Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

My List of Lists

Sir will be the first to tell you, I am a list queen. A running weekly grocery list is standard. But I also have daily task lists, lists of questions for my counselor and doctor. My Christmas shopping list is created around mid-September with budgets and ideas. My day planner has my tasks for the day and week as well as all my appointments and things that Sir needs me to handle. It can get pretty gross.

I have always been like this. It’s how I organize my life. Lists help me to stay

Lists of everything from groceries to goals for the week.
Lists of everything from groceries to goals for the week.

motivated and focused. While I have a strong work ethic, I do find it easy to be distracted when I am in the wrong environment. I have found, working from home is actually a terrible location for me. If I had my own office space with a door I could close, it would be different. But my desk and work space are currently in the dining room, which is rife with distractions. It has been a learning curve; I am used to a desk in an office where everyone around me is working too. Here I have the dog curled up on the couch behind me. And that couch looks really comfortable.

But the lists always bring me back to Sir’s expectations. He has helped me work through some of  my high and low days with weekly tasks. So if I have a bad day, I can do more the next day to make up for it. It has helped me to stay motivated, but still be held accountable. And seeing the things being marked off really help me to keep going. It’s an interesting cycle that completing something, however small, makes me want to complete more.

From back in late March. Don't believe the blank weekend.
From back in late March. Don’t believe the blank weekend.

Some people keep lists to remember things. I think the only list that that is relevant for me for is the working grocery list. When I empty a container or we run out of something I will put it on the list so that I remember to get more. But I have a very good memory. My lists are for motivation and personal self-worth. I look back on these pages. All these check marks of completion and I feel like I am doing my best for Sir. I really look at a physical representation of accomplishment. A completed project, a clean bathroom, a finished craft. That is why I struggle with an endless pile of dishes and laundry. It never feels complete.

Lists aren’t necessarily sexy for me. I will have sexy tasks from time to time. But they are more of the service aspect of our TPE relationship. They help me stay on task and provide everything that Sir requires. They help me to be a better slave.

Today’s List:

1. Work for 4 hours

2. Dishes

3. Laundry

4. Vacuum Dining room

5. Clean Bathroom, including scrubbing the shower

6. Dinner – Chicken Stir-Fry

7. Make baby food (use up the ripe mango)

8. Call to set up tattoo appointment (for touch-ups)

Wish me luck!

See how lists help and inspire others or share your own lists on this week’s Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Friday’s here…ugh

So much to do today. We are headed to my mother-in-laws for the weekend. And the list of to dos keeps growing.

-Finish my project for work and email it to my boss

-Laundry

-Dishes (all of them, so they won’t be sitting out while we are gone)

-Pack up the boys clothes/diapers/food for the weekend

-Pack Sir and my clothes and toiletries for the weekend

-Pack up meds and the baby food I made yesterday

-Make apple mango baby food with the ripe mango we have

-Find a way to keep the garage door closed while we are gone (it’s not ours, it’s the landlords, but Sir doesn’t want it swinging open)

-Pack up dog food and bowls.

-Get stroller out of the back of the car.

-Clean out fridge

-Take out trash

So that is my day. Plus a million little things that I can’t motivate myself to do this morning.

Last night was a ‘just us’ night. Nothing overly fancy, just the two of us being together. We don’t get many nights like that. He still called me a slut. But I was cuddled and kissed slut.

Wish me luck on my long list today. I’m going to need it.

Task Fail

I was given a task today to take a picture of my clit in one of the vice clamps. I went upstairs to do it while the baby was napping. Very quickly I realized that this was not going to be easy. I couldn’t see what I was doing or keep a hold of anything. So I decided I would take a video, because on my Ipad I could angle the screen so at least I could see what I was doing.

It didn’t really help. Aside from the very clear conclusion that I need to cut my fingernails, I couldn’t get a good enough hold on my clit through the clamp to then close it. It was horrible. I’m sure hilarious, but horrible.

So this happened:

me:  I have good news and bad news which would you like first?

Sir:  bad

me:  I wasn’t able to get the vice clamp on my clit

Sir:  Why not? Relieved because that’s not that bad, all things considered

me:  the positioning wasn’t right and I could get a hold of it through the clamp and close it at the same time

Sir:  We’ll work on that

me:  I am glad you’re not mad

Sir:  What’s the good news?

me:  there is a video of me attempting it

me:  for several minutes

Sir:  hot

me:  so you do get some hilarity out of my failure

Sir:  You can blow me while I watch it in bed tonight

me:  not sure about hot, but entertaining, to be sure. I’m talking the whole way through it, so I’m not sure it’s blow job fodder, but that’s up to you

We are apparently going to ‘practice’ tonight, so he can show me exactly what he wants. Woohoo.

Plug Upgrade

Sir is a great motivator. He knows exactly what will get my butt in gear. In most cases it’s the pain my butt will be in if I don’t do what he wants, but that is neither here nor there.

So I asked, I know, I’m glutton for punishment, but I asked if he could help me organize my day a bit. I’ve started working from home. And even though the boy will be going to daycare in the mornings, I still have a lot to tackle while trying to keep the house, baby 2.0, and 20 hours of work in check. And he, being a loving and supportive Dom, jumped at the task.

I am given a list, usually of ten things, of which I have to complete at least seven. They aren’t the basics; laundry and dishes are their own thing. I still have to have approved dinner made and the kids still have to be alive. But some of the tasks are for me, some are house related, and some (my favorite) are kinky. The list gives me something to focus on, and a sense of accomplishment when I get to mark things off.

Today was a bit of a rough start though. I’m still not sleeping great, so rolling out of bed was not easy this morning. I just wasn’t motivated to get going. And, as always, Sir comes to the rescue. He gave me added incentive by saying that if I complete eleven things on my list today, (he gave me twelve this morning, he was motivated) then we can go out to eat tonight, rather than the previously planned dinner. Needless to say, I got up off my butt. Several things have already been checked off after I finish my lunch I will get back to work.

The nice thing, is that these added little bonuses that he gives me makes me want to do better. I want to achieve his tasks to impress him. To make him proud of me. One of my tasks was to shoot a video of me putting my butt plug in. I have a nice purple silicone one that I’ve been wearing, as ordered, since the new year. But, he purchased a larger, glass one that he really likes. And today I put it in by myself. I know he would be impressed by my wearing it; and he would know I did it just for him. It’s warm and fuzzy and sexy and gooey all at the same time.

So I will wear my larger plug for a few hours this afternoon. Keeping me focused on service and the upcoming weekend. Hopefully I will get everything ready to have the website permanently transferred by Sunday night too. Looking forward to that. Dinner out, an impressed Sir, and a completed list. I certainly have motivation now.

Motivation: Round 2

Hit the ground running this morning. Lots to do. He set a task to have 60,000 steps by the end of the month and I have not been meeting quota the last few days. So lots of jogging around the house today trying to get extra steps in. I just love his exercise tasks (sarcasm drips).

The house hold has been light in kink lately. Five weeks. Five more weeks and we may get back to some semblance of normal around here. I think I might start a countdown.

Hope everyone has a good kinky week. I’ve been doing a lot of writing to channel my thoughts. That and snow shoveling are taking up most of my time. But busy is good. And I know that he misses the kink as much as I do. But, life happens. At least it only happens for the next five weeks.

Now laundry and dishes to do while jogging a couple thousand steps. I love Sir and the tasks he gives me to better myself and strengthen my submission.

And if I repeat that about 100 times I might stop laughing when I say it.

Stalling for time…

I am always jealous of people who know exactly what they want in life. My mother knew she wanted to be a teacher since she was in eighth grade. She went straight through and got her Phd and has been a professor teaching education for more than twenty-five years. I am always floored when I think of her determination.

I never had that type of practical goal. I am a dreamer. I always wanted to be a writer. J.K. Rowling was my wet dream. But a college degree in ‘so what’ and a master’s in ‘we’re not hiring’ have left my career aspirations at a stand still. As much as staying home is driving me crazy, it is easier than getting motivated. I know that my resume is a hard sell, but I can interview great. I have skills, they are just all over the map as far as what an employer is looking for. It is just a rabbit hole that I am dreading entering in the new year.

You can tell I don’t want to clean my house, I am talking about job stuff and goals for next year. My parents and mother-in-law are arriving tomorrow and I have a massive list of things to do. Sir’s task list is tiny, because my own list was even overwhelming him. But, I still have exercises to get done, so I guess I should stop stalling.

Not sure if I will get to write over the next few days. I may go hide up in the bedroom for a break at some point. Hope everyone has a good holiday, or is having a good holiday if you are currently celebrating Chanukah. Enjoy family and be safe.