Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 15

#15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? If not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Yes, though I will say that I my need to submit has always remained and even grown.

My submission has had several twists; even in the few short years that I have found it. When I started this journey nearly five years ago, I thought I was just looking for a bit of weekend fun with my husband. Something to spice up our relationship and allow me to relax amidst all my stress and depression. Very quickly I fell in love with the idea of submission. I wanted to be a slave. I wanted to be taken care of by my master. I wanted to serve. And I think with that love grew expectations that my husband could never meet. I was adding more and more desires with such speed, that it took him stopping everything to slow me down. As much as it hurt to hit it, that concrete wall in the middle of the highway the only thing that forced me to reflect.

Removing my collar was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I think I cried more about that than I did during childbirth. And I stepping back I’ve been able to better define my needs, not just my wants. I want to be a human pet. I want to serve and be spoiled. To be cuddled and fucked and rewarded for my good deeds.

Being without daily submission is a struggle. Sir and I talk every day, which is lovely. But the distance is difficult. So many of my relationships seem to be that way anymore. So, with a distance submission has come more evolution. I need to understand that Sir says what he means, which is often difficult through text. I have always been one to read too much into things, so I have to be careful. And it’s hard feeling like I’ve actually served him when I’ve done nothing more than let him know I made it home from work safely. When he’s had a long day I just want to rub his feet and make him coffee; it’s hard that he can’t depend on me for those things.

I’m sure as my submission, distance or otherwise, grows it will continue to change. Hopefully I can find new ways to serve and feel my submission. Needs and desires change. If you had told me a year ago that I would be without my collar and hardly having sex once every three months I wouldn’t have believed you. I have a husband, a lover, and a dominant and they all want different things from me. And I get different things from them. Eventually I will figure out how it all fits together and how the special people in my life can support me as I care for them.

Check out my other Define your Kink answers and the upcoming questions.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.

Slut Reviewed

I am a slut. I’m still coming to grips about what that actually means though. ‘Slut’ is a word that was always a negative term. There was no context, even with friends, where the word was used in a positive way. It’s really only been in the last few months that I have come to reexamine the term.

I have been looking at several books into open relationships and polyamory. As part of most of these resources, nearly all authors look at sex as a positive aspect of a relationship. They often also look at sex as being part or a whole basis for a connection. Ruling out the idea that you have to constantly being looking for a ‘one true love’. Sex can be an expression of a connection for 5 minutes, 5 dates, or 5 decades.

The other realization that I’ve come to is that I’m also a slut for an emotional connection. In the past few years I have worked to foster emotional connections with people. I’ve never been great at fleeting friendships. I have few friends, but those I do have are very close. I’ve been that way since I was a kid. Some of those friendships have grown into sexual connections as well (see all of the various California trip posts). The physical passion we share is matched by our emotional connection; which is magical. Other relationships, my twitter boyfriend specifically, have maintained an emotional only relationship. A lot of that is due to distance, but also my respect for his monogamous marriage.

Admitting to myself that I was a slut for sex; can you also be a slut for other things? If that’s the case, I’m also a slut for an emotional connection. I like to know people. I guess with this expanding definition I’m also a slut for fried food, good cider, and bacon. Maybe that’s the biggest revelation of my slutfest over the last year or so. That not only has my definition of slut expanded; but linking it to all part of my life is positive and fulfilling.

Read about others’ experience with their slutfests for this week’s Wicked Wednesday.

 

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

An Eventful Year

Have you ever been too afraid to try something? So worried or concerned that it will go tits up that you don’t try? I used to do that all the time. It was my answer for everything regarding relationships.

This year I have really tried to take steps to change that. When Sir decided to take a break from D/s I thought my world was falling apart. But I have really used it as a chance to try some of those things I was always too scared. I’ve been loaned, I had my first threesome, my first time with a woman. All experiences I would not have done otherwise.

Now the loan in May was rough. I didn’t go about it the right way. Not following my own rules on my comfort level left me with a little regret that I jumped in with both feet. But, I learned from it.

Last week Sir and I tried switching for a night. Talk about out of my comfort zone! But it was a good time. I think we were both surprised at how much it flowed for us. And hey, I got to grind my clit into this mouth, so I enjoyed it. And I think when we went back into our more standard D/s roles over the weekend it made it even hotter for both of us.

This last year has given me the chance to try and clarify what type of submissive I am. I have slowly become much more of a princess and pet, but certainly still a greedy slut. Can’t wait to see what happens next year.

 

The Indecipherable Language of My Mind

Part of me wanted to write up a post on how much I hate Columbus Day so I could avoid the draft post in my queue.

So, mini-rant, Columbus Day is a crap holiday. Rather than celebrating him we should focus on someone who didn’t just get lost. However, as my office is closed today and I’m heading to get my sleeve tattoo finished, I have decided that any extreme rant could be seen as hypocritical.

The draft post of the last week’s vacation has had to be moved out of my drafts so that I can edit it better. It’s currently sitting at around 3,500 words and I’m no where near done. I think I’m going to have to split it up into numerous posts so that my thoughts makes sense. The general theme is an amazingly relaxing vacation with lots of orgasms and good food. But I have been slightly blindsided by some of the emotional aftershocks that I have had.

Hopefully I can put some of it down in a way that makes sense and start posting it over the next few days. I also have over 1,000 photos that were taken to go through. I think only about 50 were taken by me of the food and train ride I took. The rest are sex, a lot of sex. So lots of blurring faces and masturbation breaks ahead.

Oh yeah, I’ll post pictures of the tattoos I got in Los Angeles and the sleeve I finish today as well. I love how busy this makes me seem.

Success Defined

Do you consider yourself successful? Have you achieved everything that you want out of life? I’m not just talking about your BDSM life, but what of your vanilla life (if they are separate as mine is).

I have been reflecting since finally settling into our own home in May. Growing up I had a very broad and yet specific definition of success. To be successful, I had to make money. A lot of it. I actually hate money with a passion. Everything about it. My parents worked hard, but we didn’t have a lot of money growing up. I watched the toll that that took on them as they tried to give my brother and I everything we asked for. Looking back, I regret all my years of competitive dance as to this day I have no clue how they paid for it all. The shoes, outfits, and travel expenses were enormous, not to mention private lessons. I wish I could have made the connection when they were so stressed about funds how much of it was going toward my selfish happiness.

So I needed to grow up and get a good job and make a lot of money. When I was in college I was surrounded by trust fund babies. Lazy kids with an endless supply of mom and dad’s money which they used to go on trips across Europe. I worked and saved and somehow decided I was better than them because I refused to take money from my parents to pay for my education or my hobbies. Sir and I paid for our wedding ourselves and took on quite a bit of debt paying for graduate degrees. I decided that we were successful as we were living on our own; even though at that point we didn’t have great jobs or made a lot of money.

And now, now I still don’t have a great job. I have my own business, but it’s not really making me a lot of money. We still have debt, but we have finally gotten away from renting. But my parents and my mother-in-law are helping to pay for the boys school/daycare while we get settled and Sir sets up his business. So by my definition of the last three decades we are no longer successful.

My reflection, however, has brought me to two interesting conclusions. One) I was wrong to judge those college kids with trust funds. It’s their life. I would probably be doing something different if I had access to that much money, but that may not be true if I had been raised with it. Maybe I would have skipped across Europe with a drink in each hand just like they did.

And Two) We are successful as I currently define it. We have two children who are happy and healthy. We both have jobs (though I am currently applying to others). We pay our bills on time and try not to live outside our means. And we take care of our house so that it can be a home for our family.

It’s certainly not the goals I had when I was a teenager. But at the same time, teens all want to be pop stars and professional athletes. Redefining success for this era of housing bubbles and extreme education debt is a necessity. And with that in mind I would say we are doing pretty good.

Not to mention the redefining our BDSM life has taken. When we started this journey almost three years ago I wouldn’t have thought that we would have gotten to such a good place with the inclusion of others. Our communication has improved so far beyond what we ever had before kink. Success doesn’t even begin to define what I consider this experience.

So I will continue my positive outlook on our lives right now. I’m headed to the office today for meetings and then another section of my sleeve. Hoping for a relaxing weekend of letting my tattoo heal and possibly coming really hard, repeatedly.

Kinky Opinions

Twitter Boyfriend: In my opinion he isn’t a Dom.

Rye: It’s not my job to judge that. He just isn’t going to be my Dom. He didn’t do everything that I would have wanted as a Dom, but he was testing the waters too.

Twitter Boyfriend: To be honest I disagree. He was unprepared, did not have a plan, was not interested in your experience of the scene, his manner seemed to be offhand, he was focused on himself, his aftercare as you point out was non-existent, outside of sex and some punishment there was nothing dominant.

Rye: I agree.

Twitter Boyfriend: I’m sorry for being blunt but I care about your happiness and I feel you were disrespected. I really believe that you can do so much better.

Rye: I’ll admit that I felt disrespected yesterday too. But I don’t know if that is just who he is, or if it was purposeful.

Twitter Boyfriend: *Douchebag – I can’t see how that’s purposeful, it was selfish. I am extremely happy though that this experience seems to have bought you and Sir together which I think is brilliant so there are some positives.

~

We had this conversation after my post on Saturday. It’s nice to feel loved. However, I feel bad at the thought that I painted this Dom in a light that would question his skills. He didn’t do it for me. And, if contacted by a submissive in the future who was looking for a reference (something I should have done), I probably wouldn’t give him the best review. But it all depends on what you’re looking for. Honestly, my disappointment was largely my own fault. I let him talk me into skipping the initial meet. He was leaving town on vacation and wanted to get together before he left. I knew there was a chance it could turn into something, but it should have been obvious that he was expecting more as soon as he walked in the door. I guess I feel like I should take some of the responsibility of the scene. Maybe I wasn’t impressing him so he toned everything down.

And my lovely Twitter Boyfriend was right about one thing, it was positive for Sir and I. Our weekend without the kids was amazing. Sleeping in and walking around naked was an added bonus. We got to do dinner and movie on Friday and had a delightfully kinky afternoon on Saturday. We were able to talk about what I felt was missing from my scene with Sean. And we got to play where I was completely comfortable with what was expected of me. Being tied to a table and left in the basement with the Doxy tied between my legs was helpful too. A great way to reflect (and by reflect I mean forget about everything).

Rye on table with bondage in basement

However, I’m still reflecting a lot on what it means to be kinky. After Sean called our scene, ‘pretty vanilla’, I wondered how levels of kink work. I know I’m not as hardcore as some in the lifestyle, but who decides on kinky cred? And what activities must you do to be considered kinky? But that will be a future post once I make sense of it. I think I’ll try and get some other opinions before I make any drastic conclusions.

In any case, Sir and I are still happy that he loaned me out to Sean and we learned a lot from the experience. There are things that we would have done differently, but there is always next time.

Better than a sleeping pill

It was great weekend. Aside from dropping my glass plug and breaking it, of course (sad face). But other than that it was good.

I did a lot of soul searching. I’m not a ‘true submissive’. The book Uniquely Rika defines it as “The true submissive gives himself to the service of the dominant partner…for her pleasure. His fantasy needs, wants, desires, and weaknesses are not in play; only the desire to serve”. This book is written from the perspective of setting up an FLR, but I did find a lot that I connected with. Thank you lovely twitter boyfriend for suggesting it.

But, what made it truly helpful was that it showed me what I didn’t want. I love making Sir happy. I love making his life easier and showing him my love and desire through service. But I will admit that that isn’t the only reason that I do things. It’s hard when talking about cleaning and cooking, which I have to do anyway. And it’s hard to take on raising the kids and keeping the household just for his enjoyment. There are realities that I need help sometimes. That doesn’t make him less of a Dom, it makes him a good father.

I was beyond backed-up with work. I am heading to the office in a few weeks and I need to get a lot done before I go. So yesterday Sir helped me by doing dishes so I could work. Eventually, like when the kids move out, I will be able to balance more.

And the best part of this self-reflection is that Sir is understanding. He gets that I am trying my best. And him listening made everything better.

He wanted me to be wet all day yesterday. I happily obliged. Last night he was impressed with my work. He said I deserved a reward. Then he used me and put me to bed. Before I would have been upset that I didn’t get to come. I would have laid in bed and pouted like a brat. But it was great. Just the fact that he acknowledged that I had worked hard for him. That I had impressed him.

I was asleep in minutes.