Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Attainable Goals

As I sit here and drink my second cup of coffee for the day I keep coming back to what I want to accomplish this year. As my husband sits on his computer learning Swedish, apparently, I feel the need to also improve myself. I’m not good at languages (as my fruitless six years of Spanish will attest). There are quite a few other goals that I would like to work on though. Finishing a quilt or two that have been started and had to be set aside. Losing weight is always a go to goal. I’m still down on what I weighted this time last year, but another thirty pounds wouldn’t hurt.

However, I have another goal for 2017: anal training. Prior to Jack’s last visit we had discussed how much fun it would be for him to take my ass. We didn’t really have time when I visited in October, so we were both looking forward to it. I thought I had prepped okay. All anal November was a bit of a wash, but I wore my Njoy a bit and tried to stretch when I thought about it.

Apparently thinking about it wasn’t enough. When we did get a chance, in our hotel room, during his visit in December, things did not go well. Although I was able to eventually relax with the help of the Doxy, it wasn’t long before I had to stop. The Njoy did not prepare me for his girth or length. And while I’m sure he would take that as a compliment (in fact I’m pretty sure he did), it crushed me. After all the talk and hype about anal over the last few months, to be thwarted again, was a real blow. Especially as I was mostly my own fault for not preparing better.

I am hoping to see Jack several times this year. It depends on finances and schedules, but my fingers are crossed. In any case I don’t want to be what holds us back from anal sex next time. So I am going to try and start a regimen. I’m sure my husband won’t mind helping me stretch occasionally too. It’s good to have motivation to reach your goals.

Check out how everyone else is starting off 2017 by clicking below.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Dom Block

Rye in a kneel position.

When we first got into BDSM, neither one of us knew what we were doing. We bounced around back and forth, trying to find what we liked and what we didn’t. It was how we had to find our way forward. But, now something has come up which requires going back to the beginning and I don’t really know how to do it.

 

But I can no longer avoid the truth. I must train Rye.

 

That’s not a slight against her; it’s not really for her benefit that she needs to be trained; it is for myself. When I first had the idea to write this post, I wanted to discuss the things that were holding me back from being more dominant. It did not take much soul-searching to realize that one of my biggest stumbling blocks comes from the beating I give myself whenever I feel like I have “failed.” The reasons for this failure aren’t important – any excuse, really.

Usually, my “failures” follow a common pattern: 1. I tell her to do something; 2. She earnestly tries to do the thing which she thinks I have instructed her to do, but gets it wrong; 3. I see that she has failed, but I recognize that the reason for the failure is that I did not properly communicate my desires. I perceive this as my failure to communicate my expectations, which makes me upset. Rye can tell I am upset, but believes I am upset with her. She may get defensive or disappointed if she is waiting for approval. I am unsure how to communicate my frustration, how to communicate that a mistake was made and that I am waging internal warfare with myself trying to figure out who to blame. All she knows is that I am being silent with an upset look on my face.

Which brings me back to training. I know I have written in the past about my views on communication and language, so I will just summarize. Because language is an artificial construct created by humans to facilitate the transmission of data, languages are naturally vague and impersonal, and every linguistic communication experiences some data loss. The best way to insulate against this data loss is to arrive at an agreed-upon series of signals to represent agreed-upon data. For the majority of our lives, “natural” language serves this purpose just fine, but it is not inherently appropriate for all circumstances.

“Kneel.”

Well,..how? Feet together or apart? Knees together or apart? If apart, by how much? Hands in front or back? Elbows straight? Butt touching feet? Thighs perpendicular to the floor? Thighs not perpendicular to floor, but butt not touching feet? Feet extended straight back? Feet bent so only toes touching floor? Head up? Head down? Where to look? Etc.

When I say Kneel, I know what I want to see, but Rye has no clue. So, through training, we will arrive at some common definitions. We have to arrive at an agreed-upon word, which means, “position your body such that your knees and toes are the only things touching the floor, your heels are touching one-another but your knees are about 18 inches apart, your thighs are perpendicular to the floor, your back is straight, your hands are behind your back, with the back of your hands pressed into the small of your back and your fingers woven together, tits out, head up and eyes straight ahead.”

Maybe, “Kneel up.”

Orgasm Training

No, no, I don’t have to be trained to have an orgasm. Trust me, I’m good there. I’m talking about the other way. Training myself not to.

Things with the husband and I are good. But ‘fixing’ his libedo just isn’t a priority for him right now. There is just too much going on. He clarifies that his drop in sex drive is a symptom of a larger problem. And fixing one symptom doesn’t really help. I get that, it’s hard, but I get it.

So I need to try and keep myself together as he works through his hurdles. I had been masturbating in the afternoon to help keep me from putting too much pressure on him in the evening. It has helped. It is a nice reward after my workout. But I don’t really think it’s sustainable.

I don’t want to lower my sex drive; I’m really happy with where my slut level is right now. But, if he is going on a sex hiatus, then I need to adapt. And being able to go more than 24 hours without an orgasm is going to be necessary. I have found that orgasms have a large affect on my mood for a long period afterward, and I need to find a way to live without that. At least for a while.

So I didn’t have an orgasm yesterday. And so far I feel ok. I’m going to keep myself busy today. Grocery run and workouts will help. We are visiting his mother over the weekend (our first break from work at the new house), so that will be nice. And the Doxy will have to stay here, so I will be less tempted to play. It will be a challenge for the first few days, but I think in the long run it will help me get through this rough patch.

However, I am sure my clit will take your well wishes.

It’s not cheating

When Sir set my June task to wear my butt plug for 50 hours I was concerned. He didn’t give me the task until the second week of June, so I was worried I wouldn’t have enough time to complete it. And I hadn’t worn the plug for consecutive days for quite some time. I wasn’t sure how multiple hours, several days in a row would work. But that was my challenge. And I think I rose to it. I’m now comfortable wearing the glass plug for extended hours. I’ve left the house with it in to do grocery shopping (one of my 101 Things). It is all together a more pleasant experience to put in and wear. I was doing so well that I finished my 50 hours early and Sir allowed me to start my July hours a few days before the month actually started.

This was a huge relief for me. I was worried about 100 hours in one month. Even wearing it every day for three hours per day wouldn’t be enough. And if I forgot a day or was excused from wearing it because I felt sick would really put me behind. So I started the month with eight hours already done. But yesterday I wasn’t really feeling well. I tried to put it in and just felt sick (sorry if that’s TMI). I didn’t even last fifteen minutes. And then I started (in my usual anxious fashion) to start worrying about how I would make up that time.

Since my little accident with the glass plug Sir ordered me a new one and it arrived yesterday. I like my purple silicone one, but it just doesn’t feel as comfortable for longer amounts of time. So I had been doing my three hours and taking it out. But with the option of the glass plug back on the table, I considered something. What if I slept with it in? I hadn’t really thought about it before. But after I started weighing the options, I’m not sure why it hadn’t been there from the beginning.

So last night was my trial. Sir wanted me to take it out if it kept me up or if I woke up in the night in pain. It would be the longest I ever had it in, so I wasn’t sure. But it wasn’t a problem at all. 9.9 hours and I felt fine in the morning. In fact, it was kind of nice. Having my glass plug again was great. The flange is a lot smaller and smoother than my silicone plug, so moving around at night and sleeping on my back wasn’t a problem. I woke up, took it out and went on my way.

No longer worried about my 100 hours. A few more nights like that and I will be sorted. And, one of my 101 Things goals to wear the plug for 85+ hours in one week is a lot more realistic as well.

Training Session, Part II

This is a continuation from yesterday’s post: Training Session, Part I.

I sat kneeling next to Sir. He would pet me occasionally as he sipped his bourbon. It was a chance to just be with him. It helped to recenter me. When Mistress returned I was ready.

Up on the bed again Rye. Lay on your back. 

I set my glass on the floor and stood. Sir helped me up and I lay as she instructed. Sir kissed my hand as he let go of me.

I felt the sub rub his hand up my thigh. He was much gentler than scum (or worm, or whatever she called him). His cock rubbed up and down my pussy, putting delicious pressure on my clit. I moaned, but didn’t reach for him. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed. After a few more seconds rubbing my opening, he pushed into my pussy.

Now you see why he is one of my favorites Rye. He has been trained like this before. He will be a challenge for you. 

He moved slowly. A much different approach. I started to build immediately. And I could feel him hold back where he could. But he wasn’t fighting it. He shifted his right leg and got a much deeper angle. We both groaned at the same time and I arched up into him.

That is my generous cock. Make her come, cock.

I felt his weight shift and he drove deeper with his thrusts. Then two fingers ran up my clit and pinched. I screamed and came hard. It took me completely by surprise. I was glad Sir had never done that, I wouldn’t have had time to ask permission to come.

I could hear Sir and Mistress laughing on either side of me.

Good cock. Here, climb off of her so she can get up and we can get you tied down. Good job, pet, you have pleased me. She will not be so nice to you, I think.

I sat on Sir’s lap again while the sub was restrained. When I heard Mistress walk around the side of the bed I stood up. Sir directed me into place. He slapped my ass for encouragement.

Don’t forget, cunt, you have two minutes this time. Show me how much you love to suck cock.

Yes, Sir.

I started slow. My tongue sliding up and down the sub’s cock. He moaned and pulled on the restraints. I reached my hands around to grab his ass and push his pelvis into my face. I took him deep in my throat and gagged.

He moaned and I took him deep again.

One minute, cunt.

I tried not to think about the time counting down. If I picked up speed too quickly he would desensitize and not come in time. Instead I kept my steady rhythm. He groaned and began to thrust up into my mouth. I began to rub his taint in sync with my lips tightening around his shaft. His breath quickened and his leg muscles clenched. I reached my hand up to pinch his nipple and push him over the edge.

Time’s up.

Sir grabbed my hair and pulled me back and off the bed. He was so close, but I had failed. I could feel Sir’s anger as he stood next to me. I heard the clips release and the sub move off the bed. Sir pushed me forward and bent me over the edge of the bed. One hand pushed the middle of my back as the other spread lube over my ass. I had forgotten about this part of the task, as it hadn’t been necessary last time. But this time I had failed. This was my last chance. I knew I would be punished for not meeting the two minute deadline; I could not make it worse by failing to make the sub come at all.

When Sir was done, he released my back and I scrambled onto the bed. I needed him to know that I would not dissappoint him again. I felt the sub climb up behind me. He didn’t force himself, he just rested his dick against me and let me push back onto him. But then he immediately started to move. He started to breathe heavily after just a few thrusts. He wasn’t going to be able to hold out long, I had him quivering just moments before. But I also didn’t know how long this would go on, and I couldn’t take any chances. The next thrust I curved my hips down and pushed back against him. It only took two more thrusts for him to shutter and collapse onto me.

I sunk into the bed underneath him. I had avoided further disappointment, but it didn’t matter. Sir had given me a task, and I had failed.

Cock, you are making progress, but you failed to resist her charms. And if not for a shortened task by Rye’s Sir, you would have broken just like scum. Back to your cage. Another rest, perhaps? 

Yes Dawn, that will be necessary. I need to deal with Rye’s failure. Do you care if your slaves see her shame, or should we go somewhere else?

No, they may witness how a true slave is treated when they displease their master. They will realize how easy they have it here.

I had never been punished in front of others before. Impact scenes were different, he wasn’t truly displeased with me then. Though I deserved this ultimate humiliation as I had made him look bad by not meeting his requirements, it would be hard for others to see it.

I got up off the bed and knelt on the floor. I heard little as all footsteps walked away from me, but I knew Sir would return. I waited. I was near tears with shame and fear when I again felt him close. He pulled me up and had me walk away from the bed.

Present.

I quickly knelt down into position, speed taking precedence over grace. After a moment my blindfold was ripped off. My eyes adjusted quickly to the limited light in the room. It was twice the size of our bedroom at home. A seating area at one end and the bed at the other. Next to an ornate chaise lounge were three large dog cages, each filled with a naked sub. All three men looked at me with a mixture of pity and glee. Mistress appeared beside me holding a drink.

Take a seat, Dawn. This won’t take long, but it must be dealt with now. I don’t want her to get into her own head and ruin the evening.

I understand. She has preformed admirably so far, I know this hiccup eats at her and will not be repeated.

Nonetheless, her blindfold has been removed so that she cannot hide her face. It will be returned when I am done. On all fours, Rye.

I dropped my hands down and let my head hang.

You will receive fifty strikes for your inadequacy Rye. And when I am done, you will be forgiven. Do you understand?

Yes, Sir.

Before I had even finished the word Sir, the cane came down across my ass. My body shot forward to try and absorb the impact, to no avail. I kept count in my head, as I knew everyone else in the room was doing. Tears were streaming down my face before the fifth stroke fell. He kept moving up and down my thighs and ass alternately, so nothing had the chance to go numb. I felt every hit. I glanced up to see Mistress sipping her drink. Behind her, all three subs were stroking their hard cocks. They were enjoying my punishment. That made the next few strikes easier somehow, that they were not pitying me. Why I cared what they thought, I don’t know. Something to distract me from the sting of each hit.

What number am I on, Rye?

Thirty-eight, Sir.

I must have been correct, because the beating continued without response. After the last strike I let out an audible sob. I often did this to let out the last of my shame at disappointing him. He grabbed my waist and I curled into his chest as he carried me back to his chair. He took my hair down so he could run his hand through it while he rubbed my back. All the time whispering that he loved me and that he was proud of me.

I know that this has been intense, but you are doing a wonderful job. You are doing your best for me, and you are presenting yourself beautifully. I couldn’t be prouder of my slave.

We sat there for a few minutes. I think he finished his drink, but another appeared quickly. I didn’t care about what anyone else was doing, I was just being a loved slave, and I wasn’t going to rush him.

Alright pet, time to impress me again. Do you think you can show Mistress what a real slave looks like?

Yes, Sir.

That’s my girl.

I knelt in front of him as he re-braided my hair and slipped the blindfold in place.

Ok, Dawn, bring on the next victim.