Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

#MomLife

5yo: We need to lift my bed up. Way, way high up. And then put a ladder on it. I am a very good climber. And then we can put a bed underneath by bed. So someone else can sleep under my bed.

Me: Like your brother?

5yo: No mom….like my dog. She is not a good climber.

~

Sometimes life isn’t always sexy, and that’s okay.

To the Future!

4yo: Dad, I don’t want to go to daycare! I want to go to the future.

Sir: Okay, how much?

4yo: *holds hands shoulder width apart* This much.

Sir: Okay, close your eyes. *waits two seconds* Okay, open your eyes.

4yo: *looks confused*

Sir: We went into the future by two seconds.

4yo: But I want to go to the future.

Sir: We are always going into the future.

4yo: But this isn’t the future!?!

Sir: No, this is the present, but today’s present is yesterday’s future. We are always moving forward.

*silence*

4yo: Dad, I love fruit loops.

Unicorn Horn

Me: Oh shit! How am I supposed to explain this enormous red spot on my forehead. There aren’t many reasons you would get rug burn in the center of your face.

Sir: Tell them you walked into a door.

Me: That just sounds like you beat me.

Sir: But I did, so it’s funny.

For Everyone

“You just get so grumpy and bratty. I don’t know how to deal with a sick submissive. I want to make you feel better so I can punish you for how disobedient you are when you are ill.” – Sir

I am not going to argue with this statement, as it is probably correct. I am not a pleasant person when I don’t feel well.
However, it has led me to a curious question for all of you:
How does your Dom/Master/Sir deal with you when you are sick? Same question for those Doms out there in how they deal with their sicky subs. Do you avoid each other, do things continue as normal? Maybe you aren’t peed on for a few days, or are you really pampered with soup in bed?
 
Please feel free to answer in the comments or repost the question to your own blog, if you have one. I will be interested to see how disease effects all the dynamics out there. Thanks for playing!

For Sir

“You are a sin. A beautiful imperfection. I took a wrong turn and I found you. You are the black dot on the canvas of my life. Yet, your blackness gave birth to my light. –Anita Krizzan

I knew of Sir in college. He was in various circles of friends, but I only rarely saw him on campus. He would tell me later that he was attracted to me freshman year, but I was seeing someone else. We did semesters abroad in different countries, had completely different majors. Our senior year we lived in the same building, but different suites. And then my wrong turn.

I had a one night stand. My one strike out at trying new things and going with the moment. I was not prepared for the emotional fallout that I would have. And I turned to my roommate and long-time friend for help. I needed support and someone to tell me that I was still worth something. That I was not a horrible person for one bad decision. That damn Disney childhood came back to bite me in the ass. But my roommate wasn’t there. It wasn’t all her fault, but she was dealing with a lot of depression issues. It still hurt that couldn’t make me a priority when I was always there for her.

So I ventured out. I forced myself to be more social and spend time with friends to help me shake my general funk. And he was there. He made me laugh and we talked a lot. He just showed me that I was still a person and it was going to be okay. That was a big thing for me. And after this we were just inseparable. My upcoming trip to England for two weeks will be the longest we have ever been apart.

We have gotten one another through so much. He always encourages me to break the rules, except his own. His dirty thoughts have inspired many more of my own. He may be a black dot on my canvas, but he’s a pretty big dot. And my life is better for his darkness.

I love you Sir. Things are hard right now, we have so much to balance. But please stay in the dark with me. Your darkness makes my light shine brighter.

Who I Should Be

You get depressed because you know that you’re not what you should be – Marilyn Manson

Never judge a book by it’s cover, and I will be the first to admit that Marilyn Manson has a tough cover not to judge. But I love this quote. It sums up every depressive slump that I have ever had. Every bad thing that has happened to me is because I didn’t do something. I failed myself in some way. And as things around me get stressful for whatever uncontrollable reason, I take it on myself.

These last few months have been very difficult. I don’t feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I love my kids, but I want to work. I want to contribute and give the kids every possible chance at social skills. I feel like I am failing them by not showing them how strong I can be. Our oldest did so well in daycare when I was working before and I am worried that our baby won’t get the social skills that he needs. When they misbehave I internalize it as me letting them down. I am not claiming that it’s logical, but it’s there.

This thought process has seeped into my submissive mindset as well. I know what I am. I am a sexual submissive. I want nothing more than to discover how deep that goes. And it’s hard, to not be able to give myself over completely to that. To Sir. But I can only give what he will take. Pushing, whining, begging won’t change that.

I just cannot keep pulling this onto myself. I am giving everything I can to this. I am being what I should be. I cannot give anymore. And I refuse to be depressed because I have finally found what I am, and I will not apologize for it.

I’m sorry if that’s not good enough. I will continue to be happy for finding it. Even if it has to stay inside me; at least I know who I am, and that is enough for me.