Can subs have an off day? Can you walk up to your Dom, say “Sorry Sir, but PMS has made me its bitch before you could today?” Is there some sort of pass that can be offered?
I would love to blame PMS for my mood today. There is just something off. I could blame lack of sleep, lack of orgasming for a few days, general depression. Hell, I could blame the fact that maybe I made my coffee weaker than normal this morning. I just don’t know.
Is this me cracking already? I find myself biting my tongue at the things that he says. I’m still doing everything, but not with a smile. I question his motives. Every task he gives me, I wonder if he is doing it to make me a better submissive, or if he just wants me to fail. If he just wants to hit me, that’s okay. But why does he have to make me feel guilty for not meeting his requirements first? Why do I have to be made to feel like shit? If you haven’t noticed, I don’t really need another reason to feel crappy. Is this just part of it? Breaking me down to build me up the way he wants?
How much of myself am I to lose? I am a sarcastic, witty (I like to think anyway), and general pain in the ass of a person. How much of yourself did you lose as you started on this journey? How much is a submissive expected to lose or are we supposed to have this embedded quality that I may not actually possess?
Sorry for the drama. It’s just been a rough few days. I have to let him take over everything; I thought that would be easy. But he doesn’t want everything, so I have all these pieces that I still have to make sense of from day to day. How do I do that? Our reality is that it is often days between scenes, days between when I can just let everything go. It is like a drug. I am an addict now. A horny, tired, attention starved addict.
Stronger coffee it is then.