Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Friendly Visit

He arrived in the middle of a snow storm. Driving back to the house I was doing 40 mph on the highway. Luckily, he was willing to talk so I could concentrate on the road. We grabbed some dinner and I dropped him at the B&B to try and get some sleep. My husband wasn’t comfortable with him staying at the house, which I respected. It was easier with the kids at home anyway. So it was a compromise I was happy to give to make him feel more secure.

Thursday was our ‘day to live life to the fullest’. After running some errands and grabbing breakfast we hit the road for Amish country. It was a long day in the car, but I wanted to show him something he really couldn’t experience on the rest of his travels. Honestly, we could have the spent the entire 36 hours in a coffee shop just talking. We spent a long time in the car talking about everything from Australian politics to childhood antics. Getting to hear his voice, rather than endless written conversations was such a relaxing feeling.

It was a productive day. We bought a lot of ingredients and cooked dinner at the house for us and my husband. It wasn’t near as awkward as it could have been. We laughed and cooked together. So many of our conversations are focused around enjoying moments. Cooking dinner and eating together were two amazing moments that I will never forget.

My friend left on Friday. It was sad to see him go. I feel like just having him here was a huge confidence boost. I don’t want him to go back to being just my twitter boyfriend. If anything, this trip has proved how much more we are to each other.

He and I have a relationship of similar paths. Even though twenty years in age separates us, we have a lot in common. And not just in our experiences. We think the same way. It is rare that we need to explain feelings to each other. As soon as he tells me about an event or interaction I know he felt about it. Our brains process the same way. I didn’t realize it completely until we met in person and I found myself nodding along to his stories.

Kink didn’t come up too much. It was how we first started talking, but I’m not sure it’s what really connects us anymore. We have much more that we relate to. BDSM will always be a part of us, but it’s taken on this unspoken role. Honestly, because I think it would create a sexual tension that we are trying to get away from. He and I have played with that tension often in the last several years. One or other of us asks the question or changes our needs to include various things. There was a period where we considered a form of D/s dynamic. And there were even moments of weakness, on both our parts, where we would plan our lives together on some island somewhere; far away from our current troubles and responsibilities. While these grand plans sound good at the time, they always end up being selfish fantasies.

Even though I think we both are comfortable with our non-physical relationship, there were a few tense moments. Not in any negative way. There were just a few times where I really wanted to give him a kiss, even just on the cheek. And, I’ll admit, the idea of giving him a blow job as a Christmas gift did cross my mind. But I was good. I didn’t go into the Bed and Breakfast with him and I kept my dirty comments to a minimum.

We said goodbye already talking about another trip. I’m not sure my finances will allow me to travel to Australia anytime soon, but I am more than willing to try. To find someone that you connect with on such a deep level is pretty amazing, and I know both of us recognize how lucky we are.

I miss him already.

Why

I realized that following Tuesday’s post I look like I was giving up. And I feel the need to clarify my decision to ask Sir to remove my collar.

I wasn’t giving up. And it wasn’t an easy choice. It’s been a few weeks of considering and figuring out if it was even an good idea. And I still don’t know, but it’s no going back now. As hard as it was in that moment, it forced both of us to look at where we were and face some pretty serious demons.
Sir has been distant. It’s been weeks since we’ve had a scene. We dropped back to pre-BDSM sex levels. My sex drive has been driving me a little crazy, but I’ve been trying to be patient. I don’t like the idea of pressuring him into having sex with me. I just kept feeling him drift further away. He stopped enforcing rules, all our protocols, everything. If anything, it felt like he was giving up. I know he wasn’t. But the emotional drain can put all sorts of ideas in your head. But as much as I have been stressed with this home remodel and the kids, he has been getting ready to start to his own business. He has a lot more reason to be distracted. But I’m a needy slave who is struggling to understand that I can’t be the center of his universe all the time. Or even most of the time.

So I thought it would be a wake up call to talk about the collar as it defines our dynamic. Maybe this bump is just a bump. They happen, just like in any relationship. But what if it’s not just a bump? What if we need to take more than one step back to assess? I really wanted to make sure that I wasn’t overdramatizing a small hiccup.

In my opinion I wasn’t. And, luckily for me, neither did he. So Wednesday during the drive to family we had a good talk about what needed to change. Over the last few days we have brought up past issues and concerns that he has had and we have tried to come up with ways to circumvent them. This long weekend has been about the boys and our parents. It’s been a cabin with close quarters, but we have still tried to keep conversation going, even if the dynamic is on hold.

The next few weeks will mean change. We are trying to come up with a new structure. Master/slave just isn’t working like we both want. Possibly an Owner/pet scenario, or maybe something more esoteric. We have talked about a switch idea. Me taking charge during the day, in a FLM-type set-up, with Sir taking over at night. This would let him focus on work when he needs too, but still report to me and feel like he needs to answer to someone. I can do what I need during the day, without completely losing my connection to him. Then at night I can sink into my submissive headspace and he can be guiltless with his needs. It’s a work in progress. Probably to take on several forms before we settle on something we are both happy with.

But this is part of the process, right? Trying new things until we find something that works for the two of us. What is BDSM but the trial and error of finding how your kinks work in your everyday life. At least I found someone who is willing to stay through the failures until we find the perfect dynamic set-up. What more can a demanding, sex-crazed, stressed, slightly masochistic submissive ask for?