Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 13

#13 –  Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, please!

Sexual availability is huge for me. I think it’s easily one by my biggest kinks. It was also my first kink realization. Being ready (shaved, wet, etc.) for my partner is a huge turn on. The idea that I am available for use, even when it may not be the most convenient for me is important too. Stopping in the middle of a round of dishes is more than worth my Dom getting their desires.

I think, for me, it all boils down to being craved. The idea that they have to have me right now. They can’t wait another minute. The idea that I could make someone feel that way is so amazing. Even if I weren’t eager for sex before, the idea that my Dom couldn’t stand to wait another moment to use me would certainly have me wet post haste.

The reality that I would be that attractive to someone is, I’ll admit, somewhat difficult for me to believe. But trusting someone to be my Dom and take care of me would mean putting my trust in them. That would include believing them. So if they wanted to use me, I would have to believe that it was because they were truly attracted to me. Not an easy thing for me to accept, but it’s always been something that I’ve wanted to work on within the safety of a D/s dynamic.

I’m not looking for D/s or kink to magically fix my self-esteem issues, but sexual availability would certainly force me to deal with several aspects of my poor self-image. I don’t want it to seem like I’m looking for a Dom to fix me (not holding my breath there), but I would appreciate help in working on my flaws.

As far as limits go, I guess just within the hard limits that our relationship includes. I have two kids, so there may be some instances where their care would have to come before sex. My availability couldn’t threaten my job either. But in general, common sense terms I would happily be available whenever our dynamic is active.

Check out my 30 Days of Kink to read my previous answers and those who are writing along.

Define Your Kink: Day 11

#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye

Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.

I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.

I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.

As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.

I do love being ready for use 🙂

Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.

Define Your Kink: Day 10

#10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Okay, I had to ask Sir for clarification on this one, because it just wasn’t clicking for me. I always look at BDSM as a whole lifestyle, but he reminded me that it’s merely an acronym. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochsim. And while the D and s take on double duty, they don’t necessarily cross over for everyone.

My submission, at least as I’ve been about to determine touches on each of the aspects of BDSM. I consider myself a submissive in the realms of both bondage and discipline. I enjoy both and find a a lot of satisfaction in a submissive place in both realms. In bondage I have found I get into subspace easier and love the marks. But discipline offers a fulfillment that I don’t get anywhere else. It’s a release  of stress that only discipline from my Sir can provide.

Dominance and Submission is a pretty easy one. This is generally what I think of when someone says BDSM. My submission is about giving myself to someone and trusting that they will take care of me. It’s a beautiful feeling when it works and one that I haven’t been able to find any other way (though I’m not one to try hard drugs).

Sadism and Masochism is hard one for me work my head around. But I think that’s only because it’s in direct conflict with my upbringing. The idea of letting (or in many cases encouraging) someone to hurt me is something I’m sure I will always have trouble explaining. There is something about the surrender though. It’s along the lines of bondage and discipline, these aspects often intersect. But it’s about the trust and letting myself just be in the moment.

I think all pieces of BDSM factor into my complete submission. While I’m sure I could be happy without having my nipples pinched or my ass spanked, I don’t know if I would be satisfied. The intervening time I spent without a dominant were some of my lowest. And even now that I have found someone (a lovely someone) to take on that role for me, there are still missing bits of BDSM that pull at me. But this time is also allowing my submission to grow and change. Maybe Sir will help me discover that I don’t need all aspects of BDSM, or help me figure out a way to have it all.

Check out the other Days of Kink that I’ve done and those I have yet to answer on my Define Your Kink page.

Flying High

For some it’s purely about altitude, but for me it’s about the feeling of weightlessness.

Bound, hooded, and flying high for his pleasure.

Rye in rope bondage, hooded and dangled for view.

 

Check out how everyone else is flying this week for Wicked Wednesday!

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

**So as not to scare or give the wrong impression, I am not, in fact, being suspended in the picture above. Please use caution when using any form of bondage or suspension.

Define Your Kink: Day 9

#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.

I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.

When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.

Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.

I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.

Check my other Define Your Kink posts so far and the questions I have yet to answer.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.

The Boss Dom

Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.

She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.

However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.

This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.

The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.

So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.

This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.

Define Your Kink: Day 8

#8 –  Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

The short answer is: yes.

In my previous dynamic with my husband we incorporated spanking as a punishment. This was done with bare hands, belts, whips, and canes. Usually this would part of a larger scene, but on occasion was done for specific infractions.

I found that my success rate with it largely depended on what happened afterward. I know that seems silly, but it always had the largest impact (pun intended) when there was solid aftercare. If it was merely an explanation of what I did wrong, several spankings, and being sent on my way, I faultered. The spanking wasn’t enough of a ‘punishment’, as odd as that may sound. I would continue to beat myself up (figuratively) about my mistake. If, when he thought I had been properly corrected, told me that I was still a ‘good girl’, and that I was forgiven, then I responded better.

My current dynamic with my Sir has only been long distance. He and I haven’t had the situation arise where punishment has been necessary. And, as much as I would love to keep it that way, I’m sure it will need to be discussed at some point. He and I have largely looked at spanking as a form of play, not punishment. But I know it’s something he practices with his primary sub, so I’m sure it will feature in our relationship in some form.

Check out the other Define your Kink questions and answers that I have done do far!

Define Your Kink: Day 7

#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.

I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.

A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.

The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.

The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.

Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.

Already a Long Week

Well, this Mental Health Awareness Month is one for the journal pages. It appears that my identity crisis on Saturday was just the beginning of a miserable week. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve already had two mental breakdowns. Uncontrollable crying and the urge to close out everything BDSM-related in my life in an instant.

This job promotion could be wonderful. It could also be a lot of stress. I guess even more so if I don’t get it and the complete lack of confidence from my superiors would be difficult to bare. And while it’s been a nice distraction from my regular life and money stress, it’s not making any of the other disappear.

I’m just tired of saying ‘when things calm down’. I keep waiting for things to resolve themselves and to begin to make sense, but they don’t. Money is still tight, my neck still feels naked, and I’m still lost. I keep telling myself that things will sort themselves out soon, but I’m beginning to question that.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

I think for me this happened last summer. I decided to go back to work full time and actually began to enjoy my job. It’s stressful, but normally I can handle that. But while that was going okay, everything else exploded. Things started falling apart with the house, costing more money, which started that stress. My husband’s job got messy. And, above all for me, our D/s dynamic completely disappeared. Ever since taking my collar off earlier this year I haven’t been able to make heads or tails of things.

I think one of the biggest attractions to submission for me is the idea of having a direction. Of know what is expected of me and what I need to be doing. I don’t remember feeling this directionless before I found kink, but now that I’m without it, it’s glaring. Maybe that’s too much pressure to put on another person; maybe that’s why it didn’t work out last time. I just don’t want to be responsible for everyone’s happiness while ignoring my own all the time. Submission was chance to be cared for for awhile.