyday. I can’t even get my head to stop all this nonsense when I sleep.
I am not sure how that turned into a straight ramble. I have been a little on edge the last few days. But this weekend Sir and I are getting some alone time. Tomorrow is actually our one year collaring anniversary. We have a hotel room this evening and Sir has unabashedly packed about every toy we own. Then we have an entire date day while the kids hang out with Nana. We are all very excited about our respective Saturday plans.
I am obviously open to suggestions, but I guess what I will try to take away from today’s gibberish of a post is that I need to stop thinking so much. He is satisfied and would not hesitate to let me know otherwise. I need to appreciate the one thing in my life that is simple and makes me deliriously happy. The constant compunction to analyze that happiness needs to stop. I am sure more anniversaries will help. Kaya’s experience shines in her question and one day I hope to gain her level of perspective. I am sure you do too, as it will limit further ramblings. Well, probably not, but we all can dream.

TMI Tuesday: St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

 

Two pints of green beer with shamrocks on them.

1. You found your pot o’ gold. How much is in the pot? What will you do with your gold?
Enough that I could write for a living and Sir wouldn’t have to work. Though I am not sure he needs that much free time :). I would love to travel. Not sure about taking the kids on an international trip again any time soon though. But I have never been west of the Mississippi River and Sir has always felt the need to correct this. And a house, because we need a home base.

2. Some things get better with age, have you? What specifically has gotten better?
Better? I hold down alcohol better. I give blow jobs better (so I’ve been told). I cook better. Coffee had certainly gotten a whole lot better.

3. Are you above average or below average?
At what? Life? I’m sure if I say below average it says something detrimental about my self-esteem. But right now, being sick and tired, I feel below average. I’m sure next week I will be spritely again.

4. What was the last romantic act you did for someone? Did they appreciate it?
I tried to put together a surprise for Sir for Valentine’s day. I was going to book hotel room for us and his mom was going to take the kids. It wasn’t really a surprise in the end, but he did appreciate it.

5. Think back to your very last argument, whose fault was it?
I honestly can’t remember our last argument. It will come to me as soon as I post this. We’ll say it was my fault to cover my ass.

Bonus: I have an overactive _____ .
Imagination. It’s terrible. Don’t get me wrong, coming up with elaborate sex scenarios is wonderful. But it works both ways. I also lay awake at night thinking up awful things that could happen. I have this constant fear of the house catching on fire. And my brain has come up with every conceivable way that could happen.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Question and Answer, Round 2

In desiring to become his slave, what is the one thing that would signify this change for you? – DtBHC

This question came from a post that I did a few days ago regarding the future of Sir and my relationship. And while I am currently working on a follow-up post to that piece, this question really made me think.

I’m not sure what would be the clearest signal to me. I already have a collar as an outward symbol of my submission to him. I also have a tattoo of his hand on my back. So it wouldn’t be a physical change.

I think it could possibly be a name change. Right now, I am Rye and he is Sir. But if we went to more of a Master/Slave rather that D/s dynamic, he may choose to be called a different name. That would be a pretty big change for me.

But, I think the thing, the change, I am really looking for is in myself. An acceptance of Sir’s control and the release of my need to run things would be amazing. I am still struggling with the idea that I want this for me. Shouldn’t a sub only want what their Sir wants? I feel selfish somehow and that’s been a stumbling block. Being forced to let all that go and just be what he wants me to be. That would be the biggest ideal change.

Has there been anything your Sir desires that you are concerned about, that you’d rather not have to deal with? – Ancilla_ksst

I have concerns about lasting consequences. I am not a masochist. I am always a little worried that he will hit a little too hard and I won’t safe word (or we won’t have one) and I will retreat from him. The same with him sleeping with others or loaning me out. I want to be comfortable with all of the things that he wants to try and that we read on blogs or see in porn. But honestly, I am really worried that I will be running on endorphins. That I will go along with what he wants and then afterward just fall apart. That my submission won’t be strong enough. Again, it’s a self-worth issue I have, among many. It’s one of things that really draws me into being submissive. I don’t want to deal with my confidence issues or problems with my body image or self-worth. I am what Sir wants me to be. He is satisfied with me as I am; so I don’t have to feel bad. He can make me what he wants, and I will be exactly what he wants.

That’s why, for now, I’m not feeling too bad about my occasional drink and enjoying dessert. If he doesn’t want me to have it, he will take it away.

Thanks for the questions. This has been a lot more thought provoking than I thought it would be. Not that I thought it would be all ‘what’s your favorite color?’, but these are definitely skull scratchers.

For DelFonte and Jz

Did you start out as a D/s relationship when you first met or was it something you agreed to later? Have you always been a kinky couple? And also because I’m terribly nosey – are you British or American? (or both) – DelFonte 

 
We did not start with a D/s dynamic. Sir and I have been together for nine years, married for seven. But we are really diving into BDSM full tilt this year. Throughout 2014 we were dipping our toes in, but being pregnant and moving put a hold on a lot of things. Now that we are settling in, I cannot see us going back to vanilla, ever.
 
Although the D/s is relatively new, we have always been pretty kinky. We dabbled in switching for the last few years and I have always been a fan of bondage. 
 
I thought this month was all about being nosey? Trust me, my nationality is probably one of the last things that would be off limits. I am American. I did live in England and attend school in 2000 for a semester when my mother came here to teach. I consider myself quite the Anglophile. I did my study abroad semester in Scotland and got engaged in Edinburgh in 2007. Given the chance I would move the family here, but for now holidays when finances allow will have to do.
 
Would you share something about submission that surprised you? -Jz
 
How easy it was. I know that seems strange, and it was for me. I consider myself a strong person. I have accomplished and been through a lot on my own. So, even though I was interested in a D/s dynamic with Sir, I thought I was in for a rough transition. And it just, wasn’t. I have never felt more comfortable than I am when I am kneeling for him. My sex drive has sky rocketed, I sleep better on nights when we play, I have more energy and motivation to accomplish things outside the bedroom. I am constantly surprised not only how much my submission has touched all aspects of my life, but, more importantly, at how much I want it to.

Thanks for the great questions. I named the people how asked these as they posted them in the public comments. If you want to ask a question privately, feel free to use my email or Twitter.

March Q&A

This is my first March in the kinky blogs realm. Many blogs use this month to open themselves up to questions and I will be no different. But, as I am new to this, I don’t expect it to take too many posts. I will try to answer any questions I get, on here, email, or Twitter. If you want to ask my Sir a question, I will put it to him, but it is his choice whether to answer it not.

I will still be doing regular posts about my life’s craziness. A few more days of the kids being spoiled by three grandparents. Then the travel day from hell and hopefully an intense homecoming.
Hope everyone has a warm day. Another coffee and we will see what fun we can get up to today.