Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 12

#12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I do not include any financial aspects as part of my submission. If anything, I’m a sucker for a gift. A lot of that could be ignorance. I don’t know too much about the basics of financial submission.

One of the big reasons I’ve always shied away from it is the simple fact that I don’t have money. I have to pay my mortgage and buy food for a house full of boys; my birthday money this year went to pay my electric bill. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my life.

I would love to be able to buy gifts for Sir. I always enjoy making people smile with a thoughtful present to lift their day. If you know those people who remember something you said that you really wanted and give it to you months later; that’s me. Christmas tends to be a stressful time for me; not because I lack ideas, but that I lack the funds to really get everyone what I would love to give them.

I’m not sure that really falls under the umbrella as financial dominance though. And I think that just me calling it financial dominance rather than financial submission just highlights my ignorance of it. Like I’m trying to distance myself from it in every possible way. I wouldn’t mind learning about it as part of general kink research, but I think at the same time I’m afraid of it.

Over the last year I’ve started to become more and more fearful of new kinks. Not out of judgment or disgust, but out of the reality that I may never get to experience them. I am afraid that if I delve into something new that I’ll love it and want to try it. My long-distance Dom is balancing two submissives, so adding all sorts of new kinks isn’t really an option. And my husband has completely walked away from kink. I see finances as complicated in a basic, every day context. Trying to engage him with D/s in something that can already be overwhelming doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

The fact that I have had a tight budget throughout my life makes financial submission a hard thing for me to grasp. While the idea of gift giving is a real joy, I’m pretty sure the kink goes much deeper than that. And aside from my amazon wish list I think I would just be out of my depth.

Check out my other 30 Days of Kink and consider answering them yourself.

Commandon’t

I remember reading all sorts of BDSM novels and short stories when I first found kink. They, or a great number of them, all had scenes where a sub would have to remove their underwear in some public place. Or possibly go commando with ben-wa balls or some other insert-able toy. It was either a struggle as the sub felt embarrassed or was immediately wet; sometimes both. I’ll admit, I was a little incredulous.

Maybe it’s my stage in life, or the fact that I’ve had two kids, but my self body image doesn’t allow for too much commando possibility. I don’t blame my kids entirely, my self-esteem was not super high before I became a mom. However, since then, the idea of not having underwear seems more a safety hazard than a sexy time. Which, if you were going for the embarrassment factor could work. I guess I feel like I would just feel uncomfortable and miserable too. Though I guess that could change with the rest of the outfit too. If I was in a billowy skirt or something that could be a different story. However, for me personally, I would need to lose quite a bit of weight to really feel as sexy as I would want to.

Don’t get me wrong, I think going commando can be really sexy. I think it’s underrated on men as well.  And it often feels like going commando is a common D/s theme. With the right person, I can see how it could very goo inducing. I think it’s a perfect date night or dinner party activity.

I think I just spend all my time either at work or with my kids. Neither of these activities would be made better by not having my underwear. And, unless I’m sleeping, don’t even get me started on not wearing a bra. I haven’t been able to go without support in public since I was ten.

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Update

I really wanted to write. I have missed this space and all the supportive, wonderful people who come and read. I have missed the inspiration to write about sex I’ve had and fantasies for the future. Writing about BDSM and how, even though dynamics have changed, it’s a huge part of my life. But life happens.

Instead I cried at my computer to my Dom. He patiently listened and wrote back in his supportive way. He told me I wasn’t a failure and I balled. He told me he cared about me and I balled. It was largely me crying and him telling me that it was going to be alright.

Sadly, not that inspiring. But I’m getting there. This is the first time in awhile I’ve really been pulled to write. I miss what this blog gives me.

So hopefully this is my comeback. After two months off I need to get my sexy juices flowing again (in more ways than one). Thank you for being patient while I work through the random shit that is my vanilla life. But I don’t think that I want to be away anymore. No matter what is going on I need this safe space to just be me.

Hope you’ll all stick with me. 🙂

Already a Long Week

Well, this Mental Health Awareness Month is one for the journal pages. It appears that my identity crisis on Saturday was just the beginning of a miserable week. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve already had two mental breakdowns. Uncontrollable crying and the urge to close out everything BDSM-related in my life in an instant.

This job promotion could be wonderful. It could also be a lot of stress. I guess even more so if I don’t get it and the complete lack of confidence from my superiors would be difficult to bare. And while it’s been a nice distraction from my regular life and money stress, it’s not making any of the other disappear.

I’m just tired of saying ‘when things calm down’. I keep waiting for things to resolve themselves and to begin to make sense, but they don’t. Money is still tight, my neck still feels naked, and I’m still lost. I keep telling myself that things will sort themselves out soon, but I’m beginning to question that.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

I think for me this happened last summer. I decided to go back to work full time and actually began to enjoy my job. It’s stressful, but normally I can handle that. But while that was going okay, everything else exploded. Things started falling apart with the house, costing more money, which started that stress. My husband’s job got messy. And, above all for me, our D/s dynamic completely disappeared. Ever since taking my collar off earlier this year I haven’t been able to make heads or tails of things.

I think one of the biggest attractions to submission for me is the idea of having a direction. Of know what is expected of me and what I need to be doing. I don’t remember feeling this directionless before I found kink, but now that I’m without it, it’s glaring. Maybe that’s too much pressure to put on another person; maybe that’s why it didn’t work out last time. I just don’t want to be responsible for everyone’s happiness while ignoring my own all the time. Submission was chance to be cared for for awhile.

‘Move It or Lose It’ or ‘Why Your Sex Drive is Like Federal Grant Funding’

I have a theory that your sex drive is a bit like grant funding. If you don’t use it, next year they’ll give you less. For those not from the United States or those who may not know the Federal Grant Funding system, let me explain. When you apply for grant funds, you have to estimate costs for everything you intend to do. However, if you end up spending less than what they give you, when you re-apply the next year, they will give you less. They assume you don’t know how to estimate after that and undercut you. And, once your budget has been cut, it’s very hard to justify more again.

So, what if your sex drive is just like government funding? If you don’t use it properly you slowly lose it. Slowly getting less and less every year until it completely disappears.

My personal experience has been strangely both in favor and against this theory. When I was vanilla I had no sex drive, or one hardly worth measuring. I guess it doesn’t really disprove the theory as I was starting at nearly zero. The sex drive government had nothing to take away. Then I found kink. My sex drive went into overdrive. Since embracing my submissive side I have craved sex daily, usually multiple times a day. Given the chance, I would love to just be locked up in a hotel room for a few days with the occasional food and sleep break.

Lately, however, my sex drive has started to slow. My husband’s depressive slump has killed his interest in sex. I have tried to take care of things myself, but I find myself losing the plot as other things continue to take priority. At the end of the day I think about how I could have found time for more sexy times, but by then it’s usually too late.

So, as we enter into Masturbation Month, all our priorities need to re-focus. Obviously quality should always take precedent over quantity, but taking the time is equally important. Just think about if past performance were responsible for your sex drive in the future? Don’t let an allergy or work stress have a long-term affect on your attempts of lovely orgasms.

Give your current self and your future self all the lovely ‘O’ faces you deserve this month. I’ll be glad to help where I can to keep you from losing funds next month 🙂

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I Haven’t Run Off to Join the Circus

Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA. I honestly have a few different posts started and just need to find some quiet time to finish them.

Last night my mother called to tell me that a dog was hit in front of our farm house last night. Just like our dog that was hit five years ago. I tried my best to hold it together on the phone with her, but I collasped as soon as I hung up. It triggered everything with my PTSD. I haven’t had an episode like that in years. But I couldn’t stop shaking. I was really looking forward to a cider after dinner, but I couldn’t stomach it.

My husband was wonderful. He held me and let me cry. We curled up with the kids and watched a movie. It was nice to just be able to sit quietly. Though I’ll admit it was difficult to focus on much.

We have people coming over for dinner tonight, so not sure when I will get to write ‘for real’. Maybe the extra time will help me make sense of all my thoughts. Fingers crossed you won’t get another rambling mess of a post like this one. Anyone know with any type of mental illness knows that sometimes you just don’t have any control and you just have to ride the wave. I really wasn’t prepared for this wave, so we’ll see how it goes.

This is Different, He’s a Man

I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.

Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.

This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.

I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.

So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.

I am so nervous.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.

Define Your Kink: Day 3

#3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

I thought this would be a really easy question to answer. But as I reflect, it’s actually quite difficult to pinpoint what I think makes me submissive.

The short answer is that it was just something I knew. Everything I read about it just seemed to click with me. I began to separate the way that I acted in my ‘vanilla’ life and who I really was. The scenes and descriptions were such a turn on as I focused in on specific activities and attributes. I kept finding connections in how I acted around other people that fit into a submissive mindset. So many aspects of my life were telling me that this was who I really was.

I remember the first time that my husband and I tried a traditional D/s scene. Our sex had been pretty vanilla before that, so any sort of bondage or rough sex was new. I remember him ordering me to my knees and then having me crawl toward him. I was so wet by the time I reached him that it was running down my legs. We were both surprised. After that it was like my sexuality had been dormant. Everything woke up and suddenly made sense with submission as the missing piece.

I know that, even if I don’t have a consistent dynamic, I will be a submissive for the rest of my life. It has grown and affected so much more than just my sex life. And knowing that that side of me exists (under all the fake that the rest of the world sees), helps me to get through the day. I make choices and defer to others just and much, or as little, as I did before. But I don’t feel guilty about it now. It makes sense that that is just who I am as a person. And when I am praised, even for something small, I feel like the little that I am.

 

*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*

Prompt #21: Write a letter your 10-year old self

Prompt #21: Write a letter to the 10-year old child you had been

Dear 10-year old Rye,

Stay strong. Not matter what. The next few years are going to test you. Just remember that you are beautiful and strong. I don’t want to give too much away, but your teenage years are not going to be easy for you. As difficult as it will be, your life will not end with high school. There is so much more for you to experience. Enjoy and appreciate those opportunities, even though they may seem like trials at the time. Don’t depend on others, trust yourself to know what you need.

Which leads me to a topic that you haven’t considered. Sex. I know you are only ten and have a world of growing to do. My advice is just to let yourself grow. Don’t compare yourself to others and try and race the curve. Try to be open to experiencing things that we weren’t necessarily raised to consider normal. Pleasure is found in different ways for different people. Don’t judge.

You are a good writer. Don’t stop writing down all those ideas and random story lines. All those ideas for novels deserve to be written. Don’t give up on that dream.

For every tough thing that you face, trust the people around you. Your parents and family love you. You turn out alright, trust me.

Love,

Your future self

P.S. You are going to get your first period, like, tomorrow. It’s going to suck, just FYI. Sorry, nothing I can do about that.

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This is in partial fulfillment of #4 of my 101 Things in 1001 Days task, which is to use 10 writing prompts. This one isn’t very sexy, but with my grandmother’s funeral yesterday I have been thinking a lot about childhood and family.