In desiring to become his slave, what is the one thing that would signify this change for you? – DtBHC
This question came from a post that I did a few days ago regarding the future of Sir and my relationship. And while I am currently working on a follow-up post to that piece, this question really made me think.
I’m not sure what would be the clearest signal to me. I already have a collar as an outward symbol of my submission to him. I also have a tattoo of his hand on my back. So it wouldn’t be a physical change.
I think it could possibly be a name change. Right now, I am Rye and he is Sir. But if we went to more of a Master/Slave rather that D/s dynamic, he may choose to be called a different name. That would be a pretty big change for me.
But, I think the thing, the change, I am really looking for is in myself. An acceptance of Sir’s control and the release of my need to run things would be amazing. I am still struggling with the idea that I want this for me. Shouldn’t a sub only want what their Sir wants? I feel selfish somehow and that’s been a stumbling block. Being forced to let all that go and just be what he wants me to be. That would be the biggest ideal change.
I have concerns about lasting consequences. I am not a masochist. I am always a little worried that he will hit a little too hard and I won’t safe word (or we won’t have one) and I will retreat from him. The same with him sleeping with others or loaning me out. I want to be comfortable with all of the things that he wants to try and that we read on blogs or see in porn. But honestly, I am really worried that I will be running on endorphins. That I will go along with what he wants and then afterward just fall apart. That my submission won’t be strong enough. Again, it’s a self-worth issue I have, among many. It’s one of things that really draws me into being submissive. I don’t want to deal with my confidence issues or problems with my body image or self-worth. I am what Sir wants me to be. He is satisfied with me as I am; so I don’t have to feel bad. He can make me what he wants, and I will be exactly what he wants.
That’s why, for now, I’m not feeling too bad about my occasional drink and enjoying dessert. If he doesn’t want me to have it, he will take it away.
Thanks for the questions. This has been a lot more thought provoking than I thought it would be. Not that I thought it would be all ‘what’s your favorite color?’, but these are definitely skull scratchers.