Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Killing Expectations

Sir is a big Frank Herbert fan, so I managed to struggle through the first Dune book a few years ago. I could see really getting into it, if science fiction is your thing. Very much along the line of the grand scale of Game of Thrones. The intrigue, the entrenched family lines, the acceptance of murder as part of daily life. Definitely a world you can get lost in. And the concept of “fear is the mind-killer” stayed with me. The idea that your fears can control your life and your progress has been something that I have personally battled. I am a worrier; always have been. So I can get wrapped up in fears, some of them completely illogical, and miss out on some great things. Facing fears and working through them help us to grow as people. But you can say that as much as you like, it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

However, through my growing experience as a submissive I have found a larger mountain to climb than my fear of spiders. For me, expectations are the mind-killer.

I like to think that I am not the only sub/slave/little that struggles with this. Everyone has expectations of relationships and what will make them happy and fulfilled. When those expectations start to be a hinderance on that happiness, that’s when problems arise. Although I do hope that it is a temporary issue. After years I’m sure Sir will succeed in stamping it all out.

I guess I just still have a problem with my own desires. I think I am selfishly putting my own needs/wants before Sir’s (See my previous post on Selfish Sex). It’s not how I want to be. I want to put him first in everything. But that’s not something that comes naturally to me. Parts of it are easy. I can serve him dinner and make his lunch. But I expect his dominance throughout the day and especially at night. The chance to let go has become so centered around him. If I don’t get that chance to please him, then I don’t feel like I deserve to be pleased. I think it leaves me feeling off. Not quite depressed, but just down in a sense of not feeling like I’m living up to his expectations or my own as his property.

I am still working through my issues with my sex drive too. Though lately I have felt an odd drop in my libedo that I am not happy about. I have found that sexual frustration and denial can have serious health and mood ramifications for me. Obviously something that I need to deal with as Sir is constantly threatening a chastity belt. But I have attached an expectation to sex. Like if I complete all my tasks during the day and don’t fuck up, then I should get sex. If he is tired or the kids won’t go to sleep I find myself getting inexcusably cranky. My own expectations catch me up.

Then there are times when we are both tired and sex is just off the table. The next day it’s hard to feel his dominance while he’s at work. I lose a connection with him; and I hate that. It’s not that our connection is only established through sex, but it is a great reset button for us.

I’m sure time will tell how Sir will help me to correct this. It’s not a matter of if, but of how much my mind will fight him in his training. Although, I guess that in itself is an expectation.

Well, crap.

 

She Escaped

In the interests of full-disclosure, I need to tell you that this is not my submissive brain talking. In fact, I have no idea who is talking or how important she is in my head. She may be a peon who is rebelling from her submissive queen (I have an ironic head).

But something struck me from one of the comments this week.

I think being stressed is such an inhibitor to functioning well on so many levels but what you really need to focus on is that unless your care for yourself well then you will be of no use to those who need you. It is not selfish it is necessary

Mollyxxx

So, I know this was in response to my depression post of a few days ago, but life happens and I keep processing it through all facets of my life. And I have concluded that its accuracy is so extreme that I need to eliminate as much stress as I possibly can.

So, here’s the rub.

I’m really sexually frustrated.

I’ll let you in on a secret. My sex drive is going crazy. And I didn’t realize that putting all of my sexual release into his hands would be so difficult. He has every right to use me and roll over and go to sleep. And I should be able to deal with feeling all turned on and gooey. I should be able to just go to sleep and be fine. But I’m not. I’m really not. It’s horrible. I have enough difficulty falling asleep, I don’t need a throbbing clit to make it worse. And nights that we don’t play at all are just as bad. At least when he uses me I feel useful.

I don’t know why this is a problem. If anything, we’re having more sex now than we were before D/s. Am I really just jealous when he has an orgasm and I don’t? Am I clinging to this messed up idea of fairness?

But, logical or not, I don’t know what to do about it. After a day or two (sooner if he revs me up) I am a mess. I get frustrated with the kids. I snap at him (not a good idea). I just feel myself getting tense and angry and tired, all at the same time.

Let me be clear, I HATE feeling like this (shouty capitals are purposeful). I don’t want to be jealous of his sexual release. I don’t want to be stressed out just because I don’t have an orgasm for a few days. And my worst fear is that this feeling won’t go away when I finally get my depression sorted out. That this frustration will remain.

I’m just trying to balance the very good advice of ‘it is not selfish it is necessary’, with my need to submit. I don’t know how to balance my desire to follow him and make him happy, with my need for sexual gratification. If I actually had time to sew or scrapbook or something, maybe I could de-stress enough to not need the release. Maybe that’s how I fix both the emotional stress and sex stress. I need me time. The only problem with that is dishes and diapers and life.

Maybe I should ask Sir to make ‘me time’ one of my daily tasks.

The submissive queen in my head is laughing.