Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 11

#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye

Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.

I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.

I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.

As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.

I do love being ready for use 🙂

Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.

Focus Practice

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Those of you who read my blog with any regularity will tell you, I’m stressed out a lot. I’m beginning to think I just make it, like insulin. My body wouldn’t know what to do if it wasn’t under extreme stress. And Sir decided to try and find out.

Last night, after we got the kids to bed, Sir came downstairs with the riding crop and a vibrator. And though they seemed like standard items for a scene, this would be a new challenge for me.

First, he had me kneel on the floor with my face on the carpet. He rested his feet on the back of my head. We stayed like that for about ten minutes; he wanted me to focus on preparing my submissive headspace. It was actually quite calming. To keep the calm going he had me wash his feet. It was nice to be able to focus on something small (not that his feet are small). But the water was warm and I just sank into the task.

When I came back from cleaning up the water he had me kneel. I was to focus my breath through my nose and not let anything pull my mind. It was difficult for me; my mind doesn’t focus easily. I am getting better with meditating, it needs to be a goal as I try and reduce my stress levels day to day. He let me stay like that for awhile, just breathing calmly. I have no idea how much time passed. My feet fell asleep, so maybe twenty minutes or so.

Then the evening turned into what would be considered a more ‘traditional’ scene. He had me lay across his lap as he spanked and fingered me. The riding crop made an appearance. But even during this he had me focus on the sting of the spanking, or on how my pussy felt. Spankings generally relax me, but this focus got me near subspace much quicker than normal. Then he let me play with the vibrator while he watched. I was allowed to come, but the focus was to find a place that felt good, but didn’t quite get me to orgasm. That was hard considering how long it had been, but it was another practice in focus that I hadn’t tried before.

The scene finished upstairs with me focusing on his cock (something I do quite well) and a very satisfying cuddle. The whole scene left me feeling relaxed and proud of myself for being able to focus on each individual task. I know I was able to please him and not having to worry about everything else for awhile was amazing. It reminded me of what first drew me to D/s and a submissive mindset. Letting the world go and just being in a moment of service.

I hope we have more scenes like that soon. Maybe I’ll get to wash more than his feet next time.

Meet and Greet

“When does Graham’s flight come in?” Sir asked as I handed him his lunch.

4:45. I will head to the airport after I drop off the kids.” I poured our coffees and handed him his mug.

“What are your plans for the night? I will be home late.”

“Nothing set in stone. Probably just grab some dinner and talk. Maybe some light play, but I don’t know what he’s really looking for. You had mentioned that Hannah was okay with some level of play but not for his pleasure, hence the reason for the cage. You also said that Hannah was going to prepare his ass, just in case, as pegging has been a fantasy of his. Not sure we’ll get there tonight though.” I wanted to be honest, I wasn’t sure where the night would go. Graham was going to be caged up, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to require him to service me. Sir knew that.

“I will leave that up to you, but just so you know cunt, my generosity doesn’t come cheap, both of you have a debt to me to repay. Remember that Graham is here to serve me, even if he is here to visit you. He may be your gift for tonight, but he will be put through his paces tomorrow. Call me when you get to the airport.”

“Yes, Sir.”

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Graham’s thoughts ricocheted between a million versions of This is Real! and Finally. He felt the plane shift as it began to descend. He could barely believe that Hannah had agreed to let him come. The kinky weekend he had always wanted was finally real. He didn’t care about the cage, or any of the other requirements set by her or Sir. Graham was just happy he was going to get to be himself.

Hannah hadn’t really taken his mid-life kinky revelations very well. She didn’t like having their occasional missionary sex with the lights on, much less some of the fantasies he had described. She was trying, and he didn’t want to push, her permitting this was huge. Being allowed to serve anyone was amazing, and he trusted Beth and her Sir to take care of him. He had no plans to waste this chance to experience all that BDSM had to offer. Beth knew all his secret desires, he was hoping, even with the cage, that the weekend would see that list considerably shortened.

Graham had be prepping for the last two weeks. He had been using the butt plug that Hannah had allowed him to buy, just in case Beth wanted to play with a strap on. He had started wearing the cage on and off too, to get used to it. It was comfortable as long as he could control his erection. However, for most of the flight he had been shifting around a lot to try and ease the bulge. As the wheels touched down Graham tried to focus on making it off the plane rather than who awaited him.

It was going to be a great weekend.

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The drive was an odd mixture of stress and excitement. I took the boys down to Grandma’s for the weekend. They were all happy to have some spoiled-kid-time. I left from there to go straight to the airport to meet Graham, with several hours alone in the car to sing loud chick music – and try not to get too deep into my own head about the weekend. I’ll admit – I was probably “a tad” over the speed limit. Okay, maybe more like 2 or 3 “tads.”

Sir had a big case going to trial the next week, so he was planning on being at the office late. He really wanted me to have some time with Graham without worrying about his reaction. We had gone over ground rules and he had even given me a few ideas. I really appreciated it. Graham and I got close over twitter – really close – but I was a worried about how we were going to get along in person. I was worried that the age difference would make things awkward for him, or that during a kink-pause we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Maybe I didn’t need to worry about that; Graham had so many desires that he couldn’t fulfill with Hannah. While I would never suggest he leave his marriage, I wanted him to be happy. Sir was vague as to the details, but it seemed that Hannah wanted that too. This weekend was going to be a big part of that. I almost missed the airport exit thinking of what was to come.

Excitement overwhelmed my stress as soon as I parked. I called Sir to let him know that the kids were sorted and that I had arrived at the airport. He told me to have a good time and that he would be home around 11 or so. I must have looked like a giddy school girl waiting at the arrivals entrance. I was trying to seem aloof and played on my phone, but I kept looking up. Glancing between the arrivals screen and the walkway.

I spotted him before he saw me. He was looking for me, but also trying to figure out where to go. I just stood and waited, smiling as he approached. It wasn’t like the end of a sappy romance, we didn’t run toward each other in slow motion. There was a nice hug, a quick peck on the cheek, and an instant sexual tension. He only had one bag, so we didn’t have to wait long at the baggage claim. Our walk to the car was filled with small talk about where my kids were and how his children were doing. He opened my door when we got to the car and all I could think was how interesting this weekend would be.

Ramping up to the visit, Graham and I had purposefully not talked about plans. We wanted to play things by ear. He had happily agreed to be Sir’s, and by extension my, “service submissive.” We both knew that Sir and Hannah had had a few more conversations, but neither of us knew what they had discussed or planned. Graham was locked in a chastity cage before he left Canada and a key was sent to his hotel in New York. I was a little upset about it. I had fantasized about giving him a blow job – one of Graham’s often lamented, unfulfilled desires. No, this visit was just about getting to meet a friend and some bonus-pampering for my birthday. After five minutes of laughing and joking in the car, I calmed. I didn’t have to worry about our friendship changing.

On the drive back to the house we came up with a few ideas for dinner, stopping at the grocery to get some fresh vegetables and wine. When we got home he poured me a large glass and immediately started cooking. We talked about his exercise regime and my business growth. We both focused on non-kinky topics as we enjoyed his delicious pasta and a bottle of the wine. But after he had cleared the plates he decided that small talk was over. He knelt down next to my chair.

“I know you aren’t used to being served, but I want to make this weekend as relaxing as possible for you. This is as much about my kinky fantasy as it is your need for a break. Your Sir has given me permission to pamper you; he expects me to. So while it may be hard, I need to you enjoy yourself. I can’t let your Sir down. It will be a challenge, more for you than for me, but I think you can suffer through it”. He rubbed my hands as he spoke. Gently, letting me know he understood it wouldn’t be easy for me while still trying to make me smile and relax. His strength was exactly what I needed.

“I never thought that I would have such difficulty being pampered. I keep thinking of chores I should be doing. What services do you do for Hannah? I need to get into a more dominant mindset.” I felt embarrassed at not being able to come up with anything. I just wanted to talk and enjoy him. But Graham craved a mistress. And he was right, I didn’t want Sir to feel like I had wasted this opportunity or his gift. “Okay, we’ll ease in, I would like a foot massage and a pedicure. Think you can make my toes look pretty?”

“Yes, Mistress. I have had some experience. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll go grab the polish and some lotion.”

“Sounds lovely, how about a refill on my wine as well.” I shook the glass like Sir would do with his whiskey tumbler when it got low.

“Of course, Mistress.”

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“Your feet look beautiful Mistress. And your skin is so soft.”

“Thank you for saying so. You did a wonderful job. Now that I am quite relaxed I have realized that we both would be much more comfortable with less clothes on.” I waited to see how he would react to my statement. I didn’t want to push. But Sir had encouraged me to push Graham and for me to consider having him preform sex acts while Sir was at his work that first night as he might be more comfortable without Sir there. This would be easy compared to what Sir would put him through. His advice made sense, but I wasn’t even sure if Graham had considered being nude or any type of sex as part of his service.

His smile let me know I needn’t have worried. While he cleaned up the polish and the warm towels I went to change into something a bit sexier. When I came back he had stripped completely. He was kneeling next the couch, his hands resting on his legs in his best, untrained presentation of Gorean pose #1. The exercise regime had done him well. Every trip to gym that he had told me about was visible on his chiseled frame. His grin when he saw me in my lace teddy said he was happy with my wardrobe change as well. I held out my Doxy to him, which he took with a laugh and plugged in. I sat down on the couch and he moved over next to me on the floor.

“Are you eager to help me come Graham?” I was trying to be more dominant, but I still couldn’t call him anything but Graham. I was hoping it was enough to get us both into a good mindset.

“More than you could possibly imagine Mistress.” He handed me the vibrator and brushed the side of my breast. I sank into the couch as the vibrations hit my clit. He moaned as loud as I did while he caressed my breasts.

“Does your cock hurt, is it bulging against the cage? Are you trying to get hard watching me pleasure myself?”
“It hurts more than I thought it would. There’s so much more pressure…”

“I could stop if you want. If you think I should be left unsatisfied.”

“Never, Mistress.”

“Good.” I put of one my newly pedicured feet on his chest as I sat up. I pushed him back until he had to put his hands behind him to lean on. I set the vibrator to one side as I bent toward him. “Can you smell me? Do I smell good?”

“Oh God yes.” I smiled as I straddled him. His cage felt cold on my pussy, but knew it was worse for him. I rubbed against his cage, back and forth, getting it wet with my juices. He moaned as I kissed his neck. He moved a hand to grab my breast.

“Put that back, slave.” His eyes flashed up to mine as I called him ‘slave’, hungry for more. He steadied his hands back on the floor behind him and I began rocking again. I swear I could almost hear his cock straining against the cage as I reached my orgasm. I kept moving against him and kissing his neck and chest. After a few moments I slid back onto the couch. He breath was heavy as he slumped forward, but still on his knees.

“Now, how about you lick my clit clean to say thank you?”

“Gladly, Mistress.” Graham went to work quickly as I laid down across the cushions. I knew Hannah wasn’t really into oral sex and that Graham really enjoyed it. I was happy to help. For not getting much practice, and the sideways presentation I provided, he was quite adept. Lots of licking and sucking turned into several orgasms for me and a lot of lovely frustration for him. With my arm over the side of the couch I was able to massage his balls and scratch the underside of his shaft as it strained against the cage. He had shaved and his smooth skin was sticky from my ride on his cock. We both groaned as my orgasms shook through me and I squeezed his balls. I gave them one last tickle as I sat up and he leaned back.

“You did very well, slave. You have pleased me. Now you will go upstairs and draw me a bubble bath. I will need a glass of wine to accompany me. While I get cleaned up you will clean off the table from dinner and make sure the downstairs is presentable for when Sir gets home. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Mistress.” He got up and went upstairs to start the bath water. I gave my phone a quick check. There was a message from Sir from an hour before.

Hope you are being a good girl. Should be home in a few hours. Love you.

I went upstairs to let Graham know that Sir would be home soon. Graham lovingly helped me out of my nightie and I sank into the bath, sipping my wine. After a good soak I gave my hair a good shake with a towel, put on a t-shirt and panties, and walked back downstairs. Graham was just finishing up loading the dishwasher.

“Come sit with me on the couch.” He followed me into the living room and curled up next to me. I leaned into this chest and he put his arm around my shoulders. “How are you feeling? How was everything tonight?”

“It was great. Honestly. Thank you for letting me be your slave tonight.”

“It was my pleasure, let me assure you. Once I got comfortable being called mistress.”

“I’m sure you would get better at it with practice.”

“Yeah well, tonight was just a warm up. Tomorrow will be much tougher, for both of us.”

“I would hardly call tonight tough. I had a wonderful time with you.”

“I did too.  I just mean that Sir is much more intense. And I know that he and Hannah talked about giving you, and I quote, “the full BDSM experience”. Knowing Sir, you have a hard day coming. No pun intended.”

Graham pulled me closer. “I’m not worried. This is an experience I plan to take full advantage of. My plan is to be in the moment this weekend, with you.”

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Sir arrived home a little after midnight to find Graham and I curled up on the couch asleep. I woke when he picked me up to carry me upstairs. Graham stirred as I was lifted off of him.

“Well cunt, that’s a little more cozy than I was expecting” whispering in my ear. “Good to meet you Graham, Beth has made up the guest room for you. I encourage you to find your way up there and get a good nights’ sleep. Beth and I usually sleep in when the kids stay at my mom’s; tomorrow will be no different. I understand have a regular workout schedule, feel free to exercise in the morning. Beth will serve us both brunch at 11am. Be prompt. I have plans for us tomorrow. Your service will begin after we eat. Good night.”

“Good night Sir, good night Beth.”

I think I mumbled a response as Sir turned up the stairs. Next thing I knew Sir was tucking me into his bed.

“Sleep well cunt. You will need your rest for tomorrow. And I will want a serviced in the morning before you start cooking.”

“Looking forward to it Sir, good night.”

***This piece is a continuation of a post called The Odd Art of Negotiation. These friends will continue their visit, though Saturday will be split into two posts so the length isn’t so overwhelming.***

Making Me Think

Kaya commented on one of my posts this week.
March 16, 2015
Served him better by whose standards, yours or his? 🙂

What a strange yet insightful question? I never thought about it like that before. Standards are such odd things. I have always had high standards for myself. And, therefore, I was always hard on myself for not meeting those standards because x,y, or z. But now Sir has standards, I don’t really get to have standards. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, however, that some of my old, no-longer existent standards were higher than his regarding certain things. So I may meet his expectations on the quality of dinner, or the quantity of laundry completed, but not mine. How do I walk away from that feeling of failure and just be happy that he’s happy. Because, of course, the flip-side is that when I reach my higher personal standard, I get upset when he doesn’t notice my overachievement.

So, is it even worth it to have standards of what it means to me to be a ‘good’ sub/slave? Is that just a waste of my time and energy? It’s ok, you can tell me. I know his are the only expectations I should be worrying about. And if he isn’t calling me a bad salve, then I’m not one. But I can still feel like one occassionally, or is that somehow thwarting his authority?

You have no idea how much I just want to turn my brain off and be the mindless hole that I get to be an hour or so everyday. I can’t even get my head to stop all this nonsense when I sleep.
I am not sure how that turned into a straight ramble. I have been a little on edge the last few days. But this weekend Sir and I are getting some alone time. Tomorrow is actually our one year collaring anniversary. We have a hotel room this evening and Sir has unabashedly packed about every toy we own. Then we have an entire date day while the kids hang out with Nana. We are all very excited about our respective Saturday plans.
I am obviously open to suggestions, but I guess what I will try to take away from today’s gibberish of a post is that I need to stop thinking so much. He is satisfied and would not hesitate to let me know otherwise. I need to appreciate the one thing in my life that is simple and makes me deliriously happy. The constant compunction to analyze that happiness needs to stop. I am sure more anniversaries will help. Kaya’s experience shines in her question and one day I hope to gain her level of perspective. I am sure you do too, as it will limit further ramblings. Well, probably not, but we all can dream.