I feel so weak.
Without you standing behind me, standing over me.
Willing me to be the strong slave you require.
I feel unworthy.
Balancing life was a joy with your hand resting calmly on my neck,
Now I am scrambling to keep up.
I feel so alone.
My faults and fears evermore present and impossible to ignore;
My mistakes witnessed only by me.
That pit in my stomach that I got away with something,
Because he is not here to see and correct and punish.
Just me, trying to make the best of things.
To hold my fears at bay, as they crash into me from all sides.
To buy things for myself without permission, to spoil,
Without shuddering in front of everyone,
Or turning to ask the figure that is missing.
Having to report after the fact.
When he just wants me to enjoy myself.
He ordered it, in fact.
And I am failing at that too.
I miss his approval and his rebuke.
His smile and his laugh.
His command and his warmth.
It has only been a week.
I am so weak.