Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 7

#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.

I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.

A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.

The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.

The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.

Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.

Already a Long Week

Well, this Mental Health Awareness Month is one for the journal pages. It appears that my identity crisis on Saturday was just the beginning of a miserable week. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve already had two mental breakdowns. Uncontrollable crying and the urge to close out everything BDSM-related in my life in an instant.

This job promotion could be wonderful. It could also be a lot of stress. I guess even more so if I don’t get it and the complete lack of confidence from my superiors would be difficult to bare. And while it’s been a nice distraction from my regular life and money stress, it’s not making any of the other disappear.

I’m just tired of saying ‘when things calm down’. I keep waiting for things to resolve themselves and to begin to make sense, but they don’t. Money is still tight, my neck still feels naked, and I’m still lost. I keep telling myself that things will sort themselves out soon, but I’m beginning to question that.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

I think for me this happened last summer. I decided to go back to work full time and actually began to enjoy my job. It’s stressful, but normally I can handle that. But while that was going okay, everything else exploded. Things started falling apart with the house, costing more money, which started that stress. My husband’s job got messy. And, above all for me, our D/s dynamic completely disappeared. Ever since taking my collar off earlier this year I haven’t been able to make heads or tails of things.

I think one of the biggest attractions to submission for me is the idea of having a direction. Of know what is expected of me and what I need to be doing. I don’t remember feeling this directionless before I found kink, but now that I’m without it, it’s glaring. Maybe that’s too much pressure to put on another person; maybe that’s why it didn’t work out last time. I just don’t want to be responsible for everyone’s happiness while ignoring my own all the time. Submission was chance to be cared for for awhile.

Poly Problem #76: Pass Priority

Rye's slave braclet

I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.

So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.

Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.

He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.

Workshop Pet

He handed me his empty coffee cup and got up from the table. I walked over to the sink to rinse it before putting it in the dishwasher. He stepped out of the kitchen and came back a few seconds later with my green leash. I was pretty sure I squealed with excitement as I ran over to him.

“Would you like to come to the shop with me for awhile pet?”

“Yes please, Sir.”

“You promise to be good and stay on your bed for me?”

“Yes, Sir.” I put my on my best innocent face and smiled sweetly. The last thing I wanted was to be left in the house alone.

“Good girl.” Click. The leash snapped onto my collar and I fell in step behind him as we headed out the back door.

The walk across the backyard to the workshop was quick. Sir had gone to the hardware store earlier in the week, so I knew he would be itching to get to work. I had hoped he would allow me to come and watch. As we approached the door to the shop I bent down and got on all fours. Sir likes that I have chosen to honor the workshop by always crawling as I enter. In fact, aside from one sexy interlude where I was thrown over a work bench, I was always on my knees or lower in the building.

Sir turned and smiled at me as he opened the door and I crawled in. The workshop was a remodeled three car garage. Sir had put a lot of work into making it meet his needs. Now there was room for all his equipment, his materials, and finished work that was ready to sell. Sir walked over and clipped the leash to the ring he had added to the side of his work bench. I nuzzled his leg as I moved onto my bed underneath his design desk.

There were two big tables at the ‘work’ end of the shop. One for design and detail work and one for this lathe and saws. When he first started allowing me to come out with him he bought me a bed to sit in. This was to be sure I stayed safe and not get underfoot. It also allowed for me to be able to give foot massages and other ‘services’ while he drew plans or did bookkeeping. The bed was made of soft minky material and I even had a blanket that stayed in the shop. He had also built a little shelf for a few toys and books so I didn’t feel ignored while he was working.

Sir walked away from the desk to grab some wood samples and paper. I sat cross-legged on my bed and enjoyed just watching him focus on his work. He soon sat on the stool directly in front of me and began to draw. The radio was tuned to the local rock station and it was all I could not to sing a long. I gave Sir’s pants two small tugs. The music volume lowered.

“Yes, pet?”

“May I service you while you work?” I watched the bulge in his pants twitch as he considered my request.

“You may, but I have to do some machine work in a bit, so when I say stop you must not pout.”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

I reached for the button holding his jeans. He scooted forward on the stool so that I could release his cock and remain under the desk. My request must have pleased him as he was throbbing as I greedily took his cock from his jeans and began licking and kissing him. The smell of him mixed with the smell of shop was such a turn on for me. I took him deep in my throat and he moaned over the music. I wanted to take my time and savor him, but I also knew that this, while pleasant, was distracting him from his work. So while I massaged and licked him, I also took him deep and tried to push him toward orgasm.

I wanted him to cum. To hear his moans as I helped him find release. He didn’t always let me do this when I came out here, so I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I continued my pace as his left hand reached under the desk to push my head further on his cock. His grip on my hair tightened as his muscles began tiny thrusts into my mouth. I ran my tongue under his shaft and licked down to his balls. He groaned and with two hard thrusts emptied himself down my throat.

Holding my mouth still over his cock I rolled my tongue around him as he continued to twitch. I could feel his cum sliding slowly down my throat. We sighed in unison as he pulled out of my mouth and zipped his jeans back up.

“Good girl. Thank you for your service pet.”

“The pleasure is mine, Sir.”

“Are you going to take a nap, or can I turn the music back up?”

“I left one of my Judy Blume books out here, so I think I will read. Please feel free to listen to whatever pleases you. Thank you for asking.”

“Good girl.” He reached down and caressed my cheek as I settled down in my bed to read. The music turned up. Fat Bottomed Girls made me smile as I rubbed Sir’s leg one last time before curling up and enjoying his presence for the afternoon.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Define Your Kink: Day 6

#6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Wow, this should almost be four completely different days. I will try to answer this without boring you to  death with tropes and cliches.

Roots

I believe that the ‘roots’ of my submission is honestly genetic. My father’s side of the family has a name for several of us. We are called ‘burnt toast moms’. The idea being that we will take toast that is burnt and offer a ‘better’ piece to a loved one. I actually got this from my father (we still say ‘mom’). And, to be clear, my husband eats burnt toast so the analogy doesn’t quite work. The idea behind it is true though. We are happy to sit in the middle of backseat on car rides and take the smallest servings of ice cream. We get inside smiles from giving to others. You should see me at Christmas; my bliss is buying the perfect gift.

Childhood

I think that a lot of my submission, specifically my ‘little’ nature comes from my childhood. This isn’t the part where I pull out my Christian Grey tormented youth. I had a good childhood and wouldn’t change it for anything. But when we adopted my developmentally disabled brother I grew up pretty fast. My parents were dealing with him and I was trying to help them and help take care of them. The idea of getting to curl up with a hot chocolate (or more likely coffee) and watch cartoons sounds like heaven. I love to color and bake cookies and cuddle. There is something about being able to relax that reminds me of being a child and my brain connects those.

Discipline/Sex

There is a certainly domestic discipline aspect of it. I like chores and tasks to make the evening and/or environment better for my Sir. Taking care of dinner, or setting out his slippers. They don’t have to be complicated, but they make me feel good. Even aspects of previous D/s attempts with diet and exercise restrictions/requirements went well. And that, also leads into sex.

Sex is a huge part of my submission. I am a masochist and I love pinching, biting, spanking, and choking. I’ll admit that it might not be everything. There is a lot about the idea of being a spoiled human pet that has nothing to do with sex. But being fucked from behind while my hair is being pulled sounds fucking hot. Orgasm denial doesn’t work well for me; I just turn into a stroppy mess. But I’m sure that could be ‘corrected’ with a patient Dom if they so choose.

Conclusions

I am not a broken person. I was not ‘driven’ to BDSM because of my depression or PTSD (they are completely separate). In fact, my mental health was at its most stable when my husband and I were practicing 24/7 D/s. My kinks have been effected by childhood and upbringing. I have a stuffed animal on my desk at work’ it’s just who I am. And that’s the thing. My submission is just a truer version of myself. The real me without all the filters and coverings that I portray to society.

I’m not sure the world could handle a 24/7 horny, cuddly, burnt toast mom me.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

This is Different, He’s a Man

I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.

Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.

This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.

I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.

So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.

I am so nervous.

Taking Positive Steps, Skips, and Jumps

I remember at time when I was pretty positive I was asexual. I not only didn’t feel attractive, but I didn’t think that my attractions to others were normal either. It was difficult for me to think positively about sex or relationships, and that led to several bad choices and hurt feelings. I wish I could say this was a singular occurrence, but I often look at my writing aspirations the same way. I tend to write in an odd voice and cadence (much how I speak) and that’s not for everyone. Funnily enough, I would describe my current sex drive and tastes the same way; odd, and not for everyone.

Recalling those times and feelings is painful. Only in the last few years have I really started to feel like a sexual person. I enjoyed intimacy with my husband, but it certainly wasn’t something I craved. Now I have a completely different prospective to what sex can offer me as an individual and to my relationships. And I think that that has, in turn, affected my writing in a positive way.
As I gain more confidence in my sexual and writing life, I’ve started to step out and move away from the negative and painful memories. My polyamory has been a big step towards that. It’s not always easy (I’m sure there will be lots more Poly Problem posts), but it has show me my own strength. Even just the idea that I am allowed to have needs in my sexual relationships has been quite freeing.
My writing is seeing a growth as well. I don’t always get the time to focus on it as much as I would like. Family, full-time job, and my depression take over from time to time. But I have taken some steps to improve that. And, I’m even starting to recognize and accept my own talent. I started a Patreon account this week. It’s nothing that I would have ever considered a few years ago. I never would have had the confidence to ask people to pay for my work. The idea of selling myself like that was hard to wrap my head around, and I thought about it for awhile before deciding it was the right move. The money could allow me to advance my writing and continue to make steps towards publishing. The idea of being a full-time writer may not be in my future, but still consider this a positive step.
As much as the recollection of my past is difficult, it continues to strengthen my resolve. The idea of ever being ashamed of my sexuality or interest in writing erotica again has faded. And hopefully my patreon will do well and I can continue to grow in both my sexual and writing experiences.
In other words, you’re stuck with me for awhile 🙂

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Define Your Kink: Day 4

#4 –  Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

As a woman, I often feel like I have to be dominant in my vanilla life a lot. I have to be knowledgeable, outgoing, and confident; three things I rarely actually am. As a wife and mother I find myself taking on a dominant role  at home. Being the task master when it comes to chores, hygiene (boys are gross), and our schedule.

When it comes to sex I am rarely, if ever, dominant. I think I tried to bed, way back when, but that could have just been frustration at my partner. My husband and I played around with being switches when we were first trying to spice things up. I even have a strap-on. It was all in-the-bedroom play. I didn’t really get much out of it, but it wasn’t about me. I would usually get some sort of sexual release later on in the evening. But, it was difficult for me to connect with him when I was trying to be a top.

In essence, I rarely feel comfortable being a dominant. I’m looking forward to the possibility of a promotion later this year that would put me in a supervisory position. Nothing else about the position scares me, but having to discipline a subordinate will be a new experience. Obviously not planning to use a flogger, but even just words will be a difficulty.

Selfish Thoughts

How do we balance what we do for ourselves as opposed to what is best for our partner/family/future?

Vanilla example:

I was approached this week by local law firm and offered a job. The increase in pay is amazing. I would have my own office (a career goal of mine) and a job title more in line with degree. I would be creating and managing records, and being allowed to make decisions. It could be a fantastic opportunity for me to not just be another nameless face in a company. But, the benefits aren’t as good as what we have now. I would be leaving possibly a more stable pension as well as dental and vision. The health care coverage wouldn’t cover as much of our mental health meds and the co-pays are higher.
So do I leave my current job, which isn’t a bad job, for something with higher pay and more opportunity for me? Or do I say as the benefits would be better for my family?
I’ll admit, as a submissive, I struggle with this. And it’s times like this that I see it come out in my non-kink life. I want my family to be happy. If I switch jobs, I may be happier, but if it’s at their expense, then I don’t want it. I thought if I took the job that I would take some of the money I received from Christmas and go buy a few new outfits. As soon as I thought it I immediately felt guilty for even thinking about spending money on myself.

Kink example:

Is being a submissive, in general, selfish? Now that I know that my husband doesn’t consider himself dominant it just seems selfish to pursue it. Especially since he’s be supportive of my relationship with Jack. My submission does make me happy, and I guess a happier me does affect my relationship with my husband and my kids. But is that enough? Should I just be happy with what I have?
I’m sure this can’t just be an issue for submissives, women, or mothers. I guess it just always seems to me that other people have a handle on it so much better than I do. Co-workers get their nails done or go shopping as a treat for themselves and not feel guilty. My mother bought herself a new car with her last promotion.
My submission is colliding with the vanilla part of my life this week. My husband is pushing me to very non-submissive actions. And the decision to switch jobs is becoming more complicated. I think I am playing over these thoughts a lot more than twice.
I need a drink.
Read about everyone else’s (probably sexier) posts about second thoughts today by clicking below.
Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings