I realized that following Tuesday’s post I look like I was giving up. And I feel the need to clarify my decision to ask Sir to remove my collar.
I wasn’t giving up. And it wasn’t an easy choice. It’s been a few weeks of considering and figuring out if it was even an good idea. And I still don’t know, but it’s no going back now. As hard as it was in that moment, it forced both of us to look at where we were and face some pretty serious demons.
Sir has been distant. It’s been weeks since we’ve had a scene. We dropped back to pre-BDSM sex levels. My sex drive has been driving me a little crazy, but I’ve been trying to be patient. I don’t like the idea of pressuring him into having sex with me. I just kept feeling him drift further away. He stopped enforcing rules, all our protocols, everything. If anything, it felt like he was giving up. I know he wasn’t. But the emotional drain can put all sorts of ideas in your head. But as much as I have been stressed with this home remodel and the kids, he has been getting ready to start to his own business. He has a lot more reason to be distracted. But I’m a needy slave who is struggling to understand that I can’t be the center of his universe all the time. Or even most of the time.
So I thought it would be a wake up call to talk about the collar as it defines our dynamic. Maybe this bump is just a bump. They happen, just like in any relationship. But what if it’s not just a bump? What if we need to take more than one step back to assess? I really wanted to make sure that I wasn’t overdramatizing a small hiccup.
In my opinion I wasn’t. And, luckily for me, neither did he. So Wednesday during the drive to family we had a good talk about what needed to change. Over the last few days we have brought up past issues and concerns that he has had and we have tried to come up with ways to circumvent them. This long weekend has been about the boys and our parents. It’s been a cabin with close quarters, but we have still tried to keep conversation going, even if the dynamic is on hold.
The next few weeks will mean change. We are trying to come up with a new structure. Master/slave just isn’t working like we both want. Possibly an Owner/pet scenario, or maybe something more esoteric. We have talked about a switch idea. Me taking charge during the day, in a FLM-type set-up, with Sir taking over at night. This would let him focus on work when he needs too, but still report to me and feel like he needs to answer to someone. I can do what I need during the day, without completely losing my connection to him. Then at night I can sink into my submissive headspace and he can be guiltless with his needs. It’s a work in progress. Probably to take on several forms before we settle on something we are both happy with.
But this is part of the process, right? Trying new things until we find something that works for the two of us. What is BDSM but the trial and error of finding how your kinks work in your everyday life. At least I found someone who is willing to stay through the failures until we find the perfect dynamic set-up. What more can a demanding, sex-crazed, stressed, slightly masochistic submissive ask for?