Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 9

#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.

I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.

When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.

Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.

I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.

Check my other Define Your Kink posts so far and the questions I have yet to answer.

New Rules

So the twitter boyfriend and have finally come up with some rules/definitions for what we’re doing. He doesn’t really feel comfortable with me calling him Sir, as he doesn’t consider himself a dominant. But a mentor/coach also seemed off as we want to leave this open to possibly become more in the future. So when he chooses a name I’ll be sure to let you know. For now, twitter boyfriend will have to do.

My last post regarding my new ‘pet’ status seemed to confuse and worry some people. The last thing I want is to be seen as trying to break up a marriage or encouraging a good friend to keep something from his wife. So let me be clear; both spouses know what is going on and are supportive. This is, as you will see below, because largely our relationship isn’t control. It’s help with a diet and workout routine. No perimeters for reward or punishment exist. And both of us have an out if things ever start to put stress on our primary relationship. Like I said last time, we are just taking everything slow.

So this is what we’ve got so far.

Twitter Boyfriend’s Rules for his pet

Rule 1

Cardinal rule – respective spouses take precedent in all matters including ending this arrangement

Rule 2

A food diary will be maintained detailing all foods consumed as accurately as possible on a daily basis

Rule 3

A calorie intake target will be agreed based on weight loss goals. This will be reviewed from time to time. It is used as a guide only at this point in time and not a ‘no more’ than amount

Rule 4

On up to two occasions within a calendar month, one meal in any given day can be substituted with a notional calorie amount regardless of the food and drinks consumed during that meal

Rule 5

The food diary will be reviewed and advice given on possible food options to provide better nutrition or weight loss outcomes

Rule 6

Body weight will be measured each Sunday at as close to the same time each week, recorded and shared

Rule 7

Every four weeks body measurements are to be taken, recorded and shared. Body shape tracking photographs are to be taken and shared at the same time as the body measurements

Rule 8

An agreed workout schedule will be developed. The schedule will include a minimum of 3 planned activities of between 30 – 45 minutes duration each week. The workout will be logged and the completion tweeted using the #FWOcrew tag.

Rule 9

The preparation of one meal a week will be set as a challenge to expand healthy eating options and to try cooking different foods. The recipe will be selected and agreed in advance. You can choose when to prepare it within the week (Sunday – Saturday). A photo of the result is to be tweeted using the #foodporn.

Adjustment to rules are by negotiation. Additional rules maybe added from time to time.

Please remember that we are working towards a lifestyle change that is sustainable for the rest of your life. Food is not the enemy and should be enjoyed.

*                                  *                                  *                                     *

 This is just a start and what we’ve agreed to. I’m sure there will be changes and possibly additions to what we have listed. I think that both of us would like more, but we are committed to respecting Rule 1, so that may not happen.

And as a test Sir and I and the kids are going out for breakfast this morning for Father’s day. We’ll see how I do with the healthy options when strawberry covered pancakes are staring me in the face. Wish me luck!

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Stress, lack of sleep, and your own stupidity can lead to not so smart decisions. I will be the first to admit that I have done things without considering how wrong it can really go. And testing that theory seems to be my new M.O.

So as part of not thinking things through and trying to work out the easy solution, I stopped taking my medicine. The medicine is for depression, I’m not on any anti-psychotics or something really serious. But that may be part of my problem. Maybe I don’t take them seriously enough.

Looking back, I’m not even sure how I justified it to myself to just stop cold turkey. Mostly that I didn’t think they were helping. Over the last few weeks I have had several breakdowns. I kept blaming the meds; I don’t know why. But just stopping them seemed like the right idea at the time. I made it around five days. I didn’t call my doctor, I didn’t tell Sir. Both pretty big rule breaks for me. Obviously the justification to just stop the medicine was the same as it being okay not to discuss it with Sir first.

The conversation earlier this week and subsequent sexless night just pushed everything over. I started the morning randomly crying at something pointless (laundry or spilled coffee). So finally I realized that I’m a numb-skull. That stopping my meds was not a solution. As much as I pretend to know my body, I don’t know anything about my depression balance. There is a reason that it takes professionals to give out these medications. Just stopping them can cause all sorts of other issues. And they have. When I took my medicine after a long break I felt sick. My mood was secondary to the physical bollocking my body was giving me for the cold turkey break.

Sir handled it with calm and control. I had directions for what to do to get me through the day and how to deal with side effects. He wanted to support me and understood why I did what I did; even though it was a bad plan. And people on twitter where helpful and supportive as well. It was very comforting to know that I’m not the only person who wakes up one morning and thinks it’s a brilliant idea to just stop their depression medication.

So perhaps this is just one more way that the universe it trying to tell me that I am not cut out for the medical or pharmaceutical field. Or basically health care of any kind. I guess I’ll stick to reading, writing, and watching porn…all while on my medicine, of course.

Mental Health Awareness Month Badge

***And I’m not sure where the title of this post came from. Though my mother and I loved the show when it was on the air. And Sully could roll me around that farm anytime.***

Rules Update

It has been about seven months since Sir and I have gone through the rules and made updates. Looking on the rules pages right now there are notes about my ‘upcoming’ trip to Scotland, which is now six months gone. So Sir wanted to take his time as we are now making TPE work. He has really wanted to ramp up the control and we have been adding things slowly, so getting them all written down took time. Most of these things I do already, so it’s just that now I can be punished for not doing them.

Last night as we looked over them again he asked me how I felt his control while he was work. It was great that I could give him such a lengthy answer. It was this constant feeling of being watched by him. It was amazing. The same feeling as when, later last night, when he ate me out while pulling on my leash. Or when he fucked me and beat me with the hemp daisy chain. Feeling cared about. I am such an attention whore.

I am sure these rules will continue to grow. Sir is working on levels of protocol to go with them. We have been sorting out how I am to balance kids, work, and slave mindsets. Someday I may have to only worry about being his slave, but that will probably involve winning the lottery, so learning to balance for the foreseeable future seems prudent.

The Rules

effective September 1, 2015

Section I – Rules applicable at all times (The Always Rules)

  • Ask permission to drink anything besides coffee (with creamer) or water
    • No coffee after noon without express permission
  • Every day, ask for lunch instructions
  • No snacking without permission
  • Complete all tasks given on wunderlist.
  • Have your phone within arms reach at all times when Master is not at home
  • Comport yourself in a respectful and respectable manner, so as not to cast dispersions upon Master, unless specifically instructed to behave otherwise.
  • Make sure your phone is always charged
  • Make sure your phone’s sound is always on (except when inappropriate).

Section II – Mothering

  • Protect and nurture our children.
  • Make sure that Daycare has everything they need
  • Get the children ready to go in the morning – without whining about it.
  • Keep Master informed of the children’s’ health and other significant information

Section III – Sex Slave

  • “Do as you are told.”
  • Ask permission to cum unless it is given in advance.
  • Use every opportunity to impress your owner.
  • Accept the fact that you do not have control over who fucks you, how, when, or where.
  • Accept the fact that your master’s decisions about your body are your inescapable destiny.
  • Accept the fact that your master will temper the enactment of his will based on his understanding of your real needs and real limitations, regardless of whether or not you are comfortable with putting limits on play. You do not get a say in whether Master respects your limits.

Section IV – Domestic Slave

  • Ensure that the house is presentable at all times
    • Presentable means that the house may be covered in toys, folded clothes, and a couple of dirty dishes.
    • Presentable means that
      • there is no food left rotting in the kitchen (special attention to fruits and vegetables);
      • that the garbage is not the first thing you smell when you walk into the house
      • that there are not piles of dirty clothes visible outside of a hamper
  • Prepare meals as instructed
  • Make sure the soap is replaced
  • Make sure the laundry is done
  • Make sure you have at least one clean uniform available at all times, to the extent reasonable.
  • Pay bills.
  • Ensure the grocery list is adequately updated – and specifically noted
  • Mow the lawn

Section V – Owned Property

  • ALWAYS. BE. RESPECTFUL.
    • This rule is intentionally vague. I am not going to tell you every respectful and disrespectful action possible. You are intelligent – use your judgment.
  • Life is not fair and our lives are not “even.” You will feel burdened and put-upon. You will feel betrayed and disrespected. You will feel belittled and diminished. You can say when you have these emotions, but you will not do so with anger or spite.
  • Never forget that you are smart, witty, clever, insightful, and creative. You are to use these gifts to improve your Master’s life. This means that you are going to be required to speak out of turn when it is in your Master’s best interest. This sounds counterintuitive with regards to many other rules that are designed to ensure obedience. However, this is a false paradox. In time you will learn when best to speak and when best to hold your tongue.
  • Do as you are told.
  • Use every opportunity to impress your owner.
  • Present yourself well and do your best (have self confidence)
  • Be aware of your actions and your surroundings, so that you can be ready for whatever life throws at you (be self aware)
  • Ask where you will sleep at night, as instructed in the bedtime routine
  • Wear plain white underwear at all times, unless instructed otherwise and except as follows
    • Wear plain gray underwear when menstruating
    • Uniform: white shirt and black shorts (no underwear) as chosen by master
    • You will change into your uniform every day once Master gets home, and whenever instructed
  • You are responsible for making sure that your asshole is safely fuckable
    • Live every day assuming that you will be fucked in the ass that evening
    • After September 7, 2015: Every day
    • in the shower you will put as much of and as many fingers as you can into your asshole and report on it
  • Shave your cunt every 24 hours.
    • Every day, after your shower go into Master’s bedroom and cleanly hand shave your cunt.
    • Apply a soothing, skin friendly lotion to your cunt before going to sleep.
  • Money
    • Always ask permission before spending any money, if foreseeable.
    • Report the amount of money spent immediately or as soon afterwards as is reasonable.
  • You own nothing. Everything you used to own is now Master’s.
  • You will brush your teeth three times a day:
    • Once you have finished your morning coffee
    • After lunch
    • Between 8 and 9pm
  • You will floss/use the water jet twice a day
    • After the lunch brushing
    • After the bedtime brushing
  • You will use your prescription mouthwash daily, in accordance with the medication’s instructions
  • You will take all medication as instructed and as per prescription instructions
  • Every day before bed, you will tell Master everything that you accomplished in the day, and everything that gave you trouble during the day. You will share your thoughts and emotions about your service. You will speak openly and honestly.
  • You will tell Master if you have any health concerns.

—————

Addendum I – Bedtime Protocol

  • When Baby goes to bed, Big Boy loses the iPad
  • Big Boy brushes his teeth, then everyone puts away all electronic devices and we play until 8:00
  • At 8:00 we start to wind down and read books
  • When the books are read, he goes to bed.
  • We will relax and wait for him to go to sleep until 9:00
  • From 9:00pm until 6:00am the following morning, and unless instructed otherwise, you will not make eye contact with Master.
  • From 9:00pm until 6:00am the following morning, you will assume the demeanor of a sex slave.
  • At 9:00 you will go and wait in the shower in the prescribed position
  • I will piss on and in you as I see fit
  • You will shower and I may help, as I see fit
  • You will go into my bedroom and assume your pose on your slave bed and hold that position until I tell you to speak.
  • Once given permission to speak, you will say this and only this: “Where would Master like his slave to sleep tonight?”
  • Once the question is answered, you will enter a “low kneel” and discuss the activities of the past 24 hours and the anticipated activities of the next 24 hours with Master.
  • You will follow all instructions.

Addendum II – Punishment, or, things that will absolutely get you in trouble every single time

  • Cumming without permission
  • Disrupting Master while he is speaking
  • Being disrespectful, including
    • raising your voice in anger
    • raising your voice in defense
    • raising your voice in defiance
  • Rolling your eyes.
  • Disobeying a direct order
  • Not asking for clarification if it is needed
  • Lying
  • Fibbing
  • Bending the truth
  • Keeping secrets from Master- unless of a socially acceptable nature (personal identification information; surprise party planning; the One True Name of Santa Claus; etc.)
  • Endangering yourself or others, whether intentionally or negligently.

 

Can you tell he is a lawyer? Not a loophole to be found.

The Luddite Blogger

I use technology. It gives me hilarious conversations on twitter and helps me find my way when I am lost. It has given me a camera phone to get adorable pictures of my kids, and connected me to all of you out there in blog land. But here’s the thing: I hate it. I hate that it never works when I really need it. I hate that the battery dies and my calls drop and the minute I buy something it’s two steps behind the new ‘it’ thing.

This computer (bless it) is hardly five years old and I keep thinking about how I am going to have to replace it soon. Sir is always stressed about how old his gaming computer is and how there are TVs coming out that are bigger than his (a penis envy thing, but I don’t dare call it that to his face). I could care less, but it bothers him, therefore it bothers me. It is difficult to constantly live in a world of upgrades and worrying about out of date programs. When I was younger I wanted to be Amish. Not for any of the religious reasons, but just the tranquil, live off the land, make your own candles and sew your own clothes aspects. I grew out of that fantasy; although I bet there are some kinky ordnungs out there.

The biggest issue is the phone. Sir and I found a smaller cellphone company a few years ago and upgraded to smartphones. Hardly six months after we got them Sir wanted something new. But, as long as they worked, I was fine. I use the phone to occasionally text and tweet and log my calories for my fitness tracker. That’s about it. We don’t have a home phone, so my cell is used as our contact for doctors and daycare so people don’t bother Sir at work. I have a few games on there and will take the odd picture. I just enjoy reading a real book and writing on a paper day planner. It helps me keep track of everything. I’ve deleted so many appointments on accident when I tried to use calendar applications. I think I’m just not smart enough for technology sometimes. I think that WordPress was built for me as it can be as idiot proof as you want to make it. I keep learning new fun things to use to entertain you. You should have seen me the day I figured out how to text wrap around pictures.

But Sir had been getting itchy over the last few months about his phone and wanting to upgrade. So last week when my phone stopped working; he jumped at the chance.

I was out running errands and I noticed that my car was low on gas. I have to request permission before making purchases and notify him immediately if there is an unforeseeable expense. So I texted him a dirty comment, because why not, and then let him know that I needed gas and asked would it be ok to get some while I was out. I didn’t hear back from him immediately, which is common if he is in a meeting or on a call. But after I checked a few things off my list I looked at my phone and realized the text hadn’t even gone through. After checking my connection, trying to call his work landline and my mother’s cell phone, I determined that the problem was on my end. I spent the next few hours out and about with no way to contact him. I tried direct message on twitter and an email, but without a data connection, nothing went through. After getting the kids and heading back to the house I walked up onto our back deck and my phone went crazy. It had hit the wireless internet coming from inside the house and everything had turned back on. All my messages went through and I could make calls again. I finally got ahold of Sir to explain my lack of communication throughout the morning, but he understood and was concerned about my technology issue. After trying to get ahold of tech support and dealing with an email exchange that was less than helpful, Sir decided we were going to switch companies to someone larger who had a phone number for support help. His concern (mine as well) was that when the phone wasn’t working, I didn’t even have the ability to call 911 and if I was out with the kids or at home and our internet went down, I wouldn’t have a way to get help if I needed it.

So, we are switching companies and new phones should be delivered today. I went for an older model phone. I’m not big on having the new thing, as long as it works I’m happy. Sir is getting the next model x phone that’s as big as your head. But he uses his phone to do everything, so it makes sense that he would have something with all the bells and whistles. I just hope he likes it. Hopefully my simpler model will be user friendly for me and I won’t have too many issues moving my contacts, photos, etc. It can’t be any harder than moving blog platforms a few months ago. I had help with that though (a lot, if I’m completely honest). Maybe tonight I will ask Sir to take a break from playing with his new toy to help me set everything up. I’m sure I could offer up a service in trade. Scrubbing the kitchen floor in a push-up bra may be too distracting though.

Sir’s Handle

My hair has stopped growing. That can’t mean anything good, can it?

I am near positive that since last summer the length of my hair has not changed. My son was born in August, and all fall I was constantly losing hair. It was falling out in clumps until sometime before Christmas. But, even though it has thickened up again, it’s still not growing in length.

I understand that that may not seem kinky, and on the surface it’s not. My husband, back before he was exclusively Sir, was all about androgyny. I was quite the tomboy in college; so we fit together quite well. I had very short hair (not shaved, but rarely more than an inch or two) and never wore skirts or frilly clothes. He appreciated my style, though I just called it comfortable.

However, over the past few years I have begun to enjoy wearing dressier outfits. I actually own several dresses and skirts, even a few pair of high heels (several if you count my kink-only ones). And I think he accepted my softer side with enthusiasm. As we began to delve into D/s roles, I think he began to see the benefits of skirts and long hair. So, my skirt collection grew as well as his eagerness for me to wear them for easier access.

It’s odd for me to say it; but him grabbing my hair in a scene is about the sexiest thing. He can direct my head, get my attention, even praise me simply by tugging or pulling or petting at the right moment. I wouldn’t have thought that it could play such a role in our intimacy. And when he is behind me, his use of it to hold me in place is as erotic as the dirty talk he uses while he does it.

The very idea of cutting it seems wrong now. I swear BDSM has touched every part of my life. I think I trimmed it after the baby to try and get it growing again, but no such luck. There is more than enough to wrap his hands around, but I would really love it to cascade a little further down my back. It’s so thick that a braid is near impossible unless it’s wet. And Sir has strict rules about me drying it after a shower.

Hopefully it will start to grow again soon. In the summer, if I get outside enough it gets a pretty red tint to it. It’s one of my favorite features, especially now that it has a kinky purpose. Besides if it’s not long enough in that crucial moment, who knows that Sir will grabbing for next.

Rye's hair