Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

I’m a Fuckpuppet

“Here, fuck yourself with this while I brush my teeth.” Not going to argue. I was pretty wet and going by the time he got back. I never realized how thorough he was when cleaning his teeth. Not complaining, just admiring.

“Good job, you may continue while you suck my cock.” Again, not arguing here. He laid across the bed and I turned to get to work. I found this spot, I think it was right under my clit, but I was a little preoccupied. Wherever it was, it was a direct link to everything gooey and wonderful in my head. Anyway, I started grabbing at his chest to let him know that I close. I was really really close. “You can cum, as much as you want, just don’t take me out of your mouth.” I pushed on that spot. It was the most relaxing and amazing feeling. And I came. I came three or four times. I lost count. I couldn’t focus on much. Except that I actually ejaculated. I have never done that before, and it was amazing. It felt great, until it didn’t. It was crazy how after the endless stream of orgasms I started to hurt. I was still moaning and he was too, but the frenzy had passed.

“Ok, climb on top of me fuckpuppet”. I did as I was told, but I wanted to tell him about my ‘new achievement’.

“I made a mess”. I had a huge grin on my face so he actually took a second to sit up, then he grinned too.

“You did, you dirty slut.” Oh the love.

I climbed on top of him. I was already sore from my multiple orgasms, so his cock felt huge inside me. And, after another forced orgasm he flipped me over and slammed into me. That really hurt. In a good way, of course, but hurt.

“You going to cum again, fuckpuppet?” He slapped my ass and I moaned into the duvet. “Put your finger in your ass.” I did immediately and we both moaned. We both came in moments. Puddles of goo and sex juice, we finally got up.

My pussy hurt. It throbbed and stung a little. Sir kept laughing at me as I tried to get comfortable in bed. Every time I moved I would moan and he would snicker.

“Oh, my poor little fuckpuppet”.

Submissive or not, and despite the pitch dark in our room, I could see and still wanted to smack the grin off his face. My clit throbbed, as if he were pinching it at that exact moment to correct my improper thought. I am such a fuckpuppet.

She Escaped

In the interests of full-disclosure, I need to tell you that this is not my submissive brain talking. In fact, I have no idea who is talking or how important she is in my head. She may be a peon who is rebelling from her submissive queen (I have an ironic head).

But something struck me from one of the comments this week.

I think being stressed is such an inhibitor to functioning well on so many levels but what you really need to focus on is that unless your care for yourself well then you will be of no use to those who need you. It is not selfish it is necessary

Mollyxxx

So, I know this was in response to my depression post of a few days ago, but life happens and I keep processing it through all facets of my life. And I have concluded that its accuracy is so extreme that I need to eliminate as much stress as I possibly can.

So, here’s the rub.

I’m really sexually frustrated.

I’ll let you in on a secret. My sex drive is going crazy. And I didn’t realize that putting all of my sexual release into his hands would be so difficult. He has every right to use me and roll over and go to sleep. And I should be able to deal with feeling all turned on and gooey. I should be able to just go to sleep and be fine. But I’m not. I’m really not. It’s horrible. I have enough difficulty falling asleep, I don’t need a throbbing clit to make it worse. And nights that we don’t play at all are just as bad. At least when he uses me I feel useful.

I don’t know why this is a problem. If anything, we’re having more sex now than we were before D/s. Am I really just jealous when he has an orgasm and I don’t? Am I clinging to this messed up idea of fairness?

But, logical or not, I don’t know what to do about it. After a day or two (sooner if he revs me up) I am a mess. I get frustrated with the kids. I snap at him (not a good idea). I just feel myself getting tense and angry and tired, all at the same time.

Let me be clear, I HATE feeling like this (shouty capitals are purposeful). I don’t want to be jealous of his sexual release. I don’t want to be stressed out just because I don’t have an orgasm for a few days. And my worst fear is that this feeling won’t go away when I finally get my depression sorted out. That this frustration will remain.

I’m just trying to balance the very good advice of ‘it is not selfish it is necessary’, with my need to submit. I don’t know how to balance my desire to follow him and make him happy, with my need for sexual gratification. If I actually had time to sew or scrapbook or something, maybe I could de-stress enough to not need the release. Maybe that’s how I fix both the emotional stress and sex stress. I need me time. The only problem with that is dishes and diapers and life.

Maybe I should ask Sir to make ‘me time’ one of my daily tasks.

The submissive queen in my head is laughing.

Sick Switching

Sir and I started our journey into BDSM by switching. He eventually decided it wasn’t really for him, but I still get ordered to edge him from time to time.

However, when Sir is sick or hurt, the switch in me comes out. Always respectful, obviously, but I will make him take care of himself.

He pulled something in his back last night; I think he slept on it wrong, but he is in a lot of pain this morning. So, working from home, he’s set up on the couch and I am working from my desk. But I make sure he takes drugs and keeps stretching. I will bring him water and pillows; take orders as normal. We even did our daily tasks like any other day. But I will make sure he eats; though, to be fair, that includes spoiling him and cooking him whatever he wants.

So, I guess it’s more ‘mom mode’ than switching, but to the outside world I’m sure it looks like I’m taking charge.

So, I’m curious as to how other D/s couples deal with this situation. If he orders me to care for him does that cover me telling him to go lay down or take more meds? Is forcing him to take it easy still respecting him and his authority?

I hope so. We are both terrible when we are sick, but just like those of you that commented that I need to care for myself in regards to my depression, I need him to take care of himself when he is hurting physically. Sometimes he needs a little push to do that.

I just have to watch how hard I push. Although, I could probably out run him with his back hurting this bad.

Task Fail

I was given a task today to take a picture of my clit in one of the vice clamps. I went upstairs to do it while the baby was napping. Very quickly I realized that this was not going to be easy. I couldn’t see what I was doing or keep a hold of anything. So I decided I would take a video, because on my Ipad I could angle the screen so at least I could see what I was doing.

It didn’t really help. Aside from the very clear conclusion that I need to cut my fingernails, I couldn’t get a good enough hold on my clit through the clamp to then close it. It was horrible. I’m sure hilarious, but horrible.

So this happened:

me:  I have good news and bad news which would you like first?

Sir:  bad

me:  I wasn’t able to get the vice clamp on my clit

Sir:  Why not? Relieved because that’s not that bad, all things considered

me:  the positioning wasn’t right and I could get a hold of it through the clamp and close it at the same time

Sir:  We’ll work on that

me:  I am glad you’re not mad

Sir:  What’s the good news?

me:  there is a video of me attempting it

me:  for several minutes

Sir:  hot

me:  so you do get some hilarity out of my failure

Sir:  You can blow me while I watch it in bed tonight

me:  not sure about hot, but entertaining, to be sure. I’m talking the whole way through it, so I’m not sure it’s blow job fodder, but that’s up to you

We are apparently going to ‘practice’ tonight, so he can show me exactly what he wants. Woohoo.

But I look smarter

If you wear glasses, I commiserate. I’ve had them since I was in 2nd grade. I tried contacts in high school and my eyes had an allergic reaction to them. Go figure. Yes, they make me look mildly intelligent and I have fun with biannual style changes. For a few years in college I had these great cat’s eyes with little rhinestones on them. I’m easy to please. But, more often than not, they are pain and I despise them.

If you wear glasses and your Dom/me has a lower half shaving requirement, I want to take you to coffee for tips. I am myopic, I can’t see anything but blur if it’s more than four inches from my face. Let’s just say, that makes it hard to wield a sharpened set of five blades near my nether regions. I have, on occasion, taken my glasses in the shower, in order to be able to see. It doesn’t really work, I wouldn’t recommend it.

If you wear glasses, your Dom/me has a lower half shaving requirement, and can do so while you have a toddler knocking, a baby crying, or a dog trying to check on your progress, you are my god. Distraction equals sudden movements, which leads to scar tissue on my bits that is not entirely attractive. And, you have no idea how much it stings when Sir decides to play with my clit and there is cut there for his tongue or finger to hit. Repeatedly.

 

Sir’s Handle

My hair has stopped growing. That can’t mean anything good, can it?

I am near positive that since last summer the length of my hair has not changed. My son was born in August, and all fall I was constantly losing hair. It was falling out in clumps until sometime before Christmas. But, even though it has thickened up again, it’s still not growing in length.

I understand that that may not seem kinky, and on the surface it’s not. My husband, back before he was exclusively Sir, was all about androgyny. I was quite the tomboy in college; so we fit together quite well. I had very short hair (not shaved, but rarely more than an inch or two) and never wore skirts or frilly clothes. He appreciated my style, though I just called it comfortable.

However, over the past few years I have begun to enjoy wearing dressier outfits. I actually own several dresses and skirts, even a few pair of high heels (several if you count my kink-only ones). And I think he accepted my softer side with enthusiasm. As we began to delve into D/s roles, I think he began to see the benefits of skirts and long hair. So, my skirt collection grew as well as his eagerness for me to wear them for easier access.

It’s odd for me to say it; but him grabbing my hair in a scene is about the sexiest thing. He can direct my head, get my attention, even praise me simply by tugging or pulling or petting at the right moment. I wouldn’t have thought that it could play such a role in our intimacy. And when he is behind me, his use of it to hold me in place is as erotic as the dirty talk he uses while he does it.

The very idea of cutting it seems wrong now. I swear BDSM has touched every part of my life. I think I trimmed it after the baby to try and get it growing again, but no such luck. There is more than enough to wrap his hands around, but I would really love it to cascade a little further down my back. It’s so thick that a braid is near impossible unless it’s wet. And Sir has strict rules about me drying it after a shower.

Hopefully it will start to grow again soon. In the summer, if I get outside enough it gets a pretty red tint to it. It’s one of my favorite features, especially now that it has a kinky purpose. Besides if it’s not long enough in that crucial moment, who knows that Sir will grabbing for next.

Rye's hair

Plug Upgrade

Sir is a great motivator. He knows exactly what will get my butt in gear. In most cases it’s the pain my butt will be in if I don’t do what he wants, but that is neither here nor there.

So I asked, I know, I’m glutton for punishment, but I asked if he could help me organize my day a bit. I’ve started working from home. And even though the boy will be going to daycare in the mornings, I still have a lot to tackle while trying to keep the house, baby 2.0, and 20 hours of work in check. And he, being a loving and supportive Dom, jumped at the task.

I am given a list, usually of ten things, of which I have to complete at least seven. They aren’t the basics; laundry and dishes are their own thing. I still have to have approved dinner made and the kids still have to be alive. But some of the tasks are for me, some are house related, and some (my favorite) are kinky. The list gives me something to focus on, and a sense of accomplishment when I get to mark things off.

Today was a bit of a rough start though. I’m still not sleeping great, so rolling out of bed was not easy this morning. I just wasn’t motivated to get going. And, as always, Sir comes to the rescue. He gave me added incentive by saying that if I complete eleven things on my list today, (he gave me twelve this morning, he was motivated) then we can go out to eat tonight, rather than the previously planned dinner. Needless to say, I got up off my butt. Several things have already been checked off after I finish my lunch I will get back to work.

The nice thing, is that these added little bonuses that he gives me makes me want to do better. I want to achieve his tasks to impress him. To make him proud of me. One of my tasks was to shoot a video of me putting my butt plug in. I have a nice purple silicone one that I’ve been wearing, as ordered, since the new year. But, he purchased a larger, glass one that he really likes. And today I put it in by myself. I know he would be impressed by my wearing it; and he would know I did it just for him. It’s warm and fuzzy and sexy and gooey all at the same time.

So I will wear my larger plug for a few hours this afternoon. Keeping me focused on service and the upcoming weekend. Hopefully I will get everything ready to have the website permanently transferred by Sunday night too. Looking forward to that. Dinner out, an impressed Sir, and a completed list. I certainly have motivation now.

Up, Up, and Away

I hope everyone had a pleasant Valentine’s day. After a wonderful breakfast of eggs benedict (my favorite meal) we came home to a calm household. Not that that will last long…

The kids and I are leaving for the UK on Tuesday. I hope to have access to internet and will update whenever possible. However, as Sir will be staying here, there won’t be much sexy fun to be had. But I am hoping to get some perspective. Hopefully some good pictures too.

I am hoping that Sir will have a good break. Without Baby 2.0 I want him to get a few good nights of sleep. His work stuff is culminating at the end of the month, so a breather from his familial and dominance responsibilities could be good. I hate putting so much pressure on him to be on top of everything in our lives right now. I wish I could give him a real vacation, but a few days with beer and video games after his work stuff is done is all I can manage right now.

I will be back in all this snow in March, though hopefully the snow will be gone.

Maybe while visiting Great Britain I can draw inspiration from all the lovely sex bloggers who live there. Too early for Eroticon 2015, but I will take what I can get.

Just for fun

Had an interesting time with this quiz from bdsmtest.org. Baby 2.0 was even nice enough to coo adorably while I took the test and drank my second cup of coffee.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Bondage Receiver
100% Slave
100% Submissive
89% Degradation Receiver
88% Experimentalist
84% Girl/Boy
79% Brat
70% Non-monogamist
63% Exhibitionist
61% Voyeur
53% Masochist
53% Primal (Prey)
38% Vanilla
33% Primal (Predator)
27% Pervert
20% Daddy/Mommy
16% Switch
9% Brat Tamer
8% Bondage Giver
4% Dominant
4% Master/Mistress
0% All-Rounder
0% Degradation Giver
0% Sadist
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=110936

I’m not sure how accurate any of this is, but it was interesting. It asked a lot of good questions. A person who is curious about BDSM would have a lot to think about and could possibly get an idea of where they fall in the D/s spectrum. But, it could also be a bunch of bologna.

Honestly, the only result that bums me out is the 38% Vanilla. I guess I have a lot of kinking to do. The 79% brat may not make Sir too happy though. Hmmm…maybe this test does know me pretty well.

:::::::::Update::::::::

I talked Sir into taking the test during his lunch break.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Dominant
96% Degradation Giver
96% Sadist
93% Master/Mistress
88% Bondage Giver
88% Experimentalist
80% Non-monogamist
75% Daddy/Mommy
67% Primal (Predator)
58% Switch
58% Voyeur
46% Pervert
43% Brat Tamer
40% Primal (Prey)
25% Exhibitionist
16% Masochist
16% Submissive
13% Brat
13% Vanilla
8% Degradation Receiver
4% Bondage Receiver
4% Girl/Boy
0% All-Rounder
0% Slave
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=111089

I was jealous of his 13% vanilla score. But I laughed at the 16% submissive score. And his 58% switch score was enlightening.