Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Throw me a raft

Monday night I had this dream. It’s like Titanic. Water is coming from everywhere and I am running up the stairs. But every time I make it to the top step water comes in and pushes me down. Then the whole thing starts over on a different floor. Always on the top step.

I woke up completely freaked out. Trapped. My last counselor tried to get me into breaking down my dreams. So, I’m laying there in bed and all that keeps pounding in my head is that this dream is telling me that I’m drowning. That all attempts I am making to better my life aren’t working and I am really just killing myself.

Needless to say that I didn’t sleep for the rest of night. And yesterday was awful. I spent all morning trying to make sense of my life and our future goals. Nothing worked, so eventually I found myself calling Sir at work, balling uncontrolably.

He’s worried about me. My depression slumps are worsening. I can’t pull myself out of them like I used to either. Just life stressors and being overwhelmed by everything. I used to be really good at this.

So, after calming down and looking at new counselor and medication options, I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better.

Family goals for next year include buying a house, getting Sir’s business up and running, getting the toddler ready for preschool. But right now I need to focus on goals to fix me. And I hate that. I hate attention on myself when I have a family to take care of. Like I’m shirking my responsibilities or something.

But as much as I hate it, I need to get my goals sorted, or I will just hold everything else back.

And it’s weird, but the kink is fine. I am my true happy self when I kneel for him. Now I just need to get that mindset all the time.

Wicked Wednesday

Beginnings

As is often in my life, beginnings start with an admission. A realization about myself that alters my way of thinking and changes my path. BDSM was/is no different. As Sir pushes me to submit in all things, I have to accept and embrace certain truths in order to succeed.

Namely, that I am high maintenance. I think I tried to fake low maintenance when I was young. I wanted to seem aloof for guys and my friends. I wasn’t very successful. Sir claims he saw right through me. He doesn’t seem to mind, but it drives me up the wall.

I need positive re-enforcement. I need outside motivation. I need to be told/shown that I am enough for him and that I make him happy. Now, I guess, if he knows this, then he can just give me a pat on the head once and awhile and be on his way. But, add low self-esteem to my maintenance levels and you have a recipe for disaster.

That entire previous paragraph seems crazy to me. I mean, I lived alone, in another country for several months. Shouldn’t I be completely self sufficient? Is this something that will worsen with age? Or is this just a manifestation of my fears that I won’t be a good sub and he’ll eventually want to drop the whole thing? None of those are good.

But I’m panicking over nothing. He has not made any comment of dissatisfaction. He has been supportive of my depression waves as I deal with postpartum and looking for/being constantly rejected from various jobs. Just because my requirements are so high, doesn’t mean that he isn’t doing everything he can to help.

So, I’ve come around to the beginning again. Possibly a forced a beginning, but those can be the best kind. I need to make a change in how I look at difficulties in my life. I know I can’t wish away the ‘high maintenance me’. I would if I could. But I do need to look at all the growth I have done since I realized how happy I could be as a submissive. Look at everything that this has given me. And in moments of weakness, I need to remember it. Beginning to step back from what I perceive as personal failures and look at them merely as steps to find a better way; that will make a difference.

I wasn’t happy with my sex life. I was depressed and felt unworthy and unattractive. So I started venturing out from my standard romance novel (a fairytale never to be achieved) and I started reading modern erotica. Eventually stumbling on several BDSM authors and some wonderful stories about women finding their submissive side. If I wasn’t frustrated and unhappy with my sexual relationship, I never would have stumbled onto it’s salvation. I never would have found the one thing in my life right now that keeps me grounded. And Sir and I would never have learned to connect and trust like we do.

So, sometimes things have to go wrong before they can be right. Sometimes that hurdle that you never think you’ll get over, is right before the finish line.

 

Wicked Wednesday

Plug Upgrade

Sir is a great motivator. He knows exactly what will get my butt in gear. In most cases it’s the pain my butt will be in if I don’t do what he wants, but that is neither here nor there.

So I asked, I know, I’m glutton for punishment, but I asked if he could help me organize my day a bit. I’ve started working from home. And even though the boy will be going to daycare in the mornings, I still have a lot to tackle while trying to keep the house, baby 2.0, and 20 hours of work in check. And he, being a loving and supportive Dom, jumped at the task.

I am given a list, usually of ten things, of which I have to complete at least seven. They aren’t the basics; laundry and dishes are their own thing. I still have to have approved dinner made and the kids still have to be alive. But some of the tasks are for me, some are house related, and some (my favorite) are kinky. The list gives me something to focus on, and a sense of accomplishment when I get to mark things off.

Today was a bit of a rough start though. I’m still not sleeping great, so rolling out of bed was not easy this morning. I just wasn’t motivated to get going. And, as always, Sir comes to the rescue. He gave me added incentive by saying that if I complete eleven things on my list today, (he gave me twelve this morning, he was motivated) then we can go out to eat tonight, rather than the previously planned dinner. Needless to say, I got up off my butt. Several things have already been checked off after I finish my lunch I will get back to work.

The nice thing, is that these added little bonuses that he gives me makes me want to do better. I want to achieve his tasks to impress him. To make him proud of me. One of my tasks was to shoot a video of me putting my butt plug in. I have a nice purple silicone one that I’ve been wearing, as ordered, since the new year. But, he purchased a larger, glass one that he really likes. And today I put it in by myself. I know he would be impressed by my wearing it; and he would know I did it just for him. It’s warm and fuzzy and sexy and gooey all at the same time.

So I will wear my larger plug for a few hours this afternoon. Keeping me focused on service and the upcoming weekend. Hopefully I will get everything ready to have the website permanently transferred by Sunday night too. Looking forward to that. Dinner out, an impressed Sir, and a completed list. I certainly have motivation now.

Mornings are My Favorite Time of Day

The baby woke a little after 5 am. He is getting better at night feedings, so some milk and a clean diaper later, he was back to bed by 5:30. However, since Sir’s alarm is set for 6:15, there wasn’t much point in trying to fall back to sleep. Or, at least that is what I am assuming Sir was thinking when he started groping me.

“Start sucking my cock until I find another use for you.” Why is that hot? I’m sure it shouldn’t be hot. But it’s so so hot. And I love my job. So after a good oral warm up he even let me ride him for awhile. Then I got a little too handsy.

“Stay still hole.” Again, so so hot. And, of course, I listened, because being beaten first thing in the morning isn’t on my list of must haves.

So, my day started early, by being used and getting Sir off to work early and invigorated. Win/Win.

Un’Natural’ D/s

You are finally ready to talk to her. You have gone from porn to blogs to online seminars. You have thought out how to approach her, materials to show her. She loves you, she will at least hear you out. And she does, she is intrigued. She seems willing to try and you fall in love with her all over again. And she does try. She follows every order and crawls at your commands. Her eagerness to make you happy is astonishing. But, you crave this life. Your need to dominate her is as powerful as your need to breathe. Are you really getting everything you desire from this with a person who isn’t as invested as you? Are you hurting her somehow by forcing her into this just for you?

Can a ‘natural’ dominant or submissive be in a fulfilling D/s dynamic with someone who is only along for the ride? Will the supportive partner grow to love the lifestyle or resent their counterpart?
Just musings. I believe that fulfillment is possible. And the love and trust that must exist for one person to give themselves to this lifestyle without being personally drawn to it must be immense. I have great respect for those people who love their companions/spouses that much. I struggle with my submission and I crave it. In a world of uncertainty and confusion I have found something that makes sense to me. Having someone to share that need with, whether out of their own cravings or a love for my happiness is more than I could ever ask for. In fact, I would consider concluding that a partner who gives themselves over to this type of relationship without the guarantee of satisfaction other than their lover’s happiness cares even more than a natural kinkster.

Thank you Sir for taking this journey with me. As my Dom, my partner, my spouse. Our struggles to fulfill the needs of each other is an honorable one. Rather than shrug off the desires of one another, we have worked hard to make our kinks a realization. A non-masochist with a sadist. A service and sexual submissive with a husband who cares for her. Not always aligned, but always working toward a common goal. We fell into this and now that we have found it, neither will walk away without a fight. And that willingness to fight is what will help us find our way. Together.

Never Forget

Sir: ‘You laugh and enjoy yourself for me, not you.’

I forget this, a lot. And even when I don’t forget, it is hard to keep this in mind. When things don’t go the way we planned, or I am having a bad day, it is hard to remember that he does want me to be happy. It is pretty logical though. Why would he want a stropy sub?
This trip has been hard for me. I miss him and am finding it especially difficult to enjoy myself. But that is what he wants. He wants me to have a good time, even though he isn’t here. If I am constantly writing to him that I am miserable, he wants to fix it, or take control. I need to focus on having a good time so he can focus on what is really important right now. I need to be a non-responsibility for him.
If being a sub was easy, everyone would do it. I want to make life better and easier for him. So I will have another cup of coffee and be positive. For him and my three year old who is starting to earnestly miss home. Sir is done with his work stuff, so he can relax and I can just enjoy the ride for the next few days.
I will enjoy myself for him. Because he wants me too.

The Object of My Desire

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was about Trust. My post was about BDSM relationships generally. Another response, this one by Stella Kiink, looked much closer about trust and honesty in talking about desire. See her entire post here. But a few statements in her piece rung true for me.

“We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.”

I completely agree with that, as much as I wish it wasn’t correct. I also find myself holding back from asking. It’s myself that I don’t trust, not him. I know that he would never judge me. And, even if he cannot give me everything that I desire, I know he won’t laugh or outright reject any request. It can still be difficult to form the words to explain a fantasy or need clearly; I often leave out the most important part, making it impossible for him to fulfill the desire completely. I handicap him before he even starts. And even though I don’t blame him, I know that when he doesn’t get that perfect reaction he blames himself. I hurt him when I don’t trust myself enough to be honest.

Stella also discusses how she is honest with her readers. Her willingness to share with her readers is also a mirror held to my face. Even though Sir reads this, I hate the idea that he is learning things for the first time on this blog, rather than direct from my lips. I will say that it is somewhat comforting that I am not the only one guilty of this transgression.

So I am trying to go with a clean slate. Below, like Stella (and some I stole from her), are several of my current fantasies and desires. Hopefully a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure Sir will pull a few more out of me. But after this I will do my best not hold on to any of them, especially not from him. And, since it’s easier, for whatever reason, from you either.

I want to be desired
I want to be spoiled
I want to be used, repeatedly
I want to be forced to cum, over and over
I want you to photograph me
I want to feel as sexy as you think I am
I want to beg for everything you choose to give me
I want to crawl
I want to be everything that you want me to be
I want to be punished until I cry
I want you to talk dirty to me
I want to be covered in your cum in public
I want to be your princess and your slut
I want to be one of those subs that you masturbate to

Feel free to judge if you want, I can’t hear you laughing.

Why I follow

Leadership is about trust. If you want to be followed as a leader, then you need to establish a foundation of trust. Once you have it, you can inspire those around you to achieve great things and push themselves in new ways.

Leadership is about motivation. A strong leader can bring the best out of those around them. Whether that is a staff finishing a project or a submissive taking five more lashes. Knowing what a person needs to hear to tough it out for a few more hours is a impressive skill. It takes a lot to motivate those that are tired or under extreme stress. But knowing a few words of encouragement can make all the difference.

Leadership is about confidence. Just because you have confidence, or a strong ego, doesn’t mean you’ll be a good leader. But leadership does require a certain amount of self-assurance. In order for those you are leading to feel comfortable following you, you have to know what you are doing and be able to express that knowledge.

Leadership is about a strategy. You don’t have to know all the answers. But you have to have a game plan. And when the unexpected happens, a leader is the one everyone looks to for direction. If you are directionless when you start, then you have no hope when things inevitably go wonky.

Dominance is Leadership. In so many ways, to be a good dominant is to be a good leader. A Dom can inspire their submissives to give more, take more and be more than they ever thought. The trust that they command allows those under them to fully submit and feel safe in their care. If you can show me your leadership then you have earned my respect. And I cannot imagine submitting to anyone that don’t respect.

~Not all that sexy, I know. But a quality like leadership is really important to me. Sir leads me down the rabbit hole everyday and I let him because of all of the above qualities. I will always take one more because he wishes it and I know he will lead me through to the other side.

Wicked Wednesday