Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

A Better Me

Things I wish I didn’t feel…

I wish I didn’t want you to pay more attention to me. I know that you have a lot going on. I can’t be your focus all the time. You have stress and work and so much to do. I feel so selfish that I am looking out for my happiness and not making your life better.

I wish I wasn’t a romantic. Not like flowers and candy. I hate flowers. But a thought. I clean your house, manage our lives, wrangle our kids. And I hate that I want to be appreciated for that. That I want to be recognized like a six year old and get a present every time I turn around.

I don’t want to feel hurt. I know you don’t mean to hurt me. And I am not trying to rub it in your face. Trust me, feeling this way isn’t fun for me.

I just don’t feel like a sub. I want to be able to want things. I feel like I am always trying to be there for you, but I still want things. I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how to let myself just be yours when you don’t have time to take all of me. I can’t shut it on and off, I wish I could.

I wish I didn’t compare myself to others. But I always do. These subs that cherish their Dom/me and are so grateful for every little thing that they are given. I want to be that. I want you to be able to say ‘no’ and me not fall apart. I mean, what kind of sub am I if I can’t hear the word ‘no’. I don’t know how to deal with that. How to grow. We just don’t have the time to train. You come home from work tired and grumpy. Bedtime for the kids can take twenty minutes or two hours; so any intimate time is limited. But I want to rub your feet and suck your cock and be glad for the opportunity. I want you to be able to do things for you and me not be jealous. To take care of the kids while you play your games and know that doing that for you is what you want. And not get so frustrated and annoyed.

I wish I didn’t feel like a bad person for wanting things in my life. But at the same time I wish I didn’t want to want things.

I just wish I was better.

~

Sorry about the rambling. I’m glad it’s Friday; I need the weekend.

What a slave craves

I lay on the floor and think about how I have pleased you.

I hope that I made you moan enough.

That you are pleased with me.

The floor is softer than most people think. Softer than I deserve.

I curl up and feel selfish. Guilty for wanting more.

Wanting to have more of you. More of your time, your attention, your passion.

I feel closer to you here.

Even though I am ‘beneath’ you. Maybe because of that.

My muscles hurt from my workouts.

And from you taking what you need from me.

I like those pains the best. They actually help me sleep.

Could I have taken more pain? Would that have made you happier?

Should I have begged to cum again? Would you have let me?

I hate to ask. I only want to take what you give me.

To be satisfied with what you chose to share.

I hear you start to breathe heavy above me. At least you can rest.

You will make me what you want. I just hope I am strong enough.

I roll on my back and cover myself with my small blanket.

I know I will dream of you.

Evaluations

I chose to write this blog as a way for me to work through the process of becoming the submissive (now slave) that Sir wants me to be. I have found throughout my life that I can write my feelings much easier than I can express them verbally most of the time. Whenever I am struggling with an emotion that I cannot quite pin down I always find writing helps, even if it starts as babbling.

Sir has been supportive of this outlet for me, but I also need to talk to him. I know it really bugs him when he learns that I am struggling with something when he reads it here rather than me talking to him first. I’m sure that’s where the ‘you can’t know anything I don’t know’ rule came from. And I appreciate that he wants to know how I am doing.

But as a submissive I wrestle with this. How do you evaluate your Dom’s performance and share your feelings while still being a respectful slave? In our case, he is learning too. It won’t always be perfect, we both know that. But I get punished when I mess up to help me grow and learn. Needless to say, I cannot punish him. But I do need him to understand how certain things that he does have an emotional effect. He doesn’t want to break me just yet (at least I hope not).

We are both just trying to find the best way to keep everything honest and open while still being respectful. I don’t want to seem like I’m whining because I’m not getting everything that I want. But how much of not getting what I want is just part of being a sub and when does it become a problem? Unsatisfied does not necessarily mean unhappy, but where is the line? When do I need to stand up and say ‘okay, that’s too much’? I don’t mean safewording in a scene. I mean after the aftercare (or lack thereof), when I finally reflect on what I am feeling and attempt to put it into words. When I feel ignored or dehumanized or unloved. And I know what you’re thinking, that all those things are just part of D/s sometimes. And that is my problem. When does it cross the line from ‘suck it up, buttercup’ to being a consent/abuse issue? I know that Sir would never want to push that line on purpose, he loves me and wants this to be fulfilling and satisfying for both of us. So I hate the idea of getting worked up about something if I should just be accepting the experience as it is.

I know that we will eventually lose the need for this. Once we get everything settled in our dynamic and work through all these bumps, these types of conversations will fade. But right now they are hard for me to work though. I get very emotional when I try to tell him what I want. I just feel immediately guilty and whiny when I critique a scene or emotion from the night before. But I know that if some things continue I would begin to get emotionally beaten down. The results of which neither of us want.

Killing Expectations

Sir is a big Frank Herbert fan, so I managed to struggle through the first Dune book a few years ago. I could see really getting into it, if science fiction is your thing. Very much along the line of the grand scale of Game of Thrones. The intrigue, the entrenched family lines, the acceptance of murder as part of daily life. Definitely a world you can get lost in. And the concept of “fear is the mind-killer” stayed with me. The idea that your fears can control your life and your progress has been something that I have personally battled. I am a worrier; always have been. So I can get wrapped up in fears, some of them completely illogical, and miss out on some great things. Facing fears and working through them help us to grow as people. But you can say that as much as you like, it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

However, through my growing experience as a submissive I have found a larger mountain to climb than my fear of spiders. For me, expectations are the mind-killer.

I like to think that I am not the only sub/slave/little that struggles with this. Everyone has expectations of relationships and what will make them happy and fulfilled. When those expectations start to be a hinderance on that happiness, that’s when problems arise. Although I do hope that it is a temporary issue. After years I’m sure Sir will succeed in stamping it all out.

I guess I just still have a problem with my own desires. I think I am selfishly putting my own needs/wants before Sir’s (See my previous post on Selfish Sex). It’s not how I want to be. I want to put him first in everything. But that’s not something that comes naturally to me. Parts of it are easy. I can serve him dinner and make his lunch. But I expect his dominance throughout the day and especially at night. The chance to let go has become so centered around him. If I don’t get that chance to please him, then I don’t feel like I deserve to be pleased. I think it leaves me feeling off. Not quite depressed, but just down in a sense of not feeling like I’m living up to his expectations or my own as his property.

I am still working through my issues with my sex drive too. Though lately I have felt an odd drop in my libedo that I am not happy about. I have found that sexual frustration and denial can have serious health and mood ramifications for me. Obviously something that I need to deal with as Sir is constantly threatening a chastity belt. But I have attached an expectation to sex. Like if I complete all my tasks during the day and don’t fuck up, then I should get sex. If he is tired or the kids won’t go to sleep I find myself getting inexcusably cranky. My own expectations catch me up.

Then there are times when we are both tired and sex is just off the table. The next day it’s hard to feel his dominance while he’s at work. I lose a connection with him; and I hate that. It’s not that our connection is only established through sex, but it is a great reset button for us.

I’m sure time will tell how Sir will help me to correct this. It’s not a matter of if, but of how much my mind will fight him in his training. Although, I guess that in itself is an expectation.

Well, crap.

 

Selfish Sex

Sex used to be fair. And in this case, I am using ‘fair’ as a negative term. Orgasms were almost always one for one. If one person got oral, then the other had to have it too. There was a constant knowledge that we were both keeping score. There would be a lot of resentment when one person got ‘attention’ and then miraculously got too tired and fell asleep without balancing the scale. I will be the first to admit that I was on both ends of that unfortunate scenario. So either both of us would have a orgasm or one would go to sleep frustrated and angry.

It wasn’t a great system. When it worked, it was great. We found very early on that we could pretty consistently cum together during sex. When we could find a good rhythm in each other it was amazing. But those moments were not guaranteed. This led to something I now (certainly not at the time) lovingly call ‘selfish sex’. We were so worried about our own orgasms. If the other person came, good for them. But from the start of foreplay until we finished clean up it was all about whether or not I came. I guess I can’t speak for Sir on this; I don’t want to assume that he was as selfish as I was. But I was extremely selfish when it came to sexual satisfaction. When he would orgasm, rather than being happy for him, I was always just worried about whether he would take care of me before he passed out. There was a lot of needless frustration and guilt surrounding our sex life.

Now…..

When I make him growl and orgasm while sucking his cock I literally drip on the floor. Bringing him pleasure and release is a completely new sense of calm for me. Obviously my own orgasms are nice, but they don’t have the same priority that they used to. Once we started this new dynamic, I was getting stressed when it would be days between orgasms. But I realized, that I was actually just stressed out by lack of sexual contact in general. As long as we have some intimacy, even if I don’t cum, I am fine. The other night I was able to worship his cock and slept like a baby.

Honestly, the idea that I don’t have worry about keeping score is half the relaxation. I’m not stressing about whether or not I am going to get mine. I can just focus on him and let him take me where he wants. And if he lets me or forces me to cum once or multiple times, I don’t have to worry about matching the numbers. Our sex life isn’t a series of notches and ‘you owe me’ feelings.

It’s a process. I still know when my last orgasm was, and his. I don’t have resentful feelings about either one, but I do still remember them. Hopefully, I will eventually get to the point that I don’t even consider it important to track. I can really just let Sir take me where he pleases and be glad for the journey. Sex will just be about his pleasure and the enjoyment I get from satisfying him. Orgasms get to be a reward for my good behavior rather than a selfish battle of wills. And we all know that I am always on my best behavior.

Sir just laughed himself off the couch and he doesn’t know why.

Sicko

Sir: I’m frustrated and upset. It’s like it’s your way or the highway this morning.

I practically bit my tongue off trying to keep from saying something to get into more trouble. There were so many snappy things running through my head.

Now you know how I feel everyday.

Guess you are taking the highway, Sir.

I’m just imitating you.

Luckily I kept all those thoughts in my head. After Sir left for work and I got a chance to sit and think about what he said. The rude responses were replaced by shame at my behavior.

When I don’t feel well I struggle. Before BDSM I always took on everything. And now that I am a slave that has almost gotten worse. So when I don’t feel well and I can’t give 100% it drives me crazy. He tries to help and cut me some slack. I hate that. I hate that I can’t be on top of my game. It makes me feel like a bad slave and I hate being sick even more.

I have an issue with doctors. It’s a weird anxiety that I have. But when Sir tells me to make a doctor’s appointment I always push back. And he has been really good about giving me some leeway when it comes to medical decisions. But he made a good point this morning.

Sir: Right now you are so sick you can’t service my cock with your mouth, and we both agree that’s not okay… I expect that, one way or another, you will be back in service “shortly,” well or not.

I never thought about how when I am sick I cannot service him in the ways that he wants. So when I refuse to take steps that he feels are necessary it’s keeping him from receiving the service he requires. I have never felt so selfish. I didn’t realize that me pushing my freedom when it came to my health had such a negative effect on him. And if it continues to hinder him then I won’t get to have that freedom anymore.

So I will take my medicine and put on a sweater and probably call the doctor when they open this morning. Because I need to feel better to be the slave that he needs. That and as much as I don’t like doctors, Sir’s wrath is way worse.

Coming Home

My parents are home from England. They have been gone for six months and it has been a struggle. My kids have such a close relationship with them, our two week visit in early February was not enough. So a visit to the family farm was a long time coming. The three year old even stayed up until 10 to see them before he could sleep.

So after hugs and luggage unloaded everyone was ready for bed. We had discussed the fact that playtime would be very limited this weekend so I prepped the bed for sleep. When Sir came in I asked if he wanted me to sleep on the floor next to him. After a huge grin he said that that would be lovely. I made up a little pad next to the bed and curled up for the night.

It was the best I have slept all week.

Submitting Reality

Every woman who is aroused by submission is also aroused by an alpha male who can tame her. These women aren’t looking for a husband in the bedroom who will make them feel safe and loved. They already have that in their relationship. These women are looking for a man who is strong enough to conquer them. That way the woman can still feel vibrant and independent… but also feel comfortable submitting to their lover. That’s the turn-on for women. They don’t want to be submissives… they want to feel like they can’t resist submitting.

Jason Luke, Interview with a Master
(via thefiercelover)

I don’t know that I always feel like this, but certainly most of the time. I have his love and trust him to keep me safe. But that is separate from our D/s.  Even though I am always a slave, I know he will be there as my husband and the father of my children when I need him. But I don’t submit to him. I submit to my master, my dom. I want to feel like he is supporting my decision to kneel by not giving me any other option.

Part of me wants to resist the truth of this statement. If for no other reason than because it’s a guy saying it. But as I reread it, each sentence makes me nod and smile. The warm gooey feeling that I get from giving everything to him.

He called me this morning after he took the kids to daycare. He had left his work keys at the house (we switched cars today and his keys were with the other car). Without even thinking I jumped in the car and drove him his work keys. His office isn’t too far from the house, and luckily I didn’t have to get out of the car because I wasn’t really dressed for the public. But I got a hot kiss from Sir as he reached through the car window to collect his keys.

And it felt amazing. It was my only option as his slave, he didn’t even need to ask or order. There just wasn’t another possibility. I couldn’t resist him. And it was awesome.

Trial and Error

So last night I am worshipping cock. Always a pleasant experience. Sir always says that having his cock in my mouth is never not an opportunity to impress him. It is a challenge that I accept wholeheartedly.

Then the baby started to cry. It used to be a real buzzkill, but we’ve learned to adapt. I got up from the bed and went to his room to check on him. He’s been teething lately and having a rough time, but he calmed down quickly and was almost asleep before I left the room.

When I returned to continue my task Sir told me that I would be licking his taint instead. He was jerking off and moaning in minutes. He told me that I would be rimming him in no time. That that was where a slave belonged. And that I should be happy to be offered the opportunity to please him in this way. It was my job to tell him when I was ready to take this step. I continued licking his taint and sucking on his balls, eventually finishing him off with my mouth. We laid on the bed for a few minutes, just letting him to enjoy his orgasm.

Am I pushing you too fast?

It was an honest question that I didn’t immediately have an answer for. We have been trying a lot of new things lately. He has definitely been pushing me. But isn’t that the point? That’s what I signed up for. I can’t blame him that this is the interstate part of the journey.

Kink is a lifestyle choice. And taking on a new lifestyle takes time to fit into every part of your life. Our occasional D/s in the bedroom moved to a full TPE Master/slave dynamic very quickly. But we knew what we wanted/needed from each other; why pussyfoot around it?

Vanilla couples think that trying a new position is a real step out of their comfort zone. But it’s still penis in vagina at the end of the day. Kink opens up a whole new dimension of activities and options. It’s like going from a 2D painting to a 3D world. We are looking at some really emotional and physically straining concepts, and it requires a lot of experimentation to find out how different facets of BDSM fit into our lives and our personal desires. These experiments can generally yield three possible outcomes.

Outcome #1 – Both of us find it unappealing. We try an activity/toy/position and neither of us get anything amazing from it. This has happened a few times. It has also happened that one person didn’t mind it, but the other had such a difficult time that it wasn’t worth repeating. Micromanagement has been like this for us. I really didn’t mind the idea of constantly reporting to him, but he hated it. We really had to fine tune this to make it work for lives. But the general practice of dominance through complete micromanagement was quickly nixed.

Outcome #2 – Easily the most common outcome; this would occur when one of us loves an activity and the other doesn’t. I am completely obsessed with rope bondage. It turns me on and makes me feel powerless. I’m just a rope covered puddle. But Sir isn’t a huge fan. I think he will work on it to please me, but it’s a lot of work and focus for him. It takes a lot of set up time, and with two kids in the mix, time to play is precious. On the other hand, he is a huge fan of high impact scenes. I am not a masochist, so studded belts and extreme pain are not close to fun for me. I try to take as much as I can for him, but I usually end up safe wording and feeling like I disappointed him because I had to stop before he wanted to. He has learned to work with me and balance his intensity and I have learned to forgive myself for not being able to take all he wants to give.

Of course, if he likes it and I don’t, it will inevitably be used as a punishment at some point. But he wouldn’t know the activities that push my buttons like that if we didn’t try lots of things.

Outcome #3 – Both of us find the activity pleasurable. We each get something out of it and both want to add it to our kink. My new favorite example of this is our recent adventures with water sports. However, this is the rarest of all the outcomes. He is a sadist and I am physical control submissive, so our kinks don’t automatically mesh. We work hard to find those connections, and when we find one, we recognize it’s importance. The bulk of our attempts will need fine tuning and adaptation to work perfectly. It’s rare that we are both satisfied the first time we try something. But we have learned to take the best parts of it and mold it to work for us.

I think it feels like both of us are running a marathon right now. We don’t get to play every night because of the kids, and when we do play, we are almost always trying something new. I can’t speak for Sir, but it’s an overwhelming amount of information for me to process. Never mind the fact that I have the kids, work, and a house to run. But I don’t think that I am the only one. Most of the couples in TPE relationships have had to deal with these issues. This learning curve is something that I imagine most kink couples go through, and I doubt our rate of testing is that far off from the norm. I don’t want it to seem like I am complaining about it. And at the same time, a night of tried and true kinks is always welcome. Hell, getting the chance to make Sir comfortable and relaxed after putting the kids to bed is not always guaranteed.

We want to get to a point in our relationship where we have a routine. Get through the bulk of our experimenting and just be the Master and slave that we want to be together. I’m sure there will always be pushing. New things that we find or decide to try. A new toy here or there. But the general aspects of our kink would be defined. He would know all my limits and the perfect ways to push my buttons when I’m good and make me cry when I’m not. Though, now that I think about it, I am always good, so he can just focus on the reward part.

Never Say Never Again

Last month I wrote a post for Kink of the Week entitled Never Say Never. It was a piece about how I never really thought that Sir and I would get into water sports, but that I was always open to new experiences. About how my current situation with small boys has me dealing with too much urine as it is and I didn’t really think I would get anything from the experience for quite some time. I mean, I have been peed on before and didn’t get anything from it at all; it was by a two year old, but I figured urine is urine.

The world constantly proves to me that I am silly cunt, you would think I would know by now.

*                                   *                                     *                                     *

As I was walking out to mow the lawn Sir shook his water bottle at me.

‘It’s my third one.’ And the grin appeared.

Earlier in the day he asked me to consider and specify my limits with water sports. I explained that I wasn’t entirely comfortable, but I was willing to try someday. I don’t think he gave a flying flip if I was comfortable. But I also thought it was just a passing conversation. I had talked to him when I had written the post last month and he wasn’t into it. He wasn’t into trying it. He was happy for me to write about how we were taking it off the table for the foreseeable future, if not ever.

So after the lawn was mowed and I was a sweaty mess I headed up stairs to shower. Our mower is self-propelled, but it doesn’t work all the time; and by all time, I mean it stops whenever I hit a small incline. I had taken my grass covered shoes off on the back step, but my clothes were gross, as was I. As I walked into our room I aw Sir standing next to the bed, naked from the waist down. The grin returned. How he manages to find my exact most vulnerable moment I will never know. Sweaty, dirty, and sore; maybe he is just drawn to me like that and it turns him on.

Take off your clothes and come to the bathroom.

Stripping actually took a little longer than normal as everything was stuck to me, but I was finally able to remove the grass covered garments. I took my hair down walked into bathroom. He pushed me to my knees. He had removed my collar so my neck tattoo touch-ups could heal (a horrifically emotional 24-hours, let me tell you). But he decided I could have it back as a show of his ownership of me and a reward for my good behavior. I think he knew how much it messed with my head to have it off. He had me lean forward so he could lock in place again. I took the tip of his cock in my mouth and swirled my tongue around it. After he stood back up I continued to suck on him for awhile. He grabbed my hair to pull me back off of him.

Get in the shower. Present.

I crawled over to the shower, turned around so I could face him, and got into position. He stood over me in this territorial, animalistic way that I have never seen from him before. Maybe it’s the way he stands when he takes me from behind, but for obvious reasons I wouldn’t know.

I’m not sure what I was feeling. I think just a weird mix of apprehension and fear. I wasn’t afraid that he would push me, or that I would safeword. I think I was afraid I would like it. I sat there in this state of anxiety.

And I sat there, and I sat there.

‘I guess I shave a shy bladder.’

I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Eventually, he relaxed enough from my teasing. It was hot. Temperature wise and just plain erotic. I felt marked and owned and amazing. I practically arched my back into it. I was so in the moment of being a slave that when he finished I immediately took him in mouth. I wanted to express this feeling of complete ownership and joy I had. I must have gotten my point across as he quickly told me to get up and turn around. My definition of sex in the shower has been forever changed.

‘You are my piss-covered cumslut fuck puppet.’

He left me to get cleaned up. By now I really needed it. But I as stood in the shower I started to come down from whole scene and think about its various events. It wasn’t horrible. Not only that, it was kind of nice. I am not sure that the actual pee really turned me on, but the act certainly did. The territorial nature of it was exceptionally erotic. Being marked in that way had a possessive overtone that I have never experienced before. I washed off the external marking, but still felt this overarching sense of calm.

All afternoon I smiled with it. He seemed to enjoy himself too. He kept screaming from the other room.

Dang it, I have to pee.

Almost depressed that he couldn’t use it to lay his claim on me again. He wasn’t the only one. I really like my new name too.