#16 – Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
In one word…drastically. I guess technically I’ve only had two Dominants. But even my sexual relationships that doesn’t include submission have been noticeably different.
I believe there are several factors at play. One of my Doms was my husband, we lived together, and we were monogamous for most of our D/s. My current, and only other Dom is long distance and we are not each other’s primary partner. So the ways that we communicate and our expectations of each other are completely different. With that in mind I’m not sure if I can really conclude that my submission changes are based on one specific thing. So far, I believe it depends on the person.
With regard to gender, I’ve only had a sexual experience with a woman once. While I would love to repeat that, there wasn’t any submission (technically) in that encounter. I’m not sure I could have a female dominant, but never say never. If I did I am sure my submission would change. But again, that could be because of the person, not necessarily the gender.
I think right now my experience is so new that it’s difficult to draw firm conclusions. If we had played regularly with others or I had been loaned out to other Doms I may have more opinions. Right now I’m still trying to figure out my new submissive relationship while figuring out what went wrong as my husband and I tried BDSM. Not necessarily to ‘fix’ it, but more to learn about myself and my needs.
Check out the other questions in the 30 days of Kink and my answers so far here.
#14 – Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
While I was baptized and confirmed in the Protestant faith, my religion has little to do with my daily life today. I don’t attend regular services or really take part in an faith-based activities anymore. I’m really not a spiritual person. With that in mind, my religion (or, more accurately, my religious upbringing) don’t have any bearing in my kinks or need to submit.
I’ll admit I know nothing about religious based submission. I don’t see that ever really being part of my kink. It doesn’t have a part in my vanilla life, so I don’t see it playing a role in my BDSM life either.
#13 – Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
Sexual availability is huge for me. I think it’s easily one by my biggest kinks. It was also my first kink realization. Being ready (shaved, wet, etc.) for my partner is a huge turn on. The idea that I am available for use, even when it may not be the most convenient for me is important too. Stopping in the middle of a round of dishes is more than worth my Dom getting their desires.
I think, for me, it all boils down to being craved. The idea that they have to have me right now. They can’t wait another minute. The idea that I could make someone feel that way is so amazing. Even if I weren’t eager for sex before, the idea that my Dom couldn’t stand to wait another moment to use me would certainly have me wet post haste.
The reality that I would be that attractive to someone is, I’ll admit, somewhat difficult for me to believe. But trusting someone to be my Dom and take care of me would mean putting my trust in them. That would include believing them. So if they wanted to use me, I would have to believe that it was because they were truly attracted to me. Not an easy thing for me to accept, but it’s always been something that I’ve wanted to work on within the safety of a D/s dynamic.
I’m not looking for D/s or kink to magically fix my self-esteem issues, but sexual availability would certainly force me to deal with several aspects of my poor self-image. I don’t want it to seem like I’m looking for a Dom to fix me (not holding my breath there), but I would appreciate help in working on my flaws.
As far as limits go, I guess just within the hard limits that our relationship includes. I have two kids, so there may be some instances where their care would have to come before sex. My availability couldn’t threaten my job either. But in general, common sense terms I would happily be available whenever our dynamic is active.
Check out my 30 Days of Kink to read my previous answers and those who are writing along.
#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye
Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.
I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.
I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.
As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.
I do love being ready for use 🙂
Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.
#10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Okay, I had to ask Sir for clarification on this one, because it just wasn’t clicking for me. I always look at BDSM as a whole lifestyle, but he reminded me that it’s merely an acronym. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochsim. And while the D and s take on double duty, they don’t necessarily cross over for everyone.
My submission, at least as I’ve been about to determine touches on each of the aspects of BDSM. I consider myself a submissive in the realms of both bondage and discipline. I enjoy both and find a a lot of satisfaction in a submissive place in both realms. In bondage I have found I get into subspace easier and love the marks. But discipline offers a fulfillment that I don’t get anywhere else. It’s a release of stress that only discipline from my Sir can provide.
Dominance and Submission is a pretty easy one. This is generally what I think of when someone says BDSM. My submission is about giving myself to someone and trusting that they will take care of me. It’s a beautiful feeling when it works and one that I haven’t been able to find any other way (though I’m not one to try hard drugs).
Sadism and Masochism is hard one for me work my head around. But I think that’s only because it’s in direct conflict with my upbringing. The idea of letting (or in many cases encouraging) someone to hurt me is something I’m sure I will always have trouble explaining. There is something about the surrender though. It’s along the lines of bondage and discipline, these aspects often intersect. But it’s about the trust and letting myself just be in the moment.
I think all pieces of BDSM factor into my complete submission. While I’m sure I could be happy without having my nipples pinched or my ass spanked, I don’t know if I would be satisfied. The intervening time I spent without a dominant were some of my lowest. And even now that I have found someone (a lovely someone) to take on that role for me, there are still missing bits of BDSM that pull at me. But this time is also allowing my submission to grow and change. Maybe Sir will help me discover that I don’t need all aspects of BDSM, or help me figure out a way to have it all.
Check out the other Days of Kink that I’ve done and those I have yet to answer on my Define Your Kink page.
#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.
I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.
When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.
Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.
I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.
Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.
Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.
One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.
Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.
I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.
I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.
As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.
Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.
She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.
However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.
This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.
The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.
So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.
This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.
#8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
The short answer is: yes.
In my previous dynamic with my husband we incorporated spanking as a punishment. This was done with bare hands, belts, whips, and canes. Usually this would part of a larger scene, but on occasion was done for specific infractions.
I found that my success rate with it largely depended on what happened afterward. I know that seems silly, but it always had the largest impact (pun intended) when there was solid aftercare. If it was merely an explanation of what I did wrong, several spankings, and being sent on my way, I faultered. The spanking wasn’t enough of a ‘punishment’, as odd as that may sound. I would continue to beat myself up (figuratively) about my mistake. If, when he thought I had been properly corrected, told me that I was still a ‘good girl’, and that I was forgiven, then I responded better.
My current dynamic with my Sir has only been long distance. He and I haven’t had the situation arise where punishment has been necessary. And, as much as I would love to keep it that way, I’m sure it will need to be discussed at some point. He and I have largely looked at spanking as a form of play, not punishment. But I know it’s something he practices with his primary sub, so I’m sure it will feature in our relationship in some form.
Check out the other Define your Kink questions and answers that I have done do far!