Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.

ELust #93

Elust 93

aurora glory header elust 93
Photo courtesy of Aurora Glory

Welcome to Elust 93

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #94 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A dress to die for

Pushing Past

Necessary.

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Kink lite, Kink life
Disturbance

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The Contract

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

The Contract
Speaking Truth to a Submissive Heart
Thunder
Subjugate U

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Jerking off to be banned under Texas bill
That Time Steve Bannon Destroyed Me
How to program a sex robot

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Effortless Connections & Harmonious Energy
Cialis
Playlist…

Poetry

A Love Affair, From A to Z: “A” – Always
-07.04.17_02:43-
Scouting: A Lusty Limericks

Erotic Non-Fiction

Conflict(ed) part 2
It’s All About The Feet
TEASE
Oral Birthday Fun ~ The Glorious Sixty-Ninth!
I Will Do…
The subtle threesome

Events

Eroticon 2017 – I Herd U Lieks It

Body Talk and Sexual Health

photo shoots past and future
Elust 88

Poly Problem #76: Pass Priority

Rye's slave braclet

I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.

So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.

Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.

He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.

Define Your Kink: Day 5

#5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different?

Sorry for such a long gap between #4 and #5. I’ve sort of been avoiding answering this question. I considered skipping over it and coming back, but that would be a cop-out to the process. I think it’s just the reality of my answer.

I have been in three D/s dynamics. Two one day experiences that were negative for very different reasons, and one long-term. Each taught me something in their own way, but for a variety of reasons none of them worked. That’s a hard thing to admit, that I haven’t been successful. And it’s easy for me to say that as I was the only common denominator in these experiences that I must be the problem. This isn’t the case, there were all sorts of factors. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into that self-destructive trap though.

Twitter Guy

When my husband and I were considering opening things up to others, I started chatting with several Doms online. Mostly in a friendly context to learn about their relationships and how they structure their rules. There was often flirting, and there were a few conversations about taking it further. The only one of those conversations that didn’t fizzle out was a gentleman who also lived here in Ohio. The idea of having another Dominant close by was very enticing. We chatted a lot and seem to have similar kinks and boundaries.

Then one day we decided to try and online scene. I sent him a few pictures and was even punished for forgeting a ‘Yes, Sir’ in a response. After the interaction we were talking and he told me not to tell my husband about it. The moment killed any good feelings I had. I told my husband and stopped talking with the Dom. It was difficult as I felt horrible. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy.

May Visit

Once we got settled in the new house, I started reaching out to try and find local Doms. We had made friends with a few couples on Fetlife, but each of us had branched out to locate individual partners. I started talking with a Dom about a few kinks and the possibility of getting together. He wanted a regular sub and respected my husband’s boundaries, which was nice. I should have listened to my intuition regarding the fact that we had little in common outside of BDSM. None of my vanilla relationships have worked when we didn’t have anything in common; I should have realized that D/s would be the same.

In May of 2016 he came over to the house. It wasn’t a great memory, but I did learn a lot about my limits. I haven’t been with another Dom since. Trust is so vital to what I am looking for in a Dom, I’ll never jump into that dynamic again.

Husband, Father, Friend (too many posts to link)

My husband and I have been through a lot together. Ten years of graduations (four in total), moves (six of those), and two crazy kids. He jumped right in when I discovered I am kinky and gave it 100%. I really appreciate his effort in trying to be what he thought I wanted. But, as a submissive, pleasing my partner was about what they wanted, not what they were doing for me. There was always this feeling of me forcing him to do things and never being able to relax in the moment. I was always worried that he was unhappy and unsatisfied. We were both trying so hard to make the other happy that neither of us were.

As difficult as this has been to lose our D/s, it has helped us communicate. We talk more openly and honestly than we ever did before BDSM. And while loosing my collar was painful, at least I’m not worried about ruining my marriage.

At this point is just figuring out how to move forward. I have a Dominant friend that currently chat with on Twitter. He’s the only Dom that I’ve felt comfortable with since my last negative online experience. He’s not local, so I’m not sure what it could ever be. Maybe a few visits a year, like Jack in California. Not sure I could handle two long-distance relationships emotionally, but we’ll see what happens. I do know that D/s in some form needs to be part of my life.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

And Happy St. Patricks Day!

Elust 92

Elust 92 Header
Photo courtesy of Steeled Snake

Welcome to Elust 92

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #93 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Feeling Forced

NEEDY – a black obsession

Monogamish

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

“One Man Is Not Enough For You.”
blink

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

Erotic Fiction

The Anatomy Lesson
Town whore

Erotic Non-Fiction

The good girl pledge
Good Boy
From Headache to Clit Ache
Daytime: A married Valentines fantasy
Unlocking the Man…with Pieces of Me.

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Three’s Company
I hate the “One Size Fits All” approach
Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction
How great would it be if…

Poetry

Roadside Stand: A Lusty Limerick

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Dirty Money

Events

Looking back at our Eroticon Weekend

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Waiting and waiting and waiting

 

 

Elust 88

Elust #91

Elust 91

Silverdrops toy box header
Photo courtesy of Silverdrops Toybox

Welcome to Elust 91

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #92 Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Forcing Growth

In Stitches

The Instrument and the Ornament

 

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Imagine? You Might Wish You Hadn’t!
she’s picture perfect

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Morning Stretch

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Amber alert
Spanking: Chapter One
‘How To’ Femdom Series
Play it safe
Formative Kink: “The Happy Hooker”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Follow Your Heart
Humiliating Raylene: Kissing Lynette
THREESOME – prepared
Leaving Questions Unanswered

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Genital shame in the news
Cock and Balls Sling Demonstration

Poetry

Chastity, No Boner: A Lusty Limerick
Roleplay (inna damp, dark alley)

Erotic Fiction

Portraits of You
Addicted
Words of Fuck

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Nothing good can come from this
UNCLEAN: Dirty, Sweaty, Filthy, Messy Sex

Events

GRUE

 

 

Elust 88

The Threesome Third Wheel

Rye as a third with Jack and Jill.

As Molly was nice enough to use one of my Sinful Sunday photos for this topic, I feel terrible that I am waiting until the last day to get my piece posted. But I was excited that I could use it to discuss a fun, romantic experience that I hope to have again for Wicked Wednesday. Maybe next Valentine’s day. 🙂

I think threesomes are wonderful things. I’ve only had one threesome experience so far, though two nights in a row. Jack and Jill are a wonderful couple and I couldn’t have fantasized a better first encounter. At the time though, I was a nervous mess. Here was a couple that a) had had several previous threesomes, b) had an amazing physical connection on their own, and c) already knew all the right moves and tricks to please the other. So I was this third wheel coming in trying to play catch up and learn as quickly as possible.

Admittedly, there is something exciting about that third wheel experience. It’s new and I think adds to the pleasure of the evening. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love to try a threesome with my husband or Jack and a third unknown person. I imagine there is a comfort in knowing and completely trusting one person going into that adventure. Personally, I think it would make me more confident in my actions. Knowing that I had the support and could be certain of pleasuring at least one of us would make me more likely to take charge. I would act on that urge to tell him to fuck me while I sucked on her clit, rather than just wishing one of them would mention it.

I think that is the general third wheel fear, at least for me. This couple knows each other’s buttons and tells to ensure the pleasure of the other. The third is just spit-balling. If one could relax and go with the flow, I’m sure that would help. I’m just sort of an anxious person when it comes to sex, so I was lucky to have an amazing couple who was patient with me.

In all my readings, both fiction and non-fiction, that is what a threesome is for someone though. A third wheel type experience. More often than not there are two people who know each other intimately inviting a third into their fun. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a story where three strangers meet at a bar or social gathering and end up in a hotel room together. Though, now that I say that, I may have to write it, just so I can say it’s out there.

Kink of the Week logo

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

When I am Asked the Hard Questions

I have actually been asked, by three different people over the last year, to clarify my needs. As far as needs go, I should be honest and say that there aren’t too many real needs in either category. I often say it jokingly, but I am pretty easily entertained. So, I attempted to identify what was actually a need and what was only a want. When I broke it down, there really aren’t that many.

Personal Needs
1. Priority – Everyone has lots on their plate. I think I just need (to feel at least) like I am someone’s priority some of the time. I feel like I always make everyone else a priority and it’s never returned.
2. More than just a convenience – Honestly, this is true for just about every relationship I have. I hate feeling like I’m only around when they want something. I feel like that with my kids all the time. But with my husband, lover, best friend, I want to feel like they want to be there for me too. I’ve written a lot on the blog about how I don’t want a lover without an emotional connection. I think this is along that same vein. I want someone that thinks about me when we aren’t together. That sees some small trinket or joke on tv and says ‘man, you know who would love that?’. This has been hard, especially with reference to the husband. I often feel like I’m only there to do dishes and suck his dick when he’s in the mood. It’s gotten much better, but there are scars there.
BDSM Needs
1. Consistency – I’m always looking for some kind of consistency. I thrive on routines. That is as much to do with my upbringing as my depression. But generally I like to know what is expected of me. Changing the rules at a moments notice will throw me off every time.
2. Games are for fun – I know there are sadists out there that love to set insurmountable tasks just for the fun of it. To watch their sub struggle knowing they will never be able to succeed. I hate that. If I try my hardest and I fail, I feel like a failure. But if I know that no matter how hard I try I won’t complete the task, I won’t even try. I will recede into a ball of inadequacy. If it’s a ‘see how many you can take game’, I’m great. But if its ‘mop this whole floor in five minutes’, I will just shut down.
3. Aftercare – I think I’m slowly realizing (through no fault of his own) that I wasn’t clear on how much aftercare I needed when the husband and I were doing D/s. I don’t think I ever got enough aftercare. Scenes would end right before bed and I would go to bed in a weird place. Cuddling wasn’t enough, and I’m not sure I was ever able to articulate that to him properly. I have an aftercare blanket. I found it in the basement the other day. I love it, but it wasn’t used often enough and now it’s not used at all. Even the few times we have ‘scened’ (I use the term loosely) in the recent past.

Poly Problem #83

So, the lover made a comment about coming to visit this weekend. I just about started running around the house in excitement. But then I started to think, which I never a good thing. Trying to get things around on such short notice would be crazy. What would we do with the kids? I have so much prep for thanksgiving next week. We are hosting this year, which takes care of one of my 101 Things, but also brings a pile of stress. There is just a lot of cleaning, cooking, and planning. I want to see him so badly, but when he told me that it probably wasn’t going to happen I wasn’t too upset.

I mean, in reality I was sad, but there was no point getting too bummed about it. Especially since he immediately started discussing a few possible weeks in December. More excitement and possibility. And, because I can’t take anything positive and accept it, I have to dissect into ruin. I have already begun thinking about all of the ways that this could go wrong.

The biggest concern is that it’s only been about six weeks. If he does find a way to sort a visit before Christmas, then it will be  under three months since I saw him last. That sounds amazing, doesn’t it. Except, here’s the rub. It’s completely unsustainable. With our finances, I’ll be lucky to be able to fly out once a year to see him. And I can’t ask him to shoulder the cost of our relationship more than what I can give.

I just don’t want to create the expectation of getting to see him too often. If we see each other in December, I am worried that when February comes around I will expect to see him again. And when we can’t make it work I am worried I would get upset. At him, at myself, at other’s that I love around me. And it’s not fair to anyone. Obviously I want to see him as often as possible. But our lives, for the most part, will have to be apart. And it’s weird to me that I almost want to wait to see him again so that I get used to it.

And then I miss him. I want to joke and be sarcastic and fuck like rabbits. To cuddle, and laugh, and eat junk food. All those things top my cravings more than missing him ever will. The very idea of promoting space between us seems horrible.

How do I always get myself into these situations where I have two bad options?

Poly Problem #41

Poly problem: When he lives so far away that part of you wants him to find someone else so he can be happy during the times you are apart, but the other part of you hates that idea because you are already jealous enough of his wife.

That’s a huge over-simplification. I’m just boiling it down to base emotional pulls to make it more applicable to others.

Option #1: Be honest. Tell him that it’s hard and that you miss him. Let him know that you want him to be happy and you don’t want the distance to ruin that. And that while you know he has other lovers and sometimes that can sting, you can’t hold it against him either. And remember that you think his wife is hot and lovely.

Option #2: Play the manipulative game. Be hurt and sad whenever he mentions a date or hook-up. Play the victim when he talks about any experience other than ones with you. Romantic gestures not directed at you are scoffed at and then immediately begged for.

Let’s just assume that you’ve already realized that the only viable option is #1. I’m not going to say that it’s easy. Trust me. But the other road only makes you seem whiny and aloof. I mean, poly relationships can mean different things to different people, but the root word means ‘many’, so that should be a clue.

I’m an emotional connection person. I need that to be turned on and have any kind of positive sexual experience. But some people don’t (and that’s okay). My look at polyamory and our open marriage focuses a bit more on the ‘amory’. I have several loves, keyword there being loves, not several. And that isn’t set in stone as Sir and I continue our road down an open marriage.

For many the focus is the other way around. But they don’t try to hurt anyone with their relationships. On the contrary, most of the ‘many’ focused people I talk to are honest about who they are. They don’t want to hurt anyone, they are just being themselves. Trying to change that by manipulating or making them feel guilty won’t get you very far. If anything, it just hurts you both. And who wants to open up their marriage just to be shamed by someone else.

Realistically, I’ve only been in an open marriage for a few months, and in a poly relationship with someone for a few weeks. I’m not an expert in any way. This is more a common sense approach to a problem. And these two options many not be the only two, but these are the two I have seen in my experience and conversations online. I think I just wanted to write this down 1) to make sure I wasn’t missing something huge that a reader might point out, but 2) so that I can have a slap in the head if I ever feel like that second option will get me what I want. Because it won’t, 100% of the time.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

**The title of this wandering of words is not meant to imply that being poly is full of problems. There are just as many issues with closed relationships. If anything, the title was only meant to imply that I pulled this topic out of the air. Much the way that things pop in and out of my head, only this time I made you suffer through one of them.